Sandy's Shit

Chemobrain - this is what I'm talkin' 'bout!!!

2009-09-21T21:49:00.000-04:00

Chemobrain, the flip side of surviving cancer, http://bit.ly/3dGOt3

What, me worry?

2009-09-15T09:41:00.002-04:00

Seems I begin all my posts with, wow it's been so long since I posted! But...it really has. A whole summer has gone by.

First, I'll start with health "stuff" and then move on to the fun stuff:

Health stuff:

I haven't lost a single pound of the weight I gained during chemo/radiation/waiting for hip surgery/hip surgery. It's my own fault. You know that whole thing of eat less, move more? I think I have it reversed!! I'm blaming it on Chemo Brain!! LOL!!

My hip is much better. Sitting for long periods of time (more than 2 hours) is still a little difficult. Luckily, with my new job, I can go lie down for 1/2 an hour and come back to work. It's a good thing. My other hip hasn't been hurting - at all!! Yay me!! I don't use a cane - ever.

I go for all my breast follow-ups in October. I have to do a mammogram, ultrasound and MRI. The MRI is actually kinda funny. I lie on my tummy with my boobs through two holes in the table. I giggle every time. Then, I ask them to play some good music - like Rod Stewart or Elton John (I always ask if they have any Donny Osmond but they never do!) - and I lie there and sing my way through the test. It's really loud so I tell them to crank up the music. It's not so bad, that way, ya know?!!

OHHHH!!! BIG NEWS!! DONNY OSMOND is on Dancing with the Stars this season!!! WOOHOO!!!!!!!!!! I'm a little excited - can you tell? LOL!!

Let's see, what else. Oh - this Chemo Brain is really bugging me. I used to have a great vocabulary. Now? Not so much. It's very frustrating. There's a course I can take but it costs money and with three kids in college and four cars and four insurances to pay for? Not a chance. But it really affects my day to day life. I can't remember entire conversations. The other night I was thinking about all my relatives. The dead ones. Uncle Frank and Uncle Steve. They were so wonderful! Auntie Rose and Aunt Belle. Sisters. I got my crazy cackle from them! Then...I actually couldn't remember if my Aunt Vi had died. How horrible am I? How horrible is that? I almost had to wake Andrew up and ask him!! I did, finally, figure out that she did die. She did, didn't she, Steve? Karen? Kim? I feel horrible not knowing something that important, though. What kind of person can't remember if her Aunt died? ..... I guess someone with chemo brain? ugh!!!

And now, for the paragraph that pertains to the title - What, me worry?

I worry every day. I had a migraine last week for a couple of days - I was sure it was brain cancer. If I have diarrhea? colon cancer. Can't shit? anal or colon cancer. Right now, this very minute, I have some sort of weird pain under my boob - like a bug bite or something - but I'm pretty sure the cancer's back. Anything and everything is cancer.

I wonder if I'll always be this way. I wonder if it will every go away. I wonder if, at that magical five year mark, I'll suddenly realize that I don't have to worry about cancer all the time. I really hope so 'cause it's getting old. Thankfully, Andrew and I laugh about it. A lot. After all, I'm not the most healthy person so everytime I get sick I'm pretty sure it's the cancer. Back. To kill me before I get to hold my grandchildren. Ugh!! So, we just keep laughing and hoping. That's all we can do, really.

People ask me if I'm going to do the BRACA test. That's the test to see if you have the breast cancer gene. My pat answer is that I can't afford it. I'd have to admit that I'm not telling the truth on that one. I could afford it. It's $3,000 but I could afford it. I wouldn't be going to Hawaii next week, but I could afford it. Do I want to? I don't know, yet. And that's the thing. I think you have to be really, really positive that you want to know. That you're willing to deal with it if the results come up positive. Because, truthfully, if the results were positive? I'd chop my boobs off in a nano-second. But...I'm not ready to do that, yet. I'm still reeling from having a deformed boob and a 46 year old boob. I like having boobs - even the deformed boob. I like them. They're pretty and feminine. Andrew likes them.

I have been thinking about having reconstructive surgery, though. I would like to get my boobs "perkified" and an implant in the "little" one. But, how stupid would that be? Get them all pretty and perky and then find out that I have the gene? So....In the end. I'm just not doing anything. I'm not getting them pretty. I'm not cutting them off. I'm going with the watching and waiting method. So....although getting the mammo and MRI aren't fun? That's my method. For now.

Now...on to the fun stuff:

My sister, Kim, came for a visit. We had a blasty blast. Went to Daytona and did a lot of hanging out and talking. I love that woman sooo much!! It's amazing, our friendship. We've taken very different paths in life but agree on so much. I get total acceptance from her and she understands the heartaches that come with loving your kids so much that, sometimes, hurts. She'll commiserate with me and then kick me in the ass to get me moving, again. I love that!

We also had Andrew's sister and her family visit Florida. They rented a place "on the other side" in Cocoa Beach so we went and visited them for an extended long weekend. It was such fun! Jane and her husband, Craig, are funny and fun. People that you can be yourself with and they love you anyway....and visa versa!! LOL!! We rented a pontoon boat for a day - it was, seriously, one of the best days of my life!!! We saw dolphins, wandered around on a little island, swam with a manatee, almost sank the boat (I'm serious!) and laughed - a lot!

Kidwise - Jeff's going to University of Florida (not FU like I sometimes, mistakenly, say! LOL) for his Masters with the goal of becoming a CPA. He's still going out with Chanel and seems happy. Scott and Kev are still at University of Central Florida in Orlando. Kev's still in ROTC with the goal of going into the Air Force and becoming a Special Ops guy (much to his mother's chagrin!). Scott's changed his major to something in Media and Communications with the goal of being on TV or radio in sports. He's still crazy about his girlfriend, Julianna.

Andrew-wise: still loves his job. Hasn't been going to Europe as much this year (yay!!) and got in on a Hawaii trade show (again, yay!!).

Me - going to Hawaii with Andrew, of course!! I started a new job. It's commission only selling health insurance. I work from home - in my pj's!! Nice!!

I guess that's all, for now. I'll update again after I get all my test results in October.

ttfn!

10 weeks post-op

2009-07-07T21:39:00.003-04:00

Wow! It's been so long since I updated and so much has happened! Mostly family stuff.

I'll start with Scott. Scott had his heart set on being an Air Force Pilot. He's done one year of AFROTC at his University. He did really, really well. So well, that they gave him a $1,000 scholarship! Yay Scott. Well, to be in the Air Force you have to be physically perfect. We found out, through all the testing, that Scott is not physically perfect. What a frickin' shock! Turns out he has a degenerative eye disease called Lattice Degeneration. With this particular disease? They have turned him down. That's it, that's all. Thanks for dedicating a year of your life to the Air Force. Spending all your time with this Air Force "family". Making all your friends Air Force people. Thanks, but no thanks. You're not perfect so away you go. Can you tell I'm a little bitter? Really pissed me off. They just called Scott into the office and told him. Now, you should know, that they were really sad. Near tears, sad. But, still. He's out. So long sucker!

We took him to a renowned specialist who confirmed the diagnosis. I called Scott's Captain and discussed it with him. Tried to see if we could get a waiver for it or appeal the decision but there's no appealing the government. So...Scott's gotta figure out something else. Now, as I've always said, when one door closes, another one opens. It's kismet.

My dad knows a guy from hockey who works for ESPN and is working on getting Scotty a job/internship at the ESPN radio in Orlando. So...let's all cross our fingers and hope this works out. I've been harping on Scott to do something with his weird brain that holds the strangest sports information. He knows so much "crap" and statistics that it's really truly odd. Scott, I'm not saying your odd, I'm saying that part of you is odd. LOL! And, I must say that I wouldn't trade that year Scott was with the ROTC. It made him focused and "turned him into a man". I am grateful for that (but still pissed).

I also should add that Kevin is still in the Air Force ROTC (he got a $500 scholarship!! - it was a proud proud day!) so, as mad as I am about the Scott situation, I have to put that aside and hope for the best for Kevin. We took Kevin to that same eye guy and he does not have the degenerative eye disease so he should be good to go. Other than that? Kev's a bum this summer. He's tried several jobs and they've all sucked. He did that door to door meat job, then he tried his hand at telemarketing but got fired from it, then he did some telephone delivery. You work for yourself and, after all was said and done, he ended up making only about $5/hour on it. F that S. No way.

Jeff's got a great job, though! First off, he's still doing a paid internship in the accounting department at Rooms to Go. It's part-time. He also landed a secret shopper job. It pays $17.50/hour!! He only does it one day a month but that's a nice little job, eh? He's heading to University of Florida in the fall to continue his education. He has to do that to become a CPA.

As for me....I'm doing great. I'm off the cane, for the most part. I use it when we go to a festival or shopping but mostly for when I get tired, not because I need it for balance. I'm quite pleased with my progression. I'm sick of exercising every day, though. Really really sick of it.

Oh, and there's something I must say, here. I have had two people, lately, tell me how perfect my life is. WTF, people!! If you think my life is perfect then #1 you can't possibly BE my friend because #2 you're obviously not listening. I'm not perfect. My husband isn't perfect. My kids are not perfect. This really pissed me off 'cause they said it in a "what do you know, you have the perfect life" kind of way, you know? Who the hell do they think they're talking to? I was sick all the time growing up, had three horrible pregnancies along with three c-sections at the end of each one, then asthma with a couple of hospitalizations and had to move to Florida just so I could breathe. Next up? Cancer and now two hip replacements. I don't have a job, I don't talk to one of my sisters (she doesn't talk to me, either, so we're even, I guess), I miss Canada but can't live there 'cause I'll die and I go through empty nest syndrome in the winter and too many kids in the summer. I have no memory after chemo and menopause (at age 46 - thanks, Cancer, you fucker!!) and I'm fat to boot! Perfect? Assholes! Fuckers (that's my new favourite word).

Wow, I feel so much better having said that. Seriously, if someone said you were perfect. A friend said you were perfect. You'd just have to thing they're just not listening. We all have problems. Ok, I'm done, now.

Oh, and cancer-wise - I had a followup visit with my oncologist and my blood work looks good. The bone blood part was a little low but that's probably because of my hip surgery. There was another low part in the liver enzymes or something but that was low to begin with so they're just going to watch it. I go for all the "big tests" in September and October. I have to have an MRI, PET scan, mammogram and ultrasound. It's all to make sure I'm ok. I like it. Makes me feel secure in some weird way.

Alright, I'm done with my update....

I will download a video of a night of fun we had a couple of weeks ago. OMG! Wait till you see. I'll do it in the next couple of days. Oh! And my sister, Kim, is coming to visit on Thursday for a week!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'm so excited I can hardly sit down. She is one of my favourite people in the whole world! I'll try to video something good from her visit, too. Shouldn't be too hard - she's as weird as me! WooHoo!!!

ttfn peeps!

Four and a half Weeks Post-Op

2009-05-29T03:35:00.005-04:00

I know, I know...it's been too long. My excuse is that I've been on pain pills and couldn't have put two words together. Seriously! Those things impair everything - and I do mean everything - mind, memory, shitting. LOL!! (well? It is called Sandy's Shit!)

OK, so, I'll start at the beginning and move through.

Surgery Monday morning. Got the pain under control quickly after surgery so I got to go to my room. Once I got to my room, however, I started really feeling pain. It was horrible. Like, screaming out and yelling pain. I was "one of those". So embarrassing. What it was, though, was that I was having horrible cramps in my butt and down my legs. They said it must have been the position they had me in during surgery. Anyway, I was screaming and Andrew and my mom and dad are all looking really concerned. My mom came up with an idea of putting her fist into my cramp in my butt (when I say butt, I mean outter butt). Then she came up with the idea of giving me Robaxicette. That helped immensely!

The stay in the hospital after that was just a stay in the hospital...learning how to get up, going pee, waiting for that all important BM before you get to leave, lots of bloodwork and blood pressure readings and? The cutest Physio Therapist in the land!! OMG! He was so cute! I definitely had a little crush going! We thrived on making each other laugh. Whatever gets you through, right?

I got to go home on the Friday afternoon. Slept in Kevin's room for the first week. A nurse came every second day to take blood and pressure. I was on Coumadin (blood thinner) and they had to make sure I was taking the right amount. Physio came and gave me exercises. Lots of pain killers and sleeping.

Now? What a difference four weeks makes. Most of the time, I'm in absolutely no pain. I take a pain killer every now and then if I've done too much. I'm walking around the house mostly without a cane. I use it when I go outside, though. Today, when physio was here, we went for a walk with the cane and then I went "caneless" up my driveway and up the stairs to the house!! Woohoo for me!!! I was very proud. You know that look when a baby takes their first steps and they're so proud? That was the look on my face this afternoon!! LOL!!

Right now it's 4 am. I had a dream. A Donny Osmond dream! Oh my!! It was a good one! Vivid....ohhhhhh

Oh...sorry - got lost in "thought" there for a minute!!

Kidwise:

Jeff graduated college! Yay, Jeff!! Here's some pics from the party - I'll post some of him in cap and gown when I get to it.

I'm thinking someone could have told me that my hair looked like shit and that the shirt was not "flattering" on my arms! I know I didn't care - those pain pills are great! They make you "not care" about anything, and... I was out of my wheelchair for a moment! Yay!! But, other than me? Look at those men of mine!!

Aunt Hilary came from Canada for the big occassion!

My mom and dad helped out/did the entire party!! Thank you!! - no Scott and Kevin are not gay - they just pretend. A lot!!

Jeff and his two best friends, Josh and Jayson. Jayson is actually sleeping here tonight. I love him!!

Jeff and his school friends. His girlfriend, Chanel is the one hugging him (along with Josh who is the huggiest man I've ever met!)

Next up for Jeff is Graduate School. He's going to University of Florida for that. He will, eventually, be a CPA (the US equivilant of a CA) and follow in his daddy's footsteps.

Scott: Has a girlfriend. She's very "peppy" and sweet. Unfortunately she lives in Orlando so guess where Scott's staying this summer? Whatever. Here's a picture of them:

Kevin: Home. Trying to work. He was with a company selling "meat" door to door - yah, yah, too funny! Meat as in steak and chicken, y'all! Get your minds out of the gutter!! He quit that, yesterday - but not before getting me lots of steak, chicken and fish at cost! Woohoo!! He's going to start looking for a different job tomorrow. There's not many jobs out there, I must say. If you like telemarketing? C'mon down to Florida!! That's the only jobs available, it seems. He may just have to do it. It does pay well.

Andrew - Currently in Europe. Just for a week this time. Happy at his job and wishing I would hurry up and heal so everything can get back to normal. He's been such a rock through this whole thing. He has to do everything, you know. All the laundry, cooking, cleaning, groceries. Everything! I love you, Babe!!

That's all, for now. Are you happy, Shelley? LOL!!

ttfn!

I'm Bored

2009-04-17T13:10:00.003-04:00

Waiting is very boring. I'm just waiting for the hip replacement.

My day looks like this:

wake up and go get coffee and eat breakfast
play on computer for an hour or two
watch tv
get lunch
play on computer
read
watch tv.... and on and on

I've had a little bit of a reprieve this week from the boredom.

Christy came and took me to her church to help sort "stuff" for their bazaar. Jeff & Chanel came on Saturday and we shopped for a dress for Chanel (not Jeff! LOL!!) for an upcoming Formal. Then they came again on Wednesday to pick up the dress from the alterations guy and Chanel and I went shopping some more. The stayed for dinner. Thursday night Kirsten texted me saying she was at the Melting Pot chatting with Heather who bartends there. I texted back saying I'd be right over. So over I go with Andrew...just assuming that was an invitation. Turns out she was meeting a date there! So we just kind of....well...invited ourselves on her first date with a guy!! Well? I really thought it was an invitation!!

So...we sit at the bar and eat and drink and laugh - a lot. I have three green apple martinis. I didn't think anything of it. We got home and I was in a lot of pain from sitting on the bar stools so I have a pain pill. Boom!! It hit me. I went to bed. I don't actually even remember going to bed!! I slept for 12 hours straight!! Best sleep I've had in a really long time!! The pain usually wakes me up several times. I think I've stumbled on a "good thing"!! Yay!!!

My surgery is in a week and 3 days. I'm really looking forward to it. I went to a hip replacement class they have at the hospital. I was, by far, the youngest person there. Ugh! It was very informative. Great class! I found out I'll probably be in the hospital for 3 - 4 nights and then home. I'll use a walker for the first 2 - 3 weeks then back to the cane. Will have home rehab till I can get to therapy on my own - which may be a while since it's the right hip being done and that's my driving leg.

Kid-wise: Jeff's graduating from college on May 9th! He's going to work for the summer and then go to University of Florida for his MBA. He has to go an extra year to become a CPA (the American equivilant of a CA) so he might as well stay a little while longer and get his MBA.

Scotty is still doing ROTC. Still wants to be a pilot. He just received a $1,000 scholarship from ROTC for being outstanding and will get his name on a plaque in the ROTC building. I'm a very proud mama!!

Kevin is still doing ROTC. Now wants to be some sort of something where it's dangerous and he would go in and save soldiers who are in enemy territory...or something like that. It's crazy, whatever it is! Suits Kevin, just fine!! ROFL!!!

Andrew...perfect as ever. I love him soooo much!!!

Oh...sad news....Duffy (out sweet dog) died. Cancer. Sucks. Sad. It's been two weeks and I'm still looking for him around the house. I miss him.

Mom and dad will still be here when I get my hip replacement so they're going to help me when I get home.

I think that's it.
ttfn!

Getting a Hip Replacement

2009-03-25T16:37:00.003-04:00

Boy! Sorry for not updating earlier. I guess I thought about doing it so I thought I'd done it but hadn't.

Okay, so here goes:

Went to a doctor who supposedly knows all about AVN. It was sure a surprise to him! He said that, no, he does not. He did agree with the other doctor that I should probably get a core decompression done. He also decided that he should do a cortisone shot to see if it would take some swelling down in the hip. Boy! Did that hurt! The next day I could hardly walk, for pete's sake. Anyway, it didn't work. The pain didn't subside. Even a teeny tiny bit.

So I decided to do some research of my own. I found an online support group of people with AVN. Almost every single one of these people has had asthma bad enough to be on major doses of prednisone - just like me. Many of them have battle cancer, too. What I found was that core decompression is not a cure. It just puts off the eventual hip replacement. It's not guaranteed to make the pain go away, either.

So, I decided to go back to my original doctor and get a hip replacement done. Now, when I first went to him a year ago, he said he could do both hips at the same time. Since I have gained 20 lbs in the meantime? No such luck. So, I'm going to do the right hip on April 27. When I've recovered from that one I'll do the left hip.

I've applied for short term disability. I haven't heard back, yet. It's certainly not guaranteed that I'll get it. This is a pre-existing condition so we'll see. I really want the disability now so that I can try to get into some sort of better shape prior to surgery. The aquafit class and beginner yoga classes I want to go to are only offered on weekday mornings so I'd like to be able to attend those.

In the end, I'm happy to have the hip replacement set up. I'm in so much pain on a daily basis that I could just sit and cry. I know that the hip replacement won't be a walk in the park but I have to stay focused on the end result - just like I did when I was doing chemo.

That's all for today.
ttfn

My Hips

2009-03-04T18:10:00.002-05:00

I went for my MRI on Monday. I went to see my doctor on Tuesday. This is what he said.

My hips are 30% dead. They like for your hips to be 50% dead before they'll do a hip replacement. Therefore, he thinks I should do a less invasive operation whereby they drill holes in the hips to reduce the pressure thereby getting rid of the pain. However, he doesn't do this operation.

So...he's going to call around and try to find me a doctor who works with young people with Avascular Necrosis and see what that doctor says.

I have no feelings about this. It's not good, it's not bad, it just is what it is. There's no pill to help with the pain. I told him I've been self-medicating with Green Apple Martinis and he said whatever helps. So, there ya go. I must now go make myself a drink!

TTFN!

When Will My Health Shit End?

2009-02-21T13:03:00.003-05:00

I would really like to finish writing in the blog. You know. It's the end of cancer. I just have twice a year follow-ups which will all be good and I'll never have cancer again. The problem is that stuff keeps coming up.

The good news is that the port is out. Yay!! It kinda hurt but it was worth it.

The shitty news is that my hips are getting worse. Especially my right hip. I'm in pain most of the time. I say most of the time because....if I drink a few green apple martinis? The pain miraculously goes away. Also, I can make it go away with some left over narcotics from Kevin's broken femur adventure. Ahhh....percocet!! Gotta love it! But most of the time it feels like I have a knife sticking into my hip. Oh, the hip is not the outer part of the body but more the upper groin area. You know where your hip bone is? Well go in about 3 inches and that's where my pain is. All the fucking time. The left hip hurts too but not as bad. It seems to be about three months behind.

So...I was researching getting a double hip replacement. I mean, why do one and go through all that recovery and then do the other and repeat the recovery. I want to do both at the same time, go through recovery and get the fuck on with my life. So, I was researching it and came across this cool new technique. Well, it's new in the States but they've been doing it in Europe for a very long time. It's done on a special table called the Hana table and it enables the surgeon to go in from the front and not cut through major muscle groups and he can do both at the same time. I got all excited about it and looked up if there was a doctor in my area who works with that table.

I found one in Spring Hill which is about an hour north of here. Not too bad a drive for this. I made an appointment and went to see him yesterday. I really, truly thought he'd just say "yah, you need this done" and I'd get an appointment and, hooray!, no more pain. After all, the other ortho guy told me I could get it done anytime I want and when I don't want to live with the pain anymore, call him and we'll book it. Well, it didn't go that way. He wants me to get another MRI because mine is a year old. He also mentioned doing a different procedure first. It's where they drill a hole into the hip and hope that some blood flow goes in there and stops the fast spread of the necrosis (dying bone). It was weird to hear this because the other ortho guy said that that procedure never works. Anyway, I now have to go for the MRI and, if the necrosis isn't too bad, he would want to do this drilling thing and, if the necrosis is bad, he would do hip replacement.

This is very disappointing. I really just want the hip replacements and be done with it. I understand the reasoning behind doing the drilling but am confused because of what the other ortho guy said. Then I realized I've had three orthos. The first one I didn't like. The second I liked and now this third one. I've also had three oncologists. Am I too picky? Crazy? I dunno. All I know is that I'm soooo sick of being a patient and just want to move on.

Anyway, here's an article that describes all this better than I just did:

http://www.orthogate.org/patient-education/hip/avascular-necrosis-of-the-hip.html

So...that's the update on my health. I don't feel like writing anymore so you don't get an update on my life. All I'll say is everything's great.

ttfn

I'm Done!!

2009-01-23T18:27:00.003-05:00

Well, it's official! I'm done my treatments! There are so many great things about that. First off? I get my port out! Yay!! I really have a huge love/hate relationship with it. It got me through chemo and Herceptin so easily but it's really ugly. Anyway, that's so great to get rid of it (Friday 7 am - I didn't even know 7 am existed! LOL!!). The other great thing is that I don't have to remember to go for my treatments every third week. It's hard to remember, you know.

Oh! Interestingly enough, while I was at the Oncologists I found an article that talks about chemo brain and how women who have gone through breast cancer chemo, in particular, complain about chemo brain. Chemo brain is when you have a really weird memory. Like, I can't remember people's names who I've known and loved for years, I can't remember what I did over the weekend, what I ate for lunch. Stuff like that. I used to have a pretty decent vocabulary but that seems to be leaving me. It's just weird. Anyway, they're starting to do some (this is a good example of chemo-brain - I just read about it 1/2 an hour ago and can't think of the word) studies (I went and looked it up) to see if there's anything that can be done. My family would sure be happy if I could improve. I think they're getting frustrated with me not remembering some pretty important things.

Ok, that's it for my update, for now. Andrew's taking me out for a romantic dinner tonight. Woohoo!! I love romance!!

TTFN peeps!

2009-01-04T11:49:00.006-05:00

Wow! I haven't blogged for quite a while, eh? Well, here's a big update.

I'll start with the tattoo. I got one. I love it. Yes, it hurt. Here it is:

It's on my right shoulder. I did it while Andrew was away. I thought it would be a "good" surprise but I didn't read that one very well. He wanted to be involved in the process of picking the tattoo. Understandable. He's not mad just a little disappointed. I would be too so I completely understand. My bad. Anyway, I had told Scott & Kevin I was doing it and could they be there with me to hold my hand. No, they couldn't. They had parties to go to. Jeff couldn't be here either so I talked my mom into going with me. She wasn't happy about that. She hates tattoos. I decided to do it anyway and then? I woke up on Saturday morning and there was Scott & Kevin!! Home!! Just for me!! I love those boys!! And I did need the hand holding 'cause it really did hurt.

Then came my birthday. I hadn't had a birthday party since I was 13 and was complaining about it one night when my parents were here and my mom said "well, I'll give you one". So she did. It was so fun! Most of my favourite people were there and I love love loved it! Here's some pics:

Jeff's best friend, Jayson, me and Scott. Yes, I felt very short. See the necklace? My boys gave it to me for my birthday! I love it! They also gave me a blue version of the same one. Jayson is one of Jeff's best friends. Josh is Jeff's other best friend. He's in a later picture. They arrived with flowers in hand. They make me feel so special - I love those boys. When I was in chemo, they'd get on the phone with me and chat a little and send their love. Sweet, sweet boys.

This is Christy. She's one of my best friends. I love her. Isn't she cute? She's from the south and says y'all and other "south" stuff. So cute. I don't see her enough. Hey, Christy! Let's make a New Year's resolution to see each other more! Love ya! Oh! And see in the background. That's the only picture I got of Kevin. He's the built one in brown.

Me playing beer pong. I was a "Celebrity Shot" so I didn't have to drink I just got to shoot. I missed this shot but.....

Got this one! That's Jeff and Josh in the picture with me.

Andrew tried his hand at it, too!

My computer stopped letting me comment beside the pictures. Weird. Anyway the next two pictures are of the cake. Ruth is in the background. She's a friend from one of my earlier jobs and she's the one who gave me a beautiful prayer that Kim read prior to my breast surgery. She is a beautiful person. The other one in the background is Jim. He's a dad from hockey. I hung out with he and his wife, Robin all the time. Love them! Then, the bottom picture is my momma helping me blow out the candles. Thank you momma! I definitely couldn't have done it without you!! And thank you for my party....it was soooo fun!!

I just realized that you can see my port in all the pictures. It's that lump above my left boob. I hate that thing. It'll be coming out in late January! Yay!!

Then came Christmas. It was lovely. The Halls came for dinner and my mom and dad came, too. Mr & Mrs Hall are friends of the family and have been for about 30 years. Mr Hall is a "funny guy" with a huge heart and Mrs Hall is my third mom. She loves me, I love her. Oh, and Joanne? She gave me huge hug for you....Thanks!! ROFL!!

Then came New Years. We had dinner in with the boys and then Andrew & I went to Jack Willies for fun. It's an outdoor tiki bar. There was a band and weird characters and it was fun (a little chilly, though, by Florida standards). As soon as the New Years' kiss was done? We headed inside.

The kids have been home this whole time. It's nice to have them home but, boy, do those kids ever eat a lot!

Oh, as for cancer stuff. I did my second to last Herceptin this week. I'm almost done!! It'll be so nice to not have to go for treatments anymore but scary at the same time. As I mentioned earlier I'll be able to get my port out when the treatments are done. That'll be nice. I hate that thing. I mean, I love that it enabled me to get the treatments pain-free but it really is an ugly little thing, ya know?

I haven't met my new oncologist yet. I'll meet her on January 21. I've been told she's great. I did some checking on her and it seems she's more of a blood oncologist. I'll have to ask her a bunch of questions. I want someone who knows everything there is to know about breast cancer so, we'll see. I met up with my radiation oncologist at a restaurant in December and he said he can recommend someone good so I'll probably do that and change oncologists again. So much drama. Ugh!! I hate drama. It's just too draining.

Happy New Years everyone!

ttfn!

I Dropped My Oncologist

2008-12-11T11:05:00.002-05:00

Well, I did it. It was so uncomfortable for me! OMG!!

My mom went with me for moral support (Andrew's in Europe) and, boy, was I glad she was there. We went in and I asked the receptionist how to switch oncologists. She said I could and that she'd find out how. My mom and I were just sitting there discussing with the receptionist why and a lady came in and started filling up her coffee cup. Little did we know it was the office manager. Well, actually, she was more important than the office manager but I can't remember what her official title was - kinda like a patient advocate.

Anyway, she asked what was happening and I told her and she asked if I would like her to/could she come into the meeting with the doctor. I said sure. The more support I had, the better. So, in we went. I had my regular appointment and then I started asking him more questions about the lymph node (which he swore had no issues) and the nodule. He kept saying that the nodule (that's the thing I had the biopsy on in October) and the lymph node issue were the same. I kept saying they weren't. He read the biopsy report over and over and I kept reiterating that there were two issues. He kept disagreeing and we kept going around and around again. My mom tried to help, too. It was just so frustrating. Finally, after about 15 minutes of doing this, he saw that, yes, there are two issues.

By this point I'm thinking "OMG! Is this a language barrier (he's Brazilian) or am I smarter than the oncologist who isn't reading the results properly?" In the end he admitted that I was right. Did this feel good? No. Not at all. I was relieved that he finally saw what I saw but it was really annoying and frustrating. Usually, when I'm right? I'm all proud and ha ha ha-ish. In yo' face sucka!! This time? I was just tired of the whole thing. I explained to him that I really felt we had a communication issue and that I felt he was dismissive to me and that I really need to switch doctors. This whole thing took about 1/2 hour. By the end of it I was shaking and just relieved that it was over.

I'm really glad that the office lady was there to see the entire thing unfold. My hope is not that she sees I'm right. That is so beside the point. My hope is that other women will not have to go through the frustration and doubt that I had to go through. I can, honestly, feel my blood pressure rising as I write about it. I have been asked why I didn't just switch doctors and not go through the whole "confrontation" with the doctor. My answer is that, first off, I wanted to give him a chance to rectify the situation. I also wanted him to know why I was leaving to go to someone else. I really, really hope that he'll try harder and do better with the next woman to walk in his office.

Anyway, I'm switching to a lady doctor in the same office. I've heard nice things about her and I hope with my entire heart that I will like her.

Last night, I had a huge asthma attack. I'm off the prednisone, now, and I woke up at midnight coughing and not able to breathe. It was so scary! I was all alone in the house. I grabbed my nebulizer (a breathing machine) and started that up. Thank goodness that helped but I'm sure breathless today and my chest hurts so much. It's like I have bruised lungs. Jeff & Chanel are coming home tonight so I'll feel much better having them in the house in case it happens again. I think it has to do with the stress of the whole "dropping the oncologist" thing, though. I do think stress contributes to asthma.

