Well, I did it. It was so uncomfortable for me! OMG!!
My mom went with me for moral support (Andrew's in Europe) and, boy, was I glad she was there. We went in and I asked the receptionist how to switch oncologists. She said I could and that she'd find out how. My mom and I were just sitting there discussing with the receptionist why and a lady came in and started filling up her coffee cup. Little did we know it was the office manager. Well, actually, she was more important than the office manager but I can't remember what her official title was - kinda like a patient advocate.
Anyway, she asked what was happening and I told her and she asked if I would like her to/could she come into the meeting with the doctor. I said sure. The more support I had, the better. So, in we went. I had my regular appointment and then I started asking him more questions about the lymph node (which he swore had no issues) and the nodule. He kept saying that the nodule (that's the thing I had the biopsy on in October) and the lymph node issue were the same. I kept saying they weren't. He read the biopsy report over and over and I kept reiterating that there were two issues. He kept disagreeing and we kept going around and around again. My mom tried to help, too. It was just so frustrating. Finally, after about 15 minutes of doing this, he saw that, yes, there are two issues.
By this point I'm thinking "OMG! Is this a language barrier (he's Brazilian) or am I smarter than the oncologist who isn't reading the results properly?" In the end he admitted that I was right. Did this feel good? No. Not at all. I was relieved that he finally saw what I saw but it was really annoying and frustrating. Usually, when I'm right? I'm all proud and ha ha ha-ish. In yo' face sucka!! This time? I was just tired of the whole thing. I explained to him that I really felt we had a communication issue and that I felt he was dismissive to me and that I really need to switch doctors. This whole thing took about 1/2 hour. By the end of it I was shaking and just relieved that it was over.
I'm really glad that the office lady was there to see the entire thing unfold. My hope is not that she sees I'm right. That is so beside the point. My hope is that other women will not have to go through the frustration and doubt that I had to go through. I can, honestly, feel my blood pressure rising as I write about it. I have been asked why I didn't just switch doctors and not go through the whole "confrontation" with the doctor. My answer is that, first off, I wanted to give him a chance to rectify the situation. I also wanted him to know why I was leaving to go to someone else. I really, really hope that he'll try harder and do better with the next woman to walk in his office.
Anyway, I'm switching to a lady doctor in the same office. I've heard nice things about her and I hope with my entire heart that I will like her.
Last night, I had a huge asthma attack. I'm off the prednisone, now, and I woke up at midnight coughing and not able to breathe. It was so scary! I was all alone in the house. I grabbed my nebulizer (a breathing machine) and started that up. Thank goodness that helped but I'm sure breathless today and my chest hurts so much. It's like I have bruised lungs. Jeff & Chanel are coming home tonight so I'll feel much better having them in the house in case it happens again. I think it has to do with the stress of the whole "dropping the oncologist" thing, though. I do think stress contributes to asthma.
Anyway, I'm looking forward to Jeff and Chanel coming home tonight. I'm looking forward to Andrew coming home on Saturday. I'm looking forward to Scott & Kevin coming home on Sunday. I'm looking forward to going to CHITTY CHITTY BANG BANG on Sunday. It's a theatre production and he's taking me for my birthday!! Yeah!!! I'm also looking forward to a birthday party on Monday night! It's very last minute but I really, really wanted one so my mom and dad are throwing one for me. So fun!!!
That's all for now.
TTFN!
ps - Tuesday was Donny's birthday, just fyi!!
Thursday, December 11, 2008
Friday, December 5, 2008
The Antibiotics Are Kicking In!!
Yay!!! I'm feeling quite a bit better today. Just a little coughing and no barking cough, either.
I have decided to drop my current oncologist. I've decided this because I am really dreading going in for my Herceptin on Wednesday. That's not at all like me. I enjoy going in and getting the Herceptin. Welcoming this cancer fighting drug into my body. I even cheer it on (in my head).
Go Herceptin Go, Fight Herceptin Fight, Win
Herceptin Win, Go Fight Win!!!
Over and over. But now that I have a shithead asshole oncologist I don't want to go so I'm switching. He switched offices and there's a lady oncologist who, I've been told, is nice. I only have three more Herceptins left so I'm doing it.
Then....if I like the lady I'll stay with her and if I don't I'll find a new one. There's got to be one around here I like, right? I'm just asking for someone who will listen and then talk to me in a non-dismissive fashion. I don't think that's too much to ask.
I feel good about this decision and I feel good that I'm feeling better.
Onward and upward, right?
ttfn!!
I have decided to drop my current oncologist. I've decided this because I am really dreading going in for my Herceptin on Wednesday. That's not at all like me. I enjoy going in and getting the Herceptin. Welcoming this cancer fighting drug into my body. I even cheer it on (in my head).
Go Herceptin Go, Fight Herceptin Fight, Win
Herceptin Win, Go Fight Win!!!
Over and over. But now that I have a shithead asshole oncologist I don't want to go so I'm switching. He switched offices and there's a lady oncologist who, I've been told, is nice. I only have three more Herceptins left so I'm doing it.
Then....if I like the lady I'll stay with her and if I don't I'll find a new one. There's got to be one around here I like, right? I'm just asking for someone who will listen and then talk to me in a non-dismissive fashion. I don't think that's too much to ask.
I feel good about this decision and I feel good that I'm feeling better.
Onward and upward, right?
ttfn!!
Thursday, December 4, 2008
I'm Back and Sick....shit!
Well...It happened. My asthma reared it's Fuckerhead again. Ugh! I hate asthma.
We had a great trip, though.
