Thursday, November 29, 2007

Busy Day!!

I had chemo today and after that? Went and got my head shaved.

Chemo went very well. Mom and Dad came with me. It was really nice - as nice as chemo can be. We just sat and chatted and before I knew it, it was all done. Easy.

Then I went and got bald. Well, I guess I shouldn't say bald but about as close as you can get. I went and had my head shaved today. The hair was coming out in huge handfuls - not chunks but when I ran my hand through my hair, everywhere, I would get tons of hair coming out in my hands. It was awful. Gross, even. And, I had resorted to wearing my hair in a ponytail, which is just not me, and my hair was so thin and my head hurt. I feel so much better. Like a huge weight has been lifted. Well, really, I had so much hair, I should go weigh myself - I probably lost a pound of hair!! And now I don't have to be obsessed with pulling out my hair by handfuls. Such a relief!!

Then after the head shaving, I tried on both my wigs and she cut the bangs and adjusted each to my head. Very nice.

Then.....Andrew got his head shaved!!! Oh yes he did!!! And, I must say...I have a very sexy bald man on my hands!! Very sexy, indeedy. You know what's really weird is that as they were shaving my head I was shocked at how gray the hair is - the under hair hasn't been coloured so it's really gray. Then, when Andrew was getting his done we were shocked at his hairline. I mean, yes, we know he has a "high hairline" (ROFL!!) but we had no idea it was that....receding.

Anyway, we'll get Kevin to take our picture later and try to post it. Now, I gotta go lie down. I'm exhausted. This was very emotional - although I didn't cry - not a single tear. I'm very proud of myself for that. I think it was because I was really fascinated by my own head. Mesmerized, even. I went to the wig shop to get it done and they do this every day so it was really quite nice. They got us a glass of champagne and it was a little bit of a party atmosphere. You know, starting a new adventure. I look at is like I'm one step closer to the end.

G'Night Everybody!!

Wednesday, November 28, 2007

My Head, Again

I would have to say I am obsessed about my impending baldness. A couple of days ago I actually went looking on the net for pictures of bald people. I found a group that was started by a girl with cancer and they're called "too sexy for my hair". It had lots of pictures of cancer bald people.

Then, last night I went to this seminar called "Look Good Feel Better". It a program for people undergoing cancer treatment and it gives great information like how to pencil in your own eyebrows, how to cover up blotchy skin, how to care for your newly bald head and goes over hair coverings. I got a bag full of free product - $200 worth. Nice. Anyway, there was a woman there who was bald and I couldn't stop looking at her. I kept sneaking glimpses at her bald head. The good thing is that she was used as the model for the wigs and by the end I was looking at her face not her bald head.

Every night I dream about my hair and baldness. This morning I woke up and didn't even want to put my hand to my head for fear there would be hair on my pillow. I made Andrew promise last night that if he sees there's hair on the pillow he'll wake me up so I don't have to face it alone. I feel like I'm living on the edge of looking normal and looking like a person with cancer. I've decided it's almost time. I really have to shave my head, soon. My hair isn't falling out in clumps but when I run my fingers through it many hairs come out in my hand. It's really weird 'cause they're not unhealthy hairs they're full length hairs. Hard to explain but I'm trying. If I could be assured I would lose it this way I would probably wait awhile. I have very thick hair so if I lost even half of it I would still look like the average person wandering around and I'd definitely have more hair than Andrew does. ROFL!!!

Anyway, I'm going to have to do something soon. I vacillate so far on this that while typing the above paragraph, I just added the words almost and soon. I think "today I'll do it" then in the next, literally, minute I think "I'll wait till tomorrow....I'll just hang in there another day".

Another weird side effect I'm having is that the tip of my tongue feels burned. You know when you have a sip of too hot chocolate? That's what it feels like. Weird.

That's all for now. I'll keep everyone posted on my hair thoughts and what I do. Well, not a minute by minute 'cause that would look like this:

now: I'm shaving my hair off today
A minute later: I'm waiting till it all starts falling out in clumps
Another minute later: Maybe I'll shave my hair today
Five minutes later: I gotta shave that hair off today
A second later: Hmmm, Maybe I'll just wait till it falls out in clumps
The mind of a maniac?
Raving Lunatic?
Hair Obsessed woman?
All of the above?

