Monday, September 21, 2009
Chemobrain - this is what I'm talkin' 'bout!!!
Chemobrain, the flip side of surviving cancer, http://bit.ly/3dGOt3
Tuesday, September 15, 2009
What, me worry?
Seems I begin all my posts with, wow it's been so long since I posted! But...it really has. A whole summer has gone by.
First, I'll start with health "stuff" and then move on to the fun stuff:
Health stuff:
I haven't lost a single pound of the weight I gained during chemo/radiation/waiting for hip surgery/hip surgery. It's my own fault. You know that whole thing of eat less, move more? I think I have it reversed!! I'm blaming it on Chemo Brain!! LOL!!
My hip is much better. Sitting for long periods of time (more than 2 hours) is still a little difficult. Luckily, with my new job, I can go lie down for 1/2 an hour and come back to work. It's a good thing. My other hip hasn't been hurting - at all!! Yay me!! I don't use a cane - ever.
I go for all my breast follow-ups in October. I have to do a mammogram, ultrasound and MRI. The MRI is actually kinda funny. I lie on my tummy with my boobs through two holes in the table. I giggle every time. Then, I ask them to play some good music - like Rod Stewart or Elton John (I always ask if they have any Donny Osmond but they never do!) - and I lie there and sing my way through the test. It's really loud so I tell them to crank up the music. It's not so bad, that way, ya know?!!
OHHHH!!! BIG NEWS!! DONNY OSMOND is on Dancing with the Stars this season!!! WOOHOO!!!!!!!!!! I'm a little excited - can you tell? LOL!!
Let's see, what else. Oh - this Chemo Brain is really bugging me. I used to have a great vocabulary. Now? Not so much. It's very frustrating. There's a course I can take but it costs money and with three kids in college and four cars and four insurances to pay for? Not a chance. But it really affects my day to day life. I can't remember entire conversations. The other night I was thinking about all my relatives. The dead ones. Uncle Frank and Uncle Steve. They were so wonderful! Auntie Rose and Aunt Belle. Sisters. I got my crazy cackle from them! Then...I actually couldn't remember if my Aunt Vi had died. How horrible am I? How horrible is that? I almost had to wake Andrew up and ask him!! I did, finally, figure out that she did die. She did, didn't she, Steve? Karen? Kim? I feel horrible not knowing something that important, though. What kind of person can't remember if her Aunt died? ..... I guess someone with chemo brain? ugh!!!
And now, for the paragraph that pertains to the title - What, me worry?
I worry every day. I had a migraine last week for a couple of days - I was sure it was brain cancer. If I have diarrhea? colon cancer. Can't shit? anal or colon cancer. Right now, this very minute, I have some sort of weird pain under my boob - like a bug bite or something - but I'm pretty sure the cancer's back. Anything and everything is cancer.
I wonder if I'll always be this way. I wonder if it will every go away. I wonder if, at that magical five year mark, I'll suddenly realize that I don't have to worry about cancer all the time. I really hope so 'cause it's getting old. Thankfully, Andrew and I laugh about it. A lot. After all, I'm not the most healthy person so everytime I get sick I'm pretty sure it's the cancer. Back. To kill me before I get to hold my grandchildren. Ugh!! So, we just keep laughing and hoping. That's all we can do, really.
People ask me if I'm going to do the BRACA test. That's the test to see if you have the breast cancer gene. My pat answer is that I can't afford it. I'd have to admit that I'm not telling the truth on that one. I could afford it. It's $3,000 but I could afford it. I wouldn't be going to Hawaii next week, but I could afford it. Do I want to? I don't know, yet. And that's the thing. I think you have to be really, really positive that you want to know. That you're willing to deal with it if the results come up positive. Because, truthfully, if the results were positive? I'd chop my boobs off in a nano-second. But...I'm not ready to do that, yet. I'm still reeling from having a deformed boob and a 46 year old boob. I like having boobs - even the deformed boob. I like them. They're pretty and feminine. Andrew likes them.
I have been thinking about having reconstructive surgery, though. I would like to get my boobs "perkified" and an implant in the "little" one. But, how stupid would that be? Get them all pretty and perky and then find out that I have the gene? So....In the end. I'm just not doing anything. I'm not getting them pretty. I'm not cutting them off. I'm going with the watching and waiting method. So....although getting the mammo and MRI aren't fun? That's my method. For now.
Now...on to the fun stuff:
My sister, Kim, came for a visit. We had a blasty blast. Went to Daytona and did a lot of hanging out and talking. I love that woman sooo much!! It's amazing, our friendship. We've taken very different paths in life but agree on so much. I get total acceptance from her and she understands the heartaches that come with loving your kids so much that, sometimes, hurts. She'll commiserate with me and then kick me in the ass to get me moving, again. I love that!
We also had Andrew's sister and her family visit Florida. They rented a place "on the other side" in Cocoa Beach so we went and visited them for an extended long weekend. It was such fun! Jane and her husband, Craig, are funny and fun. People that you can be yourself with and they love you anyway....and visa versa!! LOL!! We rented a pontoon boat for a day - it was, seriously, one of the best days of my life!!! We saw dolphins, wandered around on a little island, swam with a manatee, almost sank the boat (I'm serious!) and laughed - a lot!
Kidwise - Jeff's going to University of Florida (not FU like I sometimes, mistakenly, say! LOL) for his Masters with the goal of becoming a CPA. He's still going out with Chanel and seems happy. Scott and Kev are still at University of Central Florida in Orlando. Kev's still in ROTC with the goal of going into the Air Force and becoming a Special Ops guy (much to his mother's chagrin!). Scott's changed his major to something in Media and Communications with the goal of being on TV or radio in sports. He's still crazy about his girlfriend, Julianna.
Andrew-wise: still loves his job. Hasn't been going to Europe as much this year (yay!!) and got in on a Hawaii trade show (again, yay!!).
Me - going to Hawaii with Andrew, of course!! I started a new job. It's commission only selling health insurance. I work from home - in my pj's!! Nice!!
I guess that's all, for now. I'll update again after I get all my test results in October.
ttfn!
First, I'll start with health "stuff" and then move on to the fun stuff:
Health stuff:
I haven't lost a single pound of the weight I gained during chemo/radiation/waiting for hip surgery/hip surgery. It's my own fault. You know that whole thing of eat less, move more? I think I have it reversed!! I'm blaming it on Chemo Brain!! LOL!!
My hip is much better. Sitting for long periods of time (more than 2 hours) is still a little difficult. Luckily, with my new job, I can go lie down for 1/2 an hour and come back to work. It's a good thing. My other hip hasn't been hurting - at all!! Yay me!! I don't use a cane - ever.
I go for all my breast follow-ups in October. I have to do a mammogram, ultrasound and MRI. The MRI is actually kinda funny. I lie on my tummy with my boobs through two holes in the table. I giggle every time. Then, I ask them to play some good music - like Rod Stewart or Elton John (I always ask if they have any Donny Osmond but they never do!) - and I lie there and sing my way through the test. It's really loud so I tell them to crank up the music. It's not so bad, that way, ya know?!!
OHHHH!!! BIG NEWS!! DONNY OSMOND is on Dancing with the Stars this season!!! WOOHOO!!!!!!!!!! I'm a little excited - can you tell? LOL!!
Let's see, what else. Oh - this Chemo Brain is really bugging me. I used to have a great vocabulary. Now? Not so much. It's very frustrating. There's a course I can take but it costs money and with three kids in college and four cars and four insurances to pay for? Not a chance. But it really affects my day to day life. I can't remember entire conversations. The other night I was thinking about all my relatives. The dead ones. Uncle Frank and Uncle Steve. They were so wonderful! Auntie Rose and Aunt Belle. Sisters. I got my crazy cackle from them! Then...I actually couldn't remember if my Aunt Vi had died. How horrible am I? How horrible is that? I almost had to wake Andrew up and ask him!! I did, finally, figure out that she did die. She did, didn't she, Steve? Karen? Kim? I feel horrible not knowing something that important, though. What kind of person can't remember if her Aunt died? ..... I guess someone with chemo brain? ugh!!!
And now, for the paragraph that pertains to the title - What, me worry?
I worry every day. I had a migraine last week for a couple of days - I was sure it was brain cancer. If I have diarrhea? colon cancer. Can't shit? anal or colon cancer. Right now, this very minute, I have some sort of weird pain under my boob - like a bug bite or something - but I'm pretty sure the cancer's back. Anything and everything is cancer.
I wonder if I'll always be this way. I wonder if it will every go away. I wonder if, at that magical five year mark, I'll suddenly realize that I don't have to worry about cancer all the time. I really hope so 'cause it's getting old. Thankfully, Andrew and I laugh about it. A lot. After all, I'm not the most healthy person so everytime I get sick I'm pretty sure it's the cancer. Back. To kill me before I get to hold my grandchildren. Ugh!! So, we just keep laughing and hoping. That's all we can do, really.
People ask me if I'm going to do the BRACA test. That's the test to see if you have the breast cancer gene. My pat answer is that I can't afford it. I'd have to admit that I'm not telling the truth on that one. I could afford it. It's $3,000 but I could afford it. I wouldn't be going to Hawaii next week, but I could afford it. Do I want to? I don't know, yet. And that's the thing. I think you have to be really, really positive that you want to know. That you're willing to deal with it if the results come up positive. Because, truthfully, if the results were positive? I'd chop my boobs off in a nano-second. But...I'm not ready to do that, yet. I'm still reeling from having a deformed boob and a 46 year old boob. I like having boobs - even the deformed boob. I like them. They're pretty and feminine. Andrew likes them.
I have been thinking about having reconstructive surgery, though. I would like to get my boobs "perkified" and an implant in the "little" one. But, how stupid would that be? Get them all pretty and perky and then find out that I have the gene? So....In the end. I'm just not doing anything. I'm not getting them pretty. I'm not cutting them off. I'm going with the watching and waiting method. So....although getting the mammo and MRI aren't fun? That's my method. For now.
Now...on to the fun stuff:
My sister, Kim, came for a visit. We had a blasty blast. Went to Daytona and did a lot of hanging out and talking. I love that woman sooo much!! It's amazing, our friendship. We've taken very different paths in life but agree on so much. I get total acceptance from her and she understands the heartaches that come with loving your kids so much that, sometimes, hurts. She'll commiserate with me and then kick me in the ass to get me moving, again. I love that!
We also had Andrew's sister and her family visit Florida. They rented a place "on the other side" in Cocoa Beach so we went and visited them for an extended long weekend. It was such fun! Jane and her husband, Craig, are funny and fun. People that you can be yourself with and they love you anyway....and visa versa!! LOL!! We rented a pontoon boat for a day - it was, seriously, one of the best days of my life!!! We saw dolphins, wandered around on a little island, swam with a manatee, almost sank the boat (I'm serious!) and laughed - a lot!
Kidwise - Jeff's going to University of Florida (not FU like I sometimes, mistakenly, say! LOL) for his Masters with the goal of becoming a CPA. He's still going out with Chanel and seems happy. Scott and Kev are still at University of Central Florida in Orlando. Kev's still in ROTC with the goal of going into the Air Force and becoming a Special Ops guy (much to his mother's chagrin!). Scott's changed his major to something in Media and Communications with the goal of being on TV or radio in sports. He's still crazy about his girlfriend, Julianna.
Andrew-wise: still loves his job. Hasn't been going to Europe as much this year (yay!!) and got in on a Hawaii trade show (again, yay!!).
Me - going to Hawaii with Andrew, of course!! I started a new job. It's commission only selling health insurance. I work from home - in my pj's!! Nice!!
I guess that's all, for now. I'll update again after I get all my test results in October.
ttfn!
Tuesday, July 7, 2009
10 weeks post-op
Wow! It's been so long since I updated and so much has happened! Mostly family stuff.
I'll start with Scott. Scott had his heart set on being an Air Force Pilot. He's done one year of AFROTC at his University. He did really, really well. So well, that they gave him a $1,000 scholarship! Yay Scott. Well, to be in the Air Force you have to be physically perfect. We found out, through all the testing, that Scott is not physically perfect. What a frickin' shock! Turns out he has a degenerative eye disease called Lattice Degeneration. With this particular disease? They have turned him down. That's it, that's all. Thanks for dedicating a year of your life to the Air Force. Spending all your time with this Air Force "family". Making all your friends Air Force people. Thanks, but no thanks. You're not perfect so away you go. Can you tell I'm a little bitter? Really pissed me off. They just called Scott into the office and told him. Now, you should know, that they were really sad. Near tears, sad. But, still. He's out. So long sucker!
We took him to a renowned specialist who confirmed the diagnosis. I called Scott's Captain and discussed it with him. Tried to see if we could get a waiver for it or appeal the decision but there's no appealing the government. So...Scott's gotta figure out something else. Now, as I've always said, when one door closes, another one opens. It's kismet.
My dad knows a guy from hockey who works for ESPN and is working on getting Scotty a job/internship at the ESPN radio in Orlando. So...let's all cross our fingers and hope this works out. I've been harping on Scott to do something with his weird brain that holds the strangest sports information. He knows so much "crap" and statistics that it's really truly odd. Scott, I'm not saying your odd, I'm saying that part of you is odd. LOL! And, I must say that I wouldn't trade that year Scott was with the ROTC. It made him focused and "turned him into a man". I am grateful for that (but still pissed).