We (Jeff, Andrew and I) flew in to Buffalo, got our rental car and headed to my sister, Kim's. It was very relaxing. We laughed a lot and loved a lot. I got to see sweet Tyler and Jeff got to go hunting for the first time. They didn't get anything but he loved it. I sure wouldn't be surprised to see Jeff move up north some day. I love Kim's family and they go to bed nice and early, like us, so it was wonderful that way, too.
Then, on Tuesday, we headed to Niagara Falls via the Buffalo airport. Scott and Kevin flew in from Orlando and we went across the border Tuesday night instead of Wednesday when we thought it might be more crowded. The boys got in at midnight(ish) so we stayed at a cheap hotel. It was actually pretty ok.
Then Wednesday we went to visit my brother, Steve and his daughter, Sam. We went to Swiss Chalet for lunch. Sam's such a hoot. Seriously! That kid makes me laugh so hard. She's got a very dry sense of humour. Sometimes it takes me a second or two to "get it" and then I laugh and then she laughs 'cause I didn't get it very quickly and it's all very funny. My brother told us all about his trip out west this past summer and I told him some "Donny" stories and he laughed at me and it was very fun.
From there we went to Jane (Andrew sister) and Craig's place for a night. They have three kids, Cameron (grade 8), Riley (grade 3 ish) and Abby (kindergarten). They couldn't be more different. Amazing how that happens, eh? Anyway, it was fun.
The next day (Thursday) we went and had lunch with Andrew's mom and then we went to Steve (Andrew's brother) and Monika's. We got there before them and checked out their new decor. Something's always changing in that house. They're renovators. They have three boys Michael, Daniel and Adam (ages 10, 8 & 6 respectively - I think). Scott, Kevin & I went and watched Daniel and Adam do their martial arts class. OMG! memories...like the corners of my mind.......oops, sorry. Got lost for a moment, there. It was fun/funny. Went back to their place for dinner and wine. Well, everyone else had wine. I will go back a moment...
Friday night, before we even started our trip? My tummy was very, very upset. So upset that I actually fell asleep on the toilet in the middle of the night. Ugh....so......getting on a couple of planes the next day? Not good. First off, like many women? I do not poop in public. That's right, I said it. I do not poop in public. Well, with this? No choice. So, I was in the bathroom at the airport and I yelled out "Sorry!" and let it rip. LOL!!! I'm not kidding. Then I'd flush the toilet as I'm "doing it" in hopes that I won't smell up the joint. How's that for telling it like it is. It was awful!! So, when we got to Kim's? First thing I did was run to their bathroom, yell sorry and let it rip. ROFL!! This stayed like that all the way until Thursday. I missed some amazing wine through it all and that's where I remembered it because Steve and Monika had some good wine and Craig had bought my very favourite wine in the world and I missed it all 'cause of some stupid stomach bug.
OK, back to the trip. Friday we headed out to Niagara Falls for the 80th birthday festivities. We took Steve & Monika's three boys. Mum C had a beautiful suite overlooking the falls. I dubbed this "the party suite" and that's what it turned into. We were all on the same floor and it was so much fun! Unfortunately, I started to come down with a cough on Friday afternoon. My bark cough - which is never good. By Sunday, the big breakfast morning when all of us could be together and get a big family picture? I was sicker than sick. I stayed in bed until we had to leave. I had a fever and was coughing and sneezing and my nose ran so far away I had to find it before we got to the border. Crap! You know, I don't even remember coming home...much. I remember lying across a bunch of seats. I remember being wheeled around by some guy who wanted me to talk and I finally said "If you stop making me talk I'll give you a big tip at the end." I'm so not kidding. He started to say something again and I just put my finger to my lips and said "shhhhh". Bitch, eh? I don't actually remember much else. I slept a lot.
So, all in all it was a good trip. Missed seeing my sister, Karen again. She lives a couple of hours outside Toronto and it's just too far for us to go on such a short trip and too far for her to come on a weeknight. Next time, I hope.
I went to the doctor on Tuesday. Got antibiotics, prednisone, medicine for my nebulizer and a note to be off work for a week. From here? The antibiotic will give me a yeast infection (that's cunt itch for all you men out there. ROFL!!!), the prednisone will make me mean, hungry and have a moon face. It's already coming. I hate prednisone but it's saved my life in the past so I have to take it, don't I. The nebulizer's fine. I'm trying a new medicine that's ok. whatever.
I guess that's all for me. I'm tired. It took me all day to write this (write, go to bed, write, go to bed etc until 7:08 at night) and I don't feel like spellchecking so just bear with me on that.
TTFN peeps
We had a great trip, though.
We (Jeff, Andrew and I) flew in to Buffalo, got our rental car and headed to my sister, Kim's. It was very relaxing. We laughed a lot and loved a lot. I got to see sweet Tyler and Jeff got to go hunting for the first time. They didn't get anything but he loved it. I sure wouldn't be surprised to see Jeff move up north some day. I love Kim's family and they go to bed nice and early, like us, so it was wonderful that way, too.
Then, on Tuesday, we headed to Niagara Falls via the Buffalo airport. Scott and Kevin flew in from Orlando and we went across the border Tuesday night instead of Wednesday when we thought it might be more crowded. The boys got in at midnight(ish) so we stayed at a cheap hotel. It was actually pretty ok.
Then Wednesday we went to visit my brother, Steve and his daughter, Sam. We went to Swiss Chalet for lunch. Sam's such a hoot. Seriously! That kid makes me laugh so hard. She's got a very dry sense of humour. Sometimes it takes me a second or two to "get it" and then I laugh and then she laughs 'cause I didn't get it very quickly and it's all very funny. My brother told us all about his trip out west this past summer and I told him some "Donny" stories and he laughed at me and it was very fun.