Possibly!! LOL!!

(that's Pooh speak for ta ta for now)

Tuesday, November 27, 2007

My Head

My head feels really weird today. Like the hair is hanging on by a teeny tiny thread. Weird.

Monday, November 26, 2007

Feeling Great!

Feeling great, today! Love it!! The irony would be? Apparently, this is the time when my immune system is low so, even though I feel great? Can't go anywhere. Not to a restaurant, mall, store. I can go for a walk outside so I'll do that this afternoon. Beautiful fall day here in Florida - about 77 degrees, sunny with a little wind. Lovely.

My hair has not yet started to fall out. Not a strand. Weirdly enough, with a low thyroid I'm used to having a lot of hair fall out and that's not even happening right now. My head is so itchy and "tingly" though. I know it'll happen this week so another bridge to cross when I get there. I'll hold out until it starts coming out, though. Then I'll go get it shaved.

That's all for today. Gotta go do some work and make some money so Andrew doesn't start giving me "that look". He's got this look he gives me when he knows I coulda worked and chose not to. I'm writing this while the opossum guy is here. Nothing caught yet. Andrew and I heard them last night right above our bed so he's going to put some traps up there. That means if they get caught? We'll find it hard to sleep tonight 'cause, apparently, they make a lot of noise when they get caged. We'll just go sleep in Jeff's room, I guess, if that happens. I just want them gone.

That's all for now. And remember....She's a little bit country, he's a little bit rock n roll - and they're going to be in Vegas in the spring!! Vegas here I come (I hope)!!

Sunday, November 25, 2007

Busy Weekend

This has been a busy weekend.

On Friday we went to the mall and got lots of shopping done. I needed new clothes for the following reasons:

#1 I need clothes that will cover my port. This thing is really not attractive and you can really, really see it. It looks like a huge boil under my skin - yuck! And the worst part is I have to have this thing for an entire year. I'm thankful for it - it will make chemo suck less but...ugly!!

#2 I quit my job and will now be doing most things from my home. I wanted comfy, at home clothes. So I got three velour track suits. One pink (of course), one black and one brown. That should get me through. I also need clothes that aren't tight on the tummy. My tummy still hurts, a little and I think this will be ongoing.

#3 I need chemo clothes. Yuck, eh? chemo clothes, you ask? Yes, well, they have to be able to access the port and you do chemo in your street clothes so button down shirts are the answer. The problem? I'm not a button down shirt type of girl. I don't like them. My momma even bought me a couple on Friday morning and brought them over. First off they're white. I try not to wear white. I admit it, I'm a little bit of a, I hate to say the word slob....messy. I'm kinda messy. Put white on me? Dirty within minutes. So, thanks, momma but...they're gonna have to go back. So I found some t-shirts with buttons part way down and those'll have to do.

So...that was the shopping. Then on Saturday we went down to the beach and out for lunch. Everyone except Scott went so it was close to perfect. Jeff has his girlfriend, Chanel, with him so that was nice. We had to take two cars, now that we've gotten rid of the Suburban. On the way home, Andrew, Hilary (Andrew's sister visiting) and I stopped at the store. When we got home Jeff had shaved his head!! Another one!!!

Listen, I didn't ask these boys to do this. I love that they're doing it, though. I think I've figured out why. It must be horrible having this mother with cancer and not being able to protect her from it or do anything to help. So...I think, this is the only way to show their support. And...I so appreciate it!!! I really thought it would just remind me that I'm going to be bald within days but I just love it. We can be a hairless gang.

So, today we're going shopping for an Ipod. They frown upon using my cell phone at chemo - even if it's just for music because then? People can still call. And they did. I spent half of chemo on the phone. I don't think it went over well so I'm getting an early birthday present of an Ipod today. I'll spend the day downloading songs onto it. Thanks to all who sent me their lists of songs! I'm taking some from every single one!

Have a great day everyone - I gotta find a way to make these posts smaller. They're way too long!

Friday, November 23, 2007








Hi all!

Happy Thanksgiving one day late.