I also should add that Kevin is still in the Air Force ROTC (he got a $500 scholarship!! - it was a proud proud day!) so, as mad as I am about the Scott situation, I have to put that aside and hope for the best for Kevin. We took Kevin to that same eye guy and he does not have the degenerative eye disease so he should be good to go. Other than that? Kev's a bum this summer. He's tried several jobs and they've all sucked. He did that door to door meat job, then he tried his hand at telemarketing but got fired from it, then he did some telephone delivery. You work for yourself and, after all was said and done, he ended up making only about $5/hour on it. F that S. No way.
Jeff's got a great job, though! First off, he's still doing a paid internship in the accounting department at Rooms to Go. It's part-time. He also landed a secret shopper job. It pays $17.50/hour!! He only does it one day a month but that's a nice little job, eh? He's heading to University of Florida in the fall to continue his education. He has to do that to become a CPA.
As for me....I'm doing great. I'm off the cane, for the most part. I use it when we go to a festival or shopping but mostly for when I get tired, not because I need it for balance. I'm quite pleased with my progression. I'm sick of exercising every day, though. Really really sick of it.
Oh, and there's something I must say, here. I have had two people, lately, tell me how perfect my life is. WTF, people!! If you think my life is perfect then #1 you can't possibly BE my friend because #2 you're obviously not listening. I'm not perfect. My husband isn't perfect. My kids are not perfect. This really pissed me off 'cause they said it in a "what do you know, you have the perfect life" kind of way, you know? Who the hell do they think they're talking to? I was sick all the time growing up, had three horrible pregnancies along with three c-sections at the end of each one, then asthma with a couple of hospitalizations and had to move to Florida just so I could breathe. Next up? Cancer and now two hip replacements. I don't have a job, I don't talk to one of my sisters (she doesn't talk to me, either, so we're even, I guess), I miss Canada but can't live there 'cause I'll die and I go through empty nest syndrome in the winter and too many kids in the summer. I have no memory after chemo and menopause (at age 46 - thanks, Cancer, you fucker!!) and I'm fat to boot! Perfect? Assholes! Fuckers (that's my new favourite word).
Wow, I feel so much better having said that. Seriously, if someone said you were perfect. A friend said you were perfect. You'd just have to thing they're just not listening. We all have problems. Ok, I'm done, now.
Oh, and cancer-wise - I had a followup visit with my oncologist and my blood work looks good. The bone blood part was a little low but that's probably because of my hip surgery. There was another low part in the liver enzymes or something but that was low to begin with so they're just going to watch it. I go for all the "big tests" in September and October. I have to have an MRI, PET scan, mammogram and ultrasound. It's all to make sure I'm ok. I like it. Makes me feel secure in some weird way.
Alright, I'm done with my update....
I will download a video of a night of fun we had a couple of weeks ago. OMG! Wait till you see. I'll do it in the next couple of days. Oh! And my sister, Kim, is coming to visit on Thursday for a week!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'm so excited I can hardly sit down. She is one of my favourite people in the whole world! I'll try to video something good from her visit, too. Shouldn't be too hard - she's as weird as me! WooHoo!!!
ttfn peeps!
I'll start with Scott. Scott had his heart set on being an Air Force Pilot. He's done one year of AFROTC at his University. He did really, really well. So well, that they gave him a $1,000 scholarship! Yay Scott. Well, to be in the Air Force you have to be physically perfect. We found out, through all the testing, that Scott is not physically perfect. What a frickin' shock! Turns out he has a degenerative eye disease called Lattice Degeneration. With this particular disease? They have turned him down. That's it, that's all. Thanks for dedicating a year of your life to the Air Force. Spending all your time with this Air Force "family". Making all your friends Air Force people. Thanks, but no thanks. You're not perfect so away you go. Can you tell I'm a little bitter? Really pissed me off. They just called Scott into the office and told him. Now, you should know, that they were really sad. Near tears, sad. But, still. He's out. So long sucker!
We took him to a renowned specialist who confirmed the diagnosis. I called Scott's Captain and discussed it with him. Tried to see if we could get a waiver for it or appeal the decision but there's no appealing the government. So...Scott's gotta figure out something else. Now, as I've always said, when one door closes, another one opens. It's kismet.
My dad knows a guy from hockey who works for ESPN and is working on getting Scotty a job/internship at the ESPN radio in Orlando. So...let's all cross our fingers and hope this works out. I've been harping on Scott to do something with his weird brain that holds the strangest sports information. He knows so much "crap" and statistics that it's really truly odd. Scott, I'm not saying your odd, I'm saying that part of you is odd. LOL! And, I must say that I wouldn't trade that year Scott was with the ROTC. It made him focused and "turned him into a man". I am grateful for that (but still pissed).
I also should add that Kevin is still in the Air Force ROTC (he got a $500 scholarship!! - it was a proud proud day!) so, as mad as I am about the Scott situation, I have to put that aside and hope for the best for Kevin. We took Kevin to that same eye guy and he does not have the degenerative eye disease so he should be good to go. Other than that? Kev's a bum this summer. He's tried several jobs and they've all sucked. He did that door to door meat job, then he tried his hand at telemarketing but got fired from it, then he did some telephone delivery. You work for yourself and, after all was said and done, he ended up making only about $5/hour on it. F that S. No way.
Jeff's got a great job, though! First off, he's still doing a paid internship in the accounting department at Rooms to Go. It's part-time. He also landed a secret shopper job. It pays $17.50/hour!! He only does it one day a month but that's a nice little job, eh? He's heading to University of Florida in the fall to continue his education. He has to do that to become a CPA.
As for me....I'm doing great. I'm off the cane, for the most part. I use it when we go to a festival or shopping but mostly for when I get tired, not because I need it for balance. I'm quite pleased with my progression. I'm sick of exercising every day, though. Really really sick of it.
Oh, and there's something I must say, here. I have had two people, lately, tell me how perfect my life is. WTF, people!! If you think my life is perfect then #1 you can't possibly BE my friend because #2 you're obviously not listening. I'm not perfect. My husband isn't perfect. My kids are not perfect. This really pissed me off 'cause they said it in a "what do you know, you have the perfect life" kind of way, you know? Who the hell do they think they're talking to? I was sick all the time growing up, had three horrible pregnancies along with three c-sections at the end of each one, then asthma with a couple of hospitalizations and had to move to Florida just so I could breathe. Next up? Cancer and now two hip replacements. I don't have a job, I don't talk to one of my sisters (she doesn't talk to me, either, so we're even, I guess), I miss Canada but can't live there 'cause I'll die and I go through empty nest syndrome in the winter and too many kids in the summer. I have no memory after chemo and menopause (at age 46 - thanks, Cancer, you fucker!!) and I'm fat to boot! Perfect? Assholes! Fuckers (that's my new favourite word).
Wow, I feel so much better having said that. Seriously, if someone said you were perfect. A friend said you were perfect. You'd just have to thing they're just not listening. We all have problems. Ok, I'm done, now.
Oh, and cancer-wise - I had a followup visit with my oncologist and my blood work looks good. The bone blood part was a little low but that's probably because of my hip surgery. There was another low part in the liver enzymes or something but that was low to begin with so they're just going to watch it. I go for all the "big tests" in September and October. I have to have an MRI, PET scan, mammogram and ultrasound. It's all to make sure I'm ok. I like it. Makes me feel secure in some weird way.
Alright, I'm done with my update....
I will download a video of a night of fun we had a couple of weeks ago. OMG! Wait till you see. I'll do it in the next couple of days. Oh! And my sister, Kim, is coming to visit on Thursday for a week!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'm so excited I can hardly sit down. She is one of my favourite people in the whole world! I'll try to video something good from her visit, too. Shouldn't be too hard - she's as weird as me! WooHoo!!!
ttfn peeps!
Friday, May 29, 2009
Four and a half Weeks Post-Op
I know, I know...it's been too long. My excuse is that I've been on pain pills and couldn't have put two words together. Seriously! Those things impair everything - and I do mean everything - mind, memory, shitting. LOL!! (well? It is called Sandy's Shit!)
OK, so, I'll start at the beginning and move through.
Surgery Monday morning. Got the pain under control quickly after surgery so I got to go to my room. Once I got to my room, however, I started really feeling pain. It was horrible. Like, screaming out and yelling pain. I was "one of those". So embarrassing. What it was, though, was that I was having horrible cramps in my butt and down my legs. They said it must have been the position they had me in during surgery. Anyway, I was screaming and Andrew and my mom and dad are all looking really concerned. My mom came up with an idea of putting her fist into my cramp in my butt (when I say butt, I mean outter butt). Then she came up with the idea of giving me Robaxicette. That helped immensely!
The stay in the hospital after that was just a stay in the hospital...learning how to get up, going pee, waiting for that all important BM before you get to leave, lots of bloodwork and blood pressure readings and? The cutest Physio Therapist in the land!! OMG! He was so cute! I definitely had a little crush going! We thrived on making each other laugh. Whatever gets you through, right?
I got to go home on the Friday afternoon. Slept in Kevin's room for the first week. A nurse came every second day to take blood and pressure. I was on Coumadin (blood thinner) and they had to make sure I was taking the right amount. Physio came and gave me exercises. Lots of pain killers and sleeping.
Now? What a difference four weeks makes. Most of the time, I'm in absolutely no pain. I take a pain killer every now and then if I've done too much. I'm walking around the house mostly without a cane. I use it when I go outside, though. Today, when physio was here, we went for a walk with the cane and then I went "caneless" up my driveway and up the stairs to the house!! Woohoo for me!!! I was very proud. You know that look when a baby takes their first steps and they're so proud? That was the look on my face this afternoon!! LOL!!
Right now it's 4 am. I had a dream. A Donny Osmond dream! Oh my!! It was a good one! Vivid....ohhhhhh
Oh...sorry - got lost in "thought" there for a minute!!
Kidwise:
Jeff graduated college! Yay, Jeff!! Here's some pics from the party - I'll post some of him in cap and gown when I get to it.
I'm thinking someone could have told me that my hair looked like shit and that the shirt was not "flattering" on my arms! I know I didn't care - those pain pills are great! They make you "not care" about anything, and... I was out of my wheelchair for a moment! Yay!! But, other than me? Look at those men of mine!!
Aunt Hilary came from Canada for the big occassion!
My mom and dad helped out/did the entire party!! Thank you!! - no Scott and Kevin are not gay - they just pretend. A lot!!
Jeff and his two best friends, Josh and Jayson. Jayson is actually sleeping here tonight. I love him!!
Jeff and his school friends. His girlfriend, Chanel is the one hugging him (along with Josh who is the huggiest man I've ever met!)
Next up for Jeff is Graduate School. He's going to University of Florida for that. He will, eventually, be a CPA (the US equivilant of a CA) and follow in his daddy's footsteps.
Scott: Has a girlfriend. She's very "peppy" and sweet. Unfortunately she lives in Orlando so guess where Scott's staying this summer? Whatever. Here's a picture of them:
Kevin: Home. Trying to work. He was with a company selling "meat" door to door - yah, yah, too funny! Meat as in steak and chicken, y'all! Get your minds out of the gutter!! He quit that, yesterday - but not before getting me lots of steak, chicken and fish at cost! Woohoo!! He's going to start looking for a different job tomorrow. There's not many jobs out there, I must say. If you like telemarketing? C'mon down to Florida!! That's the only jobs available, it seems. He may just have to do it. It does pay well.
Andrew - Currently in Europe. Just for a week this time. Happy at his job and wishing I would hurry up and heal so everything can get back to normal. He's been such a rock through this whole thing. He has to do everything, you know. All the laundry, cooking, cleaning, groceries. Everything! I love you, Babe!!
That's all, for now. Are you happy, Shelley? LOL!!
ttfn!
Friday, April 17, 2009
I'm Bored
Waiting is very boring. I'm just waiting for the hip replacement.
My day looks like this:
wake up and go get coffee and eat breakfast
play on computer for an hour or two
watch tv
get lunch
play on computer
read
watch tv.... and on and on
I've had a little bit of a reprieve this week from the boredom.
Christy came and took me to her church to help sort "stuff" for their bazaar. Jeff & Chanel came on Saturday and we shopped for a dress for Chanel (not Jeff! LOL!!) for an upcoming Formal. Then they came again on Wednesday to pick up the dress from the alterations guy and Chanel and I went shopping some more. The stayed for dinner. Thursday night Kirsten texted me saying she was at the Melting Pot chatting with Heather who bartends there. I texted back saying I'd be right over. So over I go with Andrew...just assuming that was an invitation. Turns out she was meeting a date there! So we just kind of....well...invited ourselves on her first date with a guy!! Well? I really thought it was an invitation!!
So...we sit at the bar and eat and drink and laugh - a lot. I have three green apple martinis. I didn't think anything of it. We got home and I was in a lot of pain from sitting on the bar stools so I have a pain pill. Boom!! It hit me. I went to bed. I don't actually even remember going to bed!! I slept for 12 hours straight!! Best sleep I've had in a really long time!! The pain usually wakes me up several times. I think I've stumbled on a "good thing"!! Yay!!!
My surgery is in a week and 3 days. I'm really looking forward to it. I went to a hip replacement class they have at the hospital. I was, by far, the youngest person there. Ugh! It was very informative. Great class! I found out I'll probably be in the hospital for 3 - 4 nights and then home. I'll use a walker for the first 2 - 3 weeks then back to the cane. Will have home rehab till I can get to therapy on my own - which may be a while since it's the right hip being done and that's my driving leg.
Kid-wise: Jeff's graduating from college on May 9th! He's going to work for the summer and then go to University of Florida for his MBA. He has to go an extra year to become a CPA (the American equivilant of a CA) so he might as well stay a little while longer and get his MBA.
