Can't Take the Smile Off My Face!!

I just can't take the smile off my face! I'm so happy.

You know, here's what I do. I suppress my feelings. I was really really scared to even think about having cancer again. It terrified me. If I did have cancer, it really wouldn't be good. It would have meant that the cancer lived through chemo and radiation. Which would mean it's one bad-ass cancer. So...I was terrified. I, literally, envisioned my kids graduating college without me there. Getting married without me there. Worse yet? I envisioned Andrew at their wedding with some pretty skinny bitch instead of me. Yep, I said it. I'm just being honest. I also envisioned this skinny bitch with my grandchildren. Oh! Don't get me wrong here...I would want Andrew to find someone after me. And...it would be ok if she's a skinny bitch. I would just prefer not to die, OK? LOL!!

Anyway, it always surprises me, after something is over, how stressed/tired I was when I was going through it. Like, after radiation. I was exhausted. Mentally and physically. But, I don't think I really realized how exhausted I was until I started feeling better. And. Just last week. I was so scared but I ignored it. I try to be a optimist. I look at things realistically but like to "look at the bright side", too. Now that it's over, though, I can admit how scared I was.

Here's an example. About the cancer.

"Oh shit! I'll have to have another operation. And maybe chemo. But...I'll get cards in the mail again, Kim might come and visit again, I would get to quit my job, I can buy cool hats again, maybe get to see Donny Osmond again, and can be really lazy and have an excuse."

Does that make sense? Anyway, I just thought I'd let you all know how I was/am feeling. People always wonder what they'd do in a similar situation so I thought I'd share what it's like.

Oh, the dog. I should talk about the dog. OMG!! I love that dog! He's so cute. Anyway, his official name is McDuff. We call him Duffy. Unless he's being an idiot (like, we're on a walk, and he digs his little paws in and won't move until he's sniffed and peed on whatever it is he has to sniff and pee on - then I call him McDuff). He's a Scottish Terrier. I grew up with Scotties and they are such a wonderful dog that I wanted one for my kids. Anyway, he had his first Chemo last Friday and his second one is today. Surprisingly enough? He's fine with it. I think he slept more than usual but that's about it. I wish chemo had been that easy for me!! Lucky little doggie.

Andrew's out of town. Again. Europe. We got a security system so I wouldn't be freaking out and could get some sleep. I live in a fortress, now. But....I still put "stuff" in front of my bedroom door and lock it, but I did sleep soundly last night (with the help of some antihistamine's LOL!!). Oh the antihistamines. I seem to have some sort of allergic reaction to the Herceptin. It makes me so itchy. Mostly on the hands and feet but also on my arms and shins. It drives me crazy! I itch until I bleed. That's not good, eh? So I've been taking antihistamine's to take away the itch. I've tried all sorts of things on the itchy areas. I've tried benadryl gel, aloe. I even tried Preparation H. Well? If it takes away the itchiness of hemorrhoids it should work on my feet, right? It doesn't. Anyway, the good thing (see? there I go again - looking for that silver lining!) is that the antihistamine's put me to sleep. Yeah!! Even the hot flashes don't wake me up. Bonus!!

OK, I feel like I'm rambling now so I'll say goodbye.

Goodbye.

I DON'T HAVE CANCER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I DON'T HAVE CANCER!!!!!!!!!!!!

I got all the test results back and I do not have cancer. Not in the lymph nodes and not in the biopsy specimen!!

WOOHOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

YAHOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Thanks to all who prayed for me and sent me their best wishes and thoughts!!

ttfn peeps!

What A Strange Day.....

OMG!! This has been the single most rollercoaster day of my entire life. Here's how it's gone so far:

Woke up early this morning to go to my biopsy. To tell you the truth, I didn't think it was going to be a big deal. The results are a big deal but the biopsy? No biggy. After all, when I went for my first biopsy, it was an ultrasound biopsy. They had an opening at 7:00 in the evening so off we went. No fasting. No getting ready. Just throw on a gown and do it.

This one? Very different. I went into the hospital. Had to fast. Did a shitload of paperwork and then into the pre-op area. Did you get that? The pre-op area. WTF!! (what the fuck) I get a gown on, they do my vitals, tell me I can't work that day. What? I have things to do!! Not really, but I have things to pretend to do!! LOL!! Then I get an IV (my third in as many weeks) which pisses me off yet again 'cause I have a port which only seems to be used for the Herceptin. Again. WTF!! I thought the whole idea of a port was so I don't have to get "stuck" a gazillion times. Ugh. My blood pressure's too high so they do it again. It's ok that time so they proceed. I get valium. Yay!!! I love valium! The procedure was fine. I get on a table on my tummy. It has two cutouts for my boobies. They clamp my boob so it won't move (didn't hurt) and into the MRI machine I go. Three minutes later I come out. They inject the "stuff" in and back into the MRI machine I go. Three minutes later I come out. I get more valium!! Yay, valium!! The doctor freezes my boob. That was a little painful but not that bad. The rest I didn't feel. I did hear him using a vacuum-like machine to get the sample but other than that, no big deal. Came home at 10 am and slept till 2:30. Yay valium!!