Well I have had two very active days. First, on Tuesday, we were supposed to pick up Hilary (Andrew's sister) at the airport. It was going to be an easy pick up (yes, she's easy to pick up - ROFL!!! - just kidding!!) at the airport 1/2 hour away. In the morning I get a call that she got to the airport on time for the plane but, apparently, not on time enough. Did you know that some airlines have a cut off point (in this case an hour) and if you arrive after the time they just won't let you check in. She was 50 minutes prior to the flight, no lines at the ticket counter or at customs and, still, no letting her on. So she had to pick another flight and, smartly, she chose one into Orlando.

Now, if Scott had kept to his original plan and been at school (he goes to school in Orlando - about 2 hours away) until Tuesday, he could have picked her up and brought her home. But, oh no, Mr Wonderful (I mean this, he really is wonderful) had come home to surprise me the day before. So, first I had to get my blood work done (yes, I might as well just live at the doctor's office and yes, the blood work was "perfect" - what else would my blood work be, eh?) and then we headed to Orlando. Scott got to drive my new car for the first time (I got a 2005 Suzuki XL7, most importantly it's cute and blue/grey colour) and he liked it. It's peppy and he loved zooming in and out of traffic. I know, as a momma, I should be outraged but the kid drives so much like me. I'm so proud.

Then, the next day was Thanksgiving. Now, this is one week after my first chemo. Up until this point I had been feeling nauseous but thinking, this is a walk in the park if this is all there is. Well, that wasn't all there was. I had a bad day yesterday. It felt like (I'm quoting from my Dr. Marla book here) "my insides felt as if they were bathed in toxic waste, my gut ached, I was nauseated and suddenly overwhelmed by fatigue and weakness". You know, I was expecting this but not so far along. I was expecting it day 4 or 5, not day 7. Anyway, it was a horrible day, for me.

We got up at 5:30 am to get the 28 lbs turkey in. Kevin did the majority of it, Andrew helped and I sat on a stool supervising. By 8 am I felt like crap. It felt like someone had their hands in my tummy squeezing. Sometimes a slow squeeze and sometimes a quick jerky squeeze. Add in nausea and that's what I had. I ended up cancelling a few friends who were going to drop by for appetizers (although Jimmy and his girlfriend Cyrene dropped off a beautiful cornucopia of fall flowers - this is the girl I had never met! amazing!) and spent the day watching other people make the dinner (which sucks for me 'cause this is one dinner I love to make). So I thank the whole family for their individual contributions but I must say special thank-yous to Kevin, Andrew, Hilary and my mom. Kitchen whizzes!! (Can you believe that Kevin can make a 28lb turkey at 17 years old? seriously!!)

So today? Hopefully better. I'm going minute by minute. Hopefully we'll get some shopping in today.

Take care, everyone, and Happy Belated Thanksgiving!

Tuesday, November 20, 2007

the middle of the night - again

It's the middle of the night, again. No bad dreams for me tonight, though! Yippee!!

I had read that insomnia was a side effect of the anti-nausea pills. I didn't believe it would happen to me, though. I mean, I love sleeping and have never, ever had a problem doing so. But, here I sit at my computer at 3:00 in the morning.

We had an exciting day, here, yesterday. My mom came over to make some stew for us (it's gone, already - OMG, it was the best stew I've ever, ever had!) and change out the bed linens for me so that Hilary would have clean sheets to sleep on. I had gone to my room to lay down for a bit (I get very tired very quickly right now) and I heard the front door open. I thought it was Andrew's voice coming in the door but it wasn't. It was Scott's!!! He came home from college early!! OMG!! I was so excited! I walked fast (no, people, I don't run) over to him and hugged him for a long long time. I love that child so much! He even missed one of his hockey buddy's birthday parties to come home early. Sweet! mom knew we have an opossom problem in our attic. I had called for an estimate and was told with "our level of activity it would run over $1000 most likely $2,000". Well, I couldn't really "do" that right now and my mom and been talking to her neighbour who owns a pest control company and he came over this afternoon. For $300 he's going to rid our house of the opossoms!! I type....we've already caught one - I heard it. See? insomnia's good for something, right? So nice to hear it get caught in a cage (live catch, it's called) rather than having sex, that's right - having sex, in my attic. Yes, I heard opossum sex and kept banging on the ceiling with Kevin's cane but they wouldn't stop. ewwwww.....