Scotty is still doing ROTC. Still wants to be a pilot. He just received a $1,000 scholarship from ROTC for being outstanding and will get his name on a plaque in the ROTC building. I'm a very proud mama!!
Kevin is still doing ROTC. Now wants to be some sort of something where it's dangerous and he would go in and save soldiers who are in enemy territory...or something like that. It's crazy, whatever it is! Suits Kevin, just fine!! ROFL!!!
Andrew...perfect as ever. I love him soooo much!!!
Oh...sad news....Duffy (out sweet dog) died. Cancer. Sucks. Sad. It's been two weeks and I'm still looking for him around the house. I miss him.
Mom and dad will still be here when I get my hip replacement so they're going to help me when I get home.
I think that's it.
ttfn!
My day looks like this:
wake up and go get coffee and eat breakfast
play on computer for an hour or two
watch tv
get lunch
play on computer
read
watch tv.... and on and on
I've had a little bit of a reprieve this week from the boredom.
Christy came and took me to her church to help sort "stuff" for their bazaar. Jeff & Chanel came on Saturday and we shopped for a dress for Chanel (not Jeff! LOL!!) for an upcoming Formal. Then they came again on Wednesday to pick up the dress from the alterations guy and Chanel and I went shopping some more. The stayed for dinner. Thursday night Kirsten texted me saying she was at the Melting Pot chatting with Heather who bartends there. I texted back saying I'd be right over. So over I go with Andrew...just assuming that was an invitation. Turns out she was meeting a date there! So we just kind of....well...invited ourselves on her first date with a guy!! Well? I really thought it was an invitation!!
So...we sit at the bar and eat and drink and laugh - a lot. I have three green apple martinis. I didn't think anything of it. We got home and I was in a lot of pain from sitting on the bar stools so I have a pain pill. Boom!! It hit me. I went to bed. I don't actually even remember going to bed!! I slept for 12 hours straight!! Best sleep I've had in a really long time!! The pain usually wakes me up several times. I think I've stumbled on a "good thing"!! Yay!!!
My surgery is in a week and 3 days. I'm really looking forward to it. I went to a hip replacement class they have at the hospital. I was, by far, the youngest person there. Ugh! It was very informative. Great class! I found out I'll probably be in the hospital for 3 - 4 nights and then home. I'll use a walker for the first 2 - 3 weeks then back to the cane. Will have home rehab till I can get to therapy on my own - which may be a while since it's the right hip being done and that's my driving leg.
Kid-wise: Jeff's graduating from college on May 9th! He's going to work for the summer and then go to University of Florida for his MBA. He has to go an extra year to become a CPA (the American equivilant of a CA) so he might as well stay a little while longer and get his MBA.
Scotty is still doing ROTC. Still wants to be a pilot. He just received a $1,000 scholarship from ROTC for being outstanding and will get his name on a plaque in the ROTC building. I'm a very proud mama!!
Kevin is still doing ROTC. Now wants to be some sort of something where it's dangerous and he would go in and save soldiers who are in enemy territory...or something like that. It's crazy, whatever it is! Suits Kevin, just fine!! ROFL!!!
Andrew...perfect as ever. I love him soooo much!!!
Oh...sad news....Duffy (out sweet dog) died. Cancer. Sucks. Sad. It's been two weeks and I'm still looking for him around the house. I miss him.
Mom and dad will still be here when I get my hip replacement so they're going to help me when I get home.
I think that's it.
ttfn!
Wednesday, March 25, 2009
Getting a Hip Replacement
Boy! Sorry for not updating earlier. I guess I thought about doing it so I thought I'd done it but hadn't.
Okay, so here goes:
Went to a doctor who supposedly knows all about AVN. It was sure a surprise to him! He said that, no, he does not. He did agree with the other doctor that I should probably get a core decompression done. He also decided that he should do a cortisone shot to see if it would take some swelling down in the hip. Boy! Did that hurt! The next day I could hardly walk, for pete's sake. Anyway, it didn't work. The pain didn't subside. Even a teeny tiny bit.
So I decided to do some research of my own. I found an online support group of people with AVN. Almost every single one of these people has had asthma bad enough to be on major doses of prednisone - just like me. Many of them have battle cancer, too. What I found was that core decompression is not a cure. It just puts off the eventual hip replacement. It's not guaranteed to make the pain go away, either.
So, I decided to go back to my original doctor and get a hip replacement done. Now, when I first went to him a year ago, he said he could do both hips at the same time. Since I have gained 20 lbs in the meantime? No such luck. So, I'm going to do the right hip on April 27. When I've recovered from that one I'll do the left hip.
I've applied for short term disability. I haven't heard back, yet. It's certainly not guaranteed that I'll get it. This is a pre-existing condition so we'll see. I really want the disability now so that I can try to get into some sort of better shape prior to surgery. The aquafit class and beginner yoga classes I want to go to are only offered on weekday mornings so I'd like to be able to attend those.
In the end, I'm happy to have the hip replacement set up. I'm in so much pain on a daily basis that I could just sit and cry. I know that the hip replacement won't be a walk in the park but I have to stay focused on the end result - just like I did when I was doing chemo.
That's all for today.
ttfn
Okay, so here goes:
Went to a doctor who supposedly knows all about AVN. It was sure a surprise to him! He said that, no, he does not. He did agree with the other doctor that I should probably get a core decompression done. He also decided that he should do a cortisone shot to see if it would take some swelling down in the hip. Boy! Did that hurt! The next day I could hardly walk, for pete's sake. Anyway, it didn't work. The pain didn't subside. Even a teeny tiny bit.
So I decided to do some research of my own. I found an online support group of people with AVN. Almost every single one of these people has had asthma bad enough to be on major doses of prednisone - just like me. Many of them have battle cancer, too. What I found was that core decompression is not a cure. It just puts off the eventual hip replacement. It's not guaranteed to make the pain go away, either.
So, I decided to go back to my original doctor and get a hip replacement done. Now, when I first went to him a year ago, he said he could do both hips at the same time. Since I have gained 20 lbs in the meantime? No such luck. So, I'm going to do the right hip on April 27. When I've recovered from that one I'll do the left hip.
I've applied for short term disability. I haven't heard back, yet. It's certainly not guaranteed that I'll get it. This is a pre-existing condition so we'll see. I really want the disability now so that I can try to get into some sort of better shape prior to surgery. The aquafit class and beginner yoga classes I want to go to are only offered on weekday mornings so I'd like to be able to attend those.
In the end, I'm happy to have the hip replacement set up. I'm in so much pain on a daily basis that I could just sit and cry. I know that the hip replacement won't be a walk in the park but I have to stay focused on the end result - just like I did when I was doing chemo.
That's all for today.
ttfn
Wednesday, March 4, 2009
My Hips
I went for my MRI on Monday. I went to see my doctor on Tuesday. This is what he said.
My hips are 30% dead. They like for your hips to be 50% dead before they'll do a hip replacement. Therefore, he thinks I should do a less invasive operation whereby they drill holes in the hips to reduce the pressure thereby getting rid of the pain. However, he doesn't do this operation.
So...he's going to call around and try to find me a doctor who works with young people with Avascular Necrosis and see what that doctor says.
I have no feelings about this. It's not good, it's not bad, it just is what it is. There's no pill to help with the pain. I told him I've been self-medicating with Green Apple Martinis and he said whatever helps. So, there ya go. I must now go make myself a drink!
TTFN!
My hips are 30% dead. They like for your hips to be 50% dead before they'll do a hip replacement. Therefore, he thinks I should do a less invasive operation whereby they drill holes in the hips to reduce the pressure thereby getting rid of the pain. However, he doesn't do this operation.
So...he's going to call around and try to find me a doctor who works with young people with Avascular Necrosis and see what that doctor says.
I have no feelings about this. It's not good, it's not bad, it just is what it is. There's no pill to help with the pain. I told him I've been self-medicating with Green Apple Martinis and he said whatever helps. So, there ya go. I must now go make myself a drink!
TTFN!
Saturday, February 21, 2009
When Will My Health Shit End?
I would really like to finish writing in the blog. You know. It's the end of cancer. I just have twice a year follow-ups which will all be good and I'll never have cancer again. The problem is that stuff keeps coming up.
The good news is that the port is out. Yay!! It kinda hurt but it was worth it.
The shitty news is that my hips are getting worse. Especially my right hip. I'm in pain most of the time. I say most of the time because....if I drink a few green apple martinis? The pain miraculously goes away. Also, I can make it go away with some left over narcotics from Kevin's broken femur adventure. Ahhh....percocet!! Gotta love it! But most of the time it feels like I have a knife sticking into my hip. Oh, the hip is not the outer part of the body but more the upper groin area. You know where your hip bone is? Well go in about 3 inches and that's where my pain is. All the fucking time. The left hip hurts too but not as bad. It seems to be about three months behind.
So...I was researching getting a double hip replacement. I mean, why do one and go through all that recovery and then do the other and repeat the recovery. I want to do both at the same time, go through recovery and get the fuck on with my life. So, I was researching it and came across this cool new technique. Well, it's new in the States but they've been doing it in Europe for a very long time. It's done on a special table called the Hana table and it enables the surgeon to go in from the front and not cut through major muscle groups and he can do both at the same time. I got all excited about it and looked up if there was a doctor in my area who works with that table.
I found one in Spring Hill which is about an hour north of here. Not too bad a drive for this. I made an appointment and went to see him yesterday. I really, truly thought he'd just say "yah, you need this done" and I'd get an appointment and, hooray!, no more pain. After all, the other ortho guy told me I could get it done anytime I want and when I don't want to live with the pain anymore, call him and we'll book it. Well, it didn't go that way. He wants me to get another MRI because mine is a year old. He also mentioned doing a different procedure first. It's where they drill a hole into the hip and hope that some blood flow goes in there and stops the fast spread of the necrosis (dying bone). It was weird to hear this because the other ortho guy said that that procedure never works. Anyway, I now have to go for the MRI and, if the necrosis isn't too bad, he would want to do this drilling thing and, if the necrosis is bad, he would do hip replacement.
This is very disappointing. I really just want the hip replacements and be done with it. I understand the reasoning behind doing the drilling but am confused because of what the other ortho guy said. Then I realized I've had three orthos. The first one I didn't like. The second I liked and now this third one. I've also had three oncologists. Am I too picky? Crazy? I dunno. All I know is that I'm soooo sick of being a patient and just want to move on.
Anyway, here's an article that describes all this better than I just did:
http://www.orthogate.org/patient-education/hip/avascular-necrosis-of-the-hip.html
So...that's the update on my health. I don't feel like writing anymore so you don't get an update on my life. All I'll say is everything's great.
ttfn
The good news is that the port is out. Yay!! It kinda hurt but it was worth it.
The shitty news is that my hips are getting worse. Especially my right hip. I'm in pain most of the time. I say most of the time because....if I drink a few green apple martinis? The pain miraculously goes away. Also, I can make it go away with some left over narcotics from Kevin's broken femur adventure. Ahhh....percocet!! Gotta love it! But most of the time it feels like I have a knife sticking into my hip. Oh, the hip is not the outer part of the body but more the upper groin area. You know where your hip bone is? Well go in about 3 inches and that's where my pain is. All the fucking time. The left hip hurts too but not as bad. It seems to be about three months behind.
So...I was researching getting a double hip replacement. I mean, why do one and go through all that recovery and then do the other and repeat the recovery. I want to do both at the same time, go through recovery and get the fuck on with my life. So, I was researching it and came across this cool new technique. Well, it's new in the States but they've been doing it in Europe for a very long time. It's done on a special table called the Hana table and it enables the surgeon to go in from the front and not cut through major muscle groups and he can do both at the same time. I got all excited about it and looked up if there was a doctor in my area who works with that table.
I found one in Spring Hill which is about an hour north of here. Not too bad a drive for this. I made an appointment and went to see him yesterday. I really, truly thought he'd just say "yah, you need this done" and I'd get an appointment and, hooray!, no more pain. After all, the other ortho guy told me I could get it done anytime I want and when I don't want to live with the pain anymore, call him and we'll book it. Well, it didn't go that way. He wants me to get another MRI because mine is a year old. He also mentioned doing a different procedure first. It's where they drill a hole into the hip and hope that some blood flow goes in there and stops the fast spread of the necrosis (dying bone). It was weird to hear this because the other ortho guy said that that procedure never works. Anyway, I now have to go for the MRI and, if the necrosis isn't too bad, he would want to do this drilling thing and, if the necrosis is bad, he would do hip replacement.
This is very disappointing. I really just want the hip replacements and be done with it. I understand the reasoning behind doing the drilling but am confused because of what the other ortho guy said. Then I realized I've had three orthos. The first one I didn't like. The second I liked and now this third one. I've also had three oncologists. Am I too picky? Crazy? I dunno. All I know is that I'm soooo sick of being a patient and just want to move on.
Anyway, here's an article that describes all this better than I just did:
http://www.orthogate.org/patient-education/hip/avascular-necrosis-of-the-hip.html
So...that's the update on my health. I don't feel like writing anymore so you don't get an update on my life. All I'll say is everything's great.
ttfn
Friday, January 23, 2009
I'm Done!!
Well, it's official! I'm done my treatments! There are so many great things about that. First off? I get my port out! Yay!! I really have a huge love/hate relationship with it. It got me through chemo and Herceptin so easily but it's really ugly. Anyway, that's so great to get rid of it (Friday 7 am - I didn't even know 7 am existed! LOL!!). The other great thing is that I don't have to remember to go for my treatments every third week. It's hard to remember, you know.