Anyway, I'm looking forward to Jeff and Chanel coming home tonight. I'm looking forward to Andrew coming home on Saturday. I'm looking forward to Scott & Kevin coming home on Sunday. I'm looking forward to going to CHITTY CHITTY BANG BANG on Sunday. It's a theatre production and he's taking me for my birthday!! Yeah!!! I'm also looking forward to a birthday party on Monday night! It's very last minute but I really, really wanted one so my mom and dad are throwing one for me. So fun!!!

That's all for now.
TTFN!

ps - Tuesday was Donny's birthday, just fyi!!

The Antibiotics Are Kicking In!!

2008-12-05T15:09:00.005-05:00

Yay!!! I'm feeling quite a bit better today. Just a little coughing and no barking cough, either.

I have decided to drop my current oncologist. I've decided this because I am really dreading going in for my Herceptin on Wednesday. That's not at all like me. I enjoy going in and getting the Herceptin. Welcoming this cancer fighting drug into my body. I even cheer it on (in my head).

Go Herceptin Go, Fight Herceptin Fight, Win

Herceptin Win, Go Fight Win!!!

Over and over. But now that I have a shithead asshole oncologist I don't want to go so I'm switching. He switched offices and there's a lady oncologist who, I've been told, is nice. I only have three more Herceptins left so I'm doing it.

Then....if I like the lady I'll stay with her and if I don't I'll find a new one. There's got to be one around here I like, right? I'm just asking for someone who will listen and then talk to me in a non-dismissive fashion. I don't think that's too much to ask.

I feel good about this decision and I feel good that I'm feeling better.

Onward and upward, right?

ttfn!!

I'm Back and Sick....shit!

2008-12-04T18:12:00.003-05:00

Well...It happened. My asthma reared it's Fuckerhead again. Ugh! I hate asthma.

We had a great trip, though.

We (Jeff, Andrew and I) flew in to Buffalo, got our rental car and headed to my sister, Kim's. It was very relaxing. We laughed a lot and loved a lot. I got to see sweet Tyler and Jeff got to go hunting for the first time. They didn't get anything but he loved it. I sure wouldn't be surprised to see Jeff move up north some day. I love Kim's family and they go to bed nice and early, like us, so it was wonderful that way, too.

Then, on Tuesday, we headed to Niagara Falls via the Buffalo airport. Scott and Kevin flew in from Orlando and we went across the border Tuesday night instead of Wednesday when we thought it might be more crowded. The boys got in at midnight(ish) so we stayed at a cheap hotel. It was actually pretty ok.

Then Wednesday we went to visit my brother, Steve and his daughter, Sam. We went to Swiss Chalet for lunch. Sam's such a hoot. Seriously! That kid makes me laugh so hard. She's got a very dry sense of humour. Sometimes it takes me a second or two to "get it" and then I laugh and then she laughs 'cause I didn't get it very quickly and it's all very funny. My brother told us all about his trip out west this past summer and I told him some "Donny" stories and he laughed at me and it was very fun.

From there we went to Jane (Andrew sister) and Craig's place for a night. They have three kids, Cameron (grade 8), Riley (grade 3 ish) and Abby (kindergarten). They couldn't be more different. Amazing how that happens, eh? Anyway, it was fun.

The next day (Thursday) we went and had lunch with Andrew's mom and then we went to Steve (Andrew's brother) and Monika's. We got there before them and checked out their new decor. Something's always changing in that house. They're renovators. They have three boys Michael, Daniel and Adam (ages 10, 8 & 6 respectively - I think). Scott, Kevin & I went and watched Daniel and Adam do their martial arts class. OMG! memories...like the corners of my mind.......oops, sorry. Got lost for a moment, there. It was fun/funny. Went back to their place for dinner and wine. Well, everyone else had wine. I will go back a moment...

Friday night, before we even started our trip? My tummy was very, very upset. So upset that I actually fell asleep on the toilet in the middle of the night. Ugh....so......getting on a couple of planes the next day? Not good. First off, like many women? I do not poop in public. That's right, I said it. I do not poop in public. Well, with this? No choice. So, I was in the bathroom at the airport and I yelled out "Sorry!" and let it rip. LOL!!! I'm not kidding. Then I'd flush the toilet as I'm "doing it" in hopes that I won't smell up the joint. How's that for telling it like it is. It was awful!! So, when we got to Kim's? First thing I did was run to their bathroom, yell sorry and let it rip. ROFL!! This stayed like that all the way until Thursday. I missed some amazing wine through it all and that's where I remembered it because Steve and Monika had some good wine and Craig had bought my very favourite wine in the world and I missed it all 'cause of some stupid stomach bug.

OK, back to the trip. Friday we headed out to Niagara Falls for the 80th birthday festivities. We took Steve & Monika's three boys. Mum C had a beautiful suite overlooking the falls. I dubbed this "the party suite" and that's what it turned into. We were all on the same floor and it was so much fun! Unfortunately, I started to come down with a cough on Friday afternoon. My bark cough - which is never good. By Sunday, the big breakfast morning when all of us could be together and get a big family picture? I was sicker than sick. I stayed in bed until we had to leave. I had a fever and was coughing and sneezing and my nose ran so far away I had to find it before we got to the border. Crap! You know, I don't even remember coming home...much. I remember lying across a bunch of seats. I remember being wheeled around by some guy who wanted me to talk and I finally said "If you stop making me talk I'll give you a big tip at the end." I'm so not kidding. He started to say something again and I just put my finger to my lips and said "shhhhh". Bitch, eh? I don't actually remember much else. I slept a lot.

So, all in all it was a good trip. Missed seeing my sister, Karen again. She lives a couple of hours outside Toronto and it's just too far for us to go on such a short trip and too far for her to come on a weeknight. Next time, I hope.

I went to the doctor on Tuesday. Got antibiotics, prednisone, medicine for my nebulizer and a note to be off work for a week. From here? The antibiotic will give me a yeast infection (that's cunt itch for all you men out there. ROFL!!!), the prednisone will make me mean, hungry and have a moon face. It's already coming. I hate prednisone but it's saved my life in the past so I have to take it, don't I. The nebulizer's fine. I'm trying a new medicine that's ok. whatever.

I guess that's all for me. I'm tired. It took me all day to write this (write, go to bed, write, go to bed etc until 7:08 at night) and I don't feel like spellchecking so just bear with me on that.

TTFN peeps

I'm Off to Canada!

2008-11-21T17:41:00.003-05:00

And scared shitless that it's so cold up there that I'll end up having an asthma attack and have to come home early.

I gotta tell ya, cancer's one thing. I mean it scares you and you think you'll die and the treatment sucks and the chemo brain is horrible but, mostly, it's over. Asthma? I always have to be aware. Is there a breeze? Is it going to dip below 60 degrees? Is anyone smoking in the near vicinity ? Is there a fan on ? Is there someone close by with perfume on? All these things set me off and more. I'm always watchful.

The worst thing is leaving a building. There's no smoking in the building so people smoke right outside the building. I have to hold my breath but I have asthma so holding my breath for any length of time is near impossible. It's a daily thing.

In my job I go on home visits. I have to ask if they smoke prior to going. If they do, I have to meet them somewhere or give the sale away to someone else. They always say "well, I won't smoke when you get here" or "we only smoke outside" but that never works. The house is full of smoke "debris" if they smoke inside and if they smoke outside, invariably it does end up inside. At least a little bit. Ugh! What a pain in the ass. I have several friends who smoke and I can't even go to their houses. So, what I'm trying to say is that I'm not actually scared of smoke for this trip but I am scared of the cold. I don't think I said that clearly but that's what I'm trying to say. LOL!!

I'm also not looking forward to driving in snow. We haven't done that for seven years and when we did we had a big 'ol Suburban to plow us through. We're renting a smallish car that, I'm pretty sure, won't "plow" through the snow.

I also had to try to find clothes to wear. I had to buy a bunch. Shoot, truthfully, Kevin never wears long pants. He's a shorts and flip flops kinda guy. He had to rummage up some pants that would fit. And boots ? We don't have any. Mitts ? Nope. Hats ? Nope. OMG!! Do you think I could whine any louder?!! ROFL!!!

Anyway, I don't think we'll do this again....but we just had to go for Andrew's mom's 80th birthday. Just had to. And...I am looking forward to seeing everyone up there! Yay!!!!

Everyone have a great Thanksgiving and I'll post in December.

TTFN!!
(could you guess that I found a smiley place? LOL!!)

One Year Ago & What I've Learned

2008-11-16T13:05:00.003-05:00

It was one year ago yesterday that I had my first chemo. It was one year ago today that I was waiting for the side effects to kick in. I read my post from one year ago and it didn't seem so bad. I was in pretty good spirits for a girl who was about to lose her hair, had already partially lost a breast and didn't know if she'd live for another year or not. Yep. Pretty good spirits.

What I'm going to address today is the fallout of cancer. The after effects - both physical and mental. It's not pretty so pull up your big girl/boy panties and go ahead and read it...or not. I'm just puttin' it out there. This is my blog. It's about me. About my feelings and "stuff". If your feelings are hurt by this entry? Hmmm.....maybe you should think about your choices. You've been warned.

OK, physically, I haven't been totally upfront. Yes, I lost my hair. Yes, I gained back all the weight I had so diligently lost...and then some. Yes, I will need a double hip replacement in a couple of years and yes, my brain has turned into mush. My hair is now wavy and I haven't got a clue how to style it since I've had stick straight hair all my life.

What I haven't said is how devastating it is to have a huge dent in my breast. It's huge, people. I know I'm lucky to have a breast. I get that. But the truth is I am deformed. It's not something anyone other than my mom, Kim and Andrew have seen but I live with it every day. Every day I take off my bra. Every day I put on my bra. Every other day I shower. Every day I see my deformity not once but at least twice.

I went to my family doctor and asked him for the name of a good plastic surgeon. I told him how I felt and then I joked that "at least I have a nipple". Then, when I got to thinking about it? It's no different. Yes, I have my own breast but it's not pretty. I don't let Andrew touch it and I rarely let him see it. If he sees it it's by accident on my part. I almost think I'd rather have a "fake" breast. At least it would be pretty. Nippleless but pretty, with a matching one, to boot.

Also, just so you all know? Here's were it gets personal so you may want to skip this if you want. Menopause sucks. The hot flashes? All consuming. It happens and you forget what you're even doing or talking about because you're so hot and all you can think about is getting your clothes off. Ironically, while you're sopping wet on the outside on the inside? Exactly opposite. Dry as a bone. (See? I warned you!!) My skin is dry. Inside my nose is dry. Inside my va jay jay? dry too. It's gotten much better as time has progressed past the chemo but it really sucked for a while there. Anyway, I'm really glad that that part has fixed itself but there was a few months there when it was not good and nothing worked to help.

That's all for the physical part. Here's the "other" part.

I've mentioned before that some people dropped me. I just never heard from them again. It may have just been a "course of time" thing. Kevin stopped playing hockey (because of the broken leg) so that let's some people out of our lives just because the only time we saw them was at hockey. I also changed jobs so others fell by the wayside that way. But, there are some who I really expected to hang in there that just didn't. But, I've mentioned that before. What I haven't mentioned is

#1 I picked up some friends that I really really cherish, now. Holly and Susan P. They're friends of my cousin, Judy. Both have sent me e-mails and followed my blogs. I, in turn, have followed their blogs and feel like I have some new friends in Kitchener. Mrs Young follows my blog and a fellow cheerleader from high school who I didn't even think would remember me. Susan from the UK and many more.

#2 People who didn't pay any attention to me before suddenly started commenting on my blog and calling me and e-mailing me. It was really weird. Like, they didn't like me/didn't give me the time of day prior to me having cancer but, suddenly, they love me and give me encouragement. I must say. I was very wary of these people. It turned out that, now that I'm "over" the cancer? They've fallen by the wayside, too. I just don't hear from them. I think that's really weird.

#3 I thought relationships would change. I really did. I cherish people more, now. I reach out and call them. Do I get anything back? Not usually. I was really home sick this summer. Really home sick. I had gone through hell and back and just wanted to see people who love me. I ran around like a loony person trying to fit everyone in. Then I realized. It's just the same as always. I run around trying to see everyone and what do I get back? Not a lot. I don't get e-mails or phone calls. I don't get visits.

What I do get is excuses. On the phone calls "I was so busy". On the visits it's that old "we can't afford it" thing. Funny how I can afford it but others can't. Just for the record? I have three kids in college, I have done no landscaping and no fix-ups on my house because I tend to spend my money on travel. Now, yes. Some is for me alone. That Vegas trip? For me and me alone. Andrew got some "extras" (nudge nudge, wink wink) out of it but it was for me. I'm so glad I did it because knowing I'd see Donny at the end of chemo and radiation really did get me through it. The travel to Europe is more of a business thing. Andrew loves me to go to keep him company. It's very lonely traveling from country to country and very tiring. Don't get me wrong...he loves it and the people and the work. But, it's nice to have a loving wife along every so often.

Anyway, I just really did think things would change. I thought people would cherish me the same way I cherish them. It didn't happen and it's making me a little bitter. I don't think that's good for me so I may, actually, start some sort of counseling. I'm betting there's something offered for post-cancer people. Survivors as they call us.

Anyway, my point is that I really truly thought relationships would change but everything's stayed the same.

#4 This is really morbid. I was in the shower this morning thinking about death. I wonder who will come to my funeral. Oh, c'mon! You must have thought of this at some point! If you didn't then I may just be weird. Anyway, I was thinking....I wonder where my funeral would be. Florida? Canada? Both? Who would come. Lots of people who don't see me or keep in touch with me, I bet. Saying how they loved my sense of humour and the way I saw things in a positive way. Bet they didn't read this post, then, eh? LOL!! I just think it's interesting that people will take time and spend money to travel to a funeral when they don't do that when the person's living. It's just an interesting view point.

Anyway, all this has been swirling in my mind. I am really looking forward to going up north for Thanksgiving. My doctor is not very happy about it at all. In fact the words "I forbid you" came out of his mouth and then he laughed at himself and remembered who he's talking to. LOL!! So, we are going but I'm going to have to stay inside the whole time. I'm also going shopping for clothes this afternoon. I have never, ever been this big and can't fit into any of my old cold-weather clothes. Ugh!! The problem is...do I buy long sleeves? With all my hot flashes, I may just rip all my clothes off if I have long sleeves on!! I better wear really pretty bras, eh?

So, I hope I didn't hurt too many feelings. That wasn't the intention of this post. It was supposed to be more of a "what goes through this cancer patient's mind when it's all over and done with" and what has surprised and/or bothered me in the aftermath.

TTFN!

Meme

2008-11-15T16:21:00.004-05:00

I was tagged to do a meme. I think that's what they're called. Anyway, I'm feeling quite negative about many, many things right now so, instead of posting a mean rant I'm doing this:

THE FAVOURITE MEME. Fill in your favourite for each of the following:

1. Political show: Bill Mayer

2. Picnic food: I don't really picnic. When I go to the beach, though, I like grapes. Dark red, seedless grapes (and beer LOL!!)

3. Mixed drink: Green Apple Martinis. OMG I love these things. I could become an alcoholic on these so I'm not keeping the ingredients in the house. Sadly, I'm so not kidding.

4. U.S. President: I have no idea. But, I do know who our next one will be!!

5. Kind of student to teach: I'm thinking this must have started with a teacher group? Anyway, when I was a Substitute teacher I always liked the boys better. I think it's because I have boys but the girls just seemed to be too full of drama.

6. Hobby you do or wish you still did: I wish I still did Jazz and I wish I still felt like scrapbooking. It's a great idea, that scrapbooking, but I think it's for organized people and I am definitely the opposite of that
!
7. Sports commentator: Don Cherry!!!

8. Sport to watch on TV: Hockey

9. Animal to have as a pet: I like my dog, a Scottie named McDuff

10. Halloween costume you have worn: Please know that I hate Halloween. I don't have a creative bone in my body. I'm crafty but only if you show me what to do. I can follow instructions. Anyway, I guess the best one was when I went as Nicole Brown Simpson. Andrew went as OJ and it was tasteless and funny.

11. Kind of dessert : My carrot cake and my mom's trifle and my sister's nanaimo bars and my sister in law's chocolate chip cookies.

12. Comic strip: I don't read the comics. If I were going to, though, I still like Calvin and Hobbs

13. Style or make of footwear : OMG!! They're these shoes called One Sole. They're totally cool and wonderful for someone who travels so much. They have a sole with snaps. Then you snap on whichever "top" you want. I'm not explaining it very well. Here's a link:

14. Ice cream flavor: Pralines and Cream
.
15. College or university president What?!
16. Internet news source AOL front page and Perez Hilton. (I stole that from Holly! LOL!!)

17. Vacation spot: Aruba but I'm going to Hawaii next September so I have a feeling that could change.

18. Wine: Pheonix by Penley Estates

19. Way to waste time instead of working: So many!! Playing Pogo games, watching tv, reading books and magazines, reading other people's blogs and chatting on the phone

20. Student excuse for late work: ???

21. Reality show: American Idol

22. Jewelry on a man: Cool watch

23. Pizza topping: This is gross but - extra cheese, black olives and anchovies

24. Children’s movie: Chitty Chitty Bang Bang of course

25. Celebrity you wish would retire: Bill O'Reilly

Ok, that's it on that. I'm supposed to tag people to do this so I'm tagging Candace and Judy (I know you're not writing anymore but you could do this one, couldn't you? please?) & Susan P

I'll write a real update tomorrow.

TTFN!

Have I told you?

2008-11-03T19:45:00.003-05:00

Have I told you.......

That I don't like my oncologist. I really, really don't like this guy. He's very dismissive and doesn't listen. Here's what happened. I went to him last Tuesday to get my Herceptin. I wasn't even scheduled to see him but he wanted to see me because we go the results of all the tests. Well, frankly, I'd already discussed the results with my radiation oncologist (who I love, love, love!!!) and didn't see the point. He was running late. and later. and finally I went up and said that we needed to get moving on this because I was seeing my surgeon in an hour and a half. Turns out, I didn't get to see the doctor for another half hour. So...there wasn't enough time for the Herceptin. I had to go see my surgeon and then come back later in the afternoon for the Herceptin. This pissed me off right there, k? Really fucking pissed me off. I don't have time for that kind of shit.

Anyway, I finally get in to see the oncologist and he goes over the results and I ask him about the lymph node. I really want to know why my lymph node is enlarged if it's not cancer. He says in his stupid Brazilian accent "There's no enlarged lymph node." I say "yes there was" He says "no there wasn't" I say "Well you must not have all the results because there was an enlarged lymph node". He keeps insisting there wasn't and now, every time, I begin to talk all he keeps saying is that it doesn't matter what there was because it's not cancer. He's talking to me like I'm an idiot! ARRRRRGH!!!!

So, I think I'm crazy, now. Maybe there was no enlarged lymph node. Maybe I made it up in my head. Maybe I've gone fucking mad!!!!!!!!!!! Maybe I have that Munchhausen's disease where you want attention so you make up diseases. Well, I did love getting the cards and the flowers but I can't imagine wanting to be sick for those things, you know? But, well, I'm thinkin' I'm nuckin futs, ok? So, I leave there and go over to the surgeon's office. I get in right away to see him. No waiting. He does the exam and I'm fine. I have a hematoma in my boob (it hurts) but it'll go away. It was caused by bruising on the inside when I got my biopsy. The bad thing is that it hurts. The good thing is that it's rounding out my indented boob. I kinda like it, ya know? Makes me look more "normal", ya know? Anyway, he finishes the exam and I ask with much trepidation "I did have an enlarged lymph node, didn't I?" He says, " yes, it didn't show anything...It was probably enlarged because of the trauma of the lumpectomy and we will now watch it. Always. It will probably stay enlarged but we have to watch it for any changes." OK, now. That's a good doctor, right?

So, I tell him that # 1 - I hate my oncologist and #2 why and #3 I want a new one. He asked if there was any way I could stay with this guy until my Herceptin's done because it's better to stay with the same doctor until the treatment ends. So....I'm going to try to stay with the stupid Brazilian guy but I am going to tell him how I feel next time I see him and if I don't get a satisfactory answer I'm going to a different oncologist.

There.

Have I told you.....

That my dog's doing chemo? He's actually doing really well with it. I love him.

Have I told you....

That we're coming to Canada for our Thanksgiving? It's the last Thursday in November. Andrew, Jeff and I are coming on the 22nd flying from Tampa and Scott & Kevin are coming on the 25th from Orlando. It's Andrew's mom's 80th birthday!!! 80!! I so want to make it to 80! Oh, hell, who am I kidding, I'll be happy to make it to 50, to tell you the truth. Oh!! that brings me to another one....

Have I told you.....

When I was getting my Herceptin treatment a lady there did a palm reading on me? I'm gonna outlive you all!!!!! Yay!!!!! Andrew is my true love. I am strong and caring. Cool, eh?

Have I told you....

that I think I'm having allergic reactions to the Herceptin? OMG!! I am so frickin' itchy!!!!!! It's mostly in my hands and feet but it does go up my calves and arms later in the day. Isn't that weird? Oh, I did tell you that before 'cause I remember telling you about using the hemerroid cream on the itchy parts. Now that's weird!

Have I told you...

That my port moved. When I was having my PET scan they had me put my arms above my head and I could feel a stitch come out from my port. It didn't hurt or anything I just knew something had happened. So, after the scan I felt my port and sure enough it moved onto it's side. It's ok, I guess. The surgeon said as long as it's accessible, it's fine. Phew! I have a love/hate relationship with my port but it keeps me from having to get an IV every time I have a Herceptin treatment so I mostly love it. But, it is ugly.

Have I told you...

That Scott and Kevin are doing Air Force ROTC and I thought they would hate it but they love it? They've never really liked anyone telling them what to do so I don't understand what they love so much but they love it, nevertheless.

Have I told you......

That I think the Air Force ROTC is a cult? That's right. I said it. A frickin' cult. They love it. They call them "family" (WTF!!!!) and they don't come home because they're doing "stuff" with their flights. That's just fuckin' pissing me off. I am their family. I cleaned their butts, wiped their noses and put up with their stinky feet and smelly farts and took them to hockey and soccer and karate and every other frickin' thing they did and.... surprise, surprise, boys! I didn't always enjoy it either. Andrew, too of course. And their brothers. We all supported each other. These people that they just met in September are not their family. OK, rant over. I really am happy for them that they're so happy but if they don't come home soon I'm going to hire one of those cult people to de-brainwash them! ROFL!!!!!!!

Have I told you....

that I'm done.

Night Night!!

Can't Take the Smile Off My Face!!

2008-10-24T09:29:00.003-04:00

I just can't take the smile off my face! I'm so happy.

You know, here's what I do. I suppress my feelings. I was really really scared to even think about having cancer again. It terrified me. If I did have cancer, it really wouldn't be good. It would have meant that the cancer lived through chemo and radiation. Which would mean it's one bad-ass cancer. So...I was terrified. I, literally, envisioned my kids graduating college without me there. Getting married without me there. Worse yet? I envisioned Andrew at their wedding with some pretty skinny bitch instead of me. Yep, I said it. I'm just being honest. I also envisioned this skinny bitch with my grandchildren. Oh! Don't get me wrong here...I would want Andrew to find someone after me. And...it would be ok if she's a skinny bitch. I would just prefer not to die, OK? LOL!!

Anyway, it always surprises me, after something is over, how stressed/tired I was when I was going through it. Like, after radiation. I was exhausted. Mentally and physically. But, I don't think I really realized how exhausted I was until I started feeling better. And. Just last week. I was so scared but I ignored it. I try to be a optimist. I look at things realistically but like to "look at the bright side", too. Now that it's over, though, I can admit how scared I was.

Here's an example. About the cancer.

"Oh shit! I'll have to have another operation. And maybe chemo. But...I'll get cards in the mail again, Kim might come and visit again, I would get to quit my job, I can buy cool hats again, maybe get to see Donny Osmond again, and can be really lazy and have an excuse."

Does that make sense? Anyway, I just thought I'd let you all know how I was/am feeling. People always wonder what they'd do in a similar situation so I thought I'd share what it's like.

Oh, the dog. I should talk about the dog. OMG!! I love that dog! He's so cute. Anyway, his official name is McDuff. We call him Duffy. Unless he's being an idiot (like, we're on a walk, and he digs his little paws in and won't move until he's sniffed and peed on whatever it is he has to sniff and pee on - then I call him McDuff). He's a Scottish Terrier. I grew up with Scotties and they are such a wonderful dog that I wanted one for my kids. Anyway, he had his first Chemo last Friday and his second one is today. Surprisingly enough? He's fine with it. I think he slept more than usual but that's about it. I wish chemo had been that easy for me!! Lucky little doggie.

Andrew's out of town. Again. Europe. We got a security system so I wouldn't be freaking out and could get some sleep. I live in a fortress, now. But....I still put "stuff" in front of my bedroom door and lock it, but I did sleep soundly last night (with the help of some antihistamine's LOL!!). Oh the antihistamines. I seem to have some sort of allergic reaction to the Herceptin. It makes me so itchy. Mostly on the hands and feet but also on my arms and shins. It drives me crazy! I itch until I bleed. That's not good, eh? So I've been taking antihistamine's to take away the itch. I've tried all sorts of things on the itchy areas. I've tried benadryl gel, aloe. I even tried Preparation H. Well? If it takes away the itchiness of hemorrhoids it should work on my feet, right? It doesn't. Anyway, the good thing (see? there I go again - looking for that silver lining!) is that the antihistamine's put me to sleep. Yeah!! Even the hot flashes don't wake me up. Bonus!!

OK, I feel like I'm rambling now so I'll say goodbye.

Goodbye.

I DON'T HAVE CANCER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2008-10-15T12:58:00.002-04:00

I DON'T HAVE CANCER!!!!!!!!!!!!

I got all the test results back and I do not have cancer. Not in the lymph nodes and not in the biopsy specimen!!

WOOHOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

YAHOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Thanks to all who prayed for me and sent me their best wishes and thoughts!!

ttfn peeps!

What A Strange Day.....

2008-10-14T16:50:00.002-04:00

OMG!! This has been the single most rollercoaster day of my entire life. Here's how it's gone so far:

Woke up early this morning to go to my biopsy. To tell you the truth, I didn't think it was going to be a big deal. The results are a big deal but the biopsy? No biggy. After all, when I went for my first biopsy, it was an ultrasound biopsy. They had an opening at 7:00 in the evening so off we went. No fasting. No getting ready. Just throw on a gown and do it.

This one? Very different. I went into the hospital. Had to fast. Did a shitload of paperwork and then into the pre-op area. Did you get that? The pre-op area. WTF!! (what the fuck) I get a gown on, they do my vitals, tell me I can't work that day. What? I have things to do!! Not really, but I have things to pretend to do!! LOL!! Then I get an IV (my third in as many weeks) which pisses me off yet again 'cause I have a port which only seems to be used for the Herceptin. Again. WTF!! I thought the whole idea of a port was so I don't have to get "stuck" a gazillion times. Ugh. My blood pressure's too high so they do it again. It's ok that time so they proceed. I get valium. Yay!!! I love valium! The procedure was fine. I get on a table on my tummy. It has two cutouts for my boobies. They clamp my boob so it won't move (didn't hurt) and into the MRI machine I go. Three minutes later I come out. They inject the "stuff" in and back into the MRI machine I go. Three minutes later I come out. I get more valium!! Yay, valium!! The doctor freezes my boob. That was a little painful but not that bad. The rest I didn't feel. I did hear him using a vacuum-like machine to get the sample but other than that, no big deal. Came home at 10 am and slept till 2:30. Yay valium!!

OK, so I'll explain the rollercoaster:

Get up realize that the coffee's brewing and I can't have any and I have to have a biopsy - down
Get to the hospital and have to have an IV - more down
Doctor comes in and tells me that the results from the PET scan came in and I DON'T HAVE CANCER IN MY LYMPH NODES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! - way up. way the fuck up!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Go in for biopsy - a little down
Come home to sleep - a little up
Talk to my mommy and Kim and Scott and Jeff (Kevin was in class) - way up
Duffy's vet calls and tells me my dog has cancer of the lymph nodes and chemo will cost $1,000. If we don't do chemo he will die in 12 weeks!! - way, way down!!
Talk to Andrew and just tell him we're doing the chemo for the dog. - more down

I never, ever, just tell Andrew that we're doing something. That's not the way we've ever worked. We always run things by each other. Talk about things. Discuss them. Sometimes argue about them. I think that's why our marriage has worked so well for all these years. It's out of respect that we do these things. So, this was very, very unusual that I would just tell Andrew something. Especially something that costs $1000. But, (I'm crying now) I just can't have my dog die of cancer. I just can't. He was so there for me during my cancer stuff. And he doesn't even like me that much. But, I really think dogs can tell when there's something wrong and he'd just hang around me. Lie at the bottom of the bed. Lie in my doorway. Cry with me when I needed it (he thought we were singing, to be honest, but, still - he was there for me). Anyway, there is just no other option. We're doing the chemo.

Now, tonight, I'm going to The Melting Pot with some of my favourite ladies in the world. It's a fondue restaurant and they're having a Breast Cancer Awareness night so we're going to partay!! So, I'll end the night on an up.

There you have it, my roller coaster day.

I get the results of my biopsy tomorrow so I'll post then.

Aunt Ardyth - thanks for the phone call. I love you and your support means the world to me. I smiled so wide when I got your message. Thanks!

Syrene - thank you so much for the presents. You are just the sweetest thing!!

Karen - thank you for posting on my blog and for your ongoing support. I love you!!

That's all peeps!
ttfn

Waiting and Weird.....

2008-10-09T16:54:00.002-04:00

The waiting is obviously for test results. I had the PET scan yesterday. Here's the weird. Get this. When I was finished I had to sign a form saying I wouldn't go near small children or pregnant women for 48 hours following the test. That's how much radioactive material is running through me. How weird is that?

OK, here's another weird. I took Duffy to the vets today. He has little lumps under his chin. The vet is now testing him for cancer of the lymph nodes. Duffy and me. Two peas in a pod. And he doesn't even like me much! ROFL!!! So, obviously, we're waiting for test results on him, too (Monday afternoon).

I have my biopsy on Tuesday morning. Apparently it's quite painful so I'm going to ask for some good drugs to get me through. LOL!!

Oh, and just for more weirdness? It was Andrew and my 30th anniversary of our first date on Tuesday. That means I must have dated him when I was a baby!! ROFL!!! Nah....I'm proud of my age. That's one thing that cancer changes. Anyone who laments about being a year older can suck it. You should be glad you're a year older. I can hardly wait till 46 and then 47 and on and on till I'm 90!! Ok, you may not think the 30th anniversary thing is weird but my comments after it more than make up for it, right? Did that make sense. I have a cold and a headache and I'm going to bed now - 5 pm!!

g'nite everybody!!

Uh Oh.....

2008-10-05T17:58:00.002-04:00

I haven't been very truthful in my writing in that past week or two. I've been hiding results from my testing. Mostly because we were trying to "protect" our boys. They're away at college and I didn't want to scare them with "maybe" information. Then, I decided that, firstly, I think they wouldn't like that I was keeping things from them. That's never been something our family has done and I don't want to start now. And, secondly, if the cancer is back/still there, how would they feel getting a phone call with that news but no build-up.