OK, so I'll explain the rollercoaster:

Get up realize that the coffee's brewing and I can't have any and I have to have a biopsy - down
Get to the hospital and have to have an IV - more down
Doctor comes in and tells me that the results from the PET scan came in and I DON'T HAVE CANCER IN MY LYMPH NODES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! - way up. way the fuck up!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Go in for biopsy - a little down
Come home to sleep - a little up
Talk to my mommy and Kim and Scott and Jeff (Kevin was in class) - way up
Duffy's vet calls and tells me my dog has cancer of the lymph nodes and chemo will cost $1,000. If we don't do chemo he will die in 12 weeks!! - way, way down!!
Talk to Andrew and just tell him we're doing the chemo for the dog. - more down

I never, ever, just tell Andrew that we're doing something. That's not the way we've ever worked. We always run things by each other. Talk about things. Discuss them. Sometimes argue about them. I think that's why our marriage has worked so well for all these years. It's out of respect that we do these things. So, this was very, very unusual that I would just tell Andrew something. Especially something that costs $1000. But, (I'm crying now) I just can't have my dog die of cancer. I just can't. He was so there for me during my cancer stuff. And he doesn't even like me that much. But, I really think dogs can tell when there's something wrong and he'd just hang around me. Lie at the bottom of the bed. Lie in my doorway. Cry with me when I needed it (he thought we were singing, to be honest, but, still - he was there for me). Anyway, there is just no other option. We're doing the chemo.

Now, tonight, I'm going to The Melting Pot with some of my favourite ladies in the world. It's a fondue restaurant and they're having a Breast Cancer Awareness night so we're going to partay!! So, I'll end the night on an up.

There you have it, my roller coaster day.

I get the results of my biopsy tomorrow so I'll post then.

Aunt Ardyth - thanks for the phone call. I love you and your support means the world to me. I smiled so wide when I got your message. Thanks!

Syrene - thank you so much for the presents. You are just the sweetest thing!!

Karen - thank you for posting on my blog and for your ongoing support. I love you!!

That's all peeps!
ttfn

Waiting and Weird.....

The waiting is obviously for test results. I had the PET scan yesterday. Here's the weird. Get this. When I was finished I had to sign a form saying I wouldn't go near small children or pregnant women for 48 hours following the test. That's how much radioactive material is running through me. How weird is that?

OK, here's another weird. I took Duffy to the vets today. He has little lumps under his chin. The vet is now testing him for cancer of the lymph nodes. Duffy and me. Two peas in a pod. And he doesn't even like me much! ROFL!!! So, obviously, we're waiting for test results on him, too (Monday afternoon).

I have my biopsy on Tuesday morning. Apparently it's quite painful so I'm going to ask for some good drugs to get me through. LOL!!

Oh, and just for more weirdness? It was Andrew and my 30th anniversary of our first date on Tuesday. That means I must have dated him when I was a baby!! ROFL!!! Nah....I'm proud of my age. That's one thing that cancer changes. Anyone who laments about being a year older can suck it. You should be glad you're a year older. I can hardly wait till 46 and then 47 and on and on till I'm 90!! Ok, you may not think the 30th anniversary thing is weird but my comments after it more than make up for it, right? Did that make sense. I have a cold and a headache and I'm going to bed now - 5 pm!!

g'nite everybody!!

Uh Oh.....

I haven't been very truthful in my writing in that past week or two. I've been hiding results from my testing. Mostly because we were trying to "protect" our boys. They're away at college and I didn't want to scare them with "maybe" information. Then, I decided that, firstly, I think they wouldn't like that I was keeping things from them. That's never been something our family has done and I don't want to start now. And, secondly, if the cancer is back/still there, how would they feel getting a phone call with that news but no build-up.

Here's the news. Remember, we don't know anything yet.

I went for my MRI a couple of weeks ago. The found a small 5 mm spot where my scar is. They also found an enlarged lymph node. I went in for my mammogram this past Wednesday, fully prepared for a biopsy. Once again, the mammogram didn't show anything. This doesn't surprise me. I had quite a large tumor the first go round and it didn't show up in the mammogram . After the mammogram they did an ultrasound. They didn't see the "spot" on the mammogram but they did see and showed me the enlarged lymph node.

The follow-up to this is a full body scan and then to biopsy the spot with the help of an MRI. I don't really know how they do this so it'll be interesting at the very least. So, the body scan is on Wednesday. I have the appointment for the biopsy the following Tuesday but they're hoping to squeeze me in this Thursday.

They are very concerned with both the enlarged lymph node and the spot. Needless to say, I am losing sleep over this. I know I complain about work but I really really want to work this selling season. It's going to be a big money making season and I just want to work and make a shitload of money. I also don't want to lose my boob or go through chemo again or lose my hair or have cancer ever again. Period. So this really does suck. Then again, if it is cancer? Remember what my reward was the last time? Donny!! Well, they're still in Vegas so I'm thinking that could happen again, right? ROFL!!!

I'll keep everyone informed as the results come back. We'll probably do the phone chain thing for immediate family and Aunt Ardyth and Judy and everyone else can keep informed via this blog.

Pray for me, peeps!

ttfn

October

I remember last year. I had just been diagnosed with breast cancer and then breast cancer awareness month started. It was everywhere. I couldn't get away from it.

Same thing this year. There are specials and ads and more ads and articles. As a person battling cancer I don't want to think about it all the time. It's distressing. But there it is. I'm happy that there's a month dedicated to breast cancer but it's hard. Ya know?

Oh! and my poor boobies. Squished yesterday. It's really not a pleasant thing to go through, those mammograms. I said to the technician: "and men think getting a finger up the butt to check for prostate cancer is bad! They should have their testicles squished in a machine!" She laughed. I don't mean it, though. I don't wish the squishing on them. Well....maybe a little! ROTFL!!!!

ttfn