Oh! Interestingly enough, while I was at the Oncologists I found an article that talks about chemo brain and how women who have gone through breast cancer chemo, in particular, complain about chemo brain. Chemo brain is when you have a really weird memory. Like, I can't remember people's names who I've known and loved for years, I can't remember what I did over the weekend, what I ate for lunch. Stuff like that. I used to have a pretty decent vocabulary but that seems to be leaving me. It's just weird. Anyway, they're starting to do some (this is a good example of chemo-brain - I just read about it 1/2 an hour ago and can't think of the word) studies (I went and looked it up) to see if there's anything that can be done. My family would sure be happy if I could improve. I think they're getting frustrated with me not remembering some pretty important things.
Ok, that's it for my update, for now. Andrew's taking me out for a romantic dinner tonight. Woohoo!! I love romance!!
TTFN peeps!
Oh! Interestingly enough, while I was at the Oncologists I found an article that talks about chemo brain and how women who have gone through breast cancer chemo, in particular, complain about chemo brain. Chemo brain is when you have a really weird memory. Like, I can't remember people's names who I've known and loved for years, I can't remember what I did over the weekend, what I ate for lunch. Stuff like that. I used to have a pretty decent vocabulary but that seems to be leaving me. It's just weird. Anyway, they're starting to do some (this is a good example of chemo-brain - I just read about it 1/2 an hour ago and can't think of the word) studies (I went and looked it up) to see if there's anything that can be done. My family would sure be happy if I could improve. I think they're getting frustrated with me not remembering some pretty important things.
Ok, that's it for my update, for now. Andrew's taking me out for a romantic dinner tonight. Woohoo!! I love romance!!
TTFN peeps!
Sunday, January 4, 2009
Wow! I haven't blogged for quite a while, eh? Well, here's a big update.
This is Christy. She's one of my best friends. I love her. Isn't she cute? She's from the south and says y'all and other "south" stuff. So cute. I don't see her enough. Hey, Christy! Let's make a New Year's resolution to see each other more! Love ya! Oh! And see in the background. That's the only picture I got of Kevin. He's the built one in brown.
Got this one! That's Jeff and Josh in the picture with me.
I'll start with the tattoo. I got one. I love it. Yes, it hurt. Here it is:
It's on my right shoulder. I did it while Andrew was away. I thought it would be a "good" surprise but I didn't read that one very well. He wanted to be involved in the process of picking the tattoo. Understandable. He's not mad just a little disappointed. I would be too so I completely understand. My bad. Anyway, I had told Scott & Kevin I was doing it and could they be there with me to hold my hand. No, they couldn't. They had parties to go to. Jeff couldn't be here either so I talked my mom into going with me. She wasn't happy about that. She hates tattoos. I decided to do it anyway and then? I woke up on Saturday morning and there was Scott & Kevin!! Home!! Just for me!! I love those boys!! And I did need the hand holding 'cause it really did hurt.
Then came my birthday. I hadn't had a birthday party since I was 13 and was complaining about it one night when my parents were here and my mom said "well, I'll give you one". So she did. It was so fun! Most of my favourite people were there and I love love loved it! Here's some pics:
Jeff's best friend, Jayson, me and Scott. Yes, I felt very short. See the necklace? My boys gave it to me for my birthday! I love it! They also gave me a blue version of the same one. Jayson is one of Jeff's best friends. Josh is Jeff's other best friend. He's in a later picture. They arrived with flowers in hand. They make me feel so special - I love those boys. When I was in chemo, they'd get on the phone with me and chat a little and send their love. Sweet, sweet boys.
This is Christy. She's one of my best friends. I love her. Isn't she cute? She's from the south and says y'all and other "south" stuff. So cute. I don't see her enough. Hey, Christy! Let's make a New Year's resolution to see each other more! Love ya! Oh! And see in the background. That's the only picture I got of Kevin. He's the built one in brown.
Me playing beer pong. I was a "Celebrity Shot" so I didn't have to drink I just got to shoot. I missed this shot but.....
Got this one! That's Jeff and Josh in the picture with me.
Andrew tried his hand at it, too!
My computer stopped letting me comment beside the pictures. Weird. Anyway the next two pictures are of the cake. Ruth is in the background. She's a friend from one of my earlier jobs and she's the one who gave me a beautiful prayer that Kim read prior to my breast surgery. She is a beautiful person. The other one in the background is Jim. He's a dad from hockey. I hung out with he and his wife, Robin all the time. Love them! Then, the bottom picture is my momma helping me blow out the candles. Thank you momma! I definitely couldn't have done it without you!! And thank you for my party....it was soooo fun!!
I just realized that you can see my port in all the pictures. It's that lump above my left boob. I hate that thing. It'll be coming out in late January! Yay!!
Then came Christmas. It was lovely. The Halls came for dinner and my mom and dad came, too. Mr & Mrs Hall are friends of the family and have been for about 30 years. Mr Hall is a "funny guy" with a huge heart and Mrs Hall is my third mom. She loves me, I love her. Oh, and Joanne? She gave me huge hug for you....Thanks!! ROFL!!
Then came New Years. We had dinner in with the boys and then Andrew & I went to Jack Willies for fun. It's an outdoor tiki bar. There was a band and weird characters and it was fun (a little chilly, though, by Florida standards). As soon as the New Years' kiss was done? We headed inside.
The kids have been home this whole time. It's nice to have them home but, boy, do those kids ever eat a lot!
Oh, as for cancer stuff. I did my second to last Herceptin this week. I'm almost done!! It'll be so nice to not have to go for treatments anymore but scary at the same time. As I mentioned earlier I'll be able to get my port out when the treatments are done. That'll be nice. I hate that thing. I mean, I love that it enabled me to get the treatments pain-free but it really is an ugly little thing, ya know?
I haven't met my new oncologist yet. I'll meet her on January 21. I've been told she's great. I did some checking on her and it seems she's more of a blood oncologist. I'll have to ask her a bunch of questions. I want someone who knows everything there is to know about breast cancer so, we'll see. I met up with my radiation oncologist at a restaurant in December and he said he can recommend someone good so I'll probably do that and change oncologists again. So much drama. Ugh!! I hate drama. It's just too draining.
Happy New Years everyone!
ttfn!
Thursday, December 11, 2008
I Dropped My Oncologist
Well, I did it. It was so uncomfortable for me! OMG!!
My mom went with me for moral support (Andrew's in Europe) and, boy, was I glad she was there. We went in and I asked the receptionist how to switch oncologists. She said I could and that she'd find out how. My mom and I were just sitting there discussing with the receptionist why and a lady came in and started filling up her coffee cup. Little did we know it was the office manager. Well, actually, she was more important than the office manager but I can't remember what her official title was - kinda like a patient advocate.
Anyway, she asked what was happening and I told her and she asked if I would like her to/could she come into the meeting with the doctor. I said sure. The more support I had, the better. So, in we went. I had my regular appointment and then I started asking him more questions about the lymph node (which he swore had no issues) and the nodule. He kept saying that the nodule (that's the thing I had the biopsy on in October) and the lymph node issue were the same. I kept saying they weren't. He read the biopsy report over and over and I kept reiterating that there were two issues. He kept disagreeing and we kept going around and around again. My mom tried to help, too. It was just so frustrating. Finally, after about 15 minutes of doing this, he saw that, yes, there are two issues.
By this point I'm thinking "OMG! Is this a language barrier (he's Brazilian) or am I smarter than the oncologist who isn't reading the results properly?" In the end he admitted that I was right. Did this feel good? No. Not at all. I was relieved that he finally saw what I saw but it was really annoying and frustrating. Usually, when I'm right? I'm all proud and ha ha ha-ish. In yo' face sucka!! This time? I was just tired of the whole thing. I explained to him that I really felt we had a communication issue and that I felt he was dismissive to me and that I really need to switch doctors. This whole thing took about 1/2 hour. By the end of it I was shaking and just relieved that it was over.
I'm really glad that the office lady was there to see the entire thing unfold. My hope is not that she sees I'm right. That is so beside the point. My hope is that other women will not have to go through the frustration and doubt that I had to go through. I can, honestly, feel my blood pressure rising as I write about it. I have been asked why I didn't just switch doctors and not go through the whole "confrontation" with the doctor. My answer is that, first off, I wanted to give him a chance to rectify the situation. I also wanted him to know why I was leaving to go to someone else. I really, really hope that he'll try harder and do better with the next woman to walk in his office.
Anyway, I'm switching to a lady doctor in the same office. I've heard nice things about her and I hope with my entire heart that I will like her.
Last night, I had a huge asthma attack. I'm off the prednisone, now, and I woke up at midnight coughing and not able to breathe. It was so scary! I was all alone in the house. I grabbed my nebulizer (a breathing machine) and started that up. Thank goodness that helped but I'm sure breathless today and my chest hurts so much. It's like I have bruised lungs. Jeff & Chanel are coming home tonight so I'll feel much better having them in the house in case it happens again. I think it has to do with the stress of the whole "dropping the oncologist" thing, though. I do think stress contributes to asthma.
Anyway, I'm looking forward to Jeff and Chanel coming home tonight. I'm looking forward to Andrew coming home on Saturday. I'm looking forward to Scott & Kevin coming home on Sunday. I'm looking forward to going to CHITTY CHITTY BANG BANG on Sunday. It's a theatre production and he's taking me for my birthday!! Yeah!!! I'm also looking forward to a birthday party on Monday night! It's very last minute but I really, really wanted one so my mom and dad are throwing one for me. So fun!!!
That's all for now.
TTFN!
ps - Tuesday was Donny's birthday, just fyi!!
My mom went with me for moral support (Andrew's in Europe) and, boy, was I glad she was there. We went in and I asked the receptionist how to switch oncologists. She said I could and that she'd find out how. My mom and I were just sitting there discussing with the receptionist why and a lady came in and started filling up her coffee cup. Little did we know it was the office manager. Well, actually, she was more important than the office manager but I can't remember what her official title was - kinda like a patient advocate.
Anyway, she asked what was happening and I told her and she asked if I would like her to/could she come into the meeting with the doctor. I said sure. The more support I had, the better. So, in we went. I had my regular appointment and then I started asking him more questions about the lymph node (which he swore had no issues) and the nodule. He kept saying that the nodule (that's the thing I had the biopsy on in October) and the lymph node issue were the same. I kept saying they weren't. He read the biopsy report over and over and I kept reiterating that there were two issues. He kept disagreeing and we kept going around and around again. My mom tried to help, too. It was just so frustrating. Finally, after about 15 minutes of doing this, he saw that, yes, there are two issues.
By this point I'm thinking "OMG! Is this a language barrier (he's Brazilian) or am I smarter than the oncologist who isn't reading the results properly?" In the end he admitted that I was right. Did this feel good? No. Not at all. I was relieved that he finally saw what I saw but it was really annoying and frustrating. Usually, when I'm right? I'm all proud and ha ha ha-ish. In yo' face sucka!! This time? I was just tired of the whole thing. I explained to him that I really felt we had a communication issue and that I felt he was dismissive to me and that I really need to switch doctors. This whole thing took about 1/2 hour. By the end of it I was shaking and just relieved that it was over.
I'm really glad that the office lady was there to see the entire thing unfold. My hope is not that she sees I'm right. That is so beside the point. My hope is that other women will not have to go through the frustration and doubt that I had to go through. I can, honestly, feel my blood pressure rising as I write about it. I have been asked why I didn't just switch doctors and not go through the whole "confrontation" with the doctor. My answer is that, first off, I wanted to give him a chance to rectify the situation. I also wanted him to know why I was leaving to go to someone else. I really, really hope that he'll try harder and do better with the next woman to walk in his office.
Anyway, I'm switching to a lady doctor in the same office. I've heard nice things about her and I hope with my entire heart that I will like her.
Last night, I had a huge asthma attack. I'm off the prednisone, now, and I woke up at midnight coughing and not able to breathe. It was so scary! I was all alone in the house. I grabbed my nebulizer (a breathing machine) and started that up. Thank goodness that helped but I'm sure breathless today and my chest hurts so much. It's like I have bruised lungs. Jeff & Chanel are coming home tonight so I'll feel much better having them in the house in case it happens again. I think it has to do with the stress of the whole "dropping the oncologist" thing, though. I do think stress contributes to asthma.
Anyway, I'm looking forward to Jeff and Chanel coming home tonight. I'm looking forward to Andrew coming home on Saturday. I'm looking forward to Scott & Kevin coming home on Sunday. I'm looking forward to going to CHITTY CHITTY BANG BANG on Sunday. It's a theatre production and he's taking me for my birthday!! Yeah!!! I'm also looking forward to a birthday party on Monday night! It's very last minute but I really, really wanted one so my mom and dad are throwing one for me. So fun!!!
That's all for now.
TTFN!
ps - Tuesday was Donny's birthday, just fyi!!
Friday, December 5, 2008
The Antibiotics Are Kicking In!!
Yay!!! I'm feeling quite a bit better today. Just a little coughing and no barking cough, either.
I have decided to drop my current oncologist. I've decided this because I am really dreading going in for my Herceptin on Wednesday. That's not at all like me. I enjoy going in and getting the Herceptin. Welcoming this cancer fighting drug into my body. I even cheer it on (in my head).
Go Herceptin Go, Fight Herceptin Fight, Win
Herceptin Win, Go Fight Win!!!
Over and over. But now that I have a shithead asshole oncologist I don't want to go so I'm switching. He switched offices and there's a lady oncologist who, I've been told, is nice. I only have three more Herceptins left so I'm doing it.