Here's the news. Remember, we don't know anything yet.

I went for my MRI a couple of weeks ago. The found a small 5 mm spot where my scar is. They also found an enlarged lymph node. I went in for my mammogram this past Wednesday, fully prepared for a biopsy. Once again, the mammogram didn't show anything. This doesn't surprise me. I had quite a large tumor the first go round and it didn't show up in the mammogram . After the mammogram they did an ultrasound. They didn't see the "spot" on the mammogram but they did see and showed me the enlarged lymph node.

The follow-up to this is a full body scan and then to biopsy the spot with the help of an MRI. I don't really know how they do this so it'll be interesting at the very least. So, the body scan is on Wednesday. I have the appointment for the biopsy the following Tuesday but they're hoping to squeeze me in this Thursday.

They are very concerned with both the enlarged lymph node and the spot. Needless to say, I am losing sleep over this. I know I complain about work but I really really want to work this selling season. It's going to be a big money making season and I just want to work and make a shitload of money. I also don't want to lose my boob or go through chemo again or lose my hair or have cancer ever again. Period. So this really does suck. Then again, if it is cancer? Remember what my reward was the last time? Donny!! Well, they're still in Vegas so I'm thinking that could happen again, right? ROFL!!!

I'll keep everyone informed as the results come back. We'll probably do the phone chain thing for immediate family and Aunt Ardyth and Judy and everyone else can keep informed via this blog.

Pray for me, peeps!

ttfn

October

2008-10-02T12:41:00.003-04:00

I remember last year. I had just been diagnosed with breast cancer and then breast cancer awareness month started. It was everywhere. I couldn't get away from it.

Same thing this year. There are specials and ads and more ads and articles. As a person battling cancer I don't want to think about it all the time. It's distressing. But there it is. I'm happy that there's a month dedicated to breast cancer but it's hard. Ya know?

Oh! and my poor boobies. Squished yesterday. It's really not a pleasant thing to go through, those mammograms. I said to the technician: "and men think getting a finger up the butt to check for prostate cancer is bad! They should have their testicles squished in a machine!" She laughed. I don't mean it, though. I don't wish the squishing on them. Well....maybe a little! ROTFL!!!!

ttfn

One Year

2008-09-29T14:22:00.003-04:00

Yesterday marked one year (at exactly 5:30) since I found out I had breast cancer. What an anniversary to remember, eh?

It started the end of one existence and the beginning of another. A new norm, I'm told. I'm now part of a club no one wants to be a part of.

I went for my follow-up MRI a week ago and go for my mammogram/ultrasound on Wednesday. To say I'm on pins and needles waiting for the results would be the ultimate understatement. I'm terrified. And no one can say - oh don't worry, it'll be fine. If you do, I'll come through the computer and strangle you. It's just time I'm going to have to pass waiting for the results.

Just pray for me and send your angels my way.

My Boys

2008-09-22T16:11:00.002-04:00

The boys came home this weekend and I was very very happy so I think my tiredness and lack of oomph might actually be Empty Nest Doldrums. How much does that suck? I can't even do anything about it. Well, I could break their kneecaps and tie them to the beds but I don't think they'd be as enjoyable like that, you know? LOL!!

The gray sky isn't helping any and the damn dog wanting to be let in and out and in and out and in and out and in and out and in and out isn't helping either. Anyone want a dog? ROFL!! I'm kidding!! I love him he's just bugging me, ya know?

Oh, I forgot to mention that I coloured my hair again. I am now back to blonde and loving it.

ttfn

Interesting

2008-09-22T07:56:00.001-04:00

This is not a political blog. I came across this video and I find it interesting. See for yourself...

Click on the link and watch the video titled WR. Very interesting.

http://www.rosie.com/blog/page/2/

ttfn

Stepping Into The Ring

2008-09-19T16:12:00.002-04:00

My friend, Laurie, who I met at Radiation sent me this. It made me cry in sadness and in victory.

I haven't written lately. I'm not feeling very energetic. I think I'm tired from and of my fight. I don't think I'm depressed I just don't feel like interacting with people, much. I think it's a combination of the realization that I really am fighting for my life and the fact the my kids have all gone to college. I'm not sad they've gone to college. Au contraire. I miss them but I'm not sad. I'm just in a very quiet mood. I know, I know. It takes a lot to make me go quiet. I guess this is it.

I also miss my family and Debbie. It's, actually, worse since I got back from Scott and my trip to Canada. It was a really great trip and I got to spend lots of time with some of my favourite people in the world. Lots of laughing till I almost peed my pants! Maybe it'll get better when my parents get here at the beginning of November. Maybe it'll get better next week when I start my new job. Maybe it'll get better tomorrow when all my boys are home for the weekend.

I dunno. Anyway, watch this video. It's a good one.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W_yivlcCpB4

ttfn peeps

9/11

2008-09-11T14:16:00.002-04:00

Up until seven years ago, September 11 was just my brother-in-law, Randy's birthday. It was the day after my mom's birthday. It was, probably, a day where we had to go to a few soccer practices and get the kids to do their homework. Then, there was that fateful day.

We were living in Connecticut at the time. I took Scott to the dentist or doctor. I don't remember which. It was a beautiful September day. Still warm but not humid. The kind of day you wish could happen every day. I was taking Scott back to school when I heard, on the radio, what was happening. Andrew went into NYC to attend meetings quite often at that time. I didn't really pay attention to when he was going. Just, at the end of the day, in our chat about what we'd done that day, he would mention that he'd gone "into the city". I didn't want to worry Scott (he was in grade 7 at the time, I think) so I didn't mention my concern that his dad might be in NYC and dropped him off at school and drove home - a little faster than I should have. I immediately turned on the tv to see. I then called Andrew on his cell phone. I often wonder why I waited. Why didn't I call him on my cell phone after I dropped Scott off? I know the answer to that now.

When I was waiting for my results from my biopsy, I almost didn't want the call to come. I knew that once I got the phone call confirming it? Life would change. Cancer's one thing. The death of a spouse completely different. And, of course, that's where my mind had gone. So, when I called Andrew and he answer that phone I was so relieved to hear his voice. I asked where he was and he answered that he was in his office, why? He didn't know what was happening. I told him and told him he needs to find a tv and get to it. Just then, the second plane hit the second tower. I yelled out. Shocked. I was relieved that Andrew was ok but knew that many others were not.

The next months living in Connecticut were so sad. Life went on but so much was different. There were so many funerals. Every day for a week or two there were funerals in our little town and the surrounding towns. Everyone knew someone or the relative of someone who had died. We only lived an hour and a half away from NYC so people did commute in and out of the city all the time. It was so awful. I'd go into town on an errand and there was another funeral. I'd take the kids to a school event or soccer practice or hockey practice and someone would know someone who had found out that someone had died. It wasn't all immediate. There was hope for weeks later. People hoping that the person who was in the towers was just in a hospital somewhere with no ID. When the person wasn't found, the funerals were then arranged.

I remember going into my "card shop" about three weeks after 9/11. You have to remember, this was a very small town. I went into this shop every week to buy a card or browse or just to visit the girl who ran the shop (I can't remember her name, now). She was closing the shop and it was only about 11 am and it was unusual for her to close the shop. I asked her, jokingly, if she was playing hooky that day and could I come play hooky, too. She informed me that her brother had perished in the twin towers an she had to attend his memorial service that afternoon. OMG! I didn't even know. I had been in the shop several times since 9/11. I had even chatted with her at soccer while she was watching her nephew play and I was watching my kids. She explained that they had been holding on to hope. Hoping he was alive. Somewhere. Somehow. I went home and cried. Cried for her loss. For Robert's loss of an uncle. And cried with relief that no one I knew had died.

Seven years later, it is still my brother-in-law's birthday. Happy birthday, Randy. It's still the day after my mom's birthday and it's another beautiful day. In fact, every single September 11 has been a beautiful day.

I, for one, will be counting my blessings today. How 'bout you?

I'm Home :(

2008-09-08T13:37:00.002-04:00

I came home early - Sunday. I looked at what the weather would be bringing and it seemed to be more of the same. Cold (for me) and wet. That would mean staying in the hotel room all day. In countries whose English TV shows are either the BBC or CNN - neither of which interest me. In very, very small hotel rooms with no room service.

I did have some fun in Paris, however, thanks to Sandra and Herve. Herve works with Andrew and Sandra (pronounced Sondra) is his Swedish girlfriend. Can you say cute? Both of them! Cute as buttons. There's Herve with his French accent and very good looking. And there's Sandra with her Swedish good looks and an English accent. If they weren't so nice I would hate them!! ROFL!!

Anyway, Thursday nite we went out for dinner with them. It was a lot of fun. Sandra and I definitely "bonded". She's only 23 but it was one of those rare times when you feel like you've met a kindred spirit. We decided we would spend Friday afternoon together people watching and shopping and drinking Kir Royale. Turned out to be a sucky day weather wise and I decided I'd better not go. It was raining and shitty. I went next door to a patiseree to pick up some lunch and I go the best Quiche I've ever, ever, ever had and an amazing, amazing, amazing chocolate eclair. OMG!! To fricking die for!!

That evening we went to Moulin Rouge. Everyone enjoyed it. The men liked the boobs. I loved the dancing. I think Sandra liked it all. We smiled all the way through. Then we went out to an Irish Pub and drank and danced the night away. Literally. I think we got in at 4am. It was so fun!

Saturday afternoon Andrew & I went to Notre Dame Church and then L'Arc de Triomphe and then we wandered down Champs L'Esee (spelling?) for a while. It was nice. We went out for dinner later. Quiet dinner. We were a bit melancholy knowing I was leaving the next morning and wouldn't get to see Amsterdam and meet Mike and Ania.

So...I'm home. Had some great flights. On time and not crowded. I got three seats all to myself for the 8 hour flight so I layed down and slept and watched two movies. Nice. Jeff & Chanel picked me up at the airport. So nice to come home to such warm and loving hugs. I love those two!!

I don't really know how staying home alone is going to be. Last night I was very nervous about being in the house all alone so I put a chair against the bedroom door. I was still a little nervous so Andrew said I should lock the bedroom door and put a chair against it tonight. I think that will work. That and some Tylenol PM to knock me out. LOL!!

Well gotta go. Need some food in this house and to restart the mail and get money to pay my dog sitter.

TTFN!

I Wanna Come Home!

2008-09-04T07:44:00.002-04:00

Well, I've been in Europe for a week and I want to come home. Not because I'm homesick, just because I'm sick.

It's chilly over here and my asthma has kicked in. It started with a cold and now I'm coughing like crazy and my chest feels a little heavy and has a slight burn. I think it's the cooler temperatures. It's not actually that cold out but for my lungs, which are used to 100 degree weather, I guess 70 is cold. I dunno.

Anyway, I'm looking into changing my ticket to coming home on Monday. I don't know if it's even do-able because we used skymiles to get here. I guess we'll see.

I have been having fun, though. Dusseldorf was good. We got there on Thursday. I slept all day to get rid of the jet lag and we went out for dinner that night. I ordered dessert and looked over at Andrew and the poor guy was falling asleep! I felt so bad. He had worked all day while I slept!

Friday I shopped and found a cute leather jacket for a great price. It was on sale because it's a "summer" leather jacket - perfect for the cooler weather in Florida! Friday night we went out to the "old town". Had way too much to drink and a lot of fun. Saturday we slept in till 2:30! As I said way too much to drink! LOL!!

Saturday afternoon we went on a boat trip down the Reine. What a huge river! Huge barges go up and down. I wanted to see them crash into each other but they didn't. Sick, eh? We went to see a "broken" castle and then went back to old town for more drinking and food. Again stayed out way too late! Can you say Party Animals?!! ROFL!!!

Sunday we went to some sort of palace. We took a train to get there, toured around and came back. It was forgetable. Then, we went to Guido's house for dinner with his wife, Simona, and three tiny daughters. OMG!! They are sooo cute! Twins who are 2 and a baby who's almost 1. All three with that beautiful white hair and really sweet. Andrew got into the sandbox and played with them. They loved him! All little kids love Andrew. Dinner was wonderful. Lots of different types of meat, various salads and cheeses and bread with all sorts of pestos. Really different from anything we would have here. I loved it!

Then....I started feeling like crap. By the time we got home from Guido's I had a huge cold coming on. I went to bed with the kleenex beside the bed and woke up feeling like crap. I went to the pharmacy and got some pills. I took them and they made me feel well enough to go out for dinner that night. We went to a restaurant at the top of a tower - similar to the CN tower but smaller. That dinner was with Guido, Sabina and The Cute Boy. OMG!!! I'm sorry! I don't remember his name but, man! Was he cute! I told Sabina he was "eye candy". She'd never heard that before but he really is.

Monday night after we came home I took the cold pills I had bought and then took my Tylenol PM. Partway through the night I woke up and thought "Holy Shit, the cold pills are probably the same as the Tylenol PM and I've probably overdosed". I looked it up the next day in a German/English dictionary online and sure enough, I'd double dosed. Oops! Won't do that again!!

Tuesday I stayed in all day. Wasn't feeling well. We went out for a quiet dinner. It sucked.

Wednesday morning at 4 am we got up and headed for Paris. My favourite city in the world! I really do love it. I napped until about noon and headed out. It was chilly, though. We're within walking distance of the Eiffel Tower, which is cool. Andrew and I went for a great dinner last night (escargot, duck l'orange and creme brullee!) and then walked over to the Eiffel Tower for the lights show. Took lots of pictures which I'll put up later. Then...I spent the entire night coughing and coughing and coughing. Not a regular cough but that shitty barking cough that I get when bronchitis is coming on. Crap!!

So, it's Thursday afternoon right now. I slept in till noon. I'm staying in the hotel all day. I really think the cold air is bugging my lungs so I'm just staying in. So...here I am in my favourite city and I'm staying in my fucking room! Crap!!

There you have it. An update on our travels and my health. I know it was boring without pictures but I don't have the cords to download the pictures so those will come later. I'm gonna call my momma, now, and whine. That'll make me feel better!

Cheers!

My Present

2008-08-24T11:13:00.002-04:00

This is what Andrew sent me for our Anniversary!!

ROTFL!! LMFAO!!!

http://sendables.jibjab.com/view/owner/ZX0BaRA2HZKXt7T5#/owner/ZX0BaRA2HZKXt7T5

ttfn!

Oh!! PS, We're going to Europe for 3 weeks starting on Wednesday!! Dusseldorf, Amsterdam and Paris!! WOOHOO!!!!

A Craig's List Rant

2008-08-22T23:09:00.003-04:00

One of my fellow "survivors" sent this to me. Someone posted it on Craig's List. I don't love the part at the end of each paragraph saying "when you get it" but it really, clearly describes the road I've taken. The constipation part really hit home and the other part about some friends just not staying in contact.

Anyway, here's the link.

http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/pdx/465030621.html

ttfn peeps

Happy Anniversary, Babe!

2008-08-22T09:46:00.002-04:00

You know you've been married a long time when you forget it's your anniversary. We celebrated our 26th anniversary yesterday!

The huge thing was that Andrew came home early from work! He also brought me flowers but, truthfully, time with him is the best anniversary present a girl could get. It's funny 'cause every time an anniversary comes you think "It seems like yesterday that we got married." And then you start thinking about all the things we've done/accomplished/gone through and it does seem like a long time. For example, I remember everything about my wedding day. Dancing to "Stars on 45" and who was there and how the bartender thought I was drunk 'cause I kept losing my wine glass and coming up for more. He must have given me 20 glasses of wine! LOL!! And going pee in a wedding dress. Now that's an interesting thing. Needed help with that one! LOL!! Then, I think of this last year and all we've endured and the year seems so long. Weird.

I went for a job interview yesterday. I'm going to take the position. It's working in the Medicare Advantage field again. I don't love working with that demographic but the money's too good to pass up.

We move Kevin and Scott to Orlando this weekend. They're sharing a beautiful house with a brother and sister who they've known since high school. Their mom went through breast cancer five years ago. She had her big five year body scan about a month ago and they found a tumor in her ovary area, I think. Anyway, she had surgery on Monday and....IT'S NOT CANCER!!! yeah!!! I'm so happy for her and her kids and husband. It would really suck for her to have to go through chemo all over again. Chemo really does suck.

Anyway, I'm off to recover those chairs. Yes, I'm a procrastinator and I didn't do it the other day so, here I am, the day before they move, recovering chairs. Ugh! I wish I was an A-type personality sometimes! ROFL!!!

ttfn!

My Hair

2008-08-20T17:16:00.002-04:00

As you can see, I changed the picture of Andrew and I. Do I look gay? I mean, seriously, do I look gay? Apparently I do because if one more girl "approaches" me I'm going to go for it!

Andrew & I went out about a month ago and, when he went to the bathroom, a couple of gay girls came over and started flirting with me. It happened a few times in Vegas, too. No. This was not in my head. I did not make it up. Since then? I've been wearing long dangly earrings trying to make sure this doesn't happen again.

And...just for the record. I have nothing against lesbians. I just don't want to be one, ya know? (Although, I do admit, it's a bit of an ego boost!)

Gotta go reupholster some kitchen chairs. Having three kids in college will make you do horrible things - like pick up your neighbours old kitchen table and chairs out of their garbage! Oh yes! I did that and I'm proud of it. It's a perfectly good table, for pete's sake! ROFL!!

ttfn, peeps!

I'm Better Today!

2008-08-17T10:56:00.002-04:00

I'm in a much better mood today.

We're getting kind of excited around here. We might get a hurricane coming through! I know that sounds crazy to get excited about it but it will only be a category 1 so we don't have to evacuate or put the boards on our windows. We just get to sit and watch it. It's really cool. The sky "swirls". One hour the wind is going one way the next hour it's going a different way.

So, don't worry about us down here in Florida. A category 1 hurricane is just a big storm. We might lose power, which would totally suck because it's hot a hell down here, but other than that? It should be really interesting and totally cool.

TTFN!

I HATE CANCER!

2008-08-15T10:58:00.006-04:00

I'm so mad at cancer today. I just can't explain it. I'm just in a foul mood and mad at cancer.

How dare it take my grandmother away from me! How dare it attack my sweet father-in-law! How dare it take Mr Laws' life and Jake at 15! How dare it put Mrs. Young through such a battle! How dare it attack my father and me! How dare it take Briana's life and Jeff's mom! How dare it attack Helga and Laurie and Vanessa and Brandy and Brandy's friend Betty! The fucking bastard!!

I FUCKING HATE CANCER!!

I know that having hatred in my heart isn't good. I must replace it with love but, today? I'm frustrated. My hips hurt and my spirit is low. It may have something to do with the fact that all my kids are going to college in the next week. I think it's more than that, though. I met so many amazing people while going through this. They sat next to me in chemo or across from me in chemo or while waiting for radiation. They were all so nice and we were all going through this shitty battle. We put on brave faces and laughed at our deformed selves (remember, Laurie, the day you came in "lopsided"?) but some days it just really really sucks and I hate it.

I hate that I had to go through this. It's made my kids face things that no one wants their kids to face. It made my parents so sad and scared. It made my sister cry over and over. It made my nieces and nephews have to know that there's a disease that can kill their cousin's mother. It takes the innocent and makes them not-so-innocent and that sucks.

Now I have to face a double hip replacement and that sucks, too. And Vanessa has to go into surgery on Monday, scared and having to think about doing chemo all over again and her children and husband have to be scared and brave all over again.

I FUCKING HATE CANCER!! I HATE IT, I HATE IT, I

HATE IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Vegas and more

2008-08-13T07:40:00.006-04:00

Well, I'm finally getting a chance to sit down and write about Vegas and Donny!!!

Vegas was great! We didn't lose too much money and had tons of fun. We stayed at Planet Hollywood for the first three nights and then at Treasure Island. Planet Hollywood's way better.

Thursday - got there and got our bearings.

Friday - booked a trip on the Colorado River and went to see Kathy Griffin in the evening. She was so funny! At one point she made reference to the fact that Donny and Marie were in town. And then she fell on the floor - a la Marie's fainting experience on Dancing With The Stars. That was funny. Then she went on to say she thinks Marie's dolls are creepy (I agree) and that she thinks Marie beats Donny and he has to wear a lot of makeup to cover up his black eyes and then she said "They have that song I'm a Little Bit Country I'm a Little Bit Rock and Roll. Well, Marie might be a little bit country but Donny? He's never been even a little bit rock and roll!" It was funny. I think Andrew thought I'd stand up and yell something. I didn't. Phew! I know y'all were thinking I would, too, weren't you? I was on my best behaviour!

Saturday we went on our Colorado River Trip. It was really cool. We got to see the "backside of the Hoover Dam. We went on a raft for about three hours. We stopped for lunch along the way (a boxed lunch) and they said we could swim. The water was 54 degrees so you can imagine not many people went in. Only the brave......

I'm thinking about it...... (so's the Europeon guy in the teeny tiny bathing suit)

I'm Brave!!! I got all the way in. Not once. Not twice. But three times!!!

I'm so proud at this moment...

Now? All I want is out! This was my first venture in. The third time I actually stayed in for quite a while. The water burned it was so cold but I figured when else will I ever get a chance to do something like this? I'm also proud to say that only one other woman went in (another Florida chick) and about three other guys out of the 30 or so on the tour. Who woulda thunk, eh?

My honey and me. She how he's dry and I'm not? He ended up getting soaking wet from the spray on the boat.

Here's some pictures of the sights we saw:

Andrew right before the rafting tour. He thought he'd have a chance to change into his bathing suit but there was no chance so he ended up getting really wet in his clothes.

On the river

A mountain goat

A girl on the tour's foot. Her mother had breast cancer (she is now at the five year remission mark - yay her!!) and this girl had a tattoo done as an ode to her mom. I loved it and it got me thinking that I'd like something, too. I haven't done it yet. I know which tattoo guy will do it I just have to get him to design it and find some money for it. Three kids in college is expensive!!

Andrew and I in front of the Hoover Dam. He has now changed into his bathing suit because his clothes were all wet. He's a little bit backwards, eh?

We stopped at Dick's Saloon for a drink after the Kathy Griffin show and I sat on this bar stool. I didn't realize it was legs for a few minutes but once I did I needed a picture! LOL!!

Andrew and "his car" outside Planet Hollywood. In his dreams, people!! In his dreams!! I just thought it was funny that it was an orange car. Remember his first car? The orange Capri?

OK, so zip forward to Monday night. The Donny night. First off we got to go to the sound check. We waited in line because it wasn't reserved seating for that part. While in line we met these people from Orlando. She was a little bit scary. Shoot. There were scary people everywhere. You think I'm a Donny freak? You ain't seen nothin' till you've seen some of these people! Anyway, she was one of the lucky people who got to go to a meet and greet after the sound check. We got to talking and I ended up telling them all about chemo and how I had looked forward to this all through chemo and how it helped me get through. That whole light at the end of the tunnel thing. So....we go in for the sound check. It ended up being a question and answer thing. What I should have done is put up my hand and told them how this got me through chemo however....I just sat there. Some woman right behind me stood up and started blubbering that she'd loved Donny since she was a kid. Well, hello! We all have! But...he came right into the audience and gave her a hug and stood there talking to her for a couple of minutes. He was within an armlength of me. Did I do anything? Well, yes. I cryed. I sat there fucking crying!!! Did I stand up? no. Say anything? no. Just sat there fucking crying!! My big chance and I sit there crying.

Ugh! So then....those people we met in line went up for their meet and greet. It was in the audience but over to the side and up. These people were first in line and the man told Donny about me. Donny turned around and said "Where is she, I'd like to meet her." Where was I? gone. I was already out of the hall. another Ugh!!! So...I missed it. Again. Anyway, the concert was amazingly good. Even Andrew said it was good. Great, even. They are amazing performers and entertainers. I found out after I got home that after all the concerts they come out and meet their fans. Once again, I was gone. But? I got to see my dreamboat and he really is dreamy. I love him even more, now. Sigh!!!!!

So. That's our trip to Vegas. It was really fantastic. Wonderful to spend so much time with my honey. Usually when we go away, Andrew's on business and is gone all day and we only get to see each other in the evenings. This time, we got to spend lots of time together. We got to wake up together, eat together, play together. It was so nice. I love that man with all my heart ( well, not all my heart - some of my heart. My kids get some and my parents and other relatives and Debbie and her kids - ok, revision.....) I love that man with lots of my heart!! teehee!!

Other things:

- Kevin and Scott have found a house to live in in the fall. A nicer house than my house, I might add. I've been busy buying them furniture.

- We all went to Panama City Beach for a few days this past week. We stayed in a three bedroom condo. We had tons of fun. There's a jet skiing story to be told but not today.

- I went to see my orthopedic surgeon. Andrew went with me. We got to see my MRI from a few months ago and what, exactly, is happening. We saw exactly where the bone is dying and have a much better understanding of what's happening. The doctor and I have agreed that hip replacement surgery is imminent. I'm in quite a bit of pain on a daily basis. I really want to wait until April to get it done. I lost last selling season to Cancer (my selling season is Nov 15 - April 1) and I want to make some money this year. Also, it's better to wait until I'm finished the Herceptin. It is considered a chemo drug and it's better not to have surgery while I'm on it - although not impossible. I finish that in late January. Anyway, I'm on a wait and see, right now. If the pain isn't too bad I'll wait until April. If it gets too bad then I'll do it earlier. We're also talking about doing both hips at the same time. I'm feeling lots of pain in the right hip (actually groin area) and some in the left. I'd hate to get my right one done and then, a few months later, need the other done. The doctor said he was willing to do both at the same time. Once again, that's a wait and see thing, too. I'll keep you posted.

Well, that's all for now. Long post, eh? Thanks for reading!!

TTFN!!

Cancer Talk

2008-07-31T14:04:00.002-04:00

I've decided to put off writing about Vegas to talk about cancer.

Today, I was at the physiotherapists. I did my whole program and went over to the front desk. I made sure I had my appointment for next week and then the receptionist, Kathy, introduced me to two of her friends who were standing there. She said they had come to talk to me and did I have time to chat. I said sure. I thought maybe they wanted advice on insurance. We went into a private room and they shut the door. Turns out that all three of these ladies (ages 42, 43 & 45) have found lumps in their breasts and all three were told by their doctors that it was probably hormonal and nothing to worry about. All three were told that because there is no dimpling in the breast and that the nipple isn't "inverted" that it's nothing. Well, I gotta tell you, I didn't have either of those things. I ended up actually feeling two of their "lumps". I'd say that one is definitely suspect. It's the size and feel of a frozen pea. I told her that if it was me I'd be getting a mammogram. I also told them that my particular cancer didn't even show up on the mammogram so they should ask for an ultrasound, too.

This got me to thinking. How many women out there wait for a long period of time to get checked because their doctor said it's nothing? I have to tell you that we all have to be our own advocates. We have to say "I want........." and follow up with it. Stick up for yourself as though it's life or death because it just may be.

I also have an issue with my Herceptin treatments. As I've explained before I will be on Herceptin until January 2009. It is a chemo drug that specifically targets HER2 cells. My tumor was positive for that so I get Herceptin to target any lingering cells. That, in itself, makes me nervous. What lingering cells? Didn't they get it all? I have to calm that part of my brain and just go with it.

Anyway, my doctor told me that I needed to do Herceptin every 3 weeks for a year. There were no other time periods mentioned. So for the past six months I've been doing as I was told. Now, that doctor has left and I have a new doctor. The new doctor says that I'm supposed to do Herceptin every week and asked me why I had chosen to do it every 3 weeks. I explained that I wasn't given an option. This is how it was prescribed for me. He explained that all his patients do it every week because that's what the American Medical Association says to do. He said there weren't enough studies to warrant doing it every three weeks. He also said that I can continue to do it every three weeks if I want to because, as my doctor he can only give me facts and then it is up to me to make the decision as to my treatment. I am so confused by this. So I started looking up and asking around. How often do other people do Herceptin? I sure as hell don't want to risk my life by doing it every three weeks. Of course I'll do it every week if I have to. So I asked the chemo nurses. They said every three weeks is fine. That, yes, all his patients do it every week but most other doctors prescribe it every three weeks. Then, my friend, Shelley found out that at Princess Margaret in Toronto do Herceptin every three weeks. Other people online (Cancer patient message boards) seem to do both. Some do every week others do every three weeks. I just don't know what to do and my doctor wants an answer next time I see him - which is Tuesday. Anyone got a suggestion?

I also want to talk about what it's like to have had cancer. First off, it's scary. You're always thinking about whether they got it all. When I tell people I had cancer and went through chemo they always ask "Did they get it all?". I'm never sure how to answer that. I always say "They think they did. I hope they did." Only time will tell, right?

I have to tell you that I don't think about it as soon as I wake up in the morning. I'm not sure when this happened but it used to be that I'd wake up and think "Oh shit, I have cancer." I don't do that any more. Sometimes I don't even think about it until noon or later. That's such a good thing and a big relief. I was told that this thinking about it every minute of every day would eventually go away. It took some time but I seem to be getting there.

I should also update everyone on my hips. I seem to be having quite a bit of pain in the right groin area, which is a sign that the hip is deteriorating. I'm going to go to my orthopedic doctor and see whether this is happing a little quicker than I had hoped. The frustrating thing with it is that there is no timeline. You know, like when you break an arm or something they tell you that you'll be ok in 8 weeks. With this, I could end up with hip replacement in a year or in 15 years it just depends on how quickly the bones deteriorate. They also don't really know when this started. I took a lot of prednisone for a lot of years and that could be why I have this. Of course it could be the chemo. Then again it could be the combo. They don't really know why this has happened. So there's a lot of things that are just up in the air. It's a little hard to mentally accept that. I'm a planner. If they could say "You will need a hip replacement in 5 years and 7 weeks and 5 days and 8 hours" I would be much happier. This "not knowing" is hard for me to deal with.

I think that's all I have to say, right now. I just thought people would be interested to know where my brain is right now.

ttfn

What a Great Summer!!

2008-07-28T22:09:00.008-04:00

Welcome to the longest post in the history of man!

I've just had quite the traveling summer.

First there was Canada. Scott & I started off at Debbie's (my best friend) in Barrie. We got to see the Rathmann family while we were there. I babysat Stef and Scott Michael about 17 years ago and we still keep in touch.

Our luggage didn't make it to Toronto with us (long story) so the first thing we did when we got to Barrie was go to Walmart. We picked up toothbrushes, undies and I needed some decent clothes because Deb and I were supposed to go out that night. I went out in Walmart clothes!! I kept calling myself the Walmart girl. LOL!! Scott went out with Deb's kids that night. The rest of the time we sat around and chatted and ate and chillaxed.