Then, Andrew and I went to his doctor's appointment. A follow up to his "chemo day 1" ER visit. He just has that thing where you get anxious in a "medical setting". Phew! So, for sure, no more chemo parties for him. Bummer.

Then, we ate all the stew and I was well enough to go on an appointment and sell some insurance.

So, how am I feeling? Everyone's asking, it's all the rage. LOL!! Well, nausea and tired. If I miss taking my anti-nausea pill, it's not a pretty picture (me, in bed, moaning and almost crying, Kevin rubbing my back so I won't barf). I know this because I did this yesterday morning before my mom got here. I was sure I was going to have a good day and not be nauseaus but my body decided otherwise. So, for now I'm just going to take the darned pills. I'm sure my family will be happy to hear that. Tired? Wow. Spaghetti legs if I stay up too long. That'll suck in the next few days with Thanksgiving to prepare.

I'm a control freak in the kitchen. I'll let other people do things but I do like to supervise. Closely. So, this'll be hard for me to let others prepare the meal. I'll probably get the turkey (26 lbs!) ready because I make an awesome turkey, if I do say so myself! (And..if anyone else does it you never know how much cross-contamination will happen - yes, I'm a freak about it and if you saw my messy house you'd think that was not true is) The rest I will leave to others.

That's all for tonight. I'm going to play my pogo games.

G'night Everybody!

Monday, November 19, 2007

It's the middle of the night - for me.

Well, if you look at the time I'm writing this it's after midnight on Sunday night. I'm awake. Most of you who really know me would be shocked at this because I'm a 10 to 10 girl. That's right. There's no shame in it - I like to sleep from 10 pm to 10 am and then do it again the next night and every night thereafter. Unfortunately, tonight? I had a nightmare. And...the only way I'm going to get rid of it is to get it out and hopefully, when I go back to bed I'll dream I'm in Whiteland - you'll see, I'll get to it.

So the nightmare. Starts with a bunch of girls (Debbie, my Canadian best friend, is there and Miranda from Grey's Anatomy is there, too). We're getting ready for a girl's night out. We all leave the house at the same time but I end up in a different cab from everyone else. It gets lost and ends up in Cancerland. It's really dark here. The air has a horrible acidic taste and smell and is a wierd colour - all greenish and blackish tinges in it. I go into this mall to get directions and I get swept into the mall by the hordes of other people. They're all ugly and they wear black toques. They have tired eyes that are sunken and hollow looking with black rings around their eyes. They're sweeping me into Cancerland faster and faster, swirling around. I can't get out - I'm in a Cancerland tornado.

Then I get to the center and it's really scary and I have to choose a door. If I don't I die. They'll kill me. I can see the glimmer of their knives and guns. So I pick a door and go through. First I have to play a video game but I'm losing and I can feel their breathe on my neck. So I run from the game and I open another door and it's a grocery store. I know that I have to start feeding this woman - she's homeless and hungry and as long as I'm feeding her I'm safe. So I have a plastic bag full of mashed yams and I start feeding her. I can actually feel her teeth on my fingers as I push the food into her mouth. How gross is that? But I'm running out of food and if I don't keep feeding her I know they'll kill me.

Ends up, the rules of the game are to stay afloat for long enough to get out of the mall. The longer you can stay out of the mall the further you get from it. Unfortunately, I'm pretty sure I have to stay in the mall for a year and then, for the next five years, as long as my test results come back good I get to move from the center of Cancerland to the suburbs and then to the country and, eventually? I get to move to this place called Whiteland.

Oh! It's a wonderful place! I lived there until late September when I was forced to move to Cancerland. Whiteland is so pretty. It's all white lace and vanilla cake and vanilla icing and french vanilla coffee and vanilla bean ice cream and mountains of cool whip. The people there are pretty and nice. They wear white hats or are just beautiful and everyone wears white, all the time and they never get sick of it and they don't have to stop wearing white at Labour Day and start again in May. It's an all-year fashion and it never gets old. The air is crisp and clean and it snows every day but it's not cold or hot. It's so perfect. That's where I used to live. goal is to get back there. Being in the center of the mall in Cancerland is very scary, no matter how much support and cheering I have, I'm still alone in Cancerland while my friends are out dancing in Whiteland. Now, I'm going to cry for awhile and go back to my nice warm bed with my amazing husband and hope I can dream something else, for tonight. Ironically, when I awoke from my nightmare, Andrew was still working at his computer and it was 11:30 so I was, in my cancermind, sure he had had a heart attack and was dead at the computer and I just lay in bed, wondering if I should be hysterical to find him this way? calm so as not to disturb Kevin too much? call 911 or just cuddle my dead husband. Of course, when I came out to see him, he was just working away on the computer. I made him come to bed and then cried my eyes out explaining Cancerland and Whiteland to him. This poor man.