From there we went to Jane (Andrew sister) and Craig's place for a night. They have three kids, Cameron (grade 8), Riley (grade 3 ish) and Abby (kindergarten). They couldn't be more different. Amazing how that happens, eh? Anyway, it was fun.
The next day (Thursday) we went and had lunch with Andrew's mom and then we went to Steve (Andrew's brother) and Monika's. We got there before them and checked out their new decor. Something's always changing in that house. They're renovators. They have three boys Michael, Daniel and Adam (ages 10, 8 & 6 respectively - I think). Scott, Kevin & I went and watched Daniel and Adam do their martial arts class. OMG! memories...like the corners of my mind.......oops, sorry. Got lost for a moment, there. It was fun/funny. Went back to their place for dinner and wine. Well, everyone else had wine. I will go back a moment...
Friday night, before we even started our trip? My tummy was very, very upset. So upset that I actually fell asleep on the toilet in the middle of the night. Ugh....so......getting on a couple of planes the next day? Not good. First off, like many women? I do not poop in public. That's right, I said it. I do not poop in public. Well, with this? No choice. So, I was in the bathroom at the airport and I yelled out "Sorry!" and let it rip. LOL!!! I'm not kidding. Then I'd flush the toilet as I'm "doing it" in hopes that I won't smell up the joint. How's that for telling it like it is. It was awful!! So, when we got to Kim's? First thing I did was run to their bathroom, yell sorry and let it rip. ROFL!! This stayed like that all the way until Thursday. I missed some amazing wine through it all and that's where I remembered it because Steve and Monika had some good wine and Craig had bought my very favourite wine in the world and I missed it all 'cause of some stupid stomach bug.
OK, back to the trip. Friday we headed out to Niagara Falls for the 80th birthday festivities. We took Steve & Monika's three boys. Mum C had a beautiful suite overlooking the falls. I dubbed this "the party suite" and that's what it turned into. We were all on the same floor and it was so much fun! Unfortunately, I started to come down with a cough on Friday afternoon. My bark cough - which is never good. By Sunday, the big breakfast morning when all of us could be together and get a big family picture? I was sicker than sick. I stayed in bed until we had to leave. I had a fever and was coughing and sneezing and my nose ran so far away I had to find it before we got to the border. Crap! You know, I don't even remember coming home...much. I remember lying across a bunch of seats. I remember being wheeled around by some guy who wanted me to talk and I finally said "If you stop making me talk I'll give you a big tip at the end." I'm so not kidding. He started to say something again and I just put my finger to my lips and said "shhhhh". Bitch, eh? I don't actually remember much else. I slept a lot.
So, all in all it was a good trip. Missed seeing my sister, Karen again. She lives a couple of hours outside Toronto and it's just too far for us to go on such a short trip and too far for her to come on a weeknight. Next time, I hope.
I went to the doctor on Tuesday. Got antibiotics, prednisone, medicine for my nebulizer and a note to be off work for a week. From here? The antibiotic will give me a yeast infection (that's cunt itch for all you men out there. ROFL!!!), the prednisone will make me mean, hungry and have a moon face. It's already coming. I hate prednisone but it's saved my life in the past so I have to take it, don't I. The nebulizer's fine. I'm trying a new medicine that's ok. whatever.
I guess that's all for me. I'm tired. It took me all day to write this (write, go to bed, write, go to bed etc until 7:08 at night) and I don't feel like spellchecking so just bear with me on that.
TTFN peeps
Friday, November 21, 2008
I'm Off to Canada!
And scared shitless that it's so cold 
up there that I'll end up having an asthma attack and have to come home early.I gotta tell ya, cancer's one thing. I mean it scares you and you think you'll die and the treatment sucks and the chemo brain is horrible but, mostly, it's over. Asthma? I always have to be aware. Is there a breeze? Is it going to dip below 60 degrees? Is anyone smoking in the near vicinity
? Is there a fan on 
? Is there someone close by with perfume on? All these things set me off and more. I'm always watchful.The worst thing is leaving a building. There's no smoking in the building so people smoke right outside the building. I have to hold my breath but I have asthma so holding my breath for any length of time is near impossible. It's a daily thing.
In my job I go on home visits. I have to ask if they smoke prior to going. If they do, I have to meet them somewhere or give the sale away to someone else. They always say "well, I won't smoke when you get here" or "we only smoke outside" but that never works. The house is full of smoke "debris" if they smoke inside and if they smoke outside, invariably it does end up inside. At least a little bit. Ugh! What a pain in the ass. I have several friends who smoke and I can't even go to their houses. So, what I'm trying to say is that I'm not actually scared of smoke for this trip but I am scared of the cold.
I don't think I said that clearly but that's what I'm trying to say. LOL!!I'm also not looking forward to driving in snow.
We haven't done that for seven years and when we did we had a big 'ol Suburban to plow us through. We're renting a smallish car that, I'm pretty sure, won't "plow" through the snow.I also had to try to find clothes to wear. I had to buy a bunch. Shoot, truthfully, Kevin never wears long pants. He's a shorts and flip flops kinda guy. He had to rummage up some pants that would fit. And boots
? We don't have any. Mitts 
? Nope. Hats 
? Nope. OMG!! Do you think I could whine any louder?!! ROFL!!!Anyway, I don't think we'll do this again....but we just had to go for Andrew's mom's 80th birthday.
Just had to. And...I am looking forward to seeing everyone up there! Yay!!!!Everyone have a great Thanksgiving
and I'll post in December.TTFN!!
(could you guess that I found a smiley place? LOL!!)