Then we went to my parents for a few days where Scotty played golf with my dad and brother, Steve. On Friday we all headed down to Sam's (my brother's daughter) house and helped her paint her room. Then on Saturday we headed off to Sue (Andrew's sister) & Gerard's in Orangeville for a night. From there we went to a family BBQ on Sunday afternoon at Andrew's brother Steve's and his wife Monika's house with all of Andrew's family. That evening we went to watch Cameron win a baseball game and then we stayed with Jane (Andrew's sister) and Craig's for a couple of nights. Scott & Cameron headed to Wonderland on Monday. I went to watch Abby play t-ball on Monday night and on Tuesday we spent the day with my brother, Steve. We went and played mini golf (Steve won, as usual. When we were kids he beat me all the time and I just wanted to beat him but it didn't happen. Darn!) and went to the Chinguacousy petting park. There's actually no petting allowed but it was fun to watch all the animals. They were all fighting with each other. Weird. Later we went out for dinner with Steve and Sam and her boyfriend, Travis. Thank you so much for dinner! It was so good and I'm so sorry I dipped my bread in your food and made you sick! Then, they took us to Steve and Monika's (thanks, Steve!) so we could stay there a couple of nights. Here are some pictures from Wednesday at their place:

Hilary

The muscle bound boys!

Daniel jumping in

Michael "shooting" me

Michael

Scott throwing Adam - who, I might add, is the bravest child in the history of man!!

Scott threw Daniel and he gave me the "thumbs up"

Scott throwing Adam - look how high he went!

Scott

Scott and his shadow, Adam

Four gorgeous boys!

Aren't those amazing pictures? New digital camera!

OK, from there my sister, Kim, came and picked us up in Burlington and took us back to her place in Horseheads, NY. I must say. This was an amazing thing, that sister of mine, did! She drove 4 hours to come get us and then four more hours home. So, that was Thursday. That night Scott and Thomas (Kim's son) went to a bar and Kim and I went, too. It's not what it sounds. We didn't go to a bar with our kids! They went outside and we stayed inside. Lindsey (Kim's daughter) was bartending inside so we went to visit. We did venture outside for a couple of minutes to see what the music was like but we felt like it was "inappropriate" so we went up on this deck that looks down so we could hear the music (70's!) but not look like cougars. Then Friday we went to wine country. Lindsey was our DD and her son, Tyler, came along. Well, I just love this kid. He melts my heart! He is so smart (smarter than even Jeff was at that age!) and so cute and when he'd say my name? OMG!! I just kept saying "I want one!". ROFL!! A grandbaby, I mean. But, I don't really. All in good time. But he really was a cutie. Oh, and he just loves his grandpa and vice versa. He calls Randy "Pa" and when he says it? You can just hear the love in his voice. Oh! And he kept thinking Scott was Thomas. They don't actually look alike but their mannerisms are so much alike! He just kept calling Scott, Tom. So funny! Here's some pics from their house.

Kim and my cat, Stella. Kim & Randy took Stella when we moved from Connecticut to Florida. We couldn't take a cat and dog so Kim agreed to take Stella. She's definitely Kim's cat, now. She actually comes in behind Kim like this

<--------

and then starts chewing on her hair. It's love!!

Tyler

Look at those eyes!!!

Can you tell I'm in love? I just kept taking picture after picture. I think he's looking at Randy in this one - that's the look he gets when Randy's around.

Scott and Tom. See? They don't really look anything alike but their mannerisms are so similar that they look like twins. Funny!

I must say that Scott was a wonderful travel partner. He really just went with the flow and was fine doing something or nothing. I love you Scotty and I'm so glad we had that time together. Just to have a laugh or sing a song....oh! sorry, that's the song from Carol Burnett. ROFL!! I kill myself!!

So, I'm tired of typing and you're probably tired of reading so I'm going to write about Vegas tomorrow or the next day.

As Donny and Marie said...G'night everybody!!

LOL!!!

Back From Canada

2008-07-15T00:17:00.002-04:00

Hi all!!

Scott & I are back from Canada. We had an amazing trip! I'll post some pictures when I get back from Vegas.

Yup, that's right. I'm heading to Vegas on Thursday and....get this!! In six days I will see my darling Donny!! I'm so frickin' excited!! Oh yes - did you notice I used the word frickin'? I've been in houses with small children and couldn't swear. Oh, don't worry. I'll get back to myself in no time and I'll be fuckin' everywhere! Oh shit! I don't mean fuckin' as in, well you know. I'm blushing!! I mean I'll be saying the word fuck. There, I got back in the fuck groove fast, eh?

ROFL!!!

I'll update more when I'm back from Vegas!

We're Coming to Canada!

2008-06-23T10:55:00.002-04:00

Well, the whole clan isn't coming to Canada, but Scott and I are. (is that a dangling participle, again? shoot! I'm bad with those, eh? It's not, though, is it?)

Andrew wants to go to Europe. He asked if I wanted to come. I said "yes....can we bring Scott?". Then I got to thinking that I just want to go home. Then, I was talking to my mom and my dad got on the line and just hearing his voice made me homesick and I started crying and wanted to come home. So, I asked Scott if he'd rather go to Europe or Canada for the two weeks and he said Canada so? Here we come!

It also means we're leaving poor Jeffrey here all alone! Oh well, we need someone to take care of the dog, right? ROFL!!! OMG, I am the meanest mother, ever!!

Ok, so update on all my stuff. I went to a different Physiotherapist. I've, actually, gone to her before for back pain. She's helping me with my back pain and giving me pointers on all my hip stuff so that's all good. I have another Mugga test (the heart test to make sure the Herceptin isn't damaging my heart) next week but I'll be in Canada so I'm going to have to try to get that in this week. Hip-wise, my pain is quite minimal. I do have so pain but it's not unmanageable and I'm not going to let it keep me down. Back-wise, I'm in quite a bit of pain. Thank goodness I'm going to Canada. I can pick up a bunch of Robaxicet (I think it's a muscle relaxant/pain reliever - whatever it is, it helps me and it's over-the-counter in Canada so I want some). That's all healthwise.

Kevin-wise? Scott and I took him to school on Wednesday. We got him moved into his room and got him some groceries. We thought he was getting a room with a kitchen but when we got there? No kitchen. Good thing we took the little dorm room fridge for him. He's pretty particular about what food goes into his body so he wanted a kitchen. I guess he'll have to rely on the cafeteria and try to work with that. It's, actually, a really nice cafeteria so he should be fine. Anyway, he was having some troubles with his computer and wanted more milk and juice and, well, the truth is, I wanted to see him before I go gallivanting around the world so Andrew and I went back on Sunday to visit him. Well, you know, on Wednesday? I didn't cry when I left him. I was fine. Sunday? Cried for about 15 minutes after we left him. This sending your kids to college thing is hard!

Oh, also, on Thursday I got my hair coloured. It's too "one tone" so I'm having highlights or lowlights added on Wednesday.

Oh! I never talked about our trip it Orlando, did I? Oh well, I'll just say it was nice. Great, really. But, I have no more time to chat. I have so much to do before we leave. And...when we get back I only have three days between Canada and Donny (I mean Vegas - Donny isn't actually until the Monday night) so I really have to get a move on and do all the things you have to do when you go away for a few weeks.

Have a great week, all! I'll update when I get back from Canada or Vegas. Whenever I have time.

TTFN
OMG!! Exactly 4 weeks til I see Donny!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Another Doctor Appointment

2008-06-11T16:56:00.005-04:00

Boy! Have we ever been busy!

First I'll go over the hip thang. I went to see a different orthopedic surgeon today. I just didn't like the first one I saw. He was very dismissive. I found out later that his 18 year old son died about three months ago in a diving accident. I'm sorry for him but I still need a doctor who will listen to me. And, boy, did I find one! I went to a really nice doctor. He was recommended by my surgeon. He let me talk about my concerns. Mostly it's this. I've already had cancer. I could have a recurrence. I know it's not likely but it wasn't likely that I'd have 3 c-sections or almost die from asthma or get breast cancer at age 45 so I'm not really banking on the whole "it's not likely" thing, you know? So...I really need to have a good quality of life. The last six weeks have not been quality. I've been sitting around watching tv, reading and playing on the computer. This is not how I live my life, normally. I want to go for walks and go to the mall and visit with my friends and go to the gym and travel.

I told this to this doctor and he totally agreed. What he said was:

1. I do not have to use the cane.

2. I can walk all I want. If I'm walking a long way, I should make sure I'm wearing good walking shoes. If it hurts, take a break or stop - just like any normal person. (Hear that? I can be a normal person!!)

3. I don't need to have a wheelchair unless I'm in so much pain that I can't walk. If that's the case I should have been to see him and the hip replacement surgery should have been set already.

4. Two hip replacements are inevitable but he doesn't know when. It depends on how much activity I do and how quickly the bones degenerate. Could be in a couple of years, could be in 20 years. There's no way of knowing. In the meantime, LIVE!! yeah!!

5. He would like me to exercise by way of swimming and yoga.

So, I'm going to join Ballys. They have a pool and yoga classes.

As far as what our family has been up to. Hilary came in for Kevin's graduation. Yes, my baby graduated. Here's a few pictures:

After graduation we went out for dinner at a very nice (read expensive) restaurant at the top of a Hyatt Hotel in Tampa. No pictures from that 'cause I don't know how to download from my new digital camera, yet.

Then on Friday, Andrew took the day off and we all went to the beach. Pictures!

You'll notice that Kevin's hair changed from grad day to Friday, eh? And...to my family. OMG!! HOW MUCH DOES HE LOOK LIKE STEVE??? HOLY CRAP!!! He says that's a good thing 'cause Steve's a "pimp". I think my boys are impressed by Steve's ability to date girls 20 years his junior. ROFL!!

Then...on Saturday night Andrew, Hilary and I went to The Parrothead Party. It was really fun. We met my friend, Whitney and her daughter there. It's a party held in downtown Palm Harbor every year. It's free to get in (most of our festivals here are free) and they close off the street and there are bands (a lot of Jimmy Buffet songs) and food and drink (lots of drink!) and crafts.

So, as you can see, we were very busy. I managed to get in a dose of Herceptin on Friday. I also found out that my oncologist is leaving the practice and I'm being switched to a different doctor. Now, I've been getting my Herceptin every three weeks. That's what my doctor ordered. This new doctor doesn't believe in giving Herceptin every three weeks and likes his patients to go every week. Hmmmm. Makes me wonder. Have I been getting "lesser than" care? or is this guy overly cautious. I certainly don't want to be unnecessarily going in to the doctor's office every single week if every three weeks will do, you know? I have things to do!! We'll see, I guess.

We're off to Orlando for the weekend. Andrew's going on business so we're going with him. One day we will relax by the pool the other day we need to go look for an apartment for Scott and Kevin for the fall. Kevin actually starts his summer session on Wednesday (a week today!!) and will stay in the dorms for that but the boys have decided to share an apartment in the fall so we need to find one.

That's all for now. I'll try and update everyone once every week or so. I start with a new physio person next week so I'll let y'all know how that goes. I don't feel the need to update as often since most of my treatments are done. The purpose of the blog was to update everyone on how my cancer battle was going and I feel that it's coming to a slow end so I'll slow down my writing, too.

Have a great weekend, everyone!

TTFN

only 40 more days till I see Donny!! (and until Karen's birthday)

Shopping

2008-06-01T22:25:00.005-04:00

Before I go into my shopping stories I thought I'd do an update on my health. My outer hip pain has mostly subsided. That would be the tendonitis that the doctor gave me the cortizone shot for. But, unfortunately, it seems to have migrated into my back. So, my physiotherapist is trying to help me with that. I'm probably going to go have some cranial therapy done. It sounds weird but it's worked for me in the past. The girl does a lot of different things but it's all about opening up the chakras in the body to let the energy flow freely. I tend to hold all my stress in my back so this should help.

On to the shopping stories. Well, I'm not much of a shopper, really. I get bored pretty quickly but in the past few weeks I've had some fun.

I had to take Scott to go get some passport pictures done. He's such a goof! He got the pictures done and we had to wait for a couple of minutes for them to process and this is what he chose to do with his time:

Then, while Andrew's been away I've had to do all the grocery shopping. Well, I'm not supposed to walk for more than 5 minutes a day so how am I supposed to do that? You guessed it! I've been using those cool electric scooters at the stores! OMG!! Now this is a good thing about being disabled. This is really fun! Well, when I'm not running into people and displays, anyway. Yes, I really did do both those things. Well? They're hard to steer!! ROFL!!

On to the next story. One of the reasons I'm not much of a shopper is that I'm cheap. Yup, I said it. But, I found this carry on bag for travelling that I really, really wanted. This was way back before Christmas. Problem was? It was $200. Now, I could probably talk myself into it and even make it seem reasonable to spend this kind of money but? As I said...I'm cheap. So. I waited and waited till it went on sale. Well, it did. It went down to $125. Still too much for me. So I waited some more. This past week? It went all the way down to $79.99. Well, now. That's more like it. The reason I liked it so much? Well look for yourself!!

Do you see how it has SC all over it? I know, I know, it's really for the designer but it's also my initials!! Anyway, I made Jeff go to JC Penney with me. Oh, I forgot to mention I am now the proud owner of a wheel chair so as long as I can get someone to go with me? I can go anywhere!!! Anyway, I made Jeff take me to the store so I could see it in person and decide whether I wanted red or brown. I decided on red and took it up to buy it and.......it was on sale for $63.00!!!! Can you believe that? I was so excited!!

Then, Scott and Kevin needed some new shorts. I again went to JC Penney (in my wheelchair!). It's one of the only places that Scott can get shorts long enough (he's 6'5"). We found a bunch of shorts and went into the change rooms and this is how they came out to show me the shorts:

I just about peed myself laughing! Do you see how well Kevin fills out that yellow shirt? He has bigger boobs than many women I know!! ROFL!! Can you imagine that these two goofs are going to live together next year at college? Oy!!

Oh, and it occurred to me that I shouldn't have my last name up here to I'm taking down the picture of Kevin's tattoo. If you want to see it, e-mail me and I'll send you some recent pics.

Time for me to go to bed. I'm not tired but Andrew's home from Europe and I just want to go snuggle in and listen to him breathe. I'm so happy he's home!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

TTFN!

Update on Everything

2008-05-19T13:12:00.004-04:00

Boy, I have so much to update everyone on (I know Kim and mom - that's a dangling participle).

First off, my hip. It's doing quite a bit better. I started physio last Monday and went Monday, Wednesday, Friday and then again this morning (Monday). It's going quite well. At first, they worked me too hard so I expressed my concern (at the urging of my momma and daddy) and they moved back to a more manageable rate. The difference between last Monday and today is remarkable. I walked out with no pain today. Yeah!!

Relay for Life was great. So many things to talk about. First, my speech. I thought it went very well. It was a bit too long because I could tell that the audience was getting restless (it was about 7 minutes, I think) but, the fellow survivors really enjoyed it so I think it was ok. I spoke about my experience with cancer and how having a good attitude and sense of humour about what's happening is key to getting through it. I gave examples like cancergirl, my sister coming for a visit, getting presents and cards and having a nice shaped head.

For those of you who don't know what Relay for Life is, it's a fundraiser for the Cancer Society. I have been doing it for about 10 years on and off. I started off in Connecticut with my Junior Women's Club and then continued a few times down here in Florida. There is always a track. Then teams join. The teams have spots around the track where they can set up tents and tables and sell "stuff" or have games for fundraising. It always starts on a Friday at around 6 pm and goes through the night to around 10 am. They keep it fun and there's always lots of contests (for example one was guys dressing up as girls to see who's prettiest and they're judged, another was hula hoop, another was bingo. Then there's laps where everyone wears cowboy stuff, togas, etc...). It's really fun.

They also have a luminary ceremony. People put the names of their loved ones who have passed or survived cancer and there's a nice ceremony and then a silent walk in tribute to these people. It's very moving and beautiful. I thought a lot about my grandmother who was taken way too early in life. She died when I was in grade 8. I loved her so much. She was so special and patient. She would play the piano for hours for Judy and I (Yellow Bird over and over - remember, Jude?) and always made our favourite foods and chatted with us. She died of breast cancer. She was one of the first women in her town to actually say that they have breast cancer. It wasn't something most people talked about and I'm so proud to be her granddaughter. Anyway, here's pictures of the luminaries and the track with the luminaries lined up along it:

Well, at our tent we had jail n bail. It was a blast. A blasty blast! One way of getting into jail is for us to arrest you. We just walk up to you and arrest you and take you off to "jail" (a dinner tent). You have to raise $3 to get out of jail. You can pay it yourself or beg other people to bail you out. Another way is that someone can pay us $1 and we will arrest someone else. They show us who to arrest and we go get 'em. Then they have to raise $3 to get out. There's another thing where they can buy a sticker for $10 to stay out of jail for the whole night. Anyway, this was so fun and we made a ton of money. I think we made about $500 off this thing. We also sold bubbles and rice crispie treats and Krispy Kreme donuts. In the end our team made $600 for Cancer. Jeff, Scott, and Kevin were key in this because they were out there arresting people and making lots of money. I think they had a good time, too. Thank you for helping, boys! And for wheeling me around all over the place - I love you more than words can say!

It was interesting having been a speaker at the beginning of the evening. Many, many people came up to me and told me how good my speech was and wanted to know more about me and my family and wanted to talk about their experience with cancer. I liked it but it was also sad because a lot of people have lost their loved ones to this shitty disease.

Let's see, what else.....Oh!! I totally missed my dad's birthday. I am soooo sorry dad!! You know I love you and I don't think I've ever missed your birthday before. I really am so sorry. My excuse is that I had a very busy day and don't really know what the date is on anyday but, really, there is no good enough excuse so I just apologize!!

Oh, speaking of that day, I went to see my radiation oncologist. My skin is doing well. I'm now peeling. My poor boobie!! He spoke to me of the various tests I need to do. We scheduled an MRI for September and then a mammogram for a week later. The MRI is important because my particular cancer didn't show up on the mammogram. Scary, eh?

Oh, and I'm having a dilemma. I don't know if I mentioned this but when I went to the orthopedic surgeon? I hated him. He was very dismissive and maybe even a little condescending. It really bugged me and I don't want to go back to him. So, I'm looking for a new one. So, when I asked my family physician for a referral he gave me the name of Dr. Kilgore. Then, when I talked to my physiotherapist she gave me that same name. But, when I talked to my chemo nurses (I went for Herceptin on Friday) she gave me the name of a different doctor and when I called my surgeon he game me the name of another different doctor. So, I'm confused and don't know who to go to. I have an appointment with Kilgore in early June. The only problem with him is that he's down in Clearwater. It's about 1/2 hour away. The other two doctor's are right around the corner (I'm talking 5 minutes away) and would do the hip replacements at the hospital in the same location. I really don't know what I'm going to do. I'll probably go to the one that my surgeon recommended because I trust this man (obviously) with my life. I'll let you know when I figure it out.

Let's see, what else. Oh! Andrew's gone to Europe for a couple of weeks. Scott and I were going to go with him but with this hip thing coming up we decided not to but.....if Scott's passport comes in in the next couple of days I think we will go. I really, really want to go to Stockholm. There's an office there and the girls who work in this office are really nice and really fun. One of them, Nora, is running in a marathon on Saturday and I really would like to be there to cheer her on. Anyway, it'll all depend on whether Scott's passport comes in 'cause I can't go alone. I probably need to take my wheelchair and I need someone to wheel me around.

OK, I think that's all. Oh, I want to thank Whitney for coming to see me speak and I want to thank Christy for, well, being Christy. I love you!

TTFN

Excitement!

2008-05-13T11:01:00.003-04:00

Wow! Did we have a good weekend!

First off, all my kids are home for the summer. Yeah!! I love when my kids are all home. I'm just crazy about them. They make me smile and laugh. They must have gotten some good genes somewhere (me!).

On Saturday, we all went kayaking. Chanel (Jeff's girlfriend) came with us and so did Christy and her husband, David. That kayaking's a lot of work, man. My arms still hurt today from it. Anyway, it was worth it. We kayaked from Honeymoon Island over to Caladisi. Caladisi is the #1 Natural Beach in America. It is so beautiful over there. Untouched. We wandered along the beach (me with cane and going slowly and not very far) and then just hung out in the water. The water must be about 84 degrees right now 'cause I didn't have a hard time getting in. We played in the water and then Christy and David had to go. The rest of us took off in the kayaks. We were in one of the inlets and we saw two manatees! I did not expect that! Then, we saw three dolphins! It was really amazing! Great day!

Then, that night, Jeff, Chanel, Andrew & I went and played some pool. We chose songs on the jukebox and had lottsa fun. I don't think I'm improving but, still, it's fun.

Sunday was Mother's Day and I got a lovely necklace from my boys and a "spa day" from Andrew. The present from the boys was more exciting than I can even say because, well, let's just say that I've been disappointed in previous years.

Then on Monday night I went to a meeting for the Relay For Life that's coming up on Friday. I was asked to be a speaker in the opening ceremonies!! Cool, eh? I'm going to try to do something light and funny yet moving all at the same time. We'll see if I can pull that off. Speaking of Relay For Life....peeps? I really need some donations. I'm not asking for a lot. Just $10 each. Please? I'm begging, here. You Canadians can donate, too. Here's the link to donate. I would really appreciate it!

http://main.acsevents.org/site/TR/RelayForLife/RelayForLifeFloridaDivision/993905809?pg=team&fr_id=9693&team_id=173135

Also, anyone in the Tampa area - the Relay is at Tampa Bay Downs and I speak sometime between 6 & 6:30. I would love some support so if y'all can come out and see me I'd love it.

On the hip topic, I'm going to physio three times a week for the next four weeks. The Physiotherapist is confident that I should be pain-free quite quickly. Now that's some good news. I'm still confused on the whole thing. The doctor said not to walk (like, go for walks, go to the mall and wander etc..) but the physiotherapist said he's overstating it and I can do these things but with a cane. I'm very confused. I think I'm going to go for a second opinion. I didn't like that doctor and felt that he was very dismissive. The good thing with him is that he's near my home and does surgeries at the hospital that's close to me. The other good doctors are all 1/2 hour away and don't work out of the hospital close to me. Oh well, I need someone who will hear me. I don't need them to be my best friend, or even nice. I just need them to listen to me and explain things to me. So...second opinion here I come.

I have to go write my speech. Wish me luck!

TTFN!

Fuck a Duck!

2008-05-08T14:37:00.002-04:00

Well, fuck a duck. I went to see the orthopedic surgeon today. This sucks.

First off, yes, I do have avascular necrosis. In both hips. It is at the very beginning of it's progress. There is nothing that can be done about it. When my hips "collapse" then they will do a couple of hip replacements. He said this like it's nothing. Dumbass Doctor.

But, that is not the cause of my pain. When, I repeat, when, the avascular necrosis starts to hurt I will feel it in that crease between your leg and the torso. The cause of the pain I currently have is something called tendinitis. I am not looking this up on the internet. I don't even want to know. I'm just sick to death of this whole thing and it would appear that I'm just at the beginning. Ugh! So, he gave me a Cortisone shot in the right hip and told me to not walk but if I have to walk I have to use a cane. No more taking the dog for a walk, wandering around Target, the mall, the beach. No walking unless necessary. This will go on for up to one year. But, even at that point he said that any walking will make the avascular necrosis progress faster so I really shouldn't walk at all until I have to get the hip replacements. He suggested swimming. Really. I am not kidding. That was his suggestion. I think I'll ask the grocery store to put in a lap lane.

I was planning on going to Europe with Andrew and Scott at the end of this month. But, how am I going to wander around Europe if I can't walk? Hmmmm? This truly fucking sucks and I'm not a happy camper right now. Oh!! There's more. I have to lose the 30 lbs that I took off last year at this time then put back on throughout my Cancer treatments. He suggested Nutri System. I suggest he go f&&.....oh, no, I did not say that!! I thought it!! ROFL!!!

Anyway, I'm bummed. This sucks. But? At least I'm starting to grow hair! LOL!

Ok, so let's start a list of good things about this, 'cause I really need to see the up side to it.

Here goes:

- I get to lie around and watch tv and eat carrot sticks or celery sticks (no bonbon's for me! I have 30 lbs to lose)
- I can play on the computer as much as I want 'cause I can't walk
- I can read to my heart's content
- I can buy some really cool canes
- I can scrapbook! I forget how but I'm sure I'll remember again, soon
- OMG!! When I go see Donny Osmond I'll have a cane (I better have a really good one!) and maybe he'll see me and it and come over and I'll get my albums signed (yes, I am taking all my albums with me)
- When I'm sitting on the couch watching tv I can ask someone to get me a pop 'cause I'm not supposed to walk

Hmmm....this is sounding not too bad - well except the part that I can't go to Europe and will have to take a wheel chair to Vegas - but even there, on the Vegas thing? I don't have to wear "sensible shoes" because I won't be walking so I can wear some cool stiletto's. I should go buy some if I'm gonna do that, I suppose. CFM heels! OHHH yah!!!!! (If you don't know what CFM is, I am totally not gonna tell you!)

OK, peeps, add to my list, please. I need to see the light! (not the dieing light - the light for the not being able to walk)

ttfn, peeps!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, JEFFREY!!

2008-05-05T09:51:00.007-04:00

HAPPY 21st BIRTHDAY, JEFFREY!!

Letter to my Jeffrey,

I cannot tell you how honoured I am to be your mother. Words just can't explain the fullness in my heart when I think of you.

We had a rough few months when you were first born. Being a youngest, myself, I had never really been around a lot of babies. And you, my dear, were quite a baby. First off, you were very hungry. Always. Then, you got colick. OMG! The colick. It was really awful, you poor baby. You would eat and then sleep for a bit and then you would wake up with a terrible tummy ache. I would place you on your tummy across my lap with one hand under your tummy and the other hand rubbing your back and that seemed to be the only way to soothe you. If you notice, a lot of the pictures of you for the first couple of months have you in this position. I really wondered if I had made a mistake in deciding to become a young mother. I thought, maybe it was my fault that you were so miserable. Then, like a miracle, it stopped and you became the cutest baby I had ever laid eyes on. We would lie in bed together and you would coo at me. OMG! It was so cute.

Then, when you started talking you were obsessed with buses. Obsessed, I tell you. You would stand at the door of our house and yell bus! bus! over and over until I would take you for a walk and you could see a bus. One day, CeeCee and I decided to take you on a bus. We were in the car, following a bus and you're freaking out, so happy to see one bus after another. So, I get out with you and we get on a bus. CeeCee followed us in the car. Well, you have to remember we were in Bramalea, better known as Bramladesh. We get on the bus and before I can even pay (you were about 4 years old) you start talking about the guy with the hat (it was a man with a turban) and why does he have that and look how fat that lady is and chattering on and on and it was so embarrassing and I was trying to answer the questions.

Me: The guy has a hat on because it's part of his religion.

You: What's religion?

Me: Hard to explain. Something you believe in.

You: That lady's fat.

Me: That's very rude, Let's move to the back of the bus

You (bouncing down the aisle): Maybe she's gonna have another baby like you, momma.

Me (not pregnant at the time but had had 3 kids in 33 months): Ya, maybe.

We got off the bus at the City Center and never did that again.

And smart? I, seriously, don't know another child who knew letters at age 18 months. There was a picture above our couch and it had a saying at the bottom of it. I would point to the letters and you knew what they were. At 18 months!! In fact, you were so cute that I just had to have another baby. So, you see, it's all your fault! LOL!!

I remember when you went to kindergarten and the teacher took me aside at the end of the first week and reprimanded me because I hadn't mentioned that you could read. I said "He can't read, he just has a good memory and, once you tell him a story he repeats it back." So she brought us into the classroom. Now remember, here I am with your two brothers in tow and two daycare kids in tow. So I have you, a 4 year old, a 3 year old and two 18 month olds in a double stroller and she wants me to see you read. All hell is breaking loose. Steffie is as good as gold in the stroller, Kevin's crying 'cause he wants out, Scott Michael is running around in circles and your brother Scott goes straight to the blocks and starts throwing them. And the teacher wants me to see you read. Ok, so I'm trying to concentrate on you and sure enough you can read! I felt like such a dumbass. But a proud dumbass.

I remember your first hockey practice and the coach had to come get you because you couldn't skate to where they were. The first of so much time in a hockey rink. And, I enjoyed every moment of it.

Anyway, here's some pictures you might enjoy seeing. I can't post "the good ones" 'cause I sent them up to Aunt Karen when she did the 25th anniversary video for us but here's some that I like:

I don't know why the above photos came out so small. I tried to get them bigger but don't know how. Jeff! Come home and help me!! LOL!!

Jeff in the middle with his best friend, Jason and his girlfriend, Chanel.

Jeff and Jason at a party. What kind of party was it Jeff? I forget but they got dressed up in some funny clothes. Now, I just want to note that Jeff is 6'2" tall. Look at Jason. That's one big boy! And nice? Very. Jeff has good taste in friends.

Jeff and Jason being "White and Nerdy". I will just note that Donny Osmond was in the Weird Al video. Sorry! Just had to say it!

So, there's my "ode to Jeffrey". I love you, Jeff and am very, very proud to be your mom!

A Whole Week Since I Posted

2008-05-05T09:36:00.002-04:00

Wow, I can't believe it's been a whole week since I last posted. I was in quite a funk and really didn't have anything to say. Here's the reasons for the funk:

1) I don't have a car. We bought two new cars before Christmas. I was sooo happy! Then, while we were in Vegas one car got in an accident and totalled. It happened to be Andrew's car that was totalled. So, now, Andrew's driving my car, Jeff has a car at school and the red Labaron convertible is home. So, you say, I do have a car - the Labaron, right? Well, sorta. Scott played golf with my parents most days last week and.....the damn car doesn't have air conditioning. That's ok in the morning but, man, a car without air in Florida? not good, people. not good. And, although we could afford another car payment the car that got totalled was actually in my name and was my loan. Well, now I don't have a job so who will want to lend me money? Ugh!

2) I'm sad that my parents are going back north. I am more than sad. I am devasted over their leaving. According to the Canadian Government they have to be in Canada for 6 months plus a day to keep their health insurance. Stupid rules.

3) My hip fucking hurts.

That's it. Those are my "things"

On a good note, I got to spend all day Wednesday with Christy. We went to a Rotary Lunch and then shopping! Successful shopping! Yah!! Then on Thursday I spent all day with my momma! I love that woman so much! Then on Friday Andrew, my dad and mom and I went to a pub crawl. It was so fun! Christy had set it up so she was there and then some friends of ours, Jill and Jim Boardman were also there. Their son, Jack, used to play hockey with Kevin and they're Christy's neighbours. Small world. Anyway, it was really fun and I got to drink Czech beer. Yum! Then on Sunday, my mum came over for the day and helped me clean my desk off and we went to Target. Now that was fun! You shoulda seen us. We got a lot of "stuff". Yay! And then mom and dad stayed for dinner and then we went to my beloved Dairy Queen.

So, as you can so I've had some ups and downs. Weird. Normal, really. I go to the orthopedic surgeon on Thursday so I'm looking forward to that. I just want to know what's going to be done about this. I think that's all for now. I'm going to do a separate post for my Jeffrey. He's 21 today!!

ttfn

It's Kim's Birthday!!!