Then....if I like the lady I'll stay with her and if I don't I'll find a new one. There's got to be one around here I like, right? I'm just asking for someone who will listen and then talk to me in a non-dismissive fashion. I don't think that's too much to ask.
I feel good about this decision and I feel good that I'm feeling better.
Onward and upward, right?
ttfn!!
I have decided to drop my current oncologist. I've decided this because I am really dreading going in for my Herceptin on Wednesday. That's not at all like me. I enjoy going in and getting the Herceptin. Welcoming this cancer fighting drug into my body. I even cheer it on (in my head).
Go Herceptin Go, Fight Herceptin Fight, Win
Herceptin Win, Go Fight Win!!!
Over and over. But now that I have a shithead asshole oncologist I don't want to go so I'm switching. He switched offices and there's a lady oncologist who, I've been told, is nice. I only have three more Herceptins left so I'm doing it.
Then....if I like the lady I'll stay with her and if I don't I'll find a new one. There's got to be one around here I like, right? I'm just asking for someone who will listen and then talk to me in a non-dismissive fashion. I don't think that's too much to ask.
I feel good about this decision and I feel good that I'm feeling better.
Onward and upward, right?
ttfn!!
Thursday, December 4, 2008
I'm Back and Sick....shit!
Well...It happened. My asthma reared it's Fuckerhead again. Ugh! I hate asthma.
We had a great trip, though.
We (Jeff, Andrew and I) flew in to Buffalo, got our rental car and headed to my sister, Kim's. It was very relaxing. We laughed a lot and loved a lot. I got to see sweet Tyler and Jeff got to go hunting for the first time. They didn't get anything but he loved it. I sure wouldn't be surprised to see Jeff move up north some day. I love Kim's family and they go to bed nice and early, like us, so it was wonderful that way, too.
Then, on Tuesday, we headed to Niagara Falls via the Buffalo airport. Scott and Kevin flew in from Orlando and we went across the border Tuesday night instead of Wednesday when we thought it might be more crowded. The boys got in at midnight(ish) so we stayed at a cheap hotel. It was actually pretty ok.
Then Wednesday we went to visit my brother, Steve and his daughter, Sam. We went to Swiss Chalet for lunch. Sam's such a hoot. Seriously! That kid makes me laugh so hard. She's got a very dry sense of humour. Sometimes it takes me a second or two to "get it" and then I laugh and then she laughs 'cause I didn't get it very quickly and it's all very funny. My brother told us all about his trip out west this past summer and I told him some "Donny" stories and he laughed at me and it was very fun.
From there we went to Jane (Andrew sister) and Craig's place for a night. They have three kids, Cameron (grade 8), Riley (grade 3 ish) and Abby (kindergarten). They couldn't be more different. Amazing how that happens, eh? Anyway, it was fun.
The next day (Thursday) we went and had lunch with Andrew's mom and then we went to Steve (Andrew's brother) and Monika's. We got there before them and checked out their new decor. Something's always changing in that house. They're renovators. They have three boys Michael, Daniel and Adam (ages 10, 8 & 6 respectively - I think). Scott, Kevin & I went and watched Daniel and Adam do their martial arts class. OMG! memories...like the corners of my mind.......oops, sorry. Got lost for a moment, there. It was fun/funny. Went back to their place for dinner and wine. Well, everyone else had wine. I will go back a moment...
Friday night, before we even started our trip? My tummy was very, very upset. So upset that I actually fell asleep on the toilet in the middle of the night. Ugh....so......getting on a couple of planes the next day? Not good. First off, like many women? I do not poop in public. That's right, I said it. I do not poop in public. Well, with this? No choice. So, I was in the bathroom at the airport and I yelled out "Sorry!" and let it rip. LOL!!! I'm not kidding. Then I'd flush the toilet as I'm "doing it" in hopes that I won't smell up the joint. How's that for telling it like it is. It was awful!! So, when we got to Kim's? First thing I did was run to their bathroom, yell sorry and let it rip. ROFL!! This stayed like that all the way until Thursday. I missed some amazing wine through it all and that's where I remembered it because Steve and Monika had some good wine and Craig had bought my very favourite wine in the world and I missed it all 'cause of some stupid stomach bug.
OK, back to the trip. Friday we headed out to Niagara Falls for the 80th birthday festivities. We took Steve & Monika's three boys. Mum C had a beautiful suite overlooking the falls. I dubbed this "the party suite" and that's what it turned into. We were all on the same floor and it was so much fun! Unfortunately, I started to come down with a cough on Friday afternoon. My bark cough - which is never good. By Sunday, the big breakfast morning when all of us could be together and get a big family picture? I was sicker than sick. I stayed in bed until we had to leave. I had a fever and was coughing and sneezing and my nose ran so far away I had to find it before we got to the border. Crap! You know, I don't even remember coming home...much. I remember lying across a bunch of seats. I remember being wheeled around by some guy who wanted me to talk and I finally said "If you stop making me talk I'll give you a big tip at the end." I'm so not kidding. He started to say something again and I just put my finger to my lips and said "shhhhh". Bitch, eh? I don't actually remember much else. I slept a lot.
So, all in all it was a good trip. Missed seeing my sister, Karen again. She lives a couple of hours outside Toronto and it's just too far for us to go on such a short trip and too far for her to come on a weeknight. Next time, I hope.
I went to the doctor on Tuesday. Got antibiotics, prednisone, medicine for my nebulizer and a note to be off work for a week. From here? The antibiotic will give me a yeast infection (that's cunt itch for all you men out there. ROFL!!!), the prednisone will make me mean, hungry and have a moon face. It's already coming. I hate prednisone but it's saved my life in the past so I have to take it, don't I. The nebulizer's fine. I'm trying a new medicine that's ok. whatever.
I guess that's all for me. I'm tired. It took me all day to write this (write, go to bed, write, go to bed etc until 7:08 at night) and I don't feel like spellchecking so just bear with me on that.
TTFN peeps
We had a great trip, though.
We (Jeff, Andrew and I) flew in to Buffalo, got our rental car and headed to my sister, Kim's. It was very relaxing. We laughed a lot and loved a lot. I got to see sweet Tyler and Jeff got to go hunting for the first time. They didn't get anything but he loved it. I sure wouldn't be surprised to see Jeff move up north some day. I love Kim's family and they go to bed nice and early, like us, so it was wonderful that way, too.
Then, on Tuesday, we headed to Niagara Falls via the Buffalo airport. Scott and Kevin flew in from Orlando and we went across the border Tuesday night instead of Wednesday when we thought it might be more crowded. The boys got in at midnight(ish) so we stayed at a cheap hotel. It was actually pretty ok.
Then Wednesday we went to visit my brother, Steve and his daughter, Sam. We went to Swiss Chalet for lunch. Sam's such a hoot. Seriously! That kid makes me laugh so hard. She's got a very dry sense of humour. Sometimes it takes me a second or two to "get it" and then I laugh and then she laughs 'cause I didn't get it very quickly and it's all very funny. My brother told us all about his trip out west this past summer and I told him some "Donny" stories and he laughed at me and it was very fun.
From there we went to Jane (Andrew sister) and Craig's place for a night. They have three kids, Cameron (grade 8), Riley (grade 3 ish) and Abby (kindergarten). They couldn't be more different. Amazing how that happens, eh? Anyway, it was fun.
The next day (Thursday) we went and had lunch with Andrew's mom and then we went to Steve (Andrew's brother) and Monika's. We got there before them and checked out their new decor. Something's always changing in that house. They're renovators. They have three boys Michael, Daniel and Adam (ages 10, 8 & 6 respectively - I think). Scott, Kevin & I went and watched Daniel and Adam do their martial arts class. OMG! memories...like the corners of my mind.......oops, sorry. Got lost for a moment, there. It was fun/funny. Went back to their place for dinner and wine. Well, everyone else had wine. I will go back a moment...
Friday night, before we even started our trip? My tummy was very, very upset. So upset that I actually fell asleep on the toilet in the middle of the night. Ugh....so......getting on a couple of planes the next day? Not good. First off, like many women? I do not poop in public. That's right, I said it. I do not poop in public. Well, with this? No choice. So, I was in the bathroom at the airport and I yelled out "Sorry!" and let it rip. LOL!!! I'm not kidding. Then I'd flush the toilet as I'm "doing it" in hopes that I won't smell up the joint. How's that for telling it like it is. It was awful!! So, when we got to Kim's? First thing I did was run to their bathroom, yell sorry and let it rip. ROFL!! This stayed like that all the way until Thursday. I missed some amazing wine through it all and that's where I remembered it because Steve and Monika had some good wine and Craig had bought my very favourite wine in the world and I missed it all 'cause of some stupid stomach bug.
OK, back to the trip. Friday we headed out to Niagara Falls for the 80th birthday festivities. We took Steve & Monika's three boys. Mum C had a beautiful suite overlooking the falls. I dubbed this "the party suite" and that's what it turned into. We were all on the same floor and it was so much fun! Unfortunately, I started to come down with a cough on Friday afternoon. My bark cough - which is never good. By Sunday, the big breakfast morning when all of us could be together and get a big family picture? I was sicker than sick. I stayed in bed until we had to leave. I had a fever and was coughing and sneezing and my nose ran so far away I had to find it before we got to the border. Crap! You know, I don't even remember coming home...much. I remember lying across a bunch of seats. I remember being wheeled around by some guy who wanted me to talk and I finally said "If you stop making me talk I'll give you a big tip at the end." I'm so not kidding. He started to say something again and I just put my finger to my lips and said "shhhhh". Bitch, eh? I don't actually remember much else. I slept a lot.
So, all in all it was a good trip. Missed seeing my sister, Karen again. She lives a couple of hours outside Toronto and it's just too far for us to go on such a short trip and too far for her to come on a weeknight. Next time, I hope.
I went to the doctor on Tuesday. Got antibiotics, prednisone, medicine for my nebulizer and a note to be off work for a week. From here? The antibiotic will give me a yeast infection (that's cunt itch for all you men out there. ROFL!!!), the prednisone will make me mean, hungry and have a moon face. It's already coming. I hate prednisone but it's saved my life in the past so I have to take it, don't I. The nebulizer's fine. I'm trying a new medicine that's ok. whatever.
I guess that's all for me. I'm tired. It took me all day to write this (write, go to bed, write, go to bed etc until 7:08 at night) and I don't feel like spellchecking so just bear with me on that.
TTFN peeps
Friday, November 21, 2008
I'm Off to Canada!
And scared shitless that it's so cold 
up there that I'll end up having an asthma attack and have to come home early.I gotta tell ya, cancer's one thing. I mean it scares you and you think you'll die and the treatment sucks and the chemo brain is horrible but, mostly, it's over. Asthma? I always have to be aware. Is there a breeze? Is it going to dip below 60 degrees? Is anyone smoking in the near vicinity
? Is there a fan on 
? Is there someone close by with perfume on? All these things set me off and more. I'm always watchful.The worst thing is leaving a building. There's no smoking in the building so people smoke right outside the building. I have to hold my breath but I have asthma so holding my breath for any length of time is near impossible. It's a daily thing.
In my job I go on home visits. I have to ask if they smoke prior to going. If they do, I have to meet them somewhere or give the sale away to someone else. They always say "well, I won't smoke when you get here" or "we only smoke outside" but that never works. The house is full of smoke "debris" if they smoke inside and if they smoke outside, invariably it does end up inside. At least a little bit. Ugh! What a pain in the ass. I have several friends who smoke and I can't even go to their houses. So, what I'm trying to say is that I'm not actually scared of smoke for this trip but I am scared of the cold.
I don't think I said that clearly but that's what I'm trying to say. LOL!!I'm also not looking forward to driving in snow.
We haven't done that for seven years and when we did we had a big 'ol Suburban to plow us through. We're renting a smallish car that, I'm pretty sure, won't "plow" through the snow.I also had to try to find clothes to wear. I had to buy a bunch. Shoot, truthfully, Kevin never wears long pants. He's a shorts and flip flops kinda guy. He had to rummage up some pants that would fit. And boots
? We don't have any. Mitts 
? Nope. Hats 
? Nope. OMG!! Do you think I could whine any louder?!! ROFL!!!Anyway, I don't think we'll do this again....but we just had to go for Andrew's mom's 80th birthday.
Just had to. And...I am looking forward to seeing everyone up there! Yay!!!!Everyone have a great Thanksgiving
and I'll post in December.TTFN!!
(could you guess that I found a smiley place? LOL!!)
Sunday, November 16, 2008
One Year Ago & What I've Learned
It was one year ago yesterday that I had my first chemo. It was one year ago today that I was waiting for the side effects to kick in. I read my post from one year ago and it didn't seem so bad. I was in pretty good spirits for a girl who was about to lose her hair, had already partially lost a breast and didn't know if she'd live for another year or not. Yep. Pretty good spirits.
What I'm going to address today is the fallout of cancer. The after effects - both physical and mental. It's not pretty so pull up your big girl/boy panties and go ahead and read it...or not. I'm just puttin' it out there. This is my blog. It's about me. About my feelings and "stuff". If your feelings are hurt by this entry? Hmmm.....maybe you should think about your choices. You've been warned.
OK, physically, I haven't been totally upfront. Yes, I lost my hair. Yes, I gained back all the weight I had so diligently lost...and then some. Yes, I will need a double hip replacement in a couple of years and yes, my brain has turned into mush. My hair is now wavy and I haven't got a clue how to style it since I've had stick straight hair all my life.