Sunday, November 16, 2008
One Year Ago & What I've Learned
It was one year ago yesterday that I had my first chemo. It was one year ago today that I was waiting for the side effects to kick in. I read my post from one year ago and it didn't seem so bad. I was in pretty good spirits for a girl who was about to lose her hair, had already partially lost a breast and didn't know if she'd live for another year or not. Yep. Pretty good spirits.
What I'm going to address today is the fallout of cancer. The after effects - both physical and mental. It's not pretty so pull up your big girl/boy panties and go ahead and read it...or not. I'm just puttin' it out there. This is my blog. It's about me. About my feelings and "stuff". If your feelings are hurt by this entry? Hmmm.....maybe you should think about your choices. You've been warned.
OK, physically, I haven't been totally upfront. Yes, I lost my hair. Yes, I gained back all the weight I had so diligently lost...and then some. Yes, I will need a double hip replacement in a couple of years and yes, my brain has turned into mush. My hair is now wavy and I haven't got a clue how to style it since I've had stick straight hair all my life.
What I haven't said is how devastating it is to have a huge dent in my breast. It's huge, people. I know I'm lucky to have a breast. I get that. But the truth is I am deformed. It's not something anyone other than my mom, Kim and Andrew have seen but I live with it every day. Every day I take off my bra. Every day I put on my bra. Every other day I shower. Every day I see my deformity not once but at least twice.
I went to my family doctor and asked him for the name of a good plastic surgeon. I told him how I felt and then I joked that "at least I have a nipple". Then, when I got to thinking about it? It's no different. Yes, I have my own breast but it's not pretty. I don't let Andrew touch it and I rarely let him see it. If he sees it it's by accident on my part. I almost think I'd rather have a "fake" breast. At least it would be pretty. Nippleless but pretty, with a matching one, to boot.
Also, just so you all know? Here's were it gets personal so you may want to skip this if you want. Menopause sucks. The hot flashes? All consuming. It happens and you forget what you're even doing or talking about because you're so hot and all you can think about is getting your clothes off. Ironically, while you're sopping wet on the outside on the inside? Exactly opposite. Dry as a bone. (See? I warned you!!) My skin is dry. Inside my nose is dry. Inside my va jay jay? dry too. It's gotten much better as time has progressed past the chemo but it really sucked for a while there. Anyway, I'm really glad that that part has fixed itself but there was a few months there when it was not good and nothing worked to help.
That's all for the physical part. Here's the "other" part.
I've mentioned before that some people dropped me. I just never heard from them again. It may have just been a "course of time" thing. Kevin stopped playing hockey (because of the broken leg) so that let's some people out of our lives just because the only time we saw them was at hockey. I also changed jobs so others fell by the wayside that way. But, there are some who I really expected to hang in there that just didn't. But, I've mentioned that before. What I haven't mentioned is
#1 I picked up some friends that I really really cherish, now. Holly and Susan P. They're friends of my cousin, Judy. Both have sent me e-mails and followed my blogs. I, in turn, have followed their blogs and feel like I have some new friends in Kitchener. Mrs Young follows my blog and a fellow cheerleader from high school who I didn't even think would remember me. Susan from the UK and many more.
#2 People who didn't pay any attention to me before suddenly started commenting on my blog and calling me and e-mailing me. It was really weird. Like, they didn't like me/didn't give me the time of day prior to me having cancer but, suddenly, they love me and give me encouragement. I must say. I was very wary of these people. It turned out that, now that I'm "over" the cancer? They've fallen by the wayside, too. I just don't hear from them. I think that's really weird.
#3 I thought relationships would change. I really did. I cherish people more, now. I reach out and call them. Do I get anything back? Not usually. I was really home sick this summer. Really home sick. I had gone through hell and back and just wanted to see people who love me. I ran around like a loony person trying to fit everyone in. Then I realized. It's just the same as always. I run around trying to see everyone and what do I get back? Not a lot. I don't get e-mails or phone calls. I don't get visits.
What I do get is excuses. On the phone calls "I was so busy". On the visits it's that old "we can't afford it" thing. Funny how I can afford it but others can't. Just for the record? I have three kids in college, I have done no landscaping and no fix-ups on my house because I tend to spend my money on travel. Now, yes. Some is for me alone. That Vegas trip? For me and me alone. Andrew got some "extras" (nudge nudge, wink wink) out of it but it was for me. I'm so glad I did it because knowing I'd see Donny at the end of chemo and radiation really did get me through it. The travel to Europe is more of a business thing. Andrew loves me to go to keep him company. It's very lonely traveling from country to country and very tiring. Don't get me wrong...he loves it and the people and the work. But, it's nice to have a loving wife along every so often.
Anyway, I just really did think things would change. I thought people would cherish me the same way I cherish them. It didn't happen and it's making me a little bitter. I don't think that's good for me so I may, actually, start some sort of counseling. I'm betting there's something offered for post-cancer people. Survivors as they call us.
Anyway, my point is that I really truly thought relationships would change but everything's stayed the same.
#4 This is really morbid. I was in the shower this morning thinking about death. I wonder who will come to my funeral. Oh, c'mon! You must have thought of this at some point! If you didn't then I may just be weird. Anyway, I was thinking....I wonder where my funeral would be. Florida? Canada? Both? Who would come. Lots of people who don't see me or keep in touch with me, I bet. Saying how they loved my sense of humour and the way I saw things in a positive way. Bet they didn't read this post, then, eh? LOL!! I just think it's interesting that people will take time and spend money to travel to a funeral when they don't do that when the person's living. It's just an interesting view point.