2008-04-23T10:13:00.004-04:00

Happy Birthday to my favourite Chick!!!

ROFLMAO!!!

(Knowing you're 50, now, I wrote that in BIG letters so you could see the message. And....Knowing you're 50 you might not be hip and cool like me so 'cause I'm so much younger, I'll tell you that ROFLMAO means rolling on the floor laughing my ass off. What? You just told me to Fuck off. Well, that's not very nice!! You're a grandmother, now. Grandmothers don't swear - don't tell that to mom, though!! LOL!!)

A Birthday Letter:

Kim,

You have been the best sister I could possibly have asked for. You have been my best friend, confidante (sorry! I know you know some things you wished you didn't know!), someone to laugh hysterically with, cry with and love. We have been through so much together but I will make a little list so you can remember with me. Here comes memory lane......

- remember when you were in the top bunk and I was in the bottom bunk and I used to be so skinny I could get between the bed and the wall and in the middle of the night I'd scare you? Oh!! remember when I was in the top bunk and you were in the bottom bunk and you were learning French and I wanted to know how to say all my friends names in French and we were going through their names and dad came in and told us to go to sleep and left and we kept going and he came back and told us to go to sleep and left and we kept going and he was furious and came in and tried to turn me over to spank me and I wouldn't let him and he just got madder and madder and finally mom came in and looked at what was happening and started laughing and then he saw that it was quite funny and started laughing and I never did get a spanking?

- remember when you taught me how to kiss a pillow so I'd be ready for a boy?

- remember that you, my dear, you were the one who took me to Chitty Chitty Bang Bang....on the bus!! OHHH!!! It was so exciting!!

- remember going to see the Queen and singing silly songs while we were waiting for her?

- Ewww remember sleeping over at the Reids and how Roxanne's eyes opened when she was asleep and it was so creepy?

- remember teaching me all your cheers for cheerleading?

- remember me tagging along on many of your dates? And going to the movies with you? and going to Dairy Queen? and Baseball Games? and anywhere else you might have been going?

- remember riding our bikes to Professor's Lake? Oh, and didn't a kid go missing so they made a line of people and you participated and the kid ended up being at the playground? Was that a dream or was that real? Crap! You shouldn't have done that! What if you'd found the kids dead body with your feet! Jeepers!

- Oh!! remember when you'd be standing at the front door waiting for the guy to kiss you goodnight and I wouldn't leave? And we'd stand there for, like, an hour and finally you'd get rid of me?

- remember when we were both pitchers and Karen was our catcher and Dad was our coach?

- ohhhh!! sad thing - remember when we were in the championship game and you had pitched all you could so it was my turn and I walked in their winning run?

- remember making up routines on the Croziers swings? Oh!! And swimming across the lake? That was all you. I freaked out and dad had to haul me into the canoe - but you did it! (And Karen, too - I don't remember if Steve did). And letting all the frogs go in the middle of the night and dad would have to use minnows for fishing? That was all Karen! Let's blame Karen!!

- remember when you'd go to the movies that were R rated and I was too young to go so you'd come home and tell me all about them. In detail.

- remember the year when it was right before Christmas and we were talking on the phone and even though you were coming home from University the next day we missed each other soooo much so you hopped in your car and came home just in time for the Osmond's Christmas special and we snuggled in under a blanket in the basement and watched it together?

- remember me coming to visit you in Hamilton?

- remember ice skating and roller skating?

- remember going to Ontario Place to see Dan Hill and getting "shit on"?

- remember going to Ontario Place to Dr. Hook?

- remember going to Toronto Island so I could meet that cute boy from Toronto? That kissing lesson really came in handy!! Thanks!

- remember going out to clubs and dancing all night? OMG!! Remember that night when my friend Karen and I got really drunk (I think we went to see The Kings at Stars that night) and we were in that restaurant saying, really loudly "I ain't neva delivered babies before!" and Andrew left and we got kicked out? OMG! And what about the time we went to Belleville and that weird guy from next door on Janlyn Cres. worked in the restaurant! What was his name? Ohhh! he was creepy!

- remember Lamaze classes? I'm pretty sure some of them thought we were the gay couple!! ROFL!!! We could be just without the sex. Oh!! Was that weird to say? sorry!!!

- remember Lindsey's birth? OMG that cone head!

- remember when I was on bedrest with Scott and I'd go outside and put my feet in cool water and have a fan and you'd bring me stuff?

- remember all the weekends we've visited. Times when we had all the kids together and it was crazy! Lindsey is, what? 4 years older than Jeff, then Scott came 15 months later, then Thomas 9 months later, then Kevin came 9 months after that! We had a lot of kids! It was so fun! We'd play with the kids and we ate and drank and talked for hours and hours and hours and hours and hours and then shopped for hours and hours and hours and hours and then talked some more? More of that to come, I'm sure!!

Wow! I could go on and on. Really! I guess what I'm saying is that I love you and I'm glad you're my sister and I wouldn't trade you and the memories we've built for anything!!!

Have a great birthday!

Love, Sandy

1 year 3 months till Karen turns 50

2 years 6 months till Steve turns 50

4 years 8 months till I turn 50

2 months 28 days till I see Donny!

MRI Results are In!!

2008-04-21T21:34:00.002-04:00

I went for an MRI on Thursday. It was a follow-up to the bone scan for my painful hip. The MRI does not show any cancer! Yeah!!! That's a big relief and the doctor said it's perfectly normal to think everything is cancer for the first couple of years. What I do have is decreased blood flow in my hips. I got the results from my radiation oncologist. He just had the results and doesn't know whether this is a result of the chemo so when I go for Herceptin on Friday I'll have to ask my other oncologist.

Then on Friday I had another MUGA test. It's that heart test that I have to have every couple of months to make sure my heart isn't being affected by the Herceptin. The results are that my heart is actually doing better. I think my last on was about 65% and I'm now at 69%. How's that for a great number, eh? LOL!! It's probably from all the walking I've been doing.

Anyway, I'm thrilled with both these results!!

We had a great weekend. We went down to St. Pete on Saturday for a craft festival and then on Sunday we went to Honeymoon Island (one of the top 10 beaches in America) to another festival. I signed up to be a volunteer with the Sea Turtles. It is my understanding that the volunteers go out and mark the turtle nests and monitor them and watch the babies go out to sea. Should be great!

Oh! On Friday night we went out for dinner at The Outback. There was this woman who just couldn't take her eyes off me. I thought I was over people staring at me but this was too much. I was sitting facing her but I had Scotty trade places with me so I couldn't see her anymore. Kevin wanted to go confront her but I wouldn't let him. People like that just aren't worth it and, besides, she was old. I guess you never know why they're staring but, still. It's rude.
After dinner we went and played pool and us "oldies" beat the "youngies". yippee!!

I think that's all. Have a great week everyone! Only 4 more radiations to go!!

TTFN!
ps - my sister, Kim's, birthday is on Wednesday!! Woohoo!!!

Seven more to Go!

2008-04-16T14:25:00.002-04:00

Only seven more radiations to go. That makes me so happy. Although, I had a major meltdown on the Radiation table today. Sometimes it just hits me that I have cancer and am going through this shit. I just couldn't stop crying. I went into the change room afterwards and thought I had my act together. I came out and my doctor was standing at the front desk as I was walking out. He waved me over just to say hi and I just ended up crying and slobbering all over the place. I just love this man. He pulled me in and gave me a huge hug. Just held me. Another angel, I swear. And...he was sent to me by another angel, Kit, my oncology nurse. Amazing.

Some exciting news came to me yesterday. My friend, Christy, is walking in the Relay for Life. Her mom had breast cancer a few years ago and is now cancer-free (Yeah!! Mrs. Young!!!). Anyway, she e-mailed me and told me that she's walking in honour of her mom and me. Just typing that gives me goose bumps. Anyway, I've joined her team and I will be walking in honour of my grandmother, Vera Irvine. If you would like to donate please go to the following link. My goal is to raise $250.00 so if 25 of you donate $10.00 I will meet that goal. Thank you in advance!

http://main.acsevents.org/site/TR/RelayForLife/RelayForLifeFloridaDivision?pg=personal&fr_id=9693&fr_id=9693&px=6128983

You Canadians can donate 'cause they take mastercard/visa/american express - all those. Anyway, I'll be out there walking on her team on May 16 along with Kevin and, hopefully, Jeff and Scott. I'm going to ask them this weekend when they're home but now they'll read it here so - Hey! Jeff & Scott - will you walk with us? It's Friday May 16 at 6:00 pm until Saturday May 17 at 10 am - oh! I know how to get you there. It's at the track and they're having special poker tables. Besides, Christy's walking in honour of me and her mom and I'd like you to be there.

Two funny stories and then I'm done:

A few posts ago I was talking about my itchy nipple. Laurie, a girl I met at radiation, sent me an e-mail about the whole itchy nipple thing. You see, she had a mastectomy. This is the note she sent. I laughed so hard I cried (in a good way, this time) when I read it:

"I am sorry you are having problems with those rads...they can suck! So to answer your question about your "itchy nipple"....at least you have one ROTFLMAO....and honey when it itches...scratch it ! You are intitled to that nipple ! LOL "

ahhh....Cancer humour!! And for those of you who don't know ROTFLMAO stands for Rolling on the floor laughing my ass off.

Another story I heard at radiation today. A young girl had had a double mastectomy (this is a true story). She was on the table getting "mapped" (that's when they figure out how to do the radiation) and it was taking a long time. She said "Hey doc, can you hurry up with this? It's cold in here and my nipples are getting hard."

Too funny!

Have a great day, all!
TTFN!

A Pageant, A Tiara & Donny and Marie!!!

2008-04-13T14:36:00.006-04:00

OK!!! I was in heaven yesterday! The Miss USA pageant was on Friday night. I taped it and watched it yesterday afternoon. I was in heaven.

First?

Guess who hosted!!!!???? That's right! My Donny and Marie. And...they were pretty funny, too. They didn't sing, which was a bit of a disappointment. But...they really were funny and Marie looked fricking fabulous! I may just take up Ballroom Dancing just to get a body like that! Not!!!

Then....as most of you probably don't know, I am a very serious pageant watcher. I watch very closely and pick my favourites right at the beginning. Well. I am so good, if I do say so myself. I picked the winner AND the third place winner as my favs! Am I good or what?

<--------------------

And this, my friends, is what the winner gets to wear for an entire year!!! Oh my goodness! Just thinking about it gets my heart going. A tiara and a sash that says she is Miss USA. What's better than that?

Anyway, I just thought I'd share my passion with y'all. I know, I know, some of you think I'm nuts, crazy, weird. Whatever! It was just an amazing tv moment to have a pageant, a tiara and Donny and Marie all on tv at the same time! Heaven, I tell you! Heaven.

See? Now I never have to die 'cause I've already been to heaven!! ROFL!!!

Migraines....ugh!

2008-04-10T14:03:00.002-04:00

I hate migraines. I got one on Tuesday morning. It was a really bad one that lasted until Wednesday night. It's now Thursday afternoon and it's downgraded to a headache. Really pissed me off to get it because I was supposed to go to a "young women's cancer support group" on Tuesday night. I was looking forward to it. But, even leaving my dark bedroom is out of the question when I have a migraine so I only left the house to go to radiation. I wore my hat and sunglasses. I looked pretty funny, really. Then, during radiation, I had them put a towel over my eyes 'cause between the loud whine of the machine and the lights I woulda just cried. The first day, she put the towel over my whole face. This was ok until.....I had a hot flash!! So there I am under this towel, not allowed to move having a huge hot flash and my head was killing me. Ugh! Whatever - only 11 more to go.

I'm not sure if I'll fit in with this support group but we'll see. It's for women under 50. I'm in that category but, since I had the kids so young, I'm usually at a different point in life than people my own age. I don't have the worry of not seeing my kids graduate from high school - well unless a truck runs me over before June 4th, anyway! LOL!! My thoughts are more like this:

1) Now that the kids are all going off to college, Andrew and I are free. Free for so many things! Free to eat what we want and not worry about one kid not liking this and the other kid not liking that. Also, if we go out to dinner it's just two people. Much cheaper than a family of five! Free to do "other" things, too. Things I won't mention 'cause their unmentionable but with no kids in the house they could be really fun. teehee (sorry Jeff, Scott and Kevin!!) I don't want to miss that.

2) Jeff has a girlfriend and the others are sure to get one or two soon. That means, at some point engagements will happen and then marriage and then granddaughters - oh! I mean grandchildren (really, I'll love the boys as much as the girls but it'll be way more fun to dress the girls!). I don't want to miss that.

3) Travel. Oh!! I have sooo many places I want to go. There's Greece and Hawaii and Italy and Paris time and time again and Slovakia and Scotland and Costa Rica....well, obviously, I could go on and on. I'm also thinking that, when Andrew goes to Europe, I can travel with him some of the time. Not in the winter (I don't breathe well in the cold) but in the spring and fall I could go with him and visit all the wonderful people he works with over there. They are really nice people (I'm not just saying that 'cause they read my blog, either!). Fun!! I don't want to miss that.

4) Visiting. I won't have kids at home so, when Andrew goes to Europe, if I don't want to go with him I could just go north and visit my friends and family. I could wander around by myself during the day or read a book/magazine or watch tv and then spend evenings with them. I would so love that! Flights to Elmira are getting cheaper by the month (Ohh!! Randy would just love that, eh, Kim? Waahaahaahaahaa!!) and for the Toronto folks, I could fly into Buffalo. Then someone would just have to come pick me up (shopping in Buffalo!! YAH!!!). I don't want to miss that.

5) I still want to become a boater. We live in Florida so I want to try it. I also want to try jet skiiing. I don't want to miss that.

6) I want to write a book, volunteer with the manatees and sea turtles, so many things!! I don't want to miss a thing! (Cue Aerosmith!)

So, you see? I have a lot to live for! A lot I don't want to miss.

That's all for today. I meant to finally write a small post but I needed to remind myself of all the excitement coming up. It gets a little lonely on that radiation table, sometimes, so I just needed a little boost.

Thanks for listening!
TTFN!
3 months & 10 days till Donny!!
13 days till "someone" turns 50!!

Our Weekend

2008-04-07T12:06:00.002-04:00

First off - I have to say to my Aunt Ardyth. No. Not you, you silly lady!! And...I am very, very impressed that you made a comment!! And...I realize how hard this must be on both you and my dad. It must be very scary knowing that your mom died of breast cancer and then for me to have it must be very scary for both of you. Don't worry! I'm fighting it. It picked the wrong girl to mess with! LOL!!

Ok now for our weekend. We had a fantastic weekend!!

On Saturday, Jeff and Chanel and I went shopping for a dress for Chanel. It was really fun. It's like dressing a model. The funny thing is...I consider myself a "normal" woman. I always try on a size and end up getting a bigger size. I like to think I'm a size smaller than I am, I guess. OK, so we're shopping and Chanel says she's a size 5/6. Now, I must tell you I never thought she was a size 5. How could someone so tiny think that she's a size 5?!! So, she tries on the first dress and it's just swimming on her. Second dress? Well, it wasn't her (I made her try it on!) and again it was swimming on her. I go back to look for something in her size - so now I'm looking for a size 3/4. There aren't any. Not a single dress in this size!! So, we move on to other stores. Guess what? It's really hard to find very small sizes. I didn't know this....obviously. Anyway, we found two that were very nice but expensive so she's going to have her mom ship a dress she wore to high school prom down here (she's from Massachusetts).

Anyway, all day I had been getting text messages from Andrew. His flight was delayed but he'd been upgraded to business class. Another one says they're just sitting in the plane - they sat for 2 hours!! Good thing he was sitting in business class - boy did they take care of him! His text mentioned something about having another champagne and orange juice. Nice!! Anyway, if this flight is late, guess what? He's missing his connector in Atlanta. So, when he got to Atlanta he called me, I got on the internet and told him what flights he might be able to catch and he got to Tampa by 7:40. Only 2 & 1/2 hours late. Not bad, really.

So, after Scott & I picked him up we all went to Olive Garden. Again, I took off my hat. We had a wonderful time. Then, I wasn't finished having fun so I suggested we go shoot pool. Kevin didn't want to come with us so we dropped him at home. I had been sitting in the back seat and had taken off my hat and put it in my lap. I wanted to switch to the front seat so I got out and dropped my hat on the front lawn. I picked it up and off we went. Scott was driving and we started off down the street. Luckily? I hadn't put on the hat 'cause as we started driving down the street we realized there was a horrible smell in the car. "What the hell is that smell?" Turns out? I had dropped my hat in dog poop. Ewwww!!!!! So back home we go. I wash my hands and freak out a little. "OMG! OMG!! I have dog poop on my hands!!". But, I was hell bent on going to play pool so I washed up and grabbed another hat and off we went. We had so much fun and....I ended up taking my hat off for the whole time. I kept having hot flashes (drinking makes them come more often...stop drinking you say? Hell no!! I say. ROFL!!) and the hat just made it worse. I don't think anyone stared. I didn't see it if they did, anyway.

Sunday was quiet. We finished off the boys laundry and took Scotty back to school at around 4:30 (Jeff & Chanel were still in their PJ's when we left - that's how laid back our day had been up till this point!!). It rained - no poured - the entire way there and back. Sucked.

Anyway, with all this eating out I gained five pounds this weekend and I had weird dreams last night so my face is all puffy from crying in my sleep. Must eat better today. Lots of fruits and veggies.

It's 12:30 in the afternoon so I must go get dressed and get to radiation. And so....another week of radiation starts. My poor booby is getting burned and....this is just a question .....Ladies ....What do you do when you nipple gets itchy in public? Really!! I've got three more weeks of this and it's only going to get worse. I'm putting 100% aloe on the burn and then I follow it up with some after-sun stuff that has aloe and lidocaine in it. That works for a while but then the itching comes back. Any suggestions?

I will end this by saying....Karen, I need some more pool lessons. I sucked!! ROFL!!

TTFN!!

Bone Scan

2008-04-04T15:26:00.006-04:00

I had my bone scan yesterday (Thursday). It was another really easy test (why wasn't high school this easy?). I went in at 8am. They injected some radioactive "stuff" into my veins and I went home until 11am. They then ran a scan which took about 20 minutes. The guy asked me if I'd broken my ribs before. No. Had I dislocated my ribs? No. I asked him if he found anything in my hips. No. I asked him why he's asking me about my ribs. He said he found "a couple of spots" and had to retake them.

Well, you can imagine that I was on pins and needles. Turns out? It's nothing. My bone scan was "completely normal". Phew!!!

Today I went in for my Herceptin. Scotty and my parents came with me. It was fun. I know that sounds weird but it was. There was another lady who looked to be about 50 and she was obviously from up north somewhere, too, 'cause when we started to talk about hockey she was right in there with us. Ohhhhh!!!! Speaking of hockey? Look what someone sent me today....

Oh Yah! Funny, Funny. Ha Ha. Boy! It's hard being a Leafs fan, isn't it?

I think that's all for now. Scott's home already. Jeff & Chanel are coming home tonight. Chanel needs a dress for a formal so we're going shopping tomorrow. Did you hear me? I'm going dress shopping!! WooHoo!!! I've been waiting for this all my life and she's such a sweetie and tiny? She's like size 0. I'll post some pictures from Orlando when I get a chance. I actually find myself staring at her she's so tiny - I can tell you this - we do not grow them like that in our family. We're a bunch of Amazons (well except little Karen. teehee. All 5'4" of her!! ROFL!!) with big feet and long arms. Anyway, can you tell I'm excited?!!

Kevin's been busy working at the Humane Society this week. He's in love. Her name is Olive. She's a younger woman - a five month old Pit Bull to be exact. ROFL!!!

Andrew comes home tomorrow at 5pm. Yippee!! All in all, an exciting weekend!

Thank you to all who responded to my question "Who the heck's reading my blog". Some of you responded on the blog and others sent me lovely e-mails. I was just really curious. I started the blog so that people could know what's happening with me. How I'm feeling and what tests I'm going through. Andrew and I both have big familys and a lot of friends all around the world so a blog was the easiest way of keeping everyone informed. We also didn't want to convey the information one by one. You forget who you told what and, in the end, some people get all the information, some get a little and some get none. This way? Everyone gets the same information and the opportunity to comment.

You know, it's interesting what cancer does to some relationships. Some people have gotten much closer and have showed me so much love and support. I've met some new people who I never knew before. Then there are those who you thought would support you but have somehow pulled away. People from hockey and a couple of friends and a few relatives. It's interesting and I try really hard not to take it personally. Some people are simply too busy with their own lives and others are simply scared of cancer. I don't blame them. I am too. But...thanks to those of you who are supporting me!! It truly means the world to me and I appreciate it more than words can say!!

Have a great weekend, everyone!
TTFN!
3 months, 2 weeks and 3 days till I see Donny!!

A Song

2008-04-03T12:42:00.002-04:00

Here's a link to a song. It made me cry but it's really says it all.

http://www.livestrong.org/site/c.khLXK1PxHmF/b.2662157/k.BC61/Maybe_Tonight_Maybe_Tomorrow.htm

Pity Party....

2008-04-01T18:12:00.003-04:00

I've done so well thus far but today I got quite sad. Andrew's away for two weeks which does not help. I thought the timing would be ok but it's not. Going through radiation might be a little harder than I thought.

Today, I said to the nurse at radiation that it's almost harder than chemo. With chemo you go and feel like crap for 4 or 5 days but then you can almost forget about cancer until the next treatment. With radiation, you go every single day. Every day I am a cancer patient. She looked at me as though I had three heads and said radiation isn't nearly as bad as chemo. She totally missed the point.

Anyway, I'm just sad today. Sometimes it just hits me - I have Cancer. Did you hear me? I have Cancer!! Holy Shit!! Fuck!! Damn It!! GRRRRR!!!!!!

Also, I looked at my feet and suddenly noticed that I have "dark areas" on the sides of both feet (nope, it's not dirt - I tried to scrub it this morning in the shower), I'm sick of being bald "down there". I know, I know, some women pay a lot of money for a brazilian but it would be different if I chose it, you know? I'm also sick of not having eye brows or eye lashes. Used to be when I went out I always made sure I had blush and mascara. Now? blush and penciled in eye brows. Ugh. My leg hair's growing in, my mustache never did get the memo that it was supposed to go away, and I'm getting sick of wearing hats. I've gained 30 lbs. Hot flashes are killing me. My finger nails are doing that weird thing.

Ok, that feels better. On the upside, because of the weight gain my wrinkles have gone away and someone thought I was Kevin's (my 18 yo son's) girlfriend the other day and three other times people guessed my age at 25 - 27. I'm 45 so that's a good thing. Maybe I should stay bald, eh? LOL!!

Also, I've met Holly and Susan, my cousin Judy's friends. They have blogs so we check out and comment on each others blogs. I like it.

There, my pity party is done. Onward and Upward.

TTFN!

A Poem

2008-03-31T15:48:00.003-04:00

I did not write this poem. It came from a fellow survivor who goes by the name of CAC on the Y-Me message boards. I think it's really funny.

I also want to add that I'm missing Scott's comments. Scotty, why aren't you commenting anymore? I love your comments the very best so you need to start up again, k?

It's taking too long
To grow my hair
I'm really tired
of my head feeling bare.

I dream quite often
That my locks are long
Then I wake up and
realize I was wrong!

I'm growing impatient
waiting for hair
that I can comb
and grow down to there!

I'll curl it and spray it
and I'll color it, too
the use of my hair dryer
is way overdue.

My silly sad poem
is almost done...
Meanwhile, I'll keep dreaming
Of my locks, long gone.

But the day will come
when I arise
and to my joy,
I'll have hair in my eyes!

TTFN
3 months and 3 weeks till I see Donny!!

What the Doctor Said....

2008-03-30T10:51:00.006-04:00

I went to the doctor on Friday morning. My momma came with me. The doctor has ordered a bone scan which I will have on Thursday. She said that bone scans can show cancer and arthritis along with other things. If the scan doesn't show anything, they'll do an MRI because something is obviously happening in that bone. If the scan does show something they'll do an MRI to see what it is. So...I guess I'll be going for an MRI after the bone scan. LOL!!

Anyway, I just want to know what it is. My mom told me that we have a lot of arthritis in our family. I really don't think that's what this is because it's not in a joint and I thought arthritis happened in joints. I don't really know. Kim, you want to weigh in on this? Kim is my sister and she is a nurse practitioner and my resident "doctor". Whenever I'm confused on something I call her to clarify. She turns 50 in 3 weeks and 3 days so, as you can see, she's MUCH older than me. ROFL!!!! Don't worry, Kimby, you're still one of my favourite people in the whole wide world!! (although, after this I'm not sure she would say the same about me ROFL!!!)

I got really mad at Andrew on Thursday. I thought we had agreed that, when he goes away, he will only go away for 10 days at a time. You see, by day 7 I start missing him (and visa versa, I think) but by day 10? My heart just starts hurting I miss him so much. So when we were talking on Thursday he said he was going to a hockey game in Germany next Friday. I'm like "How can you do that? You're coming home on Wednesday." He informed me that he's not coming home until Saturday. GRRRRRR! I was so mad!! Then? On Friday morning I got home from the doctor and this was on my doorstep:

Well, I'm still upset but not mad anymore. How can I be mad at him?

I have to say that I just don't know what I'll do without my parents when they head back to Canada. They are so wonderful. A couple of weeks ago, my mom came to radiation with me. We went out for lunch first. It was so nice! I didn't even know I was in a "funk" until I spent time with her. Funny how sometimes our moms know what we need and we don't even know ourselves. So this week both my mom and dad came to radiation with me on Thursday. We went out for lunch first and then on to radiation. My dad came back to see the machine. The girls who operate the machine were so nice and explained lots of "stuff" to him. Then on Friday my mom came with me to the doctor's appointment and to radiation. Then on Saturday, Kevin & I went over to their place for dinner (the best roast I have ever, ever had - he BBQ'd it and it was to die for - well not literally, but, well, you know!) and Kevin helped my dad trim their orange tree. I just love these people so much! I really don't know how I would have gotten through all this without them. They went to every single chemo appointment with me and called every day just to touch base. I love you mom & dad!!

Hey! What's up with no one sending me cards anymore? People!! I need cards! Send them!! Also, I would like to know who the heck's reading my blog. I know that my kids and Andrew read it. My sisters Kim & Karen. Judy and Holly and Susan and a new girl Laurie. Afrodite, Nessa, Shelley and Stephanie, Hilary and Christy. Who else is reading it? Just go into the comment section and say a little hi. You don't have to sign up, you can just do an "anonymous" post but make sure you add your name to the end so I know who it's from. I'd really love to know.

I think that's all for now. I'm going to have a quiet day. I have a few books that I want to read (thanks to Holly for putting suggestions on her blog) so I think I'll spend the day on the lanai reading. Kevin's gone to do his volunteer work. We have a program here in Florida. It was originated to keep the "smart kids" in Florida for College. If they get a certain grade point average and SAT score they get 75% of their tuition paid for. If they get a higher grade point average, a higher SAT score and do 75 hours of community service they get 100% of their tuition paid for and $300 per semester to help with book costs. Jeff and Scott both got the 100% (yes, I am bragging, here) and Kevin will get it (more bragging) but has to do the community service part, still. He's working at the Humane Society and is really liking it. I told him he cannot bring a dog home. CANNOT!! He seems to have fallen in love with one of them already. Too cute!

OK, I'm off to read.
TTFN!

Doctor Visit

2008-03-25T09:02:00.005-04:00

I went for my radiation yesterday and got to see the doctor. I've been having a terrible pain in my hip which I am, in my canceritis mind, sure is bone cancer. The nurse seemed concerned and asked if I'd had a bone scan done. No, I have not. She said that because it was in a spot that I could pinpoint it is of concern. Then the doctor comes in and I mention it to him and he doesn't seem concerned at all and seems to think it's just residual pain from the chemo. This all confused me so I'm going to make an appointment with my chemo oncologist and insist on a scan 'cause this is making me crazy. Every single little pain I think is cancer of the "whatever". Ugh!

Also, another "new thing" is that some of my nails seem to be starting to fall out. How fucking gross is that? Another chemo side effect. I just thought that, since chemo is done and over with, there would be no more chemo side effects but the doctor yesterday explained that these drugs stay in our system for a very long time and the side effects also last a very long time. So you see how much farther down the nail is on the second finger? It can actually lift off all the way down to there. I'm quite worried that this could make me susceptible to a fungus of some kind. It's happening on two other fingers too. Gross.

That's all for me. Typing is starting to hurt with these three weird nails. That's all I need is to not be able to type. Worse yet would be to not be able to play internet games!! LOL!!

TTFN!
3 months and 27 days till I see Donny!!

Pictures!!

2008-03-24T11:35:00.010-04:00

Here's a picture of me completely bald taken just after my last chemo. Pretty head, eh? Scroll down to see my sprouting hair.....
Here's a picture of me today. I'm growing a little bit of hair. I actually took off my hat when we went out for dinner on Friday night. I was having a hot flash and just couldn't take it anymore so I took it off. Interestingly enough, people didn't stare but they did pretend to be looking around the restaurant and their gaze ended up on me. Well, I guess if I saw a practically bald woman I would stare, too! LOL!!

This is the radiation machine. It also takes x-rays. I lie on the table and this machine moves all over the place and those things on the side move. The part on the top is the actual radiation part and it moves all the way down to radiate me from all different angles. I'm not sure if that makes sense. It's hard to explain. Especially since I have to lie there, very still and can't move my head so all I can see is what I can see from my perifial (sp?) vision. Again, I don't even know if that makes sense. Anyway, I just wanted to show you how frigging huge this machine is.

This picture is the "view" I have from the table. It's directly above the big huge machine and you lie there and look at the pretty picture and they play whatever music you want. On Friday they played me some Elton John. Captain Fantastic. I love that song so I'm lying there singing away. At the end they come in and say "wow, you really like Elton John." I go "Yah, how do you know?" She says "Oh we have a microphone attached to the machine so we can hear you - you know, in case you're in distress or something. But we could also hear you singing. You're pretty good." OMG!! How embarrassing is that? Although, I did like the "you're pretty good" part - even though I know I'm not! ROFL!!

Here's Kevin's tattoo. It's growing on me although I still wish he hadn't done it. This is when it was only a day old so it's really red. (post entry note: I removed the picture because it occurred to me, many months later, that I really shouldn't have our last name posted on my blog.)

Here's a picture of Andrew & I in Vegas. I wore my hats most of the time. I wore my wig on Sunday night. We went to a reception and then out to dinner with Andrew co-worker, Paul and one of their suppliers. After dinner we wanted to hit the casino but my feet were killing me in my high heels so I went up to the room to change and ended up changing into a hat, too. The wig just isn't me. Anyway, I love love love this picture!! I had meant to get a platinum wig before we went but couldn't get one in time so this will have to do.

So there you have it, my picture gallery. Exciting, eh? LOL!!

A Poem....