What I haven't said is how devastating it is to have a huge dent in my breast. It's huge, people. I know I'm lucky to have a breast. I get that. But the truth is I am deformed. It's not something anyone other than my mom, Kim and Andrew have seen but I live with it every day. Every day I take off my bra. Every day I put on my bra. Every other day I shower. Every day I see my deformity not once but at least twice.
I went to my family doctor and asked him for the name of a good plastic surgeon. I told him how I felt and then I joked that "at least I have a nipple". Then, when I got to thinking about it? It's no different. Yes, I have my own breast but it's not pretty. I don't let Andrew touch it and I rarely let him see it. If he sees it it's by accident on my part. I almost think I'd rather have a "fake" breast. At least it would be pretty. Nippleless but pretty, with a matching one, to boot.
Also, just so you all know? Here's were it gets personal so you may want to skip this if you want. Menopause sucks. The hot flashes? All consuming. It happens and you forget what you're even doing or talking about because you're so hot and all you can think about is getting your clothes off. Ironically, while you're sopping wet on the outside on the inside? Exactly opposite. Dry as a bone. (See? I warned you!!) My skin is dry. Inside my nose is dry. Inside my va jay jay? dry too. It's gotten much better as time has progressed past the chemo but it really sucked for a while there. Anyway, I'm really glad that that part has fixed itself but there was a few months there when it was not good and nothing worked to help.
That's all for the physical part. Here's the "other" part.
I've mentioned before that some people dropped me. I just never heard from them again. It may have just been a "course of time" thing. Kevin stopped playing hockey (because of the broken leg) so that let's some people out of our lives just because the only time we saw them was at hockey. I also changed jobs so others fell by the wayside that way. But, there are some who I really expected to hang in there that just didn't. But, I've mentioned that before. What I haven't mentioned is
#1 I picked up some friends that I really really cherish, now. Holly and Susan P. They're friends of my cousin, Judy. Both have sent me e-mails and followed my blogs. I, in turn, have followed their blogs and feel like I have some new friends in Kitchener. Mrs Young follows my blog and a fellow cheerleader from high school who I didn't even think would remember me. Susan from the UK and many more.
#2 People who didn't pay any attention to me before suddenly started commenting on my blog and calling me and e-mailing me. It was really weird. Like, they didn't like me/didn't give me the time of day prior to me having cancer but, suddenly, they love me and give me encouragement. I must say. I was very wary of these people. It turned out that, now that I'm "over" the cancer? They've fallen by the wayside, too. I just don't hear from them. I think that's really weird.
#3 I thought relationships would change. I really did. I cherish people more, now. I reach out and call them. Do I get anything back? Not usually. I was really home sick this summer. Really home sick. I had gone through hell and back and just wanted to see people who love me. I ran around like a loony person trying to fit everyone in. Then I realized. It's just the same as always. I run around trying to see everyone and what do I get back? Not a lot. I don't get e-mails or phone calls. I don't get visits.
What I do get is excuses. On the phone calls "I was so busy". On the visits it's that old "we can't afford it" thing. Funny how I can afford it but others can't. Just for the record? I have three kids in college, I have done no landscaping and no fix-ups on my house because I tend to spend my money on travel. Now, yes. Some is for me alone. That Vegas trip? For me and me alone. Andrew got some "extras" (nudge nudge, wink wink) out of it but it was for me. I'm so glad I did it because knowing I'd see Donny at the end of chemo and radiation really did get me through it. The travel to Europe is more of a business thing. Andrew loves me to go to keep him company. It's very lonely traveling from country to country and very tiring. Don't get me wrong...he loves it and the people and the work. But, it's nice to have a loving wife along every so often.
Anyway, I just really did think things would change. I thought people would cherish me the same way I cherish them. It didn't happen and it's making me a little bitter. I don't think that's good for me so I may, actually, start some sort of counseling. I'm betting there's something offered for post-cancer people. Survivors as they call us.
Anyway, my point is that I really truly thought relationships would change but everything's stayed the same.
#4 This is really morbid. I was in the shower this morning thinking about death. I wonder who will come to my funeral. Oh, c'mon! You must have thought of this at some point! If you didn't then I may just be weird. Anyway, I was thinking....I wonder where my funeral would be. Florida? Canada? Both? Who would come. Lots of people who don't see me or keep in touch with me, I bet. Saying how they loved my sense of humour and the way I saw things in a positive way. Bet they didn't read this post, then, eh? LOL!! I just think it's interesting that people will take time and spend money to travel to a funeral when they don't do that when the person's living. It's just an interesting view point.
Anyway, all this has been swirling in my mind. I am really looking forward to going up north for Thanksgiving. My doctor is not very happy about it at all. In fact the words "I forbid you" came out of his mouth and then he laughed at himself and remembered who he's talking to. LOL!! So, we are going but I'm going to have to stay inside the whole time. I'm also going shopping for clothes this afternoon. I have never, ever been this big and can't fit into any of my old cold-weather clothes. Ugh!! The problem is...do I buy long sleeves? With all my hot flashes, I may just rip all my clothes off if I have long sleeves on!! I better wear really pretty bras, eh?
So, I hope I didn't hurt too many feelings. That wasn't the intention of this post. It was supposed to be more of a "what goes through this cancer patient's mind when it's all over and done with" and what has surprised and/or bothered me in the aftermath.
TTFN!
What I'm going to address today is the fallout of cancer. The after effects - both physical and mental. It's not pretty so pull up your big girl/boy panties and go ahead and read it...or not. I'm just puttin' it out there. This is my blog. It's about me. About my feelings and "stuff". If your feelings are hurt by this entry? Hmmm.....maybe you should think about your choices. You've been warned.
OK, physically, I haven't been totally upfront. Yes, I lost my hair. Yes, I gained back all the weight I had so diligently lost...and then some. Yes, I will need a double hip replacement in a couple of years and yes, my brain has turned into mush. My hair is now wavy and I haven't got a clue how to style it since I've had stick straight hair all my life.
What I haven't said is how devastating it is to have a huge dent in my breast. It's huge, people. I know I'm lucky to have a breast. I get that. But the truth is I am deformed. It's not something anyone other than my mom, Kim and Andrew have seen but I live with it every day. Every day I take off my bra. Every day I put on my bra. Every other day I shower. Every day I see my deformity not once but at least twice.
I went to my family doctor and asked him for the name of a good plastic surgeon. I told him how I felt and then I joked that "at least I have a nipple". Then, when I got to thinking about it? It's no different. Yes, I have my own breast but it's not pretty. I don't let Andrew touch it and I rarely let him see it. If he sees it it's by accident on my part. I almost think I'd rather have a "fake" breast. At least it would be pretty. Nippleless but pretty, with a matching one, to boot.
Also, just so you all know? Here's were it gets personal so you may want to skip this if you want. Menopause sucks. The hot flashes? All consuming. It happens and you forget what you're even doing or talking about because you're so hot and all you can think about is getting your clothes off. Ironically, while you're sopping wet on the outside on the inside? Exactly opposite. Dry as a bone. (See? I warned you!!) My skin is dry. Inside my nose is dry. Inside my va jay jay? dry too. It's gotten much better as time has progressed past the chemo but it really sucked for a while there. Anyway, I'm really glad that that part has fixed itself but there was a few months there when it was not good and nothing worked to help.
That's all for the physical part. Here's the "other" part.
I've mentioned before that some people dropped me. I just never heard from them again. It may have just been a "course of time" thing. Kevin stopped playing hockey (because of the broken leg) so that let's some people out of our lives just because the only time we saw them was at hockey. I also changed jobs so others fell by the wayside that way. But, there are some who I really expected to hang in there that just didn't. But, I've mentioned that before. What I haven't mentioned is
#1 I picked up some friends that I really really cherish, now. Holly and Susan P. They're friends of my cousin, Judy. Both have sent me e-mails and followed my blogs. I, in turn, have followed their blogs and feel like I have some new friends in Kitchener. Mrs Young follows my blog and a fellow cheerleader from high school who I didn't even think would remember me. Susan from the UK and many more.
#2 People who didn't pay any attention to me before suddenly started commenting on my blog and calling me and e-mailing me. It was really weird. Like, they didn't like me/didn't give me the time of day prior to me having cancer but, suddenly, they love me and give me encouragement. I must say. I was very wary of these people. It turned out that, now that I'm "over" the cancer? They've fallen by the wayside, too. I just don't hear from them. I think that's really weird.
#3 I thought relationships would change. I really did. I cherish people more, now. I reach out and call them. Do I get anything back? Not usually. I was really home sick this summer. Really home sick. I had gone through hell and back and just wanted to see people who love me. I ran around like a loony person trying to fit everyone in. Then I realized. It's just the same as always. I run around trying to see everyone and what do I get back? Not a lot. I don't get e-mails or phone calls. I don't get visits.
What I do get is excuses. On the phone calls "I was so busy". On the visits it's that old "we can't afford it" thing. Funny how I can afford it but others can't. Just for the record? I have three kids in college, I have done no landscaping and no fix-ups on my house because I tend to spend my money on travel. Now, yes. Some is for me alone. That Vegas trip? For me and me alone. Andrew got some "extras" (nudge nudge, wink wink) out of it but it was for me. I'm so glad I did it because knowing I'd see Donny at the end of chemo and radiation really did get me through it. The travel to Europe is more of a business thing. Andrew loves me to go to keep him company. It's very lonely traveling from country to country and very tiring. Don't get me wrong...he loves it and the people and the work. But, it's nice to have a loving wife along every so often.
Anyway, I just really did think things would change. I thought people would cherish me the same way I cherish them. It didn't happen and it's making me a little bitter. I don't think that's good for me so I may, actually, start some sort of counseling. I'm betting there's something offered for post-cancer people. Survivors as they call us.
Anyway, my point is that I really truly thought relationships would change but everything's stayed the same.
#4 This is really morbid. I was in the shower this morning thinking about death. I wonder who will come to my funeral. Oh, c'mon! You must have thought of this at some point! If you didn't then I may just be weird. Anyway, I was thinking....I wonder where my funeral would be. Florida? Canada? Both? Who would come. Lots of people who don't see me or keep in touch with me, I bet. Saying how they loved my sense of humour and the way I saw things in a positive way. Bet they didn't read this post, then, eh? LOL!! I just think it's interesting that people will take time and spend money to travel to a funeral when they don't do that when the person's living. It's just an interesting view point.
Anyway, all this has been swirling in my mind. I am really looking forward to going up north for Thanksgiving. My doctor is not very happy about it at all. In fact the words "I forbid you" came out of his mouth and then he laughed at himself and remembered who he's talking to. LOL!! So, we are going but I'm going to have to stay inside the whole time. I'm also going shopping for clothes this afternoon. I have never, ever been this big and can't fit into any of my old cold-weather clothes. Ugh!! The problem is...do I buy long sleeves? With all my hot flashes, I may just rip all my clothes off if I have long sleeves on!! I better wear really pretty bras, eh?
So, I hope I didn't hurt too many feelings. That wasn't the intention of this post. It was supposed to be more of a "what goes through this cancer patient's mind when it's all over and done with" and what has surprised and/or bothered me in the aftermath.
TTFN!
Saturday, November 15, 2008
Meme
I was tagged to do a meme. I think that's what they're called. Anyway, I'm feeling quite negative about many, many things right now so, instead of posting a mean rant I'm doing this:
THE FAVOURITE MEME. Fill in your favourite for each of the following:
1. Political show: Bill Mayer
2. Picnic food: I don't really picnic. When I go to the beach, though, I like grapes. Dark red, seedless grapes (and beer LOL!!)
3. Mixed drink: Green Apple Martinis. OMG I love these things. I could become an alcoholic on these so I'm not keeping the ingredients in the house. Sadly, I'm so not kidding.
4. U.S. President: I have no idea. But, I do know who our next one will be!!
5. Kind of student to teach: I'm thinking this must have started with a teacher group? Anyway, when I was a Substitute teacher I always liked the boys better. I think it's because I have boys but the girls just seemed to be too full of drama.
6. Hobby you do or wish you still did: I wish I still did Jazz and I wish I still felt like scrapbooking. It's a great idea, that scrapbooking, but I think it's for organized people and I am definitely the opposite of that
!
7. Sports commentator: Don Cherry!!!
8. Sport to watch on TV: Hockey
9. Animal to have as a pet: I like my dog, a Scottie named McDuff
10. Halloween costume you have worn: Please know that I hate Halloween. I don't have a creative bone in my body. I'm crafty but only if you show me what to do. I can follow instructions. Anyway, I guess the best one was when I went as Nicole Brown Simpson. Andrew went as OJ and it was tasteless and funny.
11. Kind of dessert : My carrot cake and my mom's trifle and my sister's nanaimo bars and my sister in law's chocolate chip cookies.
12. Comic strip: I don't read the comics. If I were going to, though, I still like Calvin and Hobbs
13. Style or make of footwear : OMG!! They're these shoes called One Sole. They're totally cool and wonderful for someone who travels so much. They have a sole with snaps. Then you snap on whichever "top" you want. I'm not explaining it very well. Here's a link:
14. Ice cream flavor: Pralines and Cream
.
15. College or university president What?!
16. Internet news source AOL front page and Perez Hilton. (I stole that from Holly! LOL!!)
17. Vacation spot: Aruba but I'm going to Hawaii next September so I have a feeling that could change.
18. Wine: Pheonix by Penley Estates
19. Way to waste time instead of working: So many!! Playing Pogo games, watching tv, reading books and magazines, reading other people's blogs and chatting on the phone
20. Student excuse for late work: ???
21. Reality show: American Idol
22. Jewelry on a man: Cool watch
23. Pizza topping: This is gross but - extra cheese, black olives and anchovies
24. Children’s movie: Chitty Chitty Bang Bang of course
25. Celebrity you wish would retire: Bill O'Reilly
Ok, that's it on that. I'm supposed to tag people to do this so I'm tagging Candace and Judy (I know you're not writing anymore but you could do this one, couldn't you? please?) & Susan P
I'll write a real update tomorrow.