Anyway, all this has been swirling in my mind. I am really looking forward to going up north for Thanksgiving. My doctor is not very happy about it at all. In fact the words "I forbid you" came out of his mouth and then he laughed at himself and remembered who he's talking to. LOL!! So, we are going but I'm going to have to stay inside the whole time. I'm also going shopping for clothes this afternoon. I have never, ever been this big and can't fit into any of my old cold-weather clothes. Ugh!! The problem is...do I buy long sleeves? With all my hot flashes, I may just rip all my clothes off if I have long sleeves on!! I better wear really pretty bras, eh?
So, I hope I didn't hurt too many feelings. That wasn't the intention of this post. It was supposed to be more of a "what goes through this cancer patient's mind when it's all over and done with" and what has surprised and/or bothered me in the aftermath.
TTFN!
What I'm going to address today is the fallout of cancer. The after effects - both physical and mental. It's not pretty so pull up your big girl/boy panties and go ahead and read it...or not. I'm just puttin' it out there. This is my blog. It's about me. About my feelings and "stuff". If your feelings are hurt by this entry? Hmmm.....maybe you should think about your choices. You've been warned.
OK, physically, I haven't been totally upfront. Yes, I lost my hair. Yes, I gained back all the weight I had so diligently lost...and then some. Yes, I will need a double hip replacement in a couple of years and yes, my brain has turned into mush. My hair is now wavy and I haven't got a clue how to style it since I've had stick straight hair all my life.
What I haven't said is how devastating it is to have a huge dent in my breast. It's huge, people. I know I'm lucky to have a breast. I get that. But the truth is I am deformed. It's not something anyone other than my mom, Kim and Andrew have seen but I live with it every day. Every day I take off my bra. Every day I put on my bra. Every other day I shower. Every day I see my deformity not once but at least twice.
I went to my family doctor and asked him for the name of a good plastic surgeon. I told him how I felt and then I joked that "at least I have a nipple". Then, when I got to thinking about it? It's no different. Yes, I have my own breast but it's not pretty. I don't let Andrew touch it and I rarely let him see it. If he sees it it's by accident on my part. I almost think I'd rather have a "fake" breast. At least it would be pretty. Nippleless but pretty, with a matching one, to boot.
Also, just so you all know? Here's were it gets personal so you may want to skip this if you want. Menopause sucks. The hot flashes? All consuming. It happens and you forget what you're even doing or talking about because you're so hot and all you can think about is getting your clothes off. Ironically, while you're sopping wet on the outside on the inside? Exactly opposite. Dry as a bone. (See? I warned you!!) My skin is dry. Inside my nose is dry. Inside my va jay jay? dry too. It's gotten much better as time has progressed past the chemo but it really sucked for a while there. Anyway, I'm really glad that that part has fixed itself but there was a few months there when it was not good and nothing worked to help.
That's all for the physical part. Here's the "other" part.
I've mentioned before that some people dropped me. I just never heard from them again. It may have just been a "course of time" thing. Kevin stopped playing hockey (because of the broken leg) so that let's some people out of our lives just because the only time we saw them was at hockey. I also changed jobs so others fell by the wayside that way. But, there are some who I really expected to hang in there that just didn't. But, I've mentioned that before. What I haven't mentioned is
#1 I picked up some friends that I really really cherish, now. Holly and Susan P. They're friends of my cousin, Judy. Both have sent me e-mails and followed my blogs. I, in turn, have followed their blogs and feel like I have some new friends in Kitchener. Mrs Young follows my blog and a fellow cheerleader from high school who I didn't even think would remember me. Susan from the UK and many more.
#2 People who didn't pay any attention to me before suddenly started commenting on my blog and calling me and e-mailing me. It was really weird. Like, they didn't like me/didn't give me the time of day prior to me having cancer but, suddenly, they love me and give me encouragement. I must say. I was very wary of these people. It turned out that, now that I'm "over" the cancer? They've fallen by the wayside, too. I just don't hear from them. I think that's really weird.
#3 I thought relationships would change. I really did. I cherish people more, now. I reach out and call them. Do I get anything back? Not usually. I was really home sick this summer. Really home sick. I had gone through hell and back and just wanted to see people who love me. I ran around like a loony person trying to fit everyone in. Then I realized. It's just the same as always. I run around trying to see everyone and what do I get back? Not a lot. I don't get e-mails or phone calls. I don't get visits.
What I do get is excuses. On the phone calls "I was so busy". On the visits it's that old "we can't afford it" thing. Funny how I can afford it but others can't. Just for the record? I have three kids in college, I have done no landscaping and no fix-ups on my house because I tend to spend my money on travel. Now, yes. Some is for me alone. That Vegas trip? For me and me alone. Andrew got some "extras" (nudge nudge, wink wink) out of it but it was for me. I'm so glad I did it because knowing I'd see Donny at the end of chemo and radiation really did get me through it. The travel to Europe is more of a business thing. Andrew loves me to go to keep him company. It's very lonely traveling from country to country and very tiring. Don't get me wrong...he loves it and the people and the work. But, it's nice to have a loving wife along every so often.
Anyway, I just really did think things would change. I thought people would cherish me the same way I cherish them. It didn't happen and it's making me a little bitter. I don't think that's good for me so I may, actually, start some sort of counseling. I'm betting there's something offered for post-cancer people. Survivors as they call us.
Anyway, my point is that I really truly thought relationships would change but everything's stayed the same.
#4 This is really morbid. I was in the shower this morning thinking about death. I wonder who will come to my funeral. Oh, c'mon! You must have thought of this at some point! If you didn't then I may just be weird. Anyway, I was thinking....I wonder where my funeral would be. Florida? Canada? Both? Who would come. Lots of people who don't see me or keep in touch with me, I bet. Saying how they loved my sense of humour and the way I saw things in a positive way. Bet they didn't read this post, then, eh? LOL!! I just think it's interesting that people will take time and spend money to travel to a funeral when they don't do that when the person's living. It's just an interesting view point.