2008-03-19T11:11:00.003-04:00

I got this from someone else's blog but it spoke to me so I'm posting it.

A mighty wind blew night and day
It stole the oak tree’s leaves away
Then snapped its boughs
And pulled its bark
Until the oak was tired and stark.
But still the oak tree held its ground
While other trees fell all around
The weary wind gave up and spoke “How can you still be standing, Oak?”
The Oak tree said, “I know that you can break each branch of mine in two,
Carry every leaf away, shake my limbs, and make me sway.
But I have roots stretched in the earth,
Growing stronger since my birth,
You’ll never touch them, for you see,
They are the deepest part of me.
Until today, I wasn’t sure of just how much I could endure
But now I’ve found, with thanks to you,
I’m stronger than I ever knew.” – Johnny Ray Ryder, Jr

Also, on the weekend, Jeff shared this saying with me:

Worry is like a rocking chair.
It gives you something to do but gets you nowhere.

I really liked it and swore I would remember it but....with a memory like mine and then "chemo brain" on top of it? I forgot it by the next day. Then on Monday? This was my horoscope in our local paper:

You might be worried about something today. Remember the saying: "Worry is like a rocking chair. It gives you something to do but gets you nowhere."

How weird is that? I truly had never heard that saying before and there it was again. And, when I was getting my Herceptin treatment on Friday, the lady who let me feel her hair? She was telling me to live every day and not worry about recurrence. That if it happens, it happens and to deal with it then, but in the meantime just live life to the fullest and enjoy. It's like the universe is speaking to me. I really have to stop the worrying and start the living. My new motto.

Also, I really have to say this. There is an e-mail going around out there referring to a John Hopkins article about cancer and chemo and radiation and a diet to follow. If you get this e-mail? Please do not pass it on to anyone fighting this fight. I have gotten it twice now. I know these people were trying to help and give me information (both of these people love me) but the truth is that there are several things in it that are truly offensive to someone in this battle. Here they are:

6. Chemotherapy involves poisoning the rapidly-growing cancer cells and also destroys rapidly-growing healthy cells in the bone marrow, gastrointestinal tract etc, and can cause organ damage, like liver, kidneys, heart, lungs etc.
7. Radiation while destroying cancer cells also burns, scars and damages healthy cells, tissues and organs.
9. When the body has too much toxic burden from chemotherapy and radiation the immune system is either compromised or destroyed, hence the person can succumb to various kinds of infections and complications.
10. Chemotherapy and radiation can cause cancer cells to mutate and become resistant and difficult to destroy. Surgery can also cause cancer cells to spread to other sites.

We all know that chemo and radiation hit the good and the bad. That's why we don't want to do it. But....if it ups our chances of living? It's worth it, right? Right. Listen, without chemo and radiation and Herceptin my chances of cancer coming back are 30%. With these treatments I have a 5% chance of it coming back. What would you do at 45 years old with three kids and the most amazing wonderful spouse in the entire history of man?

Here's the next offensive thing in this e-mail.

15. Cancer is a disease of the mind, body, and spirit. A proactive and positive spirit will help the cancer warrior be a survivor. Anger, unforgiveness and bitterness put the body into a stressful and acidic environment. Learn to have a loving and forgiving spirit. Learn to relax and enjoy life.

I hate shit like this. Cancer is not a disease of the mind or spirit. It is stupid, fucking cells which have run amuck. That's it. I have a generous mind and spirit. I am giving and loving and want world peace (I sound like a beauty queen, don't I? I better go put on my tiara!). My mind and spirit did not cause me to get cancer. And I hate when people say that my positive attitude will get me through and cure me. No. A positive attitude will not get me through and cure me. My grandmother was THE most wonderful person I ever knew. She was loving and giving and was everything anyone could want in a person and she died of breast cancer. I know of a 15 year old boy who never did anything bad to another person. He was sweet and kind and athletic and has a loving family and he died of cancer. Mind and Spirit have nothing to do with the devil we call cancer. Cancer cells have to do with cancer. We do the treatments and hope we got it. If we didn't, we fight some more until we can't fight anymore. I never, ever saw Jake (the 15 year old) give up. He was strong and insistent that he would live. He didn't and it's not because he didn't have "the will" to live. It's because the cancer took over his body and killed him. That's it.

The next thing in the e-mail talks about diet. What you should and shouldn't eat. According to this article? I can't have sugar, sugar substitute, salt, red meat, very little chicken, 80% of my diet should be raw vegetables and 20% can be cooked, I should have no dairy products, no caffeine, only purified water and only drink soy milk and if you eat protein it should be fish.

Well, really. Who the hell could live like this? On the upside, they didn't say anything about alcohol so I could just drink all day!! I could be so drunk I wouldn't care what I ate. LOL!! Besides, both my oncologists told me to stay away from soy anything. It's an "unknown" and "too new" to trust. Also, what about the mercury in fish. We're not supposed to eat a lot of fish because of the mercury. So that would leave me with vegetables. I don't know about you but my quality of life would be done at this point and I would be miserable and I might as well be done.

Anyway, my point is this.
1. Don't send me the article....I've already seen it and obviously do not agree with it.
2. Watch what you say and send to people with cancer. You may think it's helpful but it may not be and may, in fact, be offensive.

There....that was some rant, eh? I really had to think about addressing this on my blog. As anyone who knows me knows, I don't want to ever hurt anyone's feelings but I really had to say this.

Hope everyone has a great day!
Radiation #2 here I come.
TTFN!
4 months and 2 days till I see Donny!!

One Down, 29 To Go.....

2008-03-18T19:44:00.002-04:00

I went for my first radiation today. It's really an easy procedure. Here's how it went.

I go in and sign in. I walk right in and go to the change area. I change into a gown on the top part only, lock my purse and clothes in a locker and go wait to be called. They call me in and I lie on a hard, narrow bed with a huge, huge machine all around me. The nice part is that in the ceiling, built into the lights is a beautiful mural of a beach with two palm trees and looking out into the ocean. They move me around a little to make sure my tattoos match up with the machines lights. Then they explain that they'll take an x-ray first to make sure I'm matched up properly and then they'll do the actual radiation. The x-ray is done and they come back into the room about 3 minutes later, adjust me a little and then the radiation starts. I know it's happening when there's a high whining sound. The first one is for 25 seconds (I counted). Then the machine moves and the next one is for 32 seconds, then the machine moves and the next one is for 25 seconds then the machine moves and the last one is for 36 seconds. That's it. They come in and tell me "you're done. See you tomorrow."

Easy, eh? I think, ok, that's easy. And then it hits me I have to go back every weekday for 6 weeks. So, as per my sister Karen's suggestion with chemo, I have started a calendar and will X off each day and get through day by day. It really, really helped with the chemo so I know it'll work with radiation.

I want to give a special shout out to Stephanie Rathmann. Stephanie was one of my "daycare kids" when I lived in Barrie. She and her brother were my favourites along with their mom. I'm still in touch with them after all these years and have a very special spot in my heart for them. Anyway, this sweet girl sent me a very funny card. Her mom had told her I love cards so she sent me one to lift my spirits. How sweet is that? Thank you Stef. I still love you after all this time!!

That's all for today.
G'Nite Everybody!!
4 months and 3 days till I see Donny!!

The Travelling Girl is Back

2008-03-17T12:57:00.003-04:00

Wow! Have I ever been busy. First we went to Las Vegas, then we were home a couple of days in which I had another Herceptin treatment and then we went to Orlando (I'm actually still in Orlando and am writing this on Scott's computer at his college).

So, Vegas. It was great. We stayed at the Mandalay Bay Hotel. It's a beautiful hotel. When we checked in they gave us a room on the third floor that overlooked a cement wall. I called down and told them that although the room is lovely I really would like a better view so they moved us to the 23rd floor with a great view of the strip. On Saturday we must have walked 5 - 8 miles. For anyone who knows Vegas we walked all the way from the Mandalay, through Luxor, through Excaliber, through New York New York and all the way down to Caesar's Palace. We just meandered all the way down and saw the Water Show at Bellagio, too. The rest of the time we ate and drank way too much. Saw Wayne Brady, who was just ok. Did a little betting and broke even. It was fun.

Then, we came home on Wednesday night on the redeye. I hate flying and flying on a redeye in coach is just not pleasant. At least we had exit row seating but still, I just don't sleep well on planes. Andrew? Out like a fricking light as soon as the plane takes off. I guess, because he travels so much, that his body is just used to doing that. I know that when he flies to Europe he flies over night and then goes into the office the next morning. Sometimes straight from the airport, I think. Anyway, he just goes right to sleep and I sat there watching his head bob for a while and got mad at him for being able to sleep and then watched some tv and then finally got to sleep just in time to wake up for our changeover in Atlanta. Ugh. Needless to say I slept most of Thursday.

Then, as I said, I went for my Herceptin on Friday morning. I met a lady there who is 4 months post-chemo. She has hair and it's so soft (yes, I asked to touch it and she was happy to oblige). We talked about chemo and being done with it and trying to live life without fear. It was very good to talk to her. I may put on a really brave face but inside I'm just terrified that the cancer will come back. I have pains in my hips and I'm just sure it must be bone cancer. Pains in my back? I think I must have kidney cancer or even bone cancer in my back. It's really because I've been sleeping on unfamiliar beds that are too soft but these things really do go through my mind and enter my head and then I have nightmares about it all. That? I'm just trying not to do it anymore. Easier said then done but I'm trying.

On to happier things.....My nephew, Thomas, came to Florida to play lacrosse on Saturday. My parents and Andrew and I and the boys and Jeff's girlfriend, Chanel all went to see him play in Orlando. He's a freshman so we weren't thinking he'd get any playing time but he did. He's very good, if I do say so myself!! Must get that from the Irvine side!! teehee!!! We only got to say hi for a moment and he was off with his team but it was nice to hug him and see his cute little face.

Then, mom and dad headed back home and we stayed in Orlando. Six of us in a hotel room!! It went fine, actually. Sunday we just played at the pool and it was so relaxing. Jeff and Chanel and Scott went back to their schools on Sunday night. Kevin, Andrew and I stayed at the hotel one more night and today we're at Scott's school talking to the ROTC people about what they may have to offer the boys next year. Kevin wants to come to UCF with Scott and both have shown interest in the ROTC program so we want to chat with them and see what it's all about.

That's all our "goings on" for now. I must add that I do have some hair sprouting up. As soon as I think it'll show up in a picture, I'll post one so you can all see. I'm very excited about the prospect of having hair. My eyelashes and eyebrows are still missing. Leg hair and arm pit hair coming back, unfortunately.

I start radiation tomorrow. I'm nervous about it. I'll post how that goes.

TTFN!

We're Off to Vegas!!

2008-03-07T07:16:00.004-05:00

One last entry before we head to Vegas.....

Oh! Before we start, could you click on the Breast Cancer site button over here? --------->

Thanks!

I went to see the Radiation Oncologist on Wednesday. Andrew came with me (I checked first to make sure there would be no blood taken. LOL!!). Very, very nice doctor. He sat down and chatted with us for a long time just to make sure we understood everything. It's funny because when I thought I was having a lumpectomy and then radiation, radiation seemed so big. Now? Since I ended up having chemo, radiation just seems like the light at the end of the tunnel. And this doctor really understood that and voiced it. I was also complaining about the amount of weight I'd gained during chemo and he said most women gain about 20 lbs with chemo for breast cancer. So, we gain weight and lose our hair? I'd sure like it to have been the other way around! LOL!

After he chatted with us and explained how radiation works (they target the breast without getting the heart and lungs underneath), I went to get a mapping CT scan. I guess this is different from a regular CT scan in that it's a shorter period of time and they're specifically trying to figure out where my heart and lungs are and how to set up the radiation machine to miss them. I had to lie there with my arms over my head while they moved me around and then went through the machine. I thought it would be a piece of cake but, I'm telling you, when we got in about 25 minutes I was in some major pain. My back hurt, my head hurt and my arms were killing me. Then.....they tattooed me!! That's right, I am now tattooed!! (Couldn't let Kevin have all the glory, right? LOL!!) I have three small dots. One under my right arm, one right in the middle of my boobs and one under my left arm. Now when I go in for my radiation they just line me up with the dots and radiate me (takes about 3 minutes, total). When they were finished the tattoos I was allowed to get up but my arms wouldn't move so she had to lift my arms down for me. I tell you, I don't know how some of the fragile older people would be able to endure that procedure.

I start radiation on Tuesday, March 17. I go every week day for 30 treatments. Then I'm done that phase and I just have to do the Herceptin every 3 weeks until next February and then I'm completely done. I actually didn't realize, until this doctor told me, that Herceptin is a form of chemo. It's very low-dose, won't lose my hair over it, chemo - but still, it's chemo. I just didn't know that.

As an aside, this doctor is really nice, as I said before but....he speaks with a southern accent and says OK a lot. Well, have you ever seen the guidance counsellor on South Park? He sounded so much like him that, at first, it was hard to concentrate on what he was saying 'cause I kept thinking of South Park. Weird. I know.

So, that's all on the cancer-front for now. If I could get these damned hot flashes under control I'd be much happier and rested. They wake me up every night and I throw the covers off, then I get cold so I put the covers back on and then that cycle continues several more times throughout the night. Last night I had a headache as I went to bed so I took a Tylenol PM and slept like a baby. Unfortunately, I don't think I can do that every night but it's good to know. The doctor said the Effexor (the stuff I'm taking to help with the hot flashes) won't take effect until I've been taking it for 2 weeks and I've only been taking it for just over a week. Hopefully that'll kick in soon.

OK, I'm off to continue packing and to get a manicure/pedicure (thank you Mrs. Hall!!!). The doctor was concerned about me flying and the germs I will encounter so I have to take a lot of Airbourne before we go to try and boost my immune system a little. It would suck to get sick in Vegas, eh? I'm so looking forward to this trip. Not only to be back in Vegas (which I love!) but to be able to spend time with Andrew after this long ordeal of chemo. Scott and Jeff have their March breaks next week so Kevin won't have to be alone for the whole time. I'm glad about that 'cause I would feel really guilty leaving him all alone for a week. Now, I just have to get through the flights (I hate, hate, hate flying - my ears don't pop, I get air-sick and claustrophobic - just a joy to fly with. LOL!!) and then we should start having some fun! WOOHOO!!!

TTFN!

An Inspiring Video

2008-03-04T06:36:00.000-05:00

Hi all!

This is a video I found on someone else's blog (This & That). I had to pass it on. It is really thought-provoking and a definitely taught me a thing or two. My favourite part was the tigger/eeyore comparison.

http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=8577255250907450469&total=100&st

Enjoy!
Sandy

The Good, The Bad and The Ugly

2008-03-03T10:24:00.003-05:00

Well, what a weekend!

First off, on Friday night, we all went to The Melting Pot for dinner. It was Andrew & I, the three boys and Jeff's girlfriend, Chanel. We had so much fun doing fondue. You start with a cheese fondue, move on to the meat and veggies and then on to chocolate. Yummo! Lots of fun and laughs and it was so nice to have another girl for a change. You should have seen the two of us. At the end the waitress came over and asked if we needed more food for dipping and our eyes lit up and we requested more bananas and strawberries. We ate till there was no more! LOL!!

Then on Saturday, Andrew and I had some errands to run and we invited my parents over for dinner. The day was going wonderfully well and I even commented to Andrew about what a difference a week makes. Last weekend I was in pain and he was jet lagged and this weekend was sunny and warm and both of us feeling great. My parents arrived for dinner and we were all just sitting around doing various things. Kevin and Scott had been out "at a friends" all afternoon and they came home and came directly over to me. They had some weird looks on their faces. Like the cat who just ate the canary. Kevin had been acting strangely in the past few days. I had even commented to Andrew while we were out about how weird they were acting and that I hoped they weren't out buying drugs or something.

So...there I am questioning them about what they had been doing and it hit me. Kevin got a tattoo. Sure enough...this is were the bad and ugly come in...he had. Now, listen, people, I'm not against tattoos. They're all right. I don't really get it, but, whatever. But. I must say. #1 it's different when it's your kid doing it. #2 this is one big ass, fucking tattoo, ok? Did I say ugly, yet? Well, that might be overstating it. It's not ugly but it's just way too big. It's our last name written in scroll across his upper back. It's huge. I think it would, actually, have been pretty nice if it was about half the size. Well, anyway, I started crying and screaming at him. It was not a pretty sight. The boys were shocked that I reacted that way. I don't know what they expected but they were really surprised. Well, surprise!! I'm not "the cool mom".

Anyway, the reason I was so upset is because I had been lied to. The previous day Kevin had borrowed my car to take something up to his friend. He said it was for a school project. I actually helped him map out how to get there on mapquest! I asked him why he did this behind out backs and he said it's because "we didn't support him". Fuck! Bullshit! My ass! We had had a few conversations about him getting a tattoo and I had said we would talk about it more when the time came. I also would have liked to check the place out to make sure it was clean and I would have liked a little bit of "a say" in it. It really would be a decent tattoo if it were smaller. Oh well, it's his body. Again. What-fucking-ever. That's all I have to say about that.

Sunday was again a nice day (other than the fact that Kevin was wondering around with no shirt on because he had to keep some ointment on the tattoo). Mom and Dad, Andrew & I went to the Florida Strawberry Festival and saw Alan Jackson. He was really good. Oh! we also saw racing pigs. It was so funny! And we ate. A lot.

Well that's it for me. I go to the radiation doctor on Wednesday so I'll post more after that about that.

TTFN!

I'm Back

2008-02-28T13:08:00.002-05:00

Wow, it's been quite a while since I last posted. Here's what's happened in the past few days.

Thursday I went for my last chemo. We made it into a party. Kevin took the day off school to come with us. Mom & dad came, too. I made some carrot cake so it would be a true celebration. My friends Christy and Whitney both dropped by. It was very nice.

Friday Andrew came home. Kevin & I went to pick him up at the airport and then the three of us went out for dinner. I actually wore a wig. Andrew said it looked real. I believed him, actually. I think I'll start wearing the wigs more. Especially when we're in Vegas.

Since then, I've just been in pain. It hit me on Saturday. The sharp, shooting pains really only went away this morning and now I just have a nagging ache in my hips. So, basically the last week I've been concentrating on the clock and when I get to take my next pill. That's over with, now, thank goodness!! My momma came and spent Monday and Tuesday with me. She's sure getting some bad habits from me. First, American Idol and now? smoothies. I asked her to go get me a smoothie on Monday and she has discovered that they're really good! hmmmm.....can you be a bad influence on your mother? LOL!!

Speaking of bad influences on their mother - both my college boys are coming home this weekend. I love when they come home!! Yippee!!

We were going to go to the Renaissance Festival on Saturday but I'm not up to it so we'll have to go another weekend.

This Sunday we go to see Alan Jackson at the Strawberry Festival with my mom and dad. The tickets were only $40 and it's a really, really small stadium so we'll be nice and close. Should be fun. I'm kind of worried about getting around. My hips have hurt so badly for the past 5 days that I've been lying in bed most of the time so I don't know how much stamina I'll have to wander around. The good thing is that my dad had both knees replaced this summer so he's in about the same boat as me. We can sit on benches together. LOL!!

On Wednesday next week I go to see the oncologist who will do my radiation. When I called they said they usually start it three to five weeks after the last chemo so I'll probably start shortly after we get back from Vegas. I'm kinda nervous about radiation. I've heard of some people who sail through and just do it and I've heard of others who get really sick and tired from it and the area gets really burned badly. My chemo nurse said that it seems to run in correlation to your skin type and that red heads get burned the most and then blondes and on down the line. Since I'm more of a blonde skin-type I just don't know what will happen. I guess we'll see and I'll just try not to worry about it. Easier said than done.

That's all for now. No funny stories 'cause all I've been doing is lying in bed, bored and in pain. Not much fun in that.

TTFN

Angels

2008-02-20T17:06:00.003-05:00

I met another angel yesterday. Here's the story:

I went to get Kevin's birthday present and then went and got it wrapped. The lady wrapped it and handed it to me. Then she said "Just a sec, I want to come around to you." I didn't have a clue what she was doing but she came around the counter and took both my hands in hers and looked me in the eye and said "I just want you to know that two months ago? I was wearing a scarf just like you are today. And look at me now! I have cute curly hair and you will have hair soon, too." I looked at her with tears in my eyes and said "I only have one more chemo to go!" and she said "You can do it and, together, we will survive!" At that she gave me a hug. There were about four people in line and the lady right behind me started clapping and then all the others did, too and they all started yelling "hooray for the survivors!" over and over. I just stood there crying taking it all in.

People like her? I call them angels. Other angels are:

My chemo nurses. On a weekly basis they give me advice and hope. I love them.

The guy who did my mugga (heart) test. I was in the machine and we were chatting about our kids and then about Vegas and my hatred of this port came up. I said to him "How am I going to wear a bathing suit with this ugly thing stuck in the middle of my chest?" and do you know what he said to me? "With confidence and grace." and then he came around to where I could see him and squeezed me hand and said "Don't worry, you can do this." I love that.

One of my customer's secretary. I told her about my breast cancer and she told me she had had it 15 years ago and assured me I would be a survivor, too. It was early in my diagnosis and when I started crying she stayed on the line and supported me.

There are others, too. The various women who, when I'm at the mall or grocery store, come up to me and whisper that they, too, are survivors.

That's all. I just wanted to share that story. It really rocked my world.
TTFN

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, KEVIN!!

2008-02-19T09:22:00.005-05:00

Happy 18th

Birthday, Kevin!!

You are such a wonderful person and it has been and continues to be an honour to be your mother. You have always surprised me with the directions you choose to go. People will say "What would Kevin like/think about that?" and my answer is always "I just don't know". You have a heart of gold. I love you with all my heart!!

Sunny Sunday

2008-02-17T10:12:00.003-05:00

As you can see, I've added a new element to my page. It's over to your right, see? I'm asking each and every one of you to click on this link and then click on the pink button that says click here. It's a site that accumulates "clicks" and then trades them in for free mammograms for women who can't afford them. My sister, Karen, sent this to me and I'd love if each of you would click on this link every time you come to check in on my blog. Together, we can save lives. Wow! what a dramatic statement, eh? LOL!!

We're having a great weekend here in sunny Florida. First on Friday, my friend Christy and I went out floor shopping and then out for lunch. This girl is so sunny. Just a delight to spend time with. I was telling her how I seem to have "dropped out" of society for the time being. I don't tend to return phone calls (sorry to the people I've done this to!!), I don't go out many places but, Christy? Man, this girl is relentless. She calls and calls and e-mails and e-mails and just keeps at it until I call her and then? Being with her is so effortless. First off, her mom went through chemo a few years ago so I don't even have to explain "my tingly fingers" or "the shooting pains in my legs" to her. Also, she's quite similar to me and could talk to a wall, if you know what I mean. So, when we're together, it's very even. I don't have to keep up the conversation and be "on". I just love her!! I tend to pick people like this as best friends, I've noticed. So...to you Kim, Deb, Mom, Whitney, Christy....thanks for keeping up your end of the conversation and calling me all the time - I love each one of you!!

Scotty came home on Friday. He and Kevin went to dinner with friends and then to the movies. I had the house (and more importantly, the computer) all to myself on Friday night. Now, wouldn't you think I was happy about that? Well, no. Not really. I kept inviting myself to dinner and movies with the kids but they wouldn't let me come. I remember when they were little and I was going out they would sometimes beg me to take them with me....well, haven't the tables turned!! Now I'm the one begging! LOL!!!

Saturday was a gorgeous, perfect day. I decided to take the boys out for lunch. We went to one of my favourite restaurants, Jack Willie's, with every intention of sitting outside. Well, this place was packed. There was a band outside and, get this.....they were playing disco music!! ROFL!! I'm pretty sure the boys were glad the outside area was full. That music would have made them crazy!! Anyway, we ended up eating inside. So, we're chatting - well, mostly I'm chatting...and I see a plateful of onion rings go by. Now, this place has really good onion rings. So I kinda growled and said "mmm look at those!". Ok, Ok, it's probably not common to growl but I like growling and do so quite often. It lets people know how I'm feeling - growling can say "get away from me", "I'm mad at you", "Oh! that looks good", "Oh! I love that" - many, many things. Try it! No, really, try it! Like a pirate. Feels good, eh?

Anyway, so the conversation goes on and Scott tells me that he tells all his friends that I'm crazy. I'm not kidding!! He tells his friends that I'm crazy!! So, just because I growl, I'm crazy? Well, I am totally and utterly offended by this. Rendered speachless, and we all know that doesn't happen very often. So, I'm going to try to be "normal" from now on. I'm thinking it probably won't work, but it's worth the effort to not have a reputation for being crazy. Ya know, I don't mind being called weird, but crazy? That's not good. So, I'm going to try to change. Wish me luck on that one!! ROFL!!

Then, last night we went to my mom and dad's for Kevin's birthday dinner. His birthday is actually on Tuesday but he wants to make dinner himself that night. And he thinks I'm crazy? Weirdo. Anyway, my dad makes these awesome hamburgers so we enjoyed that.

While we're on this subject? My youngest is turning 18!!!! OMG!! I'm getting fucking old here, people!! Old!!! Now, I know you're all going.."well, yah, you dumb-ass, you just had your 45th birthday". But, that didn't really phase me. I think it's because I was busy with chemo, but, holy shit!! My youngest is turning 18!!! This means my kids are 18, 19 & 20 and I'm fucking old. There ya have it. So...I've decided that I want a birthday party next year. I was demanding one for my 45th but then cancer came and I was bald and not feeling well and I decided no party. Next year? F that S. I want a party!! I haven't had one since I was 13 and I want one. So...next year, around December 15th? There will be a party so if you want an invite just comment on here and I'll add you to the list. teehee!!

No plans for today. I'm gearing up for my last chemo. I'm going to make a carrot cake and take it in for a celebration. If I do say so myself, I make the best damned carrot cake in the land so those chemo nurses are in for a treat. Yummo!!

I'm also gearing up for Vegas. Unfortunately, I've eaten my way through chemo so I have to take out my "semi-fat" clothes. That means, I've gained some weight back but not all the weight back. Oh! - this is important - I also tried on my bathing suits and they don't show the port! This is huge, ok? I may reconsider getting the port out, now. I know, I know, how vain! Whatever!! But, all my bathing suits are halter style and they hide the port. I'm really happy about this and that I don't have to go bathing suit shopping before Vegas 'cause everyone knows that bathing suit shopping sucks... right ladies? While I'm in Vegas I'm planning on doing nothing. Just sitting by the pool and reading. That's it. Well, you know, we're going back in July so I can "do the strip" then and I've been there before, too, so it's not like I haven't seen it. So, relaxing by the pool is it for me. Ahhhh! Perfect.

Oh, funny story. I was going to the doctor's on Thursday. I parked behind the building. That parking is for two different buildings so all kinds of people park there. So, as I'm walking up between the buildings these two ladies are right behind me - one is around my age and the other is her mom. This is how it goes:
Younger Girl: "Oh look, mom, she's wearing a doo-rag! I love those!"
Mom: "What's a doo-rag?"
Daughter: "It's a really cool scarf. You put all your hair up under the scarf and it's really cool. Like that." (I assume she's pointing at me)
Mom: "Honey, I don't think she has any hair."
Daughter: "No, mom, you don't understand, she has it all tucked up under the doo-rag."
Mom: "No, honey, I'm pretty sure she doesn't have any hair. That's a cancer clinic." (I'm assuming she points to my cancer building)

So, at this point, I'm laughing at the whole conversation and kind of excited that she thinks I'm cool and I turn around and so "Nope, I'm bald. As a cue ball." I said this laughing to they'd know I wasn't offended and went into my building. I just thought this was really funny!

Well, that's all for now. I have to go finish Scott's laundry (that's my lure to get him home so often!! ROFL!!!) and Kevin has a pancake ready for me (he makes the best pancakes in the history of man!!). MMMMM This kid is such a good cook! And he wants to go in the Navy! He should be a chef, I tell you. LOL!!

TTFN!

Happy Valentine's Day!!

2008-02-14T09:45:00.004-05:00

We don't, generally, celebrate Valentine's Day in a big way (rhyme) but I just thought I'd start this entry by saying it.... especially to all "my boys". I love you guys!!

Well, I didn't have a great few days. I was in more pain on Monday and Tuesday than on any previous day. Still....it's much better than the nausea so I feel silly even mentioning it. But...it was quite debilitating. My feet and hands got really tingly and I had these horrible shooting pains through my legs. It felt like lightening bolts. As I said to my mom, if it was in the same spot every time I could expect it and be prepared but no, it just happened randomly in all different parts of my hips and legs. All of a sudden there'd be a jolt through my legs or hips and I'd jump and yell out in pain. It was so bad that I actually asked my mom & dad to cut short their trip to Orlando to come stay with me. Andrew left for Europe (Paris and then Dusseldorf) and I really needed someone to be with me. For those of you who know me you know I must have been in dire straights to ask this of them because I have tried so hard not to be "needy" through this whole thing.

They're so wonderful, my parents. They've come to every single chemo and continue to support me. My mom calls me just about every day just to see how I am. I use it as my time to really think about myself and think about how I am because other than that time? I don't want to think about it. Does that even make sense? Anyway, my mom and dad came on Tuesday just to sit with me. They just took over and made plans for dinner. That is so wonderful because the last thing I wanted to think about was what to eat. My dad bbq'd some amazing steaks and my momma cooked some beans and made some fried potatoes (you know, left over potatos fried with onions). mmmmm. And...I could actually taste the food! Seems that about day 5 after chemo my taste buds come back. Then, my momma stayed with me over night. So sweet! (My dad would have stayed but we don't have a very comfortable guest bed so he opted to go home).

Then, they came back on Wednesday evening with dinner! Are they perfect or what? Oh! And get this...my mom has never watched American Idol and after spending just two evenings with me? she's hooked!! Funny thing though. Last night they announced who made it to the top 24. I had Tivo'd the show and they were just about to announce the last girl....big buildup....and my tivo stopped!! It missed the last few minutes and so we still don't know who made it. We were freaking out! It was really funny! So now I have to tell my mom when American Idol's on so she can remember to watch it. ROFL!! Another addict!!

So, today I feel much better. Slept like a log last night. I love when Andrew's away that I get the whole bed. I just sprawl right out over the whole thing. I mean, I don't love that he's away - especially since today's Valentine's Day and all, but I do love sprawling. LOL!!

That's all for today. I go to the doctor this afternoon just so they can check my white and red blood cell counts. They've been low in the past but not low enough that I have to "do anything" about it. I don't, actually, know what "do anything" means and, as long as it doesn't happen? I don't even care. I don't want to know.

Have a great day, all! and....Andrew....

Happy Valentine's Babe! I wouldn't choose anyone else to go through this roller coaster of life with (dangling participle - I just had to say it, you know...so you know that I know but I typed "I wouldn't choose anyone else with whom to go though this"...and that sounded stupid so I'm just leavin' it...oh god!! I'm so freakin' weird!!!). You're my best friend and always will be! (and I know you're weird so you are now singing Queen's song ohhh you're my best friend...ohhh you make me live - I know you are 'cause you, my love, are just as weird, if not weirder than me!!) We were meant to be and I love it that way!!