TTFN!
THE FAVOURITE MEME. Fill in your favourite for each of the following:
1. Political show: Bill Mayer
2. Picnic food: I don't really picnic. When I go to the beach, though, I like grapes. Dark red, seedless grapes (and beer LOL!!)
3. Mixed drink: Green Apple Martinis. OMG I love these things. I could become an alcoholic on these so I'm not keeping the ingredients in the house. Sadly, I'm so not kidding.
4. U.S. President: I have no idea. But, I do know who our next one will be!!
5. Kind of student to teach: I'm thinking this must have started with a teacher group? Anyway, when I was a Substitute teacher I always liked the boys better. I think it's because I have boys but the girls just seemed to be too full of drama.
6. Hobby you do or wish you still did: I wish I still did Jazz and I wish I still felt like scrapbooking. It's a great idea, that scrapbooking, but I think it's for organized people and I am definitely the opposite of that
!
7. Sports commentator: Don Cherry!!!
8. Sport to watch on TV: Hockey
9. Animal to have as a pet: I like my dog, a Scottie named McDuff
10. Halloween costume you have worn: Please know that I hate Halloween. I don't have a creative bone in my body. I'm crafty but only if you show me what to do. I can follow instructions. Anyway, I guess the best one was when I went as Nicole Brown Simpson. Andrew went as OJ and it was tasteless and funny.
11. Kind of dessert : My carrot cake and my mom's trifle and my sister's nanaimo bars and my sister in law's chocolate chip cookies.
12. Comic strip: I don't read the comics. If I were going to, though, I still like Calvin and Hobbs
13. Style or make of footwear : OMG!! They're these shoes called One Sole. They're totally cool and wonderful for someone who travels so much. They have a sole with snaps. Then you snap on whichever "top" you want. I'm not explaining it very well. Here's a link:
14. Ice cream flavor: Pralines and Cream
.
15. College or university president What?!
16. Internet news source AOL front page and Perez Hilton. (I stole that from Holly! LOL!!)
17. Vacation spot: Aruba but I'm going to Hawaii next September so I have a feeling that could change.
18. Wine: Pheonix by Penley Estates
19. Way to waste time instead of working: So many!! Playing Pogo games, watching tv, reading books and magazines, reading other people's blogs and chatting on the phone
20. Student excuse for late work: ???
21. Reality show: American Idol
22. Jewelry on a man: Cool watch
23. Pizza topping: This is gross but - extra cheese, black olives and anchovies
24. Children’s movie: Chitty Chitty Bang Bang of course
25. Celebrity you wish would retire: Bill O'Reilly
Ok, that's it on that. I'm supposed to tag people to do this so I'm tagging Candace and Judy (I know you're not writing anymore but you could do this one, couldn't you? please?) & Susan P
I'll write a real update tomorrow.
TTFN!
Monday, November 3, 2008
Have I told you?
Have I told you.......
That I don't like my oncologist. I really, really don't like this guy. He's very dismissive and doesn't listen. Here's what happened. I went to him last Tuesday to get my Herceptin. I wasn't even scheduled to see him but he wanted to see me because we go the results of all the tests. Well, frankly, I'd already discussed the results with my radiation oncologist (who I love, love, love!!!) and didn't see the point. He was running late. and later. and finally I went up and said that we needed to get moving on this because I was seeing my surgeon in an hour and a half. Turns out, I didn't get to see the doctor for another half hour. So...there wasn't enough time for the Herceptin. I had to go see my surgeon and then come back later in the afternoon for the Herceptin. This pissed me off right there, k? Really fucking pissed me off. I don't have time for that kind of shit.
Anyway, I finally get in to see the oncologist and he goes over the results and I ask him about the lymph node. I really want to know why my lymph node is enlarged if it's not cancer. He says in his stupid Brazilian accent "There's no enlarged lymph node." I say "yes there was" He says "no there wasn't" I say "Well you must not have all the results because there was an enlarged lymph node". He keeps insisting there wasn't and now, every time, I begin to talk all he keeps saying is that it doesn't matter what there was because it's not cancer. He's talking to me like I'm an idiot! ARRRRRGH!!!!
So, I think I'm crazy, now. Maybe there was no enlarged lymph node. Maybe I made it up in my head. Maybe I've gone fucking mad!!!!!!!!!!! Maybe I have that Munchhausen's disease where you want attention so you make up diseases. Well, I did love getting the cards and the flowers but I can't imagine wanting to be sick for those things, you know? But, well, I'm thinkin' I'm nuckin futs, ok? So, I leave there and go over to the surgeon's office. I get in right away to see him. No waiting. He does the exam and I'm fine. I have a hematoma in my boob (it hurts) but it'll go away. It was caused by bruising on the inside when I got my biopsy. The bad thing is that it hurts. The good thing is that it's rounding out my indented boob. I kinda like it, ya know? Makes me look more "normal", ya know? Anyway, he finishes the exam and I ask with much trepidation "I did have an enlarged lymph node, didn't I?" He says, " yes, it didn't show anything...It was probably enlarged because of the trauma of the lumpectomy and we will now watch it. Always. It will probably stay enlarged but we have to watch it for any changes." OK, now. That's a good doctor, right?
So, I tell him that # 1 - I hate my oncologist and #2 why and #3 I want a new one. He asked if there was any way I could stay with this guy until my Herceptin's done because it's better to stay with the same doctor until the treatment ends. So....I'm going to try to stay with the stupid Brazilian guy but I am going to tell him how I feel next time I see him and if I don't get a satisfactory answer I'm going to a different oncologist.
There.
Have I told you.....
That my dog's doing chemo? He's actually doing really well with it. I love him.
Have I told you....
That we're coming to Canada for our Thanksgiving? It's the last Thursday in November. Andrew, Jeff and I are coming on the 22nd flying from Tampa and Scott & Kevin are coming on the 25th from Orlando. It's Andrew's mom's 80th birthday!!! 80!! I so want to make it to 80! Oh, hell, who am I kidding, I'll be happy to make it to 50, to tell you the truth. Oh!! that brings me to another one....
Have I told you.....
When I was getting my Herceptin treatment a lady there did a palm reading on me? I'm gonna outlive you all!!!!! Yay!!!!! Andrew is my true love. I am strong and caring. Cool, eh?
Have I told you....
that I think I'm having allergic reactions to the Herceptin? OMG!! I am so frickin' itchy!!!!!! It's mostly in my hands and feet but it does go up my calves and arms later in the day. Isn't that weird? Oh, I did tell you that before 'cause I remember telling you about using the hemerroid cream on the itchy parts. Now that's weird!
Have I told you...
That my port moved. When I was having my PET scan they had me put my arms above my head and I could feel a stitch come out from my port. It didn't hurt or anything I just knew something had happened. So, after the scan I felt my port and sure enough it moved onto it's side. It's ok, I guess. The surgeon said as long as it's accessible, it's fine. Phew! I have a love/hate relationship with my port but it keeps me from having to get an IV every time I have a Herceptin treatment so I mostly love it. But, it is ugly.
Have I told you...
That Scott and Kevin are doing Air Force ROTC and I thought they would hate it but they love it? They've never really liked anyone telling them what to do so I don't understand what they love so much but they love it, nevertheless.
Have I told you......
That I think the Air Force ROTC is a cult? That's right. I said it. A frickin' cult. They love it. They call them "family" (WTF!!!!) and they don't come home because they're doing "stuff" with their flights. That's just fuckin' pissing me off. I am their family. I cleaned their butts, wiped their noses and put up with their stinky feet and smelly farts and took them to hockey and soccer and karate and every other frickin' thing they did and.... surprise, surprise, boys! I didn't always enjoy it either. Andrew, too of course. And their brothers. We all supported each other. These people that they just met in September are not their family. OK, rant over. I really am happy for them that they're so happy but if they don't come home soon I'm going to hire one of those cult people to de-brainwash them! ROFL!!!!!!!
Have I told you....
that I'm done.
Night Night!!
That I don't like my oncologist. I really, really don't like this guy. He's very dismissive and doesn't listen. Here's what happened. I went to him last Tuesday to get my Herceptin. I wasn't even scheduled to see him but he wanted to see me because we go the results of all the tests. Well, frankly, I'd already discussed the results with my radiation oncologist (who I love, love, love!!!) and didn't see the point. He was running late. and later. and finally I went up and said that we needed to get moving on this because I was seeing my surgeon in an hour and a half. Turns out, I didn't get to see the doctor for another half hour. So...there wasn't enough time for the Herceptin. I had to go see my surgeon and then come back later in the afternoon for the Herceptin. This pissed me off right there, k? Really fucking pissed me off. I don't have time for that kind of shit.
Anyway, I finally get in to see the oncologist and he goes over the results and I ask him about the lymph node. I really want to know why my lymph node is enlarged if it's not cancer. He says in his stupid Brazilian accent "There's no enlarged lymph node." I say "yes there was" He says "no there wasn't" I say "Well you must not have all the results because there was an enlarged lymph node". He keeps insisting there wasn't and now, every time, I begin to talk all he keeps saying is that it doesn't matter what there was because it's not cancer. He's talking to me like I'm an idiot! ARRRRRGH!!!!
So, I think I'm crazy, now. Maybe there was no enlarged lymph node. Maybe I made it up in my head. Maybe I've gone fucking mad!!!!!!!!!!! Maybe I have that Munchhausen's disease where you want attention so you make up diseases. Well, I did love getting the cards and the flowers but I can't imagine wanting to be sick for those things, you know? But, well, I'm thinkin' I'm nuckin futs, ok? So, I leave there and go over to the surgeon's office. I get in right away to see him. No waiting. He does the exam and I'm fine. I have a hematoma in my boob (it hurts) but it'll go away. It was caused by bruising on the inside when I got my biopsy. The bad thing is that it hurts. The good thing is that it's rounding out my indented boob. I kinda like it, ya know? Makes me look more "normal", ya know? Anyway, he finishes the exam and I ask with much trepidation "I did have an enlarged lymph node, didn't I?" He says, " yes, it didn't show anything...It was probably enlarged because of the trauma of the lumpectomy and we will now watch it. Always. It will probably stay enlarged but we have to watch it for any changes." OK, now. That's a good doctor, right?
So, I tell him that # 1 - I hate my oncologist and #2 why and #3 I want a new one. He asked if there was any way I could stay with this guy until my Herceptin's done because it's better to stay with the same doctor until the treatment ends. So....I'm going to try to stay with the stupid Brazilian guy but I am going to tell him how I feel next time I see him and if I don't get a satisfactory answer I'm going to a different oncologist.
There.
Have I told you.....
That my dog's doing chemo? He's actually doing really well with it. I love him.
Have I told you....
That we're coming to Canada for our Thanksgiving? It's the last Thursday in November. Andrew, Jeff and I are coming on the 22nd flying from Tampa and Scott & Kevin are coming on the 25th from Orlando. It's Andrew's mom's 80th birthday!!! 80!! I so want to make it to 80! Oh, hell, who am I kidding, I'll be happy to make it to 50, to tell you the truth. Oh!! that brings me to another one....
Have I told you.....
When I was getting my Herceptin treatment a lady there did a palm reading on me? I'm gonna outlive you all!!!!! Yay!!!!! Andrew is my true love. I am strong and caring. Cool, eh?
Have I told you....
that I think I'm having allergic reactions to the Herceptin? OMG!! I am so frickin' itchy!!!!!! It's mostly in my hands and feet but it does go up my calves and arms later in the day. Isn't that weird? Oh, I did tell you that before 'cause I remember telling you about using the hemerroid cream on the itchy parts. Now that's weird!
Have I told you...
That my port moved. When I was having my PET scan they had me put my arms above my head and I could feel a stitch come out from my port. It didn't hurt or anything I just knew something had happened. So, after the scan I felt my port and sure enough it moved onto it's side. It's ok, I guess. The surgeon said as long as it's accessible, it's fine. Phew! I have a love/hate relationship with my port but it keeps me from having to get an IV every time I have a Herceptin treatment so I mostly love it. But, it is ugly.
Have I told you...
That Scott and Kevin are doing Air Force ROTC and I thought they would hate it but they love it? They've never really liked anyone telling them what to do so I don't understand what they love so much but they love it, nevertheless.
Have I told you......
That I think the Air Force ROTC is a cult? That's right. I said it. A frickin' cult. They love it. They call them "family" (WTF!!!!) and they don't come home because they're doing "stuff" with their flights. That's just fuckin' pissing me off. I am their family. I cleaned their butts, wiped their noses and put up with their stinky feet and smelly farts and took them to hockey and soccer and karate and every other frickin' thing they did and.... surprise, surprise, boys! I didn't always enjoy it either. Andrew, too of course. And their brothers. We all supported each other. These people that they just met in September are not their family. OK, rant over. I really am happy for them that they're so happy but if they don't come home soon I'm going to hire one of those cult people to de-brainwash them! ROFL!!!!!!!
Have I told you....
that I'm done.
Night Night!!
Friday, October 24, 2008
Can't Take the Smile Off My Face!!
I just can't take the smile off my face! I'm so happy.