Anyway, all this has been swirling in my mind. I am really looking forward to going up north for Thanksgiving. My doctor is not very happy about it at all. In fact the words "I forbid you" came out of his mouth and then he laughed at himself and remembered who he's talking to. LOL!! So, we are going but I'm going to have to stay inside the whole time. I'm also going shopping for clothes this afternoon. I have never, ever been this big and can't fit into any of my old cold-weather clothes. Ugh!! The problem is...do I buy long sleeves? With all my hot flashes, I may just rip all my clothes off if I have long sleeves on!! I better wear really pretty bras, eh?
So, I hope I didn't hurt too many feelings. That wasn't the intention of this post. It was supposed to be more of a "what goes through this cancer patient's mind when it's all over and done with" and what has surprised and/or bothered me in the aftermath.
TTFN!
Saturday, November 15, 2008
Meme
I was tagged to do a meme. I think that's what they're called. Anyway, I'm feeling quite negative about many, many things right now so, instead of posting a mean rant I'm doing this:
THE FAVOURITE MEME. Fill in your favourite for each of the following:
1. Political show: Bill Mayer
2. Picnic food: I don't really picnic. When I go to the beach, though, I like grapes. Dark red, seedless grapes (and beer LOL!!)
3. Mixed drink: Green Apple Martinis. OMG I love these things. I could become an alcoholic on these so I'm not keeping the ingredients in the house. Sadly, I'm so not kidding.
4. U.S. President: I have no idea. But, I do know who our next one will be!!
5. Kind of student to teach: I'm thinking this must have started with a teacher group? Anyway, when I was a Substitute teacher I always liked the boys better. I think it's because I have boys but the girls just seemed to be too full of drama.
6. Hobby you do or wish you still did: I wish I still did Jazz and I wish I still felt like scrapbooking. It's a great idea, that scrapbooking, but I think it's for organized people and I am definitely the opposite of that
!
7. Sports commentator: Don Cherry!!!
8. Sport to watch on TV: Hockey
9. Animal to have as a pet: I like my dog, a Scottie named McDuff
10. Halloween costume you have worn: Please know that I hate Halloween. I don't have a creative bone in my body. I'm crafty but only if you show me what to do. I can follow instructions. Anyway, I guess the best one was when I went as Nicole Brown Simpson. Andrew went as OJ and it was tasteless and funny.
11. Kind of dessert : My carrot cake and my mom's trifle and my sister's nanaimo bars and my sister in law's chocolate chip cookies.
12. Comic strip: I don't read the comics. If I were going to, though, I still like Calvin and Hobbs
13. Style or make of footwear : OMG!! They're these shoes called One Sole. They're totally cool and wonderful for someone who travels so much. They have a sole with snaps. Then you snap on whichever "top" you want. I'm not explaining it very well. Here's a link:
14. Ice cream flavor: Pralines and Cream
.
15. College or university president What?!
16. Internet news source AOL front page and Perez Hilton. (I stole that from Holly! LOL!!)
17. Vacation spot: Aruba but I'm going to Hawaii next September so I have a feeling that could change.
18. Wine: Pheonix by Penley Estates
19. Way to waste time instead of working: So many!! Playing Pogo games, watching tv, reading books and magazines, reading other people's blogs and chatting on the phone
20. Student excuse for late work: ???
21. Reality show: American Idol
22. Jewelry on a man: Cool watch
23. Pizza topping: This is gross but - extra cheese, black olives and anchovies
24. Children’s movie: Chitty Chitty Bang Bang of course
25. Celebrity you wish would retire: Bill O'Reilly
Ok, that's it on that. I'm supposed to tag people to do this so I'm tagging Candace and Judy (I know you're not writing anymore but you could do this one, couldn't you? please?) & Susan P
I'll write a real update tomorrow.
TTFN!
THE FAVOURITE MEME. Fill in your favourite for each of the following:
1. Political show: Bill Mayer
2. Picnic food: I don't really picnic. When I go to the beach, though, I like grapes. Dark red, seedless grapes (and beer LOL!!)
3. Mixed drink: Green Apple Martinis. OMG I love these things. I could become an alcoholic on these so I'm not keeping the ingredients in the house. Sadly, I'm so not kidding.
4. U.S. President: I have no idea. But, I do know who our next one will be!!
5. Kind of student to teach: I'm thinking this must have started with a teacher group? Anyway, when I was a Substitute teacher I always liked the boys better. I think it's because I have boys but the girls just seemed to be too full of drama.
6. Hobby you do or wish you still did: I wish I still did Jazz and I wish I still felt like scrapbooking. It's a great idea, that scrapbooking, but I think it's for organized people and I am definitely the opposite of that
!
7. Sports commentator: Don Cherry!!!
8. Sport to watch on TV: Hockey
9. Animal to have as a pet: I like my dog, a Scottie named McDuff
10. Halloween costume you have worn: Please know that I hate Halloween. I don't have a creative bone in my body. I'm crafty but only if you show me what to do. I can follow instructions. Anyway, I guess the best one was when I went as Nicole Brown Simpson. Andrew went as OJ and it was tasteless and funny.
11. Kind of dessert : My carrot cake and my mom's trifle and my sister's nanaimo bars and my sister in law's chocolate chip cookies.
12. Comic strip: I don't read the comics. If I were going to, though, I still like Calvin and Hobbs
13. Style or make of footwear : OMG!! They're these shoes called One Sole. They're totally cool and wonderful for someone who travels so much. They have a sole with snaps. Then you snap on whichever "top" you want. I'm not explaining it very well. Here's a link:
14. Ice cream flavor: Pralines and Cream
.