PS - I had a pretty good day today. Wasn't too nauseous, went for a car ride at around 2pm and then went for a walk, had a decent dinner but then started feeling crappy around 8pm and went to bed and watched Grey's Anatomy (that's where Miranda comes in, I guess) and then went to sleep. Not bad. Now, if I can just rid myself of this damned Cancerland nightmare and dream of Whiteland.....wish me luck.

G'Night Everybody!

Saturday, November 17, 2007

post chemo day 2

Not doing that great today. Started off ok - at 5 am. WTF?? (that stands for "what the fuck" for you people who don't have teenagers - LOL!!) I just couldn't sleep. Played on the computer, let the dog out, played on the computer, let the dog in, played on the computer, let the dog can see where this is going, eh?

Anyway, around 11 am I started feeling sick. Andrew went grocery shopping. Then he and Kevin went to Dinner Done. Audra sent me a lovely gift bag - Thank you Audra!! You're so sweet! Now, Andrew's out picking Kevin up at the gym and is going to start dinner. I have some anti-nausea pills I can take so they're helping me. I just seem to get it in waves. Weird. But...I must say that if this is the worst of it? I'd be a very happy camper. We'll see. I'll keep updating. Hopefully all the updates won't be this boring.

Oh! I do have a funny story, actually. Andrew & Kev are at Dinner Done. There's a knock at the door. Three college students standing there. One of the boys is actually on his knees with his shoes sticking out and his arms in his shirt (pretending to be a little person). Now, Scott does this all the time. In fact, he's even gotten my poor mother to do it with him (now that's funny!). So...they're trying to sell magazines. I just say no, I have to get back inside. The one kid says, people make fun of me 'cause I'm so short. I say, Well then stand on your feet instead of your knees. They all look shocked and laugh and he stands up and I say, I have kids your age, I know that trick. Well, the smart alek leader says "wow, you must have had them when you were a kid 'cause you only look 33, now." Well, that was a very nice thing for him to say but I didn't get a magazine and sent them on their way.

That's all I can muster today, peeps. Have a great Saturday night!

Friday, November 16, 2007

post chemo day 1

Well, so far so good. Not feeling too bad. A little queasy at times but mostly ok. Went for my shot that boosts the white blood cells - took Kevin with me since he's now so used to hospitals and needles (had a broken femer in the summer with surgery and hospital stay) that it didn't even phase him - and...he used to be way worse than his father!! He used to fight the nurses and they had to hold him down.

So I spent a quiet day...waiting. I'm not even sure what I'm waiting for. Lots of my peeps called me. Nancy dropped in with flowers and chocolate. Oh!! the card from my aunt and uncle etc... said " Thinking of you our dear Cancer Princess". How great is that?

Also I got two t-shirts from my sister Karen. One says "Cancer, you picked the wrong Bitch" and the other one says - on the front "Cancer the ultimate in extreme sports" and then on the back there's a picture of a bald girl lounging on a chaise lounge in a sexy dress and it says chemo girl. Thank you Karen!!!

And...for an anniversary present, Karen did a video for us. I was feeling a little blue today so I watched it for the first time. OMG!! Listen, if anyone wants their pictures and video put onto a DVD format, Karen is the one to do it. I am so impressed!!! Karen, can you put your web page up on the comments section so people can go see your work, please? You are one talented chicky!! Andrew hasn't seen it yet but I'm sure the first song (Puppy Love) will not be lost on him - well, actually, Scotty has the first song. Get this...she starts the video with Scott singing a cute song when he was about 6...does the rest of the dvd including pictures and videos all to great songs that mean something to us and she fades the music out for some video clips and actually ends with Scott singing another song. OMG!! Truly, Karen, you are sooo talented!! I can't say it enough!!

