Tuesday, September 15, 2009

What, me worry?

Seems I begin all my posts with, wow it's been so long since I posted! But...it really has. A whole summer has gone by.

First, I'll start with health "stuff" and then move on to the fun stuff:

Health stuff:

I haven't lost a single pound of the weight I gained during chemo/radiation/waiting for hip surgery/hip surgery. It's my own fault. You know that whole thing of eat less, move more? I think I have it reversed!! I'm blaming it on Chemo Brain!! LOL!!

My hip is much better. Sitting for long periods of time (more than 2 hours) is still a little difficult. Luckily, with my new job, I can go lie down for 1/2 an hour and come back to work. It's a good thing. My other hip hasn't been hurting - at all!! Yay me!! I don't use a cane - ever.

I go for all my breast follow-ups in October. I have to do a mammogram, ultrasound and MRI. The MRI is actually kinda funny. I lie on my tummy with my boobs through two holes in the table. I giggle every time. Then, I ask them to play some good music - like Rod Stewart or Elton John (I always ask if they have any Donny Osmond but they never do!) - and I lie there and sing my way through the test. It's really loud so I tell them to crank up the music. It's not so bad, that way, ya know?!!

OHHHH!!! BIG NEWS!! DONNY OSMOND is on Dancing with the Stars this season!!! WOOHOO!!!!!!!!!! I'm a little excited - can you tell? LOL!!

Let's see, what else. Oh - this Chemo Brain is really bugging me. I used to have a great vocabulary. Now? Not so much. It's very frustrating. There's a course I can take but it costs money and with three kids in college and four cars and four insurances to pay for? Not a chance. But it really affects my day to day life. I can't remember entire conversations. The other night I was thinking about all my relatives. The dead ones. Uncle Frank and Uncle Steve. They were so wonderful! Auntie Rose and Aunt Belle. Sisters. I got my crazy cackle from them! Then...I actually couldn't remember if my Aunt Vi had died. How horrible am I? How horrible is that? I almost had to wake Andrew up and ask him!! I did, finally, figure out that she did die. She did, didn't she, Steve? Karen? Kim? I feel horrible not knowing something that important, though. What kind of person can't remember if her Aunt died? ..... I guess someone with chemo brain? ugh!!!

And now, for the paragraph that pertains to the title - What, me worry?

I worry every day. I had a migraine last week for a couple of days - I was sure it was brain cancer. If I have diarrhea? colon cancer. Can't shit? anal or colon cancer. Right now, this very minute, I have some sort of weird pain under my boob - like a bug bite or something - but I'm pretty sure the cancer's back. Anything and everything is cancer.

I wonder if I'll always be this way. I wonder if it will every go away. I wonder if, at that magical five year mark, I'll suddenly realize that I don't have to worry about cancer all the time. I really hope so 'cause it's getting old. Thankfully, Andrew and I laugh about it. A lot. After all, I'm not the most healthy person so everytime I get sick I'm pretty sure it's the cancer. Back. To kill me before I get to hold my grandchildren. Ugh!! So, we just keep laughing and hoping. That's all we can do, really.

People ask me if I'm going to do the BRACA test. That's the test to see if you have the breast cancer gene. My pat answer is that I can't afford it. I'd have to admit that I'm not telling the truth on that one. I could afford it. It's $3,000 but I could afford it. I wouldn't be going to Hawaii next week, but I could afford it. Do I want to? I don't know, yet. And that's the thing. I think you have to be really, really positive that you want to know. That you're willing to deal with it if the results come up positive. Because, truthfully, if the results were positive? I'd chop my boobs off in a nano-second. But...I'm not ready to do that, yet. I'm still reeling from having a deformed boob and a 46 year old boob. I like having boobs - even the deformed boob. I like them. They're pretty and feminine. Andrew likes them.

I have been thinking about having reconstructive surgery, though. I would like to get my boobs "perkified" and an implant in the "little" one. But, how stupid would that be? Get them all pretty and perky and then find out that I have the gene? So....In the end. I'm just not doing anything. I'm not getting them pretty. I'm not cutting them off. I'm going with the watching and waiting method. So....although getting the mammo and MRI aren't fun? That's my method. For now.

Now...on to the fun stuff:

My sister, Kim, came for a visit. We had a blasty blast. Went to Daytona and did a lot of hanging out and talking. I love that woman sooo much!! It's amazing, our friendship. We've taken very different paths in life but agree on so much. I get total acceptance from her and she understands the heartaches that come with loving your kids so much that, sometimes, hurts. She'll commiserate with me and then kick me in the ass to get me moving, again. I love that!

We also had Andrew's sister and her family visit Florida. They rented a place "on the other side" in Cocoa Beach so we went and visited them for an extended long weekend. It was such fun! Jane and her husband, Craig, are funny and fun. People that you can be yourself with and they love you anyway....and visa versa!! LOL!! We rented a pontoon boat for a day - it was, seriously, one of the best days of my life!!! We saw dolphins, wandered around on a little island, swam with a manatee, almost sank the boat (I'm serious!) and laughed - a lot!

Kidwise - Jeff's going to University of Florida (not FU like I sometimes, mistakenly, say! LOL) for his Masters with the goal of becoming a CPA. He's still going out with Chanel and seems happy. Scott and Kev are still at University of Central Florida in Orlando. Kev's still in ROTC with the goal of going into the Air Force and becoming a Special Ops guy (much to his mother's chagrin!). Scott's changed his major to something in Media and Communications with the goal of being on TV or radio in sports. He's still crazy about his girlfriend, Julianna.

Andrew-wise: still loves his job. Hasn't been going to Europe as much this year (yay!!) and got in on a Hawaii trade show (again, yay!!).

Me - going to Hawaii with Andrew, of course!! I started a new job. It's commission only selling health insurance. I work from home - in my pj's!! Nice!!

I guess that's all, for now. I'll update again after I get all my test results in October.



Anonymous said...

Just to let you know I still think about you. I'm planning a big Zumba for the Cure event at my gym in November...I'm doing that for you and all the others that fought and are fighting this fight. Enjoy Hawaii....

shelli said...

Thanks for your words. I totally relate to the vocabulary thing...I'm almost 3 yrs past chemo and sometimes still pause in the middle of sentences, and know that I know a good word, but just can't think of it. It's getting better though. Maybe the crossword puzzles help.

I opted not to have the gene testing done. I have boobs; one smaller, but I get by. I have no daughters. I don't want to be branded with it.

Keep fighting!

Shelli G.

Anonymous said...

I think you are confusing chemo brain with age. I've had brain farts where I can't even remember Aunt Bell's name or Uncle Frank.

If you do get the test, let us all know, because up here in Canada after the 'primary' gets the test, and they have the results, we can get the test for free. That's Judy, Sammy, me, etc.

Sheetal said...

hi there...
randomly came across your blog, interesting read :)

take care,