TTFN!

Weekend Wrapup

2008-02-10T23:48:00.000-05:00

Thursday: Had chemo. Doctor gave me a prescription for Effexor to help with the hot flashes. I haven't gotten it filled because Kevin mentioned that some of these drugs have some pretty weird side effects. I went online and it's kinda scary and....one of the side effects can be "sweating". Well, hello!! I'm trying to get rid of the hot flashes. Another is migraine headaches. Well, I'm prone to migraines & frankly? I'd rather have hot flashes then a migraine. So, I'm going to have to look into this further. My sister's a Nurse Practitioner so I'll call her and run it by her. If she can't help me I'll ask the pharmacist. Anyway, then I went to bed at 11 pm & woke up at 1 am. Finally got up at 2 am 'cause I kept waking up Andrew with all my tossing & turning. Played on the computer all night.

Friday: Went to the doctor with Jeff & then took he and his girlfriend for breakfast. Saw a woman there who was growing back her hair from chemo. I was dying to ask how long ago she finished but didn't get up the guts to do it. Kicked Jeff & Chanel out of the house around 1pm with every intention of taking a nap but I just couldn't sleep so I played on the computer some more. Kevin took me for my Neulasta shot (the one that helps my white blood cells) and then I came home and finally crashed. Woke up around 7pm. Andrew & I dragged Kevin to a wine tasting (there were chocolate covered strawberries so he was ok with it) and then the three of us headed over to The Melting Pot for dinner. It's a fondue restaurant. We love it. Took my "Donny" fan with me and had to use it. I love it, too! LOL!! Unfortunately (I think I've mentioned this before) the chemo really affects my taste buds. Weirdly enough, I can only taste "sweet" things so I didn't enjoy dinner as much as I would have normally. Still, the whole fondue experience is fun.

Saturday: Pain day. I was pretty miserable. Between not being able to taste food and having muscle and bone pain? I was pretty cranky. I also had this weird tingling in my hands and feet. It makes walking painful and anything to do with my hands painful, too. So Andrew had to do just about everything for me - like opening any pill bottles, even my water bottle. Makes me feel really helpless but it only lasted for that day so I'm not complaining too much. I made Andrew buy me another vanilla cake. I don't know if I've mentioned this before but when I'm miserable with the side-effects of chemo? Vanilla cake makes me feel soooo much better! Last week? I ate an entire cake! hmmmm....wonder why I'm gaining weight, eh? LOL!!

Sunday: Not too bad. The foot & hand tingling have gone away for the most part. Andrew, Kevin & I went over to The Sports Authority to pick up more of those under armour shirts. On Saturday night I woke up twice with horrible night sweats and was soaking wet. I didn't want to wake Andrew up to change the sheets so I just changed my jammies and put a dry towel over the wet sheets. Not that comfortable. Hopefully these shirts will help keep me dry. Andrew & I dropped Kevin off at home and went "driving". We headed down to Clearwater beach and ended up going through a bunch of open houses. A couple of condos right on the beach and then a $3.2 million home. Wow! It was beautiful and no, we didn't pretend we were in the market. We just wowed and ohhed and awed. Listen, if these people want to open up their doors for an open house I'm willing to go in. LOL!!

So right now it's midnight on Sunday. I didn't get up till 11 am so I can't sleep yet. I watched the grammy's. Boy! It was crappy this year. Tina Turner was good and the Foo Fighters but other than that? Amy Winehouse? Seriously. WTF!!?? I just don't see what the big deal is. I might be getting old. And....did you see Andy Williams? I didn't even know he was still alive.

So, that's my update. Not very exciting. I never have an exciting time after my chemo. To be expected, I guess. Andrew's going to Europe on Tuesday for a week and a half. He'll be back in time for my next and last "bad weekend after chemo". Thank goodness this is almost done. I'm pretty sick of chemo and being bald and co-ordinating hats/scarves with my clothes.

TTFN!

Too Much Testosterone!!

2008-02-05T03:25:00.001-05:00

OMG! I must say there was way too much testosterone in my house this weekend. Here's what happened:

Scott came home Friday. He mentioned something about a bet he and his friend, Nate, had made. Now, Nate is Scott's gambling buddy, bowling buddy, basketball buddy...that kind of friend. And he's Canadian to boot! Nice kid, in general. Anyway, turns out the bet is that Scott is supposed to do 5 push-ups every 5 minutes for 8 hours. I'm not great at math (which is why I married an accountant) so I don't know exactly how many push-ups that is but I do know it's a lot. I didn't think they'd actually do it but at noon? Scott and I are sitting at the computer table. I'm on one computer, he's on the other and all of a sudden he gets down and does 5 push-ups......five minutes later, another 5 push-ups. Well, this is just the beginning.

Within fifteen minutes, Nate is over at our house. Every five minutes Scott's down doing push-ups. They're playing online poker together and talking sports. The two of them are having a great time.

Now, all this time, Andrew's painting doors to our bedroom, Kevin's gone for his daily workout so we've got "manly things" happening all over the place. It was really weird. At one point Nate's at one computer playing online poker. Scott's helping or playing with him. I dunno, but they confer and then Nate makes a move. I'm on the other computer. We're having a little conversation between hands and all of a sudden, Scott's back on the floor doing these push-ups again. No break in the conversation. Seriously, weird.

Then, around 5:00 the two of them suddenly get bored and decide to go play basketball. Off they go and come back 45 minutes later, all sweaty and gross. They've decided Scott has to do 30 push-ups in a certain amount of time to make good on the bet. He does this. Then Kevin decides to get in on the action and he's supposed to do a certain amount of push-ups in a certain amount of time. He misses by one push-up. Andrew's in and out of the house in his paint-covered clothes and by this time? I can see the testosterone in the air!! LOL!!

We ate dinner and off the boys went to meet Jeff and his girlfriend, Chanel, at Winghouse to watch some UFC Fights. More testosterone but I'm glad it was out of my house!!

What a day that was!

It is now 3:30 in the morning. I can't sleep...again. This is becoming a regular thing for me but it's not about chemo drugs, anymore. It's about hot flashes. You know, I used to hear women complain about hot flashes and I'd think "Oh c'mon, how bad can it be?". That's because I was always cold. Well, I gotta tell you, these things? They're freaking powerful. They start around my neck and move into my head. From there it's like a huge fireball that spreads down all the way to my toes. It lasts about 2 minutes and then it slowly disapates. Then, you're left kinda wet and gross but it gets worse. You're kinda wet so what happens then? You get a little chill. This happens about once every half hour and it doesn't seem to let a little sleeping get in the way. Oh no. It happens all night long and is not something to be ignored. Ugh!

I mentioned this to my doctor and she said I can't go on Hormone Replacement Therapy because of my type of cancer but that I can go on anti-depressants to help with the hot flashes. I kind of pooh poohed that away but when I go for chemo on Thursday? I'm walking away with a prescription 'cause I can't take this anymore. I'm exhausted! I'm waking up at least every hour every night. Again...ugh!

Now, I have gone on about the bad things about chemo....losing my hair, eyebrows, hot flashes, nausea, bone pain, muscle pain, losing all sense of taste, heightened sense of smell, tingly fingers, jumpy legs, losing sleep, rashes (did I mention rashes?). There have been some good things, too, though.

#1 I don't have to shave my armpits

#2 Showering doesn't take very long with no shampooing

#3 My skin is really soft. I usually have oily skin with a few blemishes here and there. Chemo dries out your skin so all of a sudden I have normal skin. It's so soft! I love it!

#4 I have really beautiful nails. They're so beautiful they look fake!

#5 The hot flashes gave me an excuse to go on Donny.com and buy a battery powered fan with Donny's autograph on it!! fan? $5 shipping? $10!!! can you say rip off? LOL!!

#6 When my taste buds "go" for that 4 or 5 days? All I can taste is sweet things so I use that as an excuse to eat Smoothies and entire Vanilla cakes. That's right, I said it - entire Vanilla cakes. Hey!! I'm still Cancergirl....I can do what I want!!

OK, that's it. I'm exhausted and this is way too long.
G'Night Everybody!

Sunny Saturday

2008-02-02T09:53:00.000-05:00

So....I hear you Canadians got quite a dumping of snow yesterday, eh? Yah, Yah, it's pretty..... Pretty damned cold!! ROFL!! It was a beautiful sunny day, here in Florida. A little chilly at 70 degrees. I had to wear a fleecy. But no clouds in the sky. Lovely winter day. Oh! Sorry to you Swedish people, too. LOL!! Listen, people! Come visit us! We'd love to share our weather with you but you have to come to us. teehee!!

Wow! Did everyone read the comments section on my previous post? Once again, my comments section takes on a life of it's own. I must say, I don't think this is so much of a religion thing. I mean, I see where Scott's (my middle son) coming from in that it does tend to be stupid religious people saying this stuff. But that doesn't mean all religious people are like that. I've gotten amazing support from my Christian friends. I think people just say "stuff". I don't think they mean to be mean. I think they're just....well, not thinking (or stupid in some cases). I guess my whole thing, here, is to bring up things that people say and then hope my readers take something from that. Here are things not to say to people who have cancer:

- "I'm so sorry". If you have to say "I'm sorry" add on the words "this happened to you" or "you have to go through that". The words "I'm sorry" are always the first thing out of someone's mouth when there's a death in the family. We cancer people. When we hear that we have cancer there's a whole "why me" thing and a touch of "will I die". We don't need the "I'm sorry" thing, too. And besides, what's a good response to that. When you tell someone you have cancer and they say "I'm sorry". What can I say to that. Oh that's ok. Nope. Yah me too. Well, duh! So what can you say? How about "Oh that sucks" or "Oh wow. If there's anything you need please call me".

- "God never gives you more than you can handle". OMG!! If I hear this one more time I will fucking scream. I'm serious. I don't think my mutated cancer cells have anything to do with God just as I don't think Kevin's broken leg or our other multiple injuries have anything to do with God. I honestly think I took the pill too long or, maybe, it's in my gene pool (my grandmother died of breast cancer 30 years ago). God? I just don't think God's standing around doling out crap like cancer or watching who should die in a car crash. God is light, to me. God is hope, to me. Besides, if God never gave us more than we could handle? Why do people commit suicide? The answer? It's not God giving us anything...it's life.

- "Maybe you got this so that you'll appreciate/cherish life more". Well, I've already addressed this one. And, actually, I don't even know that this has anything to do with religion. But...people who say this to me? Well, they obviously don't know me. I've always been outlandishly optimistic. I love life. Also, I've already been through my share of crap, healthwise, and I've spent way too much time in hospitals and wheelchairs already and I sure as hell didn't need cancer to appreciate/cherish life anymore than I already do.

So...I hope that clears some "things" up. I just want to comment on Scott's comments.
#1 I love that you comment, Scotty. I love that you feel so strongly about your opinions and I encourage you to continue to comment and have opinions. You are very educated on many many religions. I don't think I've met anyone who's read so much about various religions and knows the history of so many different religions. I learn things from you every time we discuss it. I don't always agree with your views but I really respect your knowledge.
#2 I think it's really hard for my kids to watch this happening to their mom. It's scary. Can you imagine waking up to or walking in the front door to a bald mother who's sometimes very sick? It must be very disconcerting. And then, to know that stupid people are saying stupid things to her? I think I would rant, too. Think about how much you love your mother and how frustrating this situation would be. I also love the response to his comment. I don't agree with either of you but I love that these comments were posted.
#3 My Scotty loves to stir things up and I do encourage him. I love that he has opinions and that he comments on my blog. Keep it up, baby! People who have opinions are so much more interesting to be around. The person who responded is one of them, too. Oh, how I wish who anonymous is. I appreciate you, whoever you are.

I loved my sister, Karen's, comment on religion. She said "Religion is personal. If you don't like it fine. It's not worth a rant. Try to remember that this is what has always been the basis of major conflicts and WAR." Oh, smart girl! It really is personal and I'm betting what I believe some others believe and some will think I'm going to hell for believing. That's a whole other subject, though, isn't it? LOL!!

On a lighter note, Karen also said "Going to Dairy Queen, eh?? I guess you forgot to tell everyone that you BLACKMAILED us into taking you! HA HA HA". Well.....that did slip my mind, at the time. Really, it did. And, Karen, I don't think I blackmailed you for the Dairy Queen, anyway, did I? I'm pretty sure your blackmail was to take me to "The Donut Shop" or to take me down the street to talk to that cute boy Jay or get me a ride in the Commers van or take me roller skating with you or hang out with you and Allanah and your totally cool friends who said the "f" word. I had different blackmails for each one of you. Well? You shouldn't have given me the ammunition! ROFL!!

Oh and I should add roller skating with my sisters and brother to the cherish list. I can't hear "we are family" or any Michael Jackson song from "Off the Wall" without thinking of roller skating and knowing that it was so fun and that I was so pathetic at it and you two looked so smooth. Oh! By the way...I really thought some roller skating expert would come and see the two of you and you'd get to go be professional roller skaters and make us all rich. See? I didn't just think that stuff for me...or even just think it in my childhood. I was 16 when I thought this. ROFL!!! I'm so weird!!

OK! This has certainly been long enough. An update on how I'm feeling - I'm feeling pretty good. I had my Herceptin treatment on Thursday. It's pretty quick - about 45 minutes. Oh! You know what? All this time this is how it goes: I go in and they prep my port for insertion. Then they insert the "thingy" into the port. It hurts but not in a "holy shit!" kinda way. More in a "ouchy wa wa" kinda way. You know? OK, so on Thursday, I'm being kinda whiny. I'm kinda sick of going to this place and I'm sick of being stared at (yah, that's still happening) and I'm sick of having this ugly fucking port and I'm just really sick of cancer. So, they tell me that there's a freezing spray they could have been using all this time. I was like "Why didn't you tell me this before?" And they say "You weren't such a wimp before." Shit! I shoulda been a whiny wimp all this time and not the stoic "I'll get through this" person I've been. So from now on I'm gonna make them do the spray. It was wayyyy better!

On the physical side? I now have to draw on my own eyebrows. I'm not very good at it so if anyone sees me and my eyebrows aren't even? Please tell me. LOL!!

Kim, thanks for all the cards. I can't tell you how much they mean to me. Lifts my spirits every time I get one!!

I also want to add a personal note: Helga, call me if you want. You can't say anything I haven't thought or said. It's scary and only someone who's been through it can know what you're going through. I had a conversation with my friend's mom and it was the best thing I could have done. Or...find someone who's going through it or has gone through it and talk. I didn't think it would help me but it really, really did. We are now in a club that we don't want to be in and it fucking sucks. It really fucking sucks. I know. I would give anything not to be in this club. Hang in there.

Take care everyone!
TTFN

Cherisher

2008-01-31T08:14:00.001-05:00

Ok, Ok, I might have made up the word Cherisher but in my own, personal dictionary it is described as "one who cherishes". I think it's a good word.

Anyway, I have decided I have been and always will be a cherisher. Here are some moments from my life I have cherished.

- when I was a little girl, every Saturday night my dad would watch Hockey Night in Canada. I can hear the theme song in my head as I type. I would always be in the room, playing. But, eventually I would end up on his knee with my head on his chest. I could hear the game going on and hear his heart beating at the same time. I would fall asleep this way and the next morning I would wake up in my own bed knowing he had carried me and tucked me in.

- When I lived in Belleville we had a rink in the park behind our house. There was a "hockey" rink and there was a "skating" rink. I sometimes had the skating rink all to myself and would sing the song "Ben" (Michael Jackson song) and skate my little heart out. I always thought some big talent scout from the Ice Capades would drive along and see me skating so beautifully and make a star out of me.

- Going on errands on Saturdays with my dad. We would go by the butcher shop and almost always go by the bait shop where they sharpened his skates in the winter and we bought bait in the summer. Then in the afternoons we'd go skating on the bay in the winter or fishing in the summer and I always caught the most fish.

- Lazing in bed with my mom. Sitting in her "hole" on the couch while she would read a magazine or book or do a crossword and I would either read or watch tv.

- The cottage. Everything about it. Fishing from the canoe. The Loons. Swimming. Washing our hair in the lake. Making up routines on the swings with my sister, Kim. The frogs.....my dad would get us to catch frogs to use as bait. Then my sister, Karen would get us to sneak outside in the middle of the night to let them go. My dad would get up to go fishing early the next morning and would have to use worms as bait 'cause all the frogs were "gone". ROFL!!

- Going anywhere with my sister, Kim. I'd beg her to take me anywhere she was going and she always made me feel so special. She also taught me how to cook.

- Getting my brother, Steve, to take me to Dairy Queen.

- Lazy days by our pool - right from high school all the way through until I had kids. I loved those lazy days.

- My Grandma Irvine's kitchen, when all the relatives would gather in the kitchen and chat and cook. My Aunt Vi would sit in the rocker and I'd sprawl across her lap and make her scratch my back for as long as she could. Then, my cousin, Judy and I would go outside and practice baton for hours.

- Softball. My dad coached me.

- Cheerleading. I loved it more than words can say.

- My wedding. A beautiful, perfect day.

- Watching Lindsey being born.

- Snuggling in with my newborn babies for a nap.

- Sunday afternoons swimming at the Y with Andrew and the boys.

- Disney the first time. Magical. The boys were 6, 7 & 8. It was the perfect time to go. Andrew's sister Hilary came with us so we had one adult per kid. We drove from Canada down to Florida and even that was fun. I think it was the best vacation of my life.

- Watching my kids play soccer and hockey. Especially the year when all three played hockey on two teams together and Andrew coached one of the teams. We were so busy but I love love loved it!

- Watching my kids in plays and musicals. Especially the year when Jeff was the host of the entire production and Scotty did a solo - New York, New York. He was only in grade 5 and it was so brave of him to do that and he sang so well. Heaven.

- Debbie. Going on "girl vacations" and just chatting on the phone. I am so lucky to have this girl in my life!

- Ireland with Andrew. Paris by myself. Aruba with Andrew for his 40th birthday. Amazing.

- Spending time with Andrew. In the kitchen, in the car, anywhere.

- Phone calls from my kids when they're away at college.

This all came about because someone told me that maybe I got cancer to make me remember to cherish the small things. I told them I have always cherished the small things because they may seem small at the time but they're huge in the realm of life. We don't need to get "sick" to realize this so I've pooh poohed that idea away but I wanted to share some of the times I've cherished with you. Such wonderful memories.

Have a great day!
ttfn

Miss America

2008-01-27T14:49:00.000-05:00

The Miss America pageant was on last night. My favourite pageant. I'm a pageant junkie. What made it even better this year? There was a reality show prior to the pageant with all 52 girls! So...you really got to know a little bit about them. My favourite was Miss Washington - she came in third, I think. Anyway, this pageant even comes with a talent segment. I love it. Anyway, just thought I'd share about that excitement.

Andrew & Kevin painted our bedroom this weekend. We went with gold paint. It's really nice.

I'm in quite a bit of pain. Muscle and bone pain. Two different things but both bothersome. We slept in Jeff's bed last night and will tonight. Now I remember why we got a new bed and gave that one to him. LOL!!

Have a great Sunday, all!

TTFN!

Tom Cruise

2008-01-26T12:23:00.000-05:00

OMG! Have you seen the Tom Cruise interview/video? Here's a link:

http://gawker.com/5002269/the-cruise-indoctrination-video-scientology-tried-to-suppress

Watching this video is like watching his movie Vanilla Sky. The whole way through? All you're thinking is WTF is he talking about. He's insane. Gorgeous but insane.

TTFN!

I'm awake, again!

2008-01-25T02:09:00.001-05:00

It's 2 am. I've been up since 1 am. I guess this is going to happen every night after chemo. ugh. I've made myself a huge pot of Sleepytime tea. Only problem is? If it works and makes me sleepy I'll wake up and have to pee a gazillion times. Well, that might be an overstatement but you know what I mean.

I've been thinking about how much chemo has changed my life. It's just shocking when I think about it. I got an e-mail the other day. One of those that asks cute questions like "what's you favourite colour" and stuff like that. I love those things and just don't understand why everyone doesn't. Really, what's better than answering questions about...ME! ROFL!! Anyway, a couple of the questions really hit me. One was "What do you want to do before you die?". Now pre-cancer my answer would have been travel the world or live in Europe or become a millionaire. Know what my answer was? To live long enough to see my children get married. Wow. That's really my answer. Another question was "What are you most afraid of?". Pre-cancer answer would have been snakes or one of my kids getting hurt or the dark. Now? Dying too young. That was my actual answer - and by too young I really only mean before 67. I don't know why 67 but that's too young. But really, in my mind? In the next 5 years. The chances of recurrence are highest in the first 5 years. Shoot, Kevin will still be in college by then. None of the boys will (probably) be married and I sure as hell probably won't have any grandbabies by then. That is way too young to die.

Sad, eh? I know. I'm not morose (usually) and I don't dwell on this whole thing it's just that when stuff like that comes up? I really am a very different person than I was 4 months ago and I know my family feels the same. This can't help but change us and our outlook on life and death.

On a happier note, we are not letting this change our lives, too much. On my good weekends we really try to get out and do something. On my bad weekends we just try to do some small thing like go for a ride in the car or go for a walk around the block. I can't say it makes me appreciate life more because I already appreciated life. A lot. But it is making me step up my timeline in all things - except maybe laundry and cleaning the house. I still procrastinate those things. ROFL!!

On a funny note, my dog. When this happens and I'm up in the middle of the night? He looks at it as a time for him. He gets me to feed him (he eats and drinks very loudly) and then let him out (he barks loudly to come in) and then he thinks I should play with him (which involves him running around the house like a mad-man squeaking his toys and I'm supposed to chase him - not gonna happen!). Seriously. He doesn't care that it's now 2:30 in the morning and other people are sleeping. OMG!! He's so cute! Maybe I should give him some Sleepytime tea. LOL!!

Well, that's all for tonight. I really could go on but it would be the longest post in history and I'm going to go play games on pogo.com, so I will say
G'nite Everybody

and keep on remembering
She's a little bit country
He's a little bit rock and roll
you know the rest and if you don't?
you should and I'll sing it to you!
LMFAO!!

Chemo Day

2008-01-24T11:22:00.000-05:00

It's chemo day again. This will be chemo #6 out of 8. I just do the one drug (Taxol) this time. It takes about 3 hours, maybe more if I have an allergic reaction again.

OK, so what I do when I'm coming up to the weekend after chemo (I call them my "bad weekends") is I tape/dvr lots of tv shows and some movies. Some is really mindless stuff (home improvement stuff) and others are really great movies (my choice this weekend is Brokeback Mountain which I haven't seen, yet). So I'm all ready for my bad weekend, right?

Well, after all this time? Andrew's decided to paint our bedroom! I'm very excited. I've got the paint all ready to go (after buying several colours and spending lots of money on paint I'll never use - I finally decided on tan/gold). Then it occurs to me....if he's painting the bedroom this weekend? How can I watch all my tv shows? Well, I can't. boo! hiss! that just sucks. But...on the other hand I do get my bedroom painted so that's good. But on the other hand, he's going to be busy painting with Kevin and I won't have anything to do. But on the other hand my bedroom's going to look so great and the next bad weekend I have I'll be in a really great bedroom. I feel like Tevye from Fiddler on the Roof going back and forth like this. LOL!!

Anyway, if anyone knows what to do with gallons of paint that you bought thinking they were going to be great on the wall and then, when you do a sample patch, it's not exactly what you wanted (well, no where close to what you wanted), let me know.

Have a great day, all!
TTFN!

My Rambling Thoughts

2008-01-21T11:29:00.000-05:00

I gotta put up a new picture. That one's not at all accurate any more. I'm bald, now and Andrew's grown back some of his plus a goatee. He's hot - In my humble opinion, anyways!! LOL!!

We had a pretty lazy Sunday. Got some errands done and got a new computer. Boy! You don't realize how slow the old one was till you get a new one. I found some scarves, finally. I know this sounds really, really weird but I had a dream on Friday night that told me to go to the flea market to find a scarf. Now, I really hate the flea market. Why do they call it a flea market, anyway? Are there fleas there? Weird. Anyway, we had just about given up when I saw some really nice scarves. I'm so excited. I definitely like wearing scarves better than hats. Anyway, it's really weird that this dream told me to go to the flea market and I really did find them. Andrew doesn't even question this "stuff" anymore. He just goes with the flow, now.

You know what I realized? I only have 3 more chemos!! That means six more weeks and I'm done the chemo! This is really exciting to me. I've even started watching the "hair commercials" again on tv. I had stopped for a while. I would change the channel. I'm also looking at hair styles in the mall thinking about the style I'll want my hair when it grows back. Oh! You know what's really bugging me now, though? People with bad hair. WTF! They have hair! Do something with it! We were at the mall yesterday and I saw some really atrocious hair and I thought "you jerk - you've at least got hair. Do something nice with it or cover it up." Oh! I'm becoming so judgemental, eh?

Speaking of judgemental. That's my "thing" this year. People need to stop being so judgemental. Really. Who cares what other people do? We should not. If they want to spend all their money on a vacation instead of fixing up their house (that's me!) who's it hurting, really? This came up several times recently - not my vacation vs house, thing. I was talking to someone who really, really felt it's important for teens to work. He felt very strongly about it. Well, I disagree for my kids. I repeat - for my kids. Especially here in the states. If kids get great grades here? They go to a state school for free. That's right - free!! If they get good grades they go for 75% off. That's still really great and adds up to $4,000 per year and then some ('cause there are scholarships, too). So...in my humble opinion, it was better for my kids to concentrate on their studies and play hockey (kept them out of trouble on Friday & Saturday nights) than to get a job. Now, that's just my kids. Ya know? Ya see where I'm going with this? What's right for some is right for them and even if it isn't it's a lesson learned and isn't that what life's all about? Learning lessons? So no one should be judging anyone else 'cause it's all about life lessons, right? Who cares if one person spends all their time on a boat, golf course, in front of the tv, at the beach, walking their dog, etc etc.... It's their life.

Anyway, that's what I'm concentrating on this year. No judgements. So... next time I see someone with bad hair I will not judge. Maybe they just didn't have time. Maybe it was all they could do to get up and out of the house. Maybe they just like it that way? Who am I do say, right?

One last thing. Did y'all see the finale for Amazing Race last night? My very favourite team won! That never happens! I love that show. And now? American Idol has started and Big Brother's starting up again in a few weeks. So exciting for me! I love reality tv! See? Now I'm not even going to care that the writer's are on strike! I've got Ellen and The Girls Next Door and American Idol and Big Brother and Don't Forget the Lyrics and I'm sure Hell's Kitchen will start up again soon...yah!!

OK, now that I've given out all my secrets of watching bad tv, I guess I'll sign off for today....oh! see? that was judgemental against me. It's not bad tv. I love it!! teehee!!

TTFN!!

Still Sick

2008-01-19T16:23:00.000-05:00

Wow, this cold is really holding on! Andrew's sick, too. He worked all the way through until Friday and finally took Friday off. Then....the dummy! - I say that with the utmost love and affection. He worked most of Friday morning. He has this thing called Skype. It's a phone through the computer and he can talk to Europe really cheap and it's installed in his laptop so he can work from home and on the road. Finally at around noon I yelled at him and told him to go to bed or he's gonna end up with pneumonia!! The yelling started me coughing so we both went for a nap.

Today we're feeling about the same. We had to go buy a new computer. Ours just stopped working. I hate that. It was working one second. The next? dead. I'm trying to save up for a new tv and that damn computer really set me back. You see, I still have one of those "old" tv's. Not big screen. Not flat screen. Just one of those old, big backed tv's. I really want a new one but....here's where it gets expensive, my old living room cabinet won't fit a nice new tv so I need to not just get a new tv but also get a tv stand. And..of course, I don't just want a tv stand, I want a whole big unit to display pictures and "stuff". That can get pretty expensive. This isn't even a "keeping up with the Joneses" thing 'cause, I'm pretty sure the Joneses had a flat screen tv 3 freaking years ago. This is more a I'm getting old and need a bigger tv thing. ROFL!!!

Oh! On the staring front. I've noticed people don't stare as much if I wear scarves as much as hats. Now, if I could just find some scarves. We looked again today with no luck.

On the kid front. Kevin went and played hockey last night!! His first time playing since he broke his leg. I guess it went ok. I didn't ask too many questions. He's a big boy and he has to decide for himself whether it's safe or not. He definitely knows the consequences but I'm really happy for him. Scott's home this weekend - Martin Luther King Day on Monday so it's a long weekend for him. Love that. Jeff. Oh, my Jeff. He left on Tuesday for school. Came back on Thursday 'cause he'd forgotten something. Then, he picked up something else but forgot the thing he'd come for so he came back on Friday (with his sweet little girlfriend, Chanel) to pick up the thing he forgot. Again, he forgot that and left his cell phone so they had to come back again!! OMG!! It was pretty funny! I think he just likes all the hugs he gets from his momma and forgets things on purpose! LOL!! Right, Jeffy?!!

And..I like Jeff's girlfriend, Chanel, even more than before. She knows all the words to the Chitty Chitty Bang Bang song!! OMG!! That makes me so happy to know there's someone else out there who loves that movie as much as I do!

I also must add a thank you to my sister, Kim. Every week, sometimes twice a week she sends me a card of inspiration. Something just to boost my spirit. Ya know? I don't even know I need a boost till I get these cards and they just lift me right up!! I love it and, Kim, I love you so much. Thank you for knowing what I need when I don't even know I need it myself!!

OK, that's all for me. Hope everyone's having a terrific weekend!
TTFN

Cold & Flu Season Sucks!

2008-01-16T15:12:00.000-05:00

Cold & Flu Season sucks! - especially if you're having chemo.

Last time I wrote everything was going swimmingly - no nausea although I had been up all night. Well, that went on throughout all of Friday. No napping and not tired. When I went in for my Neulasta shot on Friday (that's the shot that keeps me making the good blood cells) they told me the wakefulness was from all the steroids they gave me. That makes total sense. I remember when my asthma was bad and I was on tons of steroids I spent endless nights just lying in bed awake.

Friday was lovely. My momma and I went for lunch. We went to a place called Jack Willie's. One of my favourite places to go - it's got a huge outdoor tiki bar on the water. Then we went to look for more scarves to use as head coverings but we couldn't find any. They were all scarves that were long rectangles whereas I'm looking for large square shaped scarves.

The next day I started to feel some pains in my muscles and bones. Ouch. Took some pills for both of them but mostly stayed in bed all day.

Sunday Andrew & I went for a drive. We started at the mall to look for scarves. Again, no luck. Not a single square scarf. Weird. We then got back in the car and meandered down to the beach. We ended up going to a couple of open houses at some condos on Clearwater Beach. Very Nice places. I could see myself living there someday. When we came home I was in lots of pain in my muscles and bones so I went to bed and dreamed of living on in a condo on the water. Nice.