I'm sending Kevin and Andrew to Dinner Done tomorrow to make some meals that go straight from freezer to oven. I used to work there so if I'm well enough I'll go with them. It'd be nice to see them again - another job I had to quit for medical reasons. Ugh!

OK, enough with the whining, here. All in all, I had a good day, mate.

G'nite Everybody!!

Thursday, November 15, 2007

Chemo #1

Well, that was a walk in the park but very, very on, my friends, read on.....

So we get there and we're taken right in. I had my mom & dad and Andrew there for my first chemo party. Felt good walking in with my fanclub/entourage!!

First thing they do is prick your finger and take a sample. Then blood pressure (it was high), temperature (it, too, was high) and questions. The doctor came in and she was giving me info and then got up to listen to my breathing. This is when the excitement started. Now, ya'd think it was my breathing, right? Oh no, my dear friends, oh no. Andrew (who was standing up until this time) said to my dad "Don, can I sit down there, please?" My dad gets up and we all look at Andrew and he's ghostly white!! I really mean ghostly - even his lips were white. Well, the doctor leaves me immediately and goes to him, tells the nurse to call 911 and they're all taking his blood pressure (70/40) and getting him to put his head between his knees. Then the EMT's show up and take over and my mom, dad and I are escorted out of the room.

In the end, he was taken to ER and my dad went with him. He gets "woozy" at the sight of blood and I guess that and eating no lunch and being anxious about his beautiful, beloved wife going through chemo got to him. He's fine, now. No problem. After all the tests in the hospital, we also know that his heart is healthy and strong. I have banned him from attending any further chemo parties!! Banned!!!

So, my mom and I went to the chemo room. I was the only one there. They got me all hooked up (this port thing is fabulous!!), it didn't hurt, I didn't feel it, I just sat there and said a little prayer that my friend Ruth wrote for me and welcomed the chemo into my body so it can slay any renegade cells that may have escaped. Then I did some visualization a la pac man. I envisioned pac man running around my body eating up anything bad. My mom went to the pharmacy for some extra nausea drugs and by the time she got back I was finished. It took an hour and 15 minutes. That's it.

We got home and I went to bed to eat some popsicles - the nurse told me to. She also said I should eat ice cream so I'm thinking Dairy Queen!! woohoo!!!! - these are to help prevent mouth sores. I'm just sittin' there watching tv and Kevin appears at my door. OMG!! He had shaved his head!! That gorgeous curly hair - gone!! He did it for me. OK, I'm crying again. That was such an amazing show of support and he had been planning it. His friends from school knew. Wow. And...I can't believe how much he looks like my brother - only Kevin has a chin - I don't say this in a mean way - my brother has a beard for a reason. LOL!!!

Also, today. Right before I left for chemo, a beautiful bouquet of flowers arrived from my Aunt, Uncle, Cousins and their kids and spouses. They are soooo beautiful!! Pink. Lots of pink. Thank you so much, you guys!! I love you!! Can I say what the card said on the blog? Let me know. Really great!

And...I've gotten my first t-shirt with Cancer Sucks on it - well, other than the one I bought myself. This, too, is amazing. It is from a girl I have never even met. I have a friend at work named Jimmy. He's my best friend at work and he has a girlfriend named (sorry if I mess up the spelling!) Cyrene. Previously she made me a flower arrangement and now she sent a teal t-shirt to me. I repeat, I have never even met her!!!!

OK, I gotta go. I have to go have another popsicle and drink lots - oh! Now I get to have pink pee from one of the chemo drugs. They warned me and I love that it's pink.

As Donny and Marie would say,
G'night Everybody!

Just thought I'd point out that Donny's birthday party is in Vegas this weekend so if anyone wants to attend, you probably could. His actual birthday is in 24 days, just so you know. He's a little bit country, she's a little bit rock and know I know the whole song but there's still time for that.

Wednesday, November 14, 2007

We're Rich!

Well, maybe not rich, but we did get a cheque for $5,000 from Scott's online gambling. Nice, eh? Interestingly enough, he can't actually have an account in his own name since he's not 21 yet so I have, in my hot little hands, a cheque, made out to me!! for $5,000. Wonder if he'll ever get his hot little hands on it. Now, I'll have to go in and get the rest.