15. College or university president What?!
16. Internet news source AOL front page and Perez Hilton. (I stole that from Holly! LOL!!)
17. Vacation spot: Aruba but I'm going to Hawaii next September so I have a feeling that could change.
18. Wine: Pheonix by Penley Estates
19. Way to waste time instead of working: So many!! Playing Pogo games, watching tv, reading books and magazines, reading other people's blogs and chatting on the phone
20. Student excuse for late work: ???
21. Reality show: American Idol
22. Jewelry on a man: Cool watch
23. Pizza topping: This is gross but - extra cheese, black olives and anchovies
24. Children’s movie: Chitty Chitty Bang Bang of course
25. Celebrity you wish would retire: Bill O'Reilly
Ok, that's it on that. I'm supposed to tag people to do this so I'm tagging Candace and Judy (I know you're not writing anymore but you could do this one, couldn't you? please?) & Susan P
I'll write a real update tomorrow.
TTFN!
Monday, November 3, 2008
Have I told you?
Have I told you.......
That I don't like my oncologist. I really, really don't like this guy. He's very dismissive and doesn't listen. Here's what happened. I went to him last Tuesday to get my Herceptin. I wasn't even scheduled to see him but he wanted to see me because we go the results of all the tests. Well, frankly, I'd already discussed the results with my radiation oncologist (who I love, love, love!!!) and didn't see the point. He was running late. and later. and finally I went up and said that we needed to get moving on this because I was seeing my surgeon in an hour and a half. Turns out, I didn't get to see the doctor for another half hour. So...there wasn't enough time for the Herceptin. I had to go see my surgeon and then come back later in the afternoon for the Herceptin. This pissed me off right there, k? Really fucking pissed me off. I don't have time for that kind of shit.
Anyway, I finally get in to see the oncologist and he goes over the results and I ask him about the lymph node. I really want to know why my lymph node is enlarged if it's not cancer. He says in his stupid Brazilian accent "There's no enlarged lymph node." I say "yes there was" He says "no there wasn't" I say "Well you must not have all the results because there was an enlarged lymph node". He keeps insisting there wasn't and now, every time, I begin to talk all he keeps saying is that it doesn't matter what there was because it's not cancer. He's talking to me like I'm an idiot! ARRRRRGH!!!!
So, I think I'm crazy, now. Maybe there was no enlarged lymph node. Maybe I made it up in my head. Maybe I've gone fucking mad!!!!!!!!!!! Maybe I have that Munchhausen's disease where you want attention so you make up diseases. Well, I did love getting the cards and the flowers but I can't imagine wanting to be sick for those things, you know? But, well, I'm thinkin' I'm nuckin futs, ok? So, I leave there and go over to the surgeon's office. I get in right away to see him. No waiting. He does the exam and I'm fine. I have a hematoma in my boob (it hurts) but it'll go away. It was caused by bruising on the inside when I got my biopsy. The bad thing is that it hurts. The good thing is that it's rounding out my indented boob. I kinda like it, ya know? Makes me look more "normal", ya know? Anyway, he finishes the exam and I ask with much trepidation "I did have an enlarged lymph node, didn't I?" He says, " yes, it didn't show anything...It was probably enlarged because of the trauma of the lumpectomy and we will now watch it. Always. It will probably stay enlarged but we have to watch it for any changes." OK, now. That's a good doctor, right?
So, I tell him that # 1 - I hate my oncologist and #2 why and #3 I want a new one. He asked if there was any way I could stay with this guy until my Herceptin's done because it's better to stay with the same doctor until the treatment ends. So....I'm going to try to stay with the stupid Brazilian guy but I am going to tell him how I feel next time I see him and if I don't get a satisfactory answer I'm going to a different oncologist.
There.
Have I told you.....
That my dog's doing chemo? He's actually doing really well with it. I love him.
Have I told you....
That we're coming to Canada for our Thanksgiving? It's the last Thursday in November. Andrew, Jeff and I are coming on the 22nd flying from Tampa and Scott & Kevin are coming on the 25th from Orlando. It's Andrew's mom's 80th birthday!!! 80!! I so want to make it to 80! Oh, hell, who am I kidding, I'll be happy to make it to 50, to tell you the truth. Oh!! that brings me to another one....
Have I told you.....
When I was getting my Herceptin treatment a lady there did a palm reading on me? I'm gonna outlive you all!!!!! Yay!!!!! Andrew is my true love. I am strong and caring. Cool, eh?
Have I told you....
that I think I'm having allergic reactions to the Herceptin? OMG!! I am so frickin' itchy!!!!!! It's mostly in my hands and feet but it does go up my calves and arms later in the day. Isn't that weird? Oh, I did tell you that before 'cause I remember telling you about using the hemerroid cream on the itchy parts. Now that's weird!
Have I told you...
That my port moved. When I was having my PET scan they had me put my arms above my head and I could feel a stitch come out from my port. It didn't hurt or anything I just knew something had happened. So, after the scan I felt my port and sure enough it moved onto it's side. It's ok, I guess. The surgeon said as long as it's accessible, it's fine. Phew! I have a love/hate relationship with my port but it keeps me from having to get an IV every time I have a Herceptin treatment so I mostly love it. But, it is ugly.
Have I told you...
That Scott and Kevin are doing Air Force ROTC and I thought they would hate it but they love it? They've never really liked anyone telling them what to do so I don't understand what they love so much but they love it, nevertheless.
Have I told you......