Woke up Monday morning with a killer of a cold. Lots of coughing - that barky cough I get from my asthma days. This is worrisome because the combination of chemo and a cold can turn into pneumonia very quickly for me. So I called the doctor and got an antibiotic and some great cough medicine and stayed in bed until now. It's now Wednesday afternoon and I'm feeling half-decent.

So...that's all I've been doing. Lots of aches and pains and coughing and feeling gross. Nothing exciting, that's for sure.

TTFN!

Chemo 5 Done!

2008-01-11T05:20:00.000-05:00

As I write this I must tell you that it is 5:30 in the morning and....I've been awake since 1:00 am. How much does that suck?!!

I'll start at the very beginning, a very good place to start.

24 hours ago? I was sleeping. In fact I slept all the way through until 9:30 am. Nice. When I woke up I realized it was "chemo day". Yuck. It was the start of new drugs so I had to get there at 11:30 instead of 2:00 so I realized I had to get moving. Mom and dad picked me up at 11:15 and off we went with magazines and suduko and crosswords and blankets and drinks in hand. We were going to be there for 4 1/2 hours so we needed "stuff".

I don't know if I've ever explained how chemo goes. First you go in and get a "finger prick" blood test. Painless. They test to make sure you're well enough to have the chemo. Then they say yes and start the chemo. You go to the chemo room . There's about 20 recliners in the room and you choose where you want to sit. They always have lots of hard candies around the room and lots of magazines to read. I take my own magazines because I'm a "germaphobe" and don't like to read magazines that other people have touched (especially men who rarely wash their hands after going to the bathroom - ewww!!). Anyway, then they start up the chemo (through the port). They always start with other stuff first. The first four times it was always an anti-nausea drug. For these last four it's various drugs but it includes a steroid and lots of Benedril. People tend to get allergic reactions to these particular chemo drugs so Benedril is given to counter-act that. Then they started the Herceptin. All went well. Then they started the Taxol. This is the one where you could get an allergic reaction....and I did. The nurse was standing there talking to me and she saw that I was getting hives all over my chest and neck. She stopped the Taxol, upped the Benedril and, after about 10 minutes started the Taxol again at a slower drip. Then, this is very interesting, she started "something else" and she and my mom are chatting and I get, well? A funny feeling. Down there. I'm like, "ahh Kit? I'm getting, well....." And she says "Is your crotch burning?". I'm like, "Well, sorta, yah" She says "It happens to all the women". Interesting. My mom says "What about the men, what happens to them?" Kit says "nothing". Then we got into a discussion about mammograms and the boob squeezing and how if men had to get their scrotums squeezed down to be as thin as a sheet of paper, there would definitely be a new test within a very short period of time.

Well, needless to say, all the stopping and slow drip made my session go much longer. It was fun, though. No nausea to speak of. My daddy went and got us Wendy's for lunch. I had my momma's undivided attention for the whole time. The nurse chatted with us and we laughed and cried and laughed some more. Really, if you have to have chemo? This is a good way to go! Anyway, we didn't get out of there until just before 5:00 so it was a 5 1/2 hour session. I was exhausted when we got home so I went to lie down.

Have you ever had Benedril? Well, I gotta tell you, this stuff makes my brain "buzz". A very high pitched buzz that won't go away. It also makes my brain "race". Thoughts, just random thoughts, going through my brain very quickly. Annoying. So, instead of napping I just lay there. I tried to watch tv but my brain was too buzzy and racey (not porn racy!) so that didn't work. I finally got to sleep around 6:30 and woke up at 7:00 - not much of a nap.

I had called Andrew and told him to take care of dinner. Well, the poor guy didn't get home till after 8:00! Long story that includes a 1/2 hour wait in the pharmacy line, not getting what he needed then another wait in the Walmart 10 item line where a woman had 30 items (he counted) and then going to Subway to pick up dinner but their bank machine was down and he had no cash so off to Quizno's and finally home. Boy, was he was grumpy when he got home. He promptly poured himself some wine. Interesting thing about chemo? The smell of alcohol is just gross!! No kissing for him.

We went to bed at the usual time and I woke up at 1:00 am. I tossed and turned till 2:00. Learned something "good to know". If Andrew's snoring? I just have to cough and it wakes him up and he switches position. Anyway, I got up and went to the living room and read until 4:30. Went back to bed sure I'd sleep. Wrong. Checked the clock at 5:00. Again at 5:03. Again at 5:06. Then I realized I was checking the clock every 3 minutes so it turned into a game. I started purposely trying to check it every 3 minutes. I only made it 2 minutes so I started counting to 60 three times. Well, that got old fast so here I am writing in my blog. My dog keeps talking to me. Darn dog.

So, that's it for now. Kevin's up getting ready for school. Andrew's up in the shower so I guess I'll go have some coffee and watch some tv and hope that I'll be able to nap today.

TTFN!

Good Weekend!

2008-01-07T09:49:00.000-05:00

Well, here I go again - yo yo girl. If I knew how to upload music on to this blog you would be hearing The Osmonds singing "Just Like a YoYo" right now. I know, I know, y'all are very sad that I don't know how to do this but my cousin, Judy, knows how and will e-mail me the directions so I can do this in the very near future, right Jude?

I had a fantastic weekend! On Friday night we went to the Olive Garden for dinner. Our last dinner before Scott heads out to college on Saturday. So sad for me. I hate when my kids are gone. I also hate when they're here for too long, though, so it's good that he's going back, really. Anyway, it was a lovely dinner out. I just love my kids and hubby and they're all so funny I almost spit out my drink a few times. The only down thing? Again.....people staring. It's really weird, I tell you. We walked in and there were a lot of people standing around waiting for tables. So many of them were staring. I watched this one girl look at me, tap her boyfriend/husband on the shoulder (he had his back to me), she actually pointed at me and he turned around to look! Then, we gave our name in and Andrew and I went to the bar for a drink. We walked through a family (all adults). I looked back to see if the boys were coming with us and I saw this family all staring at me. I said to Andrew "OMG. Look, they're all looking at me. They are, right?" ('cause by now? I think I must be crazy and people aren't actually looking at me - it's all in my head - no pun intended!!). But he looked and sure enough, six adults standing there staring at me. Then I looked towards the bar but just had to look back to see if they were still looking at me? Sure enough, now this is about 30 seconds later, I look back and one of the women is still staring at me. Now, I must admit, I did look cute so it coulda been that. I have this fuzzy pink hat that I just love. LOL! Anyway, we got a seat at the bar, I ordered my drink and our buzzer went off to tell us the table was ready. Well this was weird 'cause they had said it would be 40 minutes and it had only been 5. I asked the couple sitting beside us how long they'd been there and they said 45 minutes. She joked and said it musta been my cute pink hat that got us in so quickly. LOL! Then, we were walking to our table and a teen at a table we walked by said "It's not that cold out" - about me wearing a hat - I thought that was pretty funny! Anyway, the night was good other than the staring!

Then on Saturday we did laundry all day. By the time it was done Scott decided to stay another night (he was going back to college Saturday to play hockey at 7 pm but by the time he woulda got there he woulda been too late). yah!! I swear, I did not do that on purpose - he had a lot of laundry!! Anyway, a friend of mine was having a dinner party on Saturday night so Andrew and I went to that. It was very nice. Weird, at one point. There were four couples and, we girls, as girls do, were in the kitchen chatting. The conversation came to hair and they're chatting away about their hair. It wasn't rude of them or anything it was just weird 'cause usually? I'd be right in there talking about how thick my hair is, making them run their hands through it so they can really understand just how thick it is and chatting about highlights and perms and lowlights and oh! I love hair-talk! This was, truly, the first time I've had a hair conversation going on around me that I just didn't participate in. Weird. Anyway, the evening was completely enjoyable!

Sunday. The Canadian Callin's had sent us down some gift certificates for Christmas to our favourite restaurant on the beach. Yesterday was a perfect day. Not a cloud in the sky and the whole family home. So, we called my mom and dad to join us and off to the beach we went. It was perfect. First off, we found a parking spot that we didn't have to pay for! This is huge!! Clearwater Beach? I didn't even know there was such a thing as a free parking spot! Anyway, we parked and wandered down to the beach. The sand is like walking in powder. So soft and warm. The water was cold. My mom kept saying it gets warmer but Kevin and I were pretty sure they were just numb and she couldn't feel then any more! LOL! We found two small sand dollars! I've never had that before! We saw a woman in a thong bikini - I've never seen that before, either! Then, we went and had some lunch. It's an outdoor place right on the beach. The weather was perfect, the food was so good, not a single person stared at me. Wonderful!

Sunday night Scotty went home. We watched some tv. Andrew didn't snore last night! I tell you! What more could a girl ask for?

Here's a chemo-weirdity for you. My nails hurt. I had heard they can turn brown (UGH!!) and sometimes even fall off. I think that might be happening. They truly hurt. I can't even open a can of pop anymore. Weird.

Anyway, the rest of my week....today through Thursday morning I'll do some business. Kevin goes to his Orthopedic surgeon today for another follow-up. He's hoping to get the ok to play hockey, I'm sure. Tomorrow I go for another heart test. I'm hoping the cute guy does it again! Thursday afternoon? Another chemo and the roller coaster starts again.

Have a great day, all!
TTFN!

Back on Track - Sorta

2008-01-04T10:43:00.000-05:00

Well, I'm back on track - sorta. I went to see the oncologist yesterday. Andrew came with me. This is how it went:

I have a total aversion to the doctor's office, now. Just walking in makes me want to wretch. There's this weird smell in the lobby. This is just stupid (I mean the smell not the aversion) because when people are on chemo they can get a very sensitive sense of smell. So to have any kind of smell in the lobby is just stupid. So....to not puke what I do is I take someone else with me. They go in and tell the receptionist I'm here and I wait outside. Doesn't matter what the weather, I wait outside - far away from the door because that smell wafts outside when the door opens. The person I'm there with waits for my name to be called and then they come get me. I take a deep breath and walk very quickly through the lobby into the office while holding my cute little nose. So far no one's gotten in the way but God help them if they do - I'll just bowl them over!!

Now, the plan, in my head was that Andrew would wait in the lobby until I had finished with my blood test - remember my first chemo appointment and the ambulance and Andrew? I was having none of that, again. But...Andrew decided to come in right away. And...he did fine. No ambulance needed. Good thing 'cause I really needed him this time. I can't tell you how easily I cry right now. I'm just so...needy right now. This is a really weird thing, for me, because as anyone who knows me knows I'm Miss Independence. I can do anything I want and if no one comes with me? I'll go by myself. I've gone to many hockey tournaments and been the only woman there (with three kids and only two parents? It has to go that way sometimes). I've explored Paris by myself and Stockholm by myself and I am very, very independent. And pride myself on it, too. This doctor appointment? and my last chemo, actually...I swear...if someone wasn't with me? I would have left. In fact that last chemo? If my mother hadn't walked into my bedroom and made me go? I would have skipped it.

Anyway, back to the appointment. The nurse, Andrew, came in to take some blood. They do it out of the end of your finger - doesn't hurt at all. He was having a really hard time getting any (note to self - drink lots of water on "doctor days"). My Andrew did fine - read a magazine and didn't look. The blood tests came out bad so the doctor made nurse Andrew redo them. All was ok. So, as Andrew was doing the first blood test I told him I was considering being a "Chemo Dropout". He laughed. I said "No, I'm serious. I can't do this anymore." He looked really surprised. Then the doctor came in. She made a big to-do (to-do is not a word according to spellcheck but I'm leaving it in hoping you know what I mean) about husband Andrew being there. It was pretty funny. She asked how I was doing and I told her I was considering becoming a Chemo Dropout. She, too, laughed. I said I was serious and why was everyone laughing when I said this. She looked surprised and said I'd done extremely well up until now - the model patient. Always smiling and happy. I thought to myself "Holy Shit! I shoulda been an actress!!" Seriously! I really should have!

At this point? I lost it. I started crying and blabbering on about how I hate chemo and it makes me so sick and tired and the burping of chemicals is just gross and all food tastes disgusting and I'm going into early menopause which sucks and I'm starting to get these stupid hot flashes which makes getting a good night's sleep impossible because I'm either too hot or too cold and I'm really really sick of all this and I don't want to continue with the chemo. Literally? Think of me saying that and crying and blowing my nose and having that ugly "cry face" and that's what I looked like and sounded like. She really was shocked that this was how I felt but she was so sweet. She said it was to be expected and everyone feels the same way. But....I'm done the really bad chemo part and the next part shouldn't be as bad (I'm finished the first drug and now move on to something called Taxol for the next four treatments). She told me to take it one day at a time. Try the Taxol. Just try it. See how it goes. So...I'm going to try it and see how it goes. New side effects with this one. Not as much nausea but I will get "finger tingling" and muscle pains.

Then I asked about the Herceptin. This is the new drug on the scene. It specifically targets my "type" of cancer (HER2 positive) which is a really aggressive type of cancer. She said of all the things I'm doing the Herceptin is the most important one - so I'm on board for that. I have to do it every 3 weeks for a full year. The worst part of that is that I know I have to go to that office for a whole year and, if this aversion to that office stays with me? That'll suck.

Then I asked about the Radiation. I don't really get why I have to do radiation. If I'm doing chemo and the chemo is getting any renegade cancer cells and then the Herceptin targets the HER2 cells, why do I have to do radiation? Anyway, she told me that my choice was either mastectomy (take the whole boob off) or lumpectomy along with radiation. I had the lumpectomy so I have to have radiation. period. I kinda remember that but I also know that was when I was in the no-chemo zone. When I thought I didn't have to have chemo.

Then I asked about these stupid hot flashes. Is there anything I can take to make them go away? She said I can't take anything with hormones - ever again. So the only option for the hot flashes is to take an anti-depressant. Well, that's just dumb. So, for now, I'm going to roll with the hot flashes. Taking an anti-depressant for hot flashes just seems silly. We would all agree I am not depressed. Mad? yup. Sad that this is happening to me? yup. Depressed? Not. Now, don't get me wrong. If I were depressed I would take them. But, to tell ya the truth? I am one of the most optimistic people I've ever known so if I need anti-depressants we're all in need of them. ROFL!!!

So, in the end. From the beginning of this whole thing. I went from having cancer and needing 6 weeks of radiation. That's it, that's all. to..... 8 rounds of fucking chemo, then 6 weeks of radiation (this is an every day thing, people. ugh!!) and having Herceptin for a full year. I guess it's just hitting me how long this is all going to go on. I mean, I'll still be doing this next year at Christmas time. For Pete's sake! again. ugh!

Long post, eh? I'm going on from here, too, so you might just want to go get a coffee - oh, for you Canadians you might want to go get a beer ROFL!!! I'm so funny!

I saw on John Edwards (the medium not the politician) yesterday a woman who had lost her son. He asked her how she had gotten through it so well and she said "Always Blessings, Never Loses". This really hit me. Made me cry, actually. I've decided that is my new motto. Don't get me wrong. I don't think getting cancer is a blessing. I know people say, "it will make you appreciate you're life, more". Oh bullshit. I already appreciated my life. I already went through life threatening asthma. I didn't need another illness to make me appreciate life. But...there must be something. So I have adopted that as my new motto. That and "Party first, throw up later". ROFL!! I'm just kidding, people!! Just kidding! I will never drink another shot as long as I live.

So now I'm going to list the things that will get me through all this shit. This is for me. I know this post is way too long but I really have to do this for me. So I can look at it on a down day and get some inspiration. Here goes:

1) my husband. My sweet, sweet Andrew who has supported me unfailingly through this and still lusts after my scarred body.

2) My children. Enough said. Any mother understands that.

3) Donny (and Marie) in July. I am finally seeing my Donny. Now listen. This is really exciting. I've done the math. He will be alone onstage for one third of the concert. Marie will have her time alone. Donny will have his time alone and then they'll do some "together" songs, too. I'm going to try to e-mail him and request he do Love of My Life.

4) Vegas in March. When I'm all done with chemo. I'm focusing on this one harder than you can imagine. Andrew's going on business and I'm going with him. We're staying at a beautiful hotel and it's the best of both worlds. I get to spend the evenings with him (and Paul - his business associate who has a huge heart and a good sense of humour - two things I love about anyone) but I get the days all to myself. I don't have to share my time with anyone. I can lay by the pool if I want (and if I can find a bathing suit that covers up my ugly gross port), shop, read, people watch, play the nickle slots. Anything I want.

The distant future and maybes

- living in Europe. Oh!! I want to do this!
- travel - anywhere! I love to see new things and experience new people.
- learning French
- retiring with Andrew
- grandchildren
- summering in Canada
- snorkeling in the Caribbean. Maybe even living in the Caribbean.
- starting up my scholarship (it will be called The United Caucasian Boys College Fund. Basically an average white boys only college fund. When I was looking for scholarships for my boys, as average white boys there are very few scholarships available to them. If they were girls? lots. Black boys? tons. Black girls? OMG!! even more! Any kind of minority? many. If they were freakishly smart? lots. But as average white boys who did very well in school but not valedictorian well and did well in hockey but not NHL-well, there were very few available - I'm talking 5 in our county as opposed to 33 if they were black. So, my goal is to start up the UCBCF fund.)
- volunteering with the Turtles (not ninja) and Manatee groups in our area. I want to be one of those people who go out and mark the turtle nests and make sure the babies get out to the water. I'm not sure what I would do for the manatees but I do love them and want to help in whatever way is possible.
- volunteer for this group who I can't remember the name of right now (Chemo brain) but they help girls who are pregnant and don't know what to do and help them tell their parents and, if they have the baby and want to dump it I would meet them and take the baby - no questions asked - and take the baby to the hospital.

That's it. Those are my life goals and those are the reasons I must live and get through this. Pretty good, eh? I can do it! I can do it! I can do it!!

Have a great day everyone. I will, too!
TTFN!

Some Days Are For Crying

2007-12-31T14:18:00.000-05:00

These past two days (Saturday and Sunday) were spent crying. Non-stop crying. I actually thought I might be having a mental break down I cried so much.

I had chemo on Thursday and immediately felt yucky. Woke up Friday feeling yucky. This really threw me because for the past 3 treatments I've been ok on Friday. By the time I woke up on Saturday morning I felt like shit. The more I got into the day the shittier I felt. And...the sadder. Andrew had a lunch meeting he had to go to so I was left at home with the boys for about 4 hours. Now, my boys, as spectacular as they are, are boys. And so they should be. I don't like to moan and groan to them. That, to me, would not be fair. So I slept lots and felt shitty and got sadder with every passing moment.

Well, by Sunday morning? I was a wreck. I felt like crap. Here's the scenario. Nausea happens. They have pills for that, right? I've explained that before. What I didn't mention is that the pills:
#1 make you tired. Very tired. Take a nap for 3 hours tired.

#2 make you constipated. Very constipated. Cry constipated.

So...I try really hard not to take the nausea pills if I can help it. Well, if I don't take the nausea pills I feel like crap. If I do? I can't crap. Got it? Lovely, eh?

So, Sunday I'm feeling like crap and it all hits me. I'm only half way through chemo and I still have a year of herceptin left and 6 weeks of radiation (every fucking day for six fucking weeks) and I don't want to do this. I'm serious. I don't want to do this. I started getting a little hysterical. My men don't know what to do.

Here's what happens when a woman cries. First the men around her look at her. Just look at her. With this look on their face that says "Why is she crying and did I cause it?". Then, when they realize they didn't cause it? They want to make it go away. Just make it freaking go away!! So...they start with questions and answers. They try to "solve" the problem. This just makes it worse 'cause sometimes? You just have to cry. My poor men! They were so wonderful. I'm sitting there crying saying "That's it, I'm done. I can't do this anymore! Why are they poisoning me with chemo when I feel like I should be eating well and exercising and doing yoga and eating flax seed and broccoli and spinach?" And they're standing/sitting there looking at me not knowing what to do. I mean, really, what can they do?

Anyway, this went on all day yesterday. The crying.

This morning? my opinion actually has not changed. I really feel done with this. Now, don't get all panicky, people. What I mean is? I want to ask more questions. In my mind, right now, the chemo doesn't make any sense. I feel so unhealthy. When I feel nauseous eating well/nutritiously is the last thing on my mind. All I want is something soothing - usually in the form of some simple carb like white bread or a baby cookie. Well, that's not healthy is it? And exercise? I'm lucky to make it from the bedroom to the bathroom without feeling tired and crappy let alone getting out and walking. I dunno, this just doesn't seem like the best path to be on. It just doesn't. And then? A year of herceptin? Why? That will be my question? And then? 6 weeks of radiation? Again..why? I want the stats again on just how much this will do for me. I mean, after all this chemo why do I need radiation, too? It's not like they found the cancer in the lymph nodes, for Pete's sake.

Anyway, can you tell I'm in a bad mood and am not a happy camper?

So....I'm not asking any of you for advice and, frankly, would prefer not to have it. I know I sound bitchy but I just can't deal with other people's opinion's right now. I have an appointment on Thursday with the oncologist. She wants to go over the next protocol of chemo (a drug called taxol) and what it does and the side effects and she wants to talk about the herceptin. So...I'm not saying I'm done with chemo but I am saying I'm really fed up and have questions. Andrew will support me with whatever decision I make and will help me make it.

I hope everyone has a nice New Year's Eve. We're staying home. Cooking some steak and mushrooms and popping some nice Asti Spumanti and thanking our lucky stars we have a wonderful family and great friends. Happy New Year's Everyone!

Christmas Gone...Onto Chemo #4

2007-12-27T10:47:00.000-05:00

I hope everyone had a wonderful Christmas. Ours was lovely. Lots of cooking. Some present opening. I made a major faux pas. As most of you know, Santa doesn't fill adult stockings so Andrew & I fill each others. Well, one day we were out at Walmart & I kept picking little things up and saying "put this in my stocking". For some reason, I thought he had done the same. Turns out? Not so much! So....my poor man had one CD in his stocking and I grabbed a tangerine to fill it out a little more. I felt so guilty! But? I had some lovely things in my stocking! ROFL!!

The boys all did well. Kevin got an Ipod and a new sword, Scott got new skates and another guitar hero, Jeff got a bunch of fraternity clothes and gift cards, Andrew got a Lightening Jersey. Me? Andrew & I gave each other (and mom and dad) tickets to an Alan Jackson concert. The boys gave me, for my birthday and Christmas combined, a small pond in the backyard. I'm very excited about it. We went and got some of the stuff they need to get started and Kevin started digging the hole yesterday. It's the beginning of our landscape design for the backyard. Of course, money will decide how far we get, in the end, but I'm hoping for a more enjoyable backyard (which won't be hard since there's nothing back there right now except a lot of weeds!).

Christmas day we had Mom & Dad and The Halls for dinner. Again, very nice. The Halls are like family, now, so we can joke with them, enjoy them, just like family. I decided to change dinner up a little. We end up having the same dinner for Thanksgiving as for Christmas. Now, that was fine when we lived in Canada because those two dinners are a couple of months apart. But, now that we're in The States I find it redundant. So...I decided to try twice baked potatoes....for the first time! Listen, we had them on the sailboat this past weekend (Jean made them and said they were easy and she's a big liar - or a better cook!) and they were sooo good! I decided to try them for our dinner. Well, what a mistake. There's gotta be a trick to these things 'cause mine? Came out too garlicky, too cheesy and too gloppy. Is that a word? gloppy? Well, how 'bout too starchy? Anyway, they were yucky. A big fat flop. On Christmas day! Lesson? Don't try a new recipe on Christmas Day.

Now on to Chemo talk. I'm doing my fourth chemo this afternoon. That means I'm halfway through. I'll also be "done" with the first type of drug. They give you one type for the first four times and a different one for the second four. Apparently, the nausea for the second four isn't as bad but you do get more "pains" from the second four. We'll see.

Anyway, I was in the shower yesterday staring down at this new body that just won't let me forget I'm doing this damn treatment. First off, you know when you get in the shower and the first thing you do is lean your head back to get your hair wet? Well, still, after all these weeks, I lean back and put my hands up to move my hair around to get it all wet. Hello! I have no hair. Freaks me out every time. Now? I will talk about "other" hair. Listen, I got kinda excited at the prospect of "all" my hair falling out. Legs with no hair. Upper lip with no hair. Armpits with no hair. Well, apparently? The legs and upper lip didn't get the memo. Ugh! How the hell can my upper lip not get the memo but my eyebrows and my entire freaking head got it? Weird. Just weird.

Well, that's all for today. Wish me luck on my chemo!

TTFN!

Great Weekend!

2007-12-24T09:17:00.000-05:00

We had a great weekend!

Friday night we were supposed to go see Jim Brickman in concert. That fell through so we ended up sitting at home doing nothing. Just what we needed. Perfect.

Saturday we went over to the west coast to see Trevor and Jean Johnson. Trevor was Andrew's boss at Risdon many moons ago. Very important to stay in contact with special people from the past. Anyway, Jean and Trevor live on their sailboat. I really didn't know what to expect. We started out on a dinghy going out to the boat. The boat is in a marina but not at the dock - out about 100 yards out so you take a dinghy to get to the boat. We ate and drank and chatted and went out on the dinghy to a park and took a walk on the beach and ate and drank and chatted some more. A manatee showed up. Lots of dolphins wandered by. Really nice.

I don't think I could do what they do. Live on a boat. I admire them, though. It really takes a lot of hard work, persistence and knowledge. They head to The Bahamas just after New Years. It's only about 12 hours of sailing from Miami to The Bahamas. I didn't know that. Makes sense, though, since my flight was only 45 minutes. I'm a little jealous, too. They just take care of themselves out there. That would be nice to just take care of yourself for awhile. But, again, I don't think I could do it. I need my kids and parents and extended family and friends way too much. I need to connect with you people that I love so much.

I'm excited about Christmas. Today (Christmas Eve) we always eat exactly the same things (chicken wings, nacho dip that Kevin makes, spinach dip in pumpernickel bread and Andrew insists on veggies and dip to make it look at least a little healthy). Every year. We may go to a movie. We may stay home and watch White Christmas (Sisters, sisters, never such devoted sisters...Caring, sharing, every little thing that we are wearing....). Then, Christmas we open presents (we don't do Christmas big - everyone gets one thing from each other plus stockings) and spend the day together. Turkey dinner. Mom and Dad and The Halls are coming over. Lovely. Low key.

This is going to be a great time for me - healthwise - too. I'm in my period of feeling good and chipper. Yey! It'll be much better than Thanksgiving, thank goodness!

Have a wonderful Christmas Eve and Christmas, All!!

What a Dilemma!!

2007-12-21T08:14:00.000-05:00

And the dilemma is....who do I cheer for? I come across this same problem year after year. As most of you know I'm a huge Toronto Maple Leafs fan. Have been forever! That's a long time, people!! Then, when we moved to Tampa, it's really easy to get tickets to the games. And not expensive for really good seats, either (well, if you don't eat that is - more on that later). So I became a Lightening fan, too.

Problem comes? When they play each other. Who do I cheer for? I've seen them play each other three times. First time, I wore my Leafs Jersey. Cheered for my Leafies but? It just didn't feel right. Cheering against my Lightening boys. It was just wrong. So...the next time I went to see them play I wore my Lightening Jersey. Well, that was just wrong, too. Cheering against my Leafies (especially that cute Matts Sundin whom I love!). My team who I've loved forever.

I must add an aside, here. You know, it's hard being a Leafs fan. I mean. I love them and all, but seriously! They haven't been the winningest team around, you know? So, in order to be a Leafs fan? You really have to love this team 'cause it would be really easy to toss them aside and just be a Lightening fan who have a Stanley Cup under their belts in my lifetime whereas the Leafs? Well? I haven't gotten the satisfaction of seeing them win a Stanley Cup, ya know?

Anyway, I digress. So, you know what I did last night? I cheered for both teams. I wore my Lightening jersey and took my Leafs towels (I wanted to take my Leafs jersey but Scott said that would be "dumb" and who wants to be dumb, ya know?) and when my Leafies scored? I cheered and waved my towel! And when my Lightening scored (more than the Leafies)? I jumped up and down and high fived and hooted and hollered!! It was so fun! Especially when my Brad Richards and my Matts were both on the ice at the same time! Facing off against each other! Heaven!!

Ticketwise. We got 4 tickets for $150 about 18 rows up from the ice in the nice padded seats. Nice.

Foodwise. Jeez! We spent $60 on 4 cheeseburgers and 2 fries and 1 water, 1 pop and a small beer at 5 Guys. It was good food but holy cow! It shocked me. Literally. She says the total and I went "What? Holy Cow!" She must get that a lot 'cause she just smiled.

So, that was our night last night. As an aside I will say again. People sure can stare at a girl in a hat. I wore my cute pink fuzzy hat and, man! People can be so rude! It just makes me uncomfortable to go out in public. And? It makes me want to whip off the hat so badly. Now that would really shock them and be way more comfortable for me. It'll happen, I'm betting. It's gonna take: Me? in a bad mood. Them? probably an adult staring - someone who should really really know better. And then? I'm gonna whip off whatever's on my head and say something. I don't know what, but something.

Anyway, peeps. Have a great day today!
TTFN!

Sandy's Shit

Chemobrain - this is what I'm talkin' 'bout!!!

What, me worry?

10 weeks post-op

Four and a half Weeks Post-Op

I'm Bored

Getting a Hip Replacement

My Hips

When Will My Health Shit End?

I'm Done!!

I Dropped My Oncologist

The Antibiotics Are Kicking In!!

I'm Back and Sick....shit!

I'm Off to Canada!

One Year Ago & What I've Learned

Meme

Have I told you?

Can't Take the Smile Off My Face!!

I DON'T HAVE CANCER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

What A Strange Day.....

Waiting and Weird.....

Uh Oh.....

October

One Year

My Boys

Interesting

Stepping Into The Ring

9/11

I'm Home :(

I Wanna Come Home!

My Present

A Craig's List Rant

Happy Anniversary, Babe!

My Hair

I'm Better Today!

I HATE CANCER!

Vegas and more

Cancer Talk

What a Great Summer!!

Back From Canada

We're Coming to Canada!

Another Doctor Appointment

Shopping

Update on Everything

Excitement!

Fuck a Duck!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, JEFFREY!!

A Whole Week Since I Posted

More Health Problems....ugh!!!

It's Kim's Birthday!!!

MRI Results are In!!

Seven more to Go!

A Pageant, A Tiara & Donny and Marie!!!

Migraines....ugh!

Our Weekend

Bone Scan

A Song

Pity Party....

A Poem

What the Doctor Said....

Doctor Visit

Pictures!!

A Poem....

One Down, 29 To Go.....

The Travelling Girl is Back

We're Off to Vegas!!

An Inspiring Video

The Good, The Bad and The Ugly

I'm Back

Angels

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, KEVIN!!

Sunny Sunday

Happy Valentine's Day!!

Weekend Wrapup

Too Much Testosterone!!

Sunny Saturday

Cherisher

Miss America

Tom Cruise

I'm awake, again!