You know, here's what I do. I suppress my feelings. I was really really scared to even think about having cancer again. It terrified me. If I did have cancer, it really wouldn't be good. It would have meant that the cancer lived through chemo and radiation. Which would mean it's one bad-ass cancer. So...I was terrified. I, literally, envisioned my kids graduating college without me there. Getting married without me there. Worse yet? I envisioned Andrew at their wedding with some pretty skinny bitch instead of me. Yep, I said it. I'm just being honest. I also envisioned this skinny bitch with my grandchildren. Oh! Don't get me wrong here...I would want Andrew to find someone after me. And...it would be ok if she's a skinny bitch. I would just prefer not to die, OK? LOL!!
Anyway, it always surprises me, after something is over, how stressed/tired I was when I was going through it. Like, after radiation. I was exhausted. Mentally and physically. But, I don't think I really realized how exhausted I was until I started feeling better. And. Just last week. I was so scared but I ignored it. I try to be a optimist. I look at things realistically but like to "look at the bright side", too. Now that it's over, though, I can admit how scared I was.
Here's an example. About the cancer.
"Oh shit! I'll have to have another operation. And maybe chemo. But...I'll get cards in the mail again, Kim might come and visit again, I would get to quit my job, I can buy cool hats again, maybe get to see Donny Osmond again, and can be really lazy and have an excuse."
Does that make sense? Anyway, I just thought I'd let you all know how I was/am feeling. People always wonder what they'd do in a similar situation so I thought I'd share what it's like.
Oh, the dog. I should talk about the dog. OMG!! I love that dog! He's so cute. Anyway, his official name is McDuff. We call him Duffy. Unless he's being an idiot (like, we're on a walk, and he digs his little paws in and won't move until he's sniffed and peed on whatever it is he has to sniff and pee on - then I call him McDuff). He's a Scottish Terrier. I grew up with Scotties and they are such a wonderful dog that I wanted one for my kids. Anyway, he had his first Chemo last Friday and his second one is today. Surprisingly enough? He's fine with it. I think he slept more than usual but that's about it. I wish chemo had been that easy for me!! Lucky little doggie.
Andrew's out of town. Again. Europe. We got a security system so I wouldn't be freaking out and could get some sleep. I live in a fortress, now. But....I still put "stuff" in front of my bedroom door and lock it, but I did sleep soundly last night (with the help of some antihistamine's LOL!!). Oh the antihistamines. I seem to have some sort of allergic reaction to the Herceptin. It makes me so itchy. Mostly on the hands and feet but also on my arms and shins. It drives me crazy! I itch until I bleed. That's not good, eh? So I've been taking antihistamine's to take away the itch. I've tried all sorts of things on the itchy areas. I've tried benadryl gel, aloe. I even tried Preparation H. Well? If it takes away the itchiness of hemorrhoids it should work on my feet, right? It doesn't. Anyway, the good thing (see? there I go again - looking for that silver lining!) is that the antihistamine's put me to sleep. Yeah!! Even the hot flashes don't wake me up. Bonus!!
OK, I feel like I'm rambling now so I'll say goodbye.
Goodbye.
You know, here's what I do. I suppress my feelings. I was really really scared to even think about having cancer again. It terrified me. If I did have cancer, it really wouldn't be good. It would have meant that the cancer lived through chemo and radiation. Which would mean it's one bad-ass cancer. So...I was terrified. I, literally, envisioned my kids graduating college without me there. Getting married without me there. Worse yet? I envisioned Andrew at their wedding with some pretty skinny bitch instead of me. Yep, I said it. I'm just being honest. I also envisioned this skinny bitch with my grandchildren. Oh! Don't get me wrong here...I would want Andrew to find someone after me. And...it would be ok if she's a skinny bitch. I would just prefer not to die, OK? LOL!!
Anyway, it always surprises me, after something is over, how stressed/tired I was when I was going through it. Like, after radiation. I was exhausted. Mentally and physically. But, I don't think I really realized how exhausted I was until I started feeling better. And. Just last week. I was so scared but I ignored it. I try to be a optimist. I look at things realistically but like to "look at the bright side", too. Now that it's over, though, I can admit how scared I was.
Here's an example. About the cancer.
"Oh shit! I'll have to have another operation. And maybe chemo. But...I'll get cards in the mail again, Kim might come and visit again, I would get to quit my job, I can buy cool hats again, maybe get to see Donny Osmond again, and can be really lazy and have an excuse."
Does that make sense? Anyway, I just thought I'd let you all know how I was/am feeling. People always wonder what they'd do in a similar situation so I thought I'd share what it's like.
Oh, the dog. I should talk about the dog. OMG!! I love that dog! He's so cute. Anyway, his official name is McDuff. We call him Duffy. Unless he's being an idiot (like, we're on a walk, and he digs his little paws in and won't move until he's sniffed and peed on whatever it is he has to sniff and pee on - then I call him McDuff). He's a Scottish Terrier. I grew up with Scotties and they are such a wonderful dog that I wanted one for my kids. Anyway, he had his first Chemo last Friday and his second one is today. Surprisingly enough? He's fine with it. I think he slept more than usual but that's about it. I wish chemo had been that easy for me!! Lucky little doggie.
Andrew's out of town. Again. Europe. We got a security system so I wouldn't be freaking out and could get some sleep. I live in a fortress, now. But....I still put "stuff" in front of my bedroom door and lock it, but I did sleep soundly last night (with the help of some antihistamine's LOL!!). Oh the antihistamines. I seem to have some sort of allergic reaction to the Herceptin. It makes me so itchy. Mostly on the hands and feet but also on my arms and shins. It drives me crazy! I itch until I bleed. That's not good, eh? So I've been taking antihistamine's to take away the itch. I've tried all sorts of things on the itchy areas. I've tried benadryl gel, aloe. I even tried Preparation H. Well? If it takes away the itchiness of hemorrhoids it should work on my feet, right? It doesn't. Anyway, the good thing (see? there I go again - looking for that silver lining!) is that the antihistamine's put me to sleep. Yeah!! Even the hot flashes don't wake me up. Bonus!!
OK, I feel like I'm rambling now so I'll say goodbye.
Goodbye.
Wednesday, October 15, 2008
I DON'T HAVE CANCER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I DON'T HAVE CANCER!!!!!!!!!!!!
I got all the test results back and I do not have cancer. Not in the lymph nodes and not in the biopsy specimen!!
WOOHOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
YAHOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to all who prayed for me and sent me their best wishes and thoughts!!
ttfn peeps!
I got all the test results back and I do not have cancer. Not in the lymph nodes and not in the biopsy specimen!!
WOOHOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
YAHOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to all who prayed for me and sent me their best wishes and thoughts!!
ttfn peeps!
Tuesday, October 14, 2008
What A Strange Day.....
OMG!! This has been the single most rollercoaster day of my entire life. Here's how it's gone so far:
Woke up early this morning to go to my biopsy. To tell you the truth, I didn't think it was going to be a big deal. The results are a big deal but the biopsy? No biggy. After all, when I went for my first biopsy, it was an ultrasound biopsy. They had an opening at 7:00 in the evening so off we went. No fasting. No getting ready. Just throw on a gown and do it.
This one? Very different. I went into the hospital. Had to fast. Did a shitload of paperwork and then into the pre-op area. Did you get that? The pre-op area. WTF!! (what the fuck) I get a gown on, they do my vitals, tell me I can't work that day. What? I have things to do!! Not really, but I have things to pretend to do!! LOL!! Then I get an IV (my third in as many weeks) which pisses me off yet again 'cause I have a port which only seems to be used for the Herceptin. Again. WTF!! I thought the whole idea of a port was so I don't have to get "stuck" a gazillion times. Ugh. My blood pressure's too high so they do it again. It's ok that time so they proceed. I get valium. Yay!!! I love valium! The procedure was fine. I get on a table on my tummy. It has two cutouts for my boobies. They clamp my boob so it won't move (didn't hurt) and into the MRI machine I go. Three minutes later I come out. They inject the "stuff" in and back into the MRI machine I go. Three minutes later I come out. I get more valium!! Yay, valium!! The doctor freezes my boob. That was a little painful but not that bad. The rest I didn't feel. I did hear him using a vacuum-like machine to get the sample but other than that, no big deal. Came home at 10 am and slept till 2:30. Yay valium!!
OK, so I'll explain the rollercoaster:
Get up realize that the coffee's brewing and I can't have any and I have to have a biopsy - down
Get to the hospital and have to have an IV - more down
Doctor comes in and tells me that the results from the PET scan came in and I DON'T HAVE CANCER IN MY LYMPH NODES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! - way up. way the fuck up!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Go in for biopsy - a little down
Come home to sleep - a little up
Talk to my mommy and Kim and Scott and Jeff (Kevin was in class) - way up
Duffy's vet calls and tells me my dog has cancer of the lymph nodes and chemo will cost $1,000. If we don't do chemo he will die in 12 weeks!! - way, way down!!
Talk to Andrew and just tell him we're doing the chemo for the dog. - more down
I never, ever, just tell Andrew that we're doing something. That's not the way we've ever worked. We always run things by each other. Talk about things. Discuss them. Sometimes argue about them. I think that's why our marriage has worked so well for all these years. It's out of respect that we do these things. So, this was very, very unusual that I would just tell Andrew something. Especially something that costs $1000. But, (I'm crying now) I just can't have my dog die of cancer. I just can't. He was so there for me during my cancer stuff. And he doesn't even like me that much. But, I really think dogs can tell when there's something wrong and he'd just hang around me. Lie at the bottom of the bed. Lie in my doorway. Cry with me when I needed it (he thought we were singing, to be honest, but, still - he was there for me). Anyway, there is just no other option. We're doing the chemo.
Now, tonight, I'm going to The Melting Pot with some of my favourite ladies in the world. It's a fondue restaurant and they're having a Breast Cancer Awareness night so we're going to partay!! So, I'll end the night on an up.
There you have it, my roller coaster day.
I get the results of my biopsy tomorrow so I'll post then.
Aunt Ardyth - thanks for the phone call. I love you and your support means the world to me. I smiled so wide when I got your message. Thanks!
Syrene - thank you so much for the presents. You are just the sweetest thing!!
Karen - thank you for posting on my blog and for your ongoing support. I love you!!
That's all peeps!
ttfn
Woke up early this morning to go to my biopsy. To tell you the truth, I didn't think it was going to be a big deal. The results are a big deal but the biopsy? No biggy. After all, when I went for my first biopsy, it was an ultrasound biopsy. They had an opening at 7:00 in the evening so off we went. No fasting. No getting ready. Just throw on a gown and do it.
This one? Very different. I went into the hospital. Had to fast. Did a shitload of paperwork and then into the pre-op area. Did you get that? The pre-op area. WTF!! (what the fuck) I get a gown on, they do my vitals, tell me I can't work that day. What? I have things to do!! Not really, but I have things to pretend to do!! LOL!! Then I get an IV (my third in as many weeks) which pisses me off yet again 'cause I have a port which only seems to be used for the Herceptin. Again. WTF!! I thought the whole idea of a port was so I don't have to get "stuck" a gazillion times. Ugh. My blood pressure's too high so they do it again. It's ok that time so they proceed. I get valium. Yay!!! I love valium! The procedure was fine. I get on a table on my tummy. It has two cutouts for my boobies. They clamp my boob so it won't move (didn't hurt) and into the MRI machine I go. Three minutes later I come out. They inject the "stuff" in and back into the MRI machine I go. Three minutes later I come out. I get more valium!! Yay, valium!! The doctor freezes my boob. That was a little painful but not that bad. The rest I didn't feel. I did hear him using a vacuum-like machine to get the sample but other than that, no big deal. Came home at 10 am and slept till 2:30. Yay valium!!
OK, so I'll explain the rollercoaster:
Get up realize that the coffee's brewing and I can't have any and I have to have a biopsy - down
Get to the hospital and have to have an IV - more down
Doctor comes in and tells me that the results from the PET scan came in and I DON'T HAVE CANCER IN MY LYMPH NODES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! - way up. way the fuck up!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Go in for biopsy - a little down
Come home to sleep - a little up
Talk to my mommy and Kim and Scott and Jeff (Kevin was in class) - way up
Duffy's vet calls and tells me my dog has cancer of the lymph nodes and chemo will cost $1,000. If we don't do chemo he will die in 12 weeks!! - way, way down!!
Talk to Andrew and just tell him we're doing the chemo for the dog. - more down
I never, ever, just tell Andrew that we're doing something. That's not the way we've ever worked. We always run things by each other. Talk about things. Discuss them. Sometimes argue about them. I think that's why our marriage has worked so well for all these years. It's out of respect that we do these things. So, this was very, very unusual that I would just tell Andrew something. Especially something that costs $1000. But, (I'm crying now) I just can't have my dog die of cancer. I just can't. He was so there for me during my cancer stuff. And he doesn't even like me that much. But, I really think dogs can tell when there's something wrong and he'd just hang around me. Lie at the bottom of the bed. Lie in my doorway. Cry with me when I needed it (he thought we were singing, to be honest, but, still - he was there for me). Anyway, there is just no other option. We're doing the chemo.
Now, tonight, I'm going to The Melting Pot with some of my favourite ladies in the world. It's a fondue restaurant and they're having a Breast Cancer Awareness night so we're going to partay!! So, I'll end the night on an up.
There you have it, my roller coaster day.
I get the results of my biopsy tomorrow so I'll post then.
Aunt Ardyth - thanks for the phone call. I love you and your support means the world to me. I smiled so wide when I got your message. Thanks!
Syrene - thank you so much for the presents. You are just the sweetest thing!!
Karen - thank you for posting on my blog and for your ongoing support. I love you!!
That's all peeps!
ttfn
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