That I think the Air Force ROTC is a cult? That's right. I said it. A frickin' cult. They love it. They call them "family" (WTF!!!!) and they don't come home because they're doing "stuff" with their flights. That's just fuckin' pissing me off. I am their family. I cleaned their butts, wiped their noses and put up with their stinky feet and smelly farts and took them to hockey and soccer and karate and every other frickin' thing they did and.... surprise, surprise, boys! I didn't always enjoy it either. Andrew, too of course. And their brothers. We all supported each other. These people that they just met in September are not their family. OK, rant over. I really am happy for them that they're so happy but if they don't come home soon I'm going to hire one of those cult people to de-brainwash them! ROFL!!!!!!!
Have I told you....
that I'm done.
Night Night!!
That I don't like my oncologist. I really, really don't like this guy. He's very dismissive and doesn't listen. Here's what happened. I went to him last Tuesday to get my Herceptin. I wasn't even scheduled to see him but he wanted to see me because we go the results of all the tests. Well, frankly, I'd already discussed the results with my radiation oncologist (who I love, love, love!!!) and didn't see the point. He was running late. and later. and finally I went up and said that we needed to get moving on this because I was seeing my surgeon in an hour and a half. Turns out, I didn't get to see the doctor for another half hour. So...there wasn't enough time for the Herceptin. I had to go see my surgeon and then come back later in the afternoon for the Herceptin. This pissed me off right there, k? Really fucking pissed me off. I don't have time for that kind of shit.
Anyway, I finally get in to see the oncologist and he goes over the results and I ask him about the lymph node. I really want to know why my lymph node is enlarged if it's not cancer. He says in his stupid Brazilian accent "There's no enlarged lymph node." I say "yes there was" He says "no there wasn't" I say "Well you must not have all the results because there was an enlarged lymph node". He keeps insisting there wasn't and now, every time, I begin to talk all he keeps saying is that it doesn't matter what there was because it's not cancer. He's talking to me like I'm an idiot! ARRRRRGH!!!!
So, I think I'm crazy, now. Maybe there was no enlarged lymph node. Maybe I made it up in my head. Maybe I've gone fucking mad!!!!!!!!!!! Maybe I have that Munchhausen's disease where you want attention so you make up diseases. Well, I did love getting the cards and the flowers but I can't imagine wanting to be sick for those things, you know? But, well, I'm thinkin' I'm nuckin futs, ok? So, I leave there and go over to the surgeon's office. I get in right away to see him. No waiting. He does the exam and I'm fine. I have a hematoma in my boob (it hurts) but it'll go away. It was caused by bruising on the inside when I got my biopsy. The bad thing is that it hurts. The good thing is that it's rounding out my indented boob. I kinda like it, ya know? Makes me look more "normal", ya know? Anyway, he finishes the exam and I ask with much trepidation "I did have an enlarged lymph node, didn't I?" He says, " yes, it didn't show anything...It was probably enlarged because of the trauma of the lumpectomy and we will now watch it. Always. It will probably stay enlarged but we have to watch it for any changes." OK, now. That's a good doctor, right?
So, I tell him that # 1 - I hate my oncologist and #2 why and #3 I want a new one. He asked if there was any way I could stay with this guy until my Herceptin's done because it's better to stay with the same doctor until the treatment ends. So....I'm going to try to stay with the stupid Brazilian guy but I am going to tell him how I feel next time I see him and if I don't get a satisfactory answer I'm going to a different oncologist.
There.
Have I told you.....
That my dog's doing chemo? He's actually doing really well with it. I love him.
Have I told you....
That we're coming to Canada for our Thanksgiving? It's the last Thursday in November. Andrew, Jeff and I are coming on the 22nd flying from Tampa and Scott & Kevin are coming on the 25th from Orlando. It's Andrew's mom's 80th birthday!!! 80!! I so want to make it to 80! Oh, hell, who am I kidding, I'll be happy to make it to 50, to tell you the truth. Oh!! that brings me to another one....
Have I told you.....
When I was getting my Herceptin treatment a lady there did a palm reading on me? I'm gonna outlive you all!!!!! Yay!!!!! Andrew is my true love. I am strong and caring. Cool, eh?
Have I told you....
that I think I'm having allergic reactions to the Herceptin? OMG!! I am so frickin' itchy!!!!!! It's mostly in my hands and feet but it does go up my calves and arms later in the day. Isn't that weird? Oh, I did tell you that before 'cause I remember telling you about using the hemerroid cream on the itchy parts. Now that's weird!
Have I told you...
That my port moved. When I was having my PET scan they had me put my arms above my head and I could feel a stitch come out from my port. It didn't hurt or anything I just knew something had happened. So, after the scan I felt my port and sure enough it moved onto it's side. It's ok, I guess. The surgeon said as long as it's accessible, it's fine. Phew! I have a love/hate relationship with my port but it keeps me from having to get an IV every time I have a Herceptin treatment so I mostly love it. But, it is ugly.
Have I told you...
That Scott and Kevin are doing Air Force ROTC and I thought they would hate it but they love it? They've never really liked anyone telling them what to do so I don't understand what they love so much but they love it, nevertheless.
Have I told you......
That I think the Air Force ROTC is a cult? That's right. I said it. A frickin' cult. They love it. They call them "family" (WTF!!!!) and they don't come home because they're doing "stuff" with their flights. That's just fuckin' pissing me off. I am their family. I cleaned their butts, wiped their noses and put up with their stinky feet and smelly farts and took them to hockey and soccer and karate and every other frickin' thing they did and.... surprise, surprise, boys! I didn't always enjoy it either. Andrew, too of course. And their brothers. We all supported each other. These people that they just met in September are not their family. OK, rant over. I really am happy for them that they're so happy but if they don't come home soon I'm going to hire one of those cult people to de-brainwash them! ROFL!!!!!!!
Have I told you....
that I'm done.
Night Night!!
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