I tell you, this kid is doing very well on poker. This summer he made more playing poker than at his summer job - well since he kept "forgetting" to go to that summer job that wasn't, actually, a huge deal. LOL!! And now, this winter he's made about, what Scott? $10,000? while he's in school? You know, he's making it very difficult to keep telling him that he can't be a professional poker player. We've come to some sort of an agreement, I think. He's agreed to stay in school and graduate college (as long as he doesn't win a $100,000 tournament) and, when he's done college he can do anything he wants.

Health-wise....I had the port put in on Monday. Now I have these two bumps unders my skin. I tell you, I'm just a beauty, here. I have a big scar on my left boob, another under my left armpit and now these two bumps under my skin just below the collarbone on the right side. Really a beauty. And soon? I'll be bald to top it all off. Do I make you Randy, baby?!! (That's an Austin Powers reference, people!)

Anyway, the port? It hurts. They sent me home with no "good drugs" (as Andrew calls them) - just said to take Tylenol if it becomes uncomfortable. Well, that's the understatement of the year. Mom and dad had some tylenol with codeine that they brought over which is my favourite pain killer. It takes the pain away without me getting all loopy and high. So I took one of those and that worked. Then, I didn't want to use all their pills so I decided to take one of mine. Now, mine are the "big pain drugs" that I have left over from previous surgeries. Big ones like percocet. So, I take one of those and, almost immediately? I'm floating. Now, unfortunately, the pain is still there but my mind gets all loopy and crazy. I think my arms are "floating down the street and I can't catch them because there's too much traffic". I think the dog, because he's not on the bed, which I'm calling a raft, is going to drown. I also couldn't seem to find my mouth with my drink and got soaked and, I swear, the beans I had for dinner? They were jumping around in my hand and I couldn't get them into my mouth unless I opened it really wide. How funny is that? Last time I took those pills I sang Partridge Family and Brady Bunch songs - loudly - so I'm going to try to stay away from them from now on. ROFL!!

Today's my last day at work. I'm happy and sad.

I'm sad because I really loved that job and the people (especially Jimmy) I work with. They are not "typical" insurance agents. These people have hearts so big I can feel their love right through the phone. And, I can sexually harass them and it's ok because, if they're receptive to the harassment? It's totally legal! (We had a seminar on sexual harassment and learned that intesting fact. So now? We sexually harass each other as often as we can even though I'm pretty sure the seminar was supposed to have the opposite effect!!) I'm going to make them rub my bald head, soon! (this may have been an inside joke - don't take offense. We are, after all, still insurance salespeople and can be a little crude at times!)

I'm happy because that means I'm starting chemo tomorrow and I just want to get on with it. I'm ready for this cancer fight. I've got my dukes up and I'm going to punch and kick the shit out of it. I want everyone to remember that the chemo is for preventative purposes. I don't have cancer anywhere else but if I don't do chemo I have a 30% chance of it coming back whereas with chemo that goes down to 15 percent. Then, I'll do radiation, which takes it down even more. And, I'll do herceptin, which takes it down even more so, in the end - I have about a 3 - 5% chance of recurrance in the next five years. Those are ok odds. I'm good with that - way better than 30%, that's for sure.

Well, that's all, for now. I'll update more after the chemo (it's at 2:00 Thursday afternoon if anyone wants to send "good thoughts" my way at that time). Now, I gotta go get ready to Kick Cancer's Ass!!

Sunday, November 11, 2007

Wig Shopping and a Night out on the Town!!

OMG!! I have had a great weekend!

First off - wig shopping. My mom and I went wig shopping on Friday afternoon. At first it was disturbing. OK, the whole time was disturbing was fun, too. First I picked some wigs I thought would look good. Then, they take you into a separate room for privacy and put a net on your head and you start trying on wigs. The first 3 or 4 were horrible. Horrendous. Scary, even. Then...we figured out the style I needed and it got more fun and they started looking pretty good. The lady was very frustrating, though. We'd find a wig style we liked and it wouldn't come in the colour I need. Then, we'd find a colour I liked but it didn't come in any styles I liked. We left frustrated but knowing that it is possible to have a wig and not look like one of "those women" with a wig. OMG - that lady in the shop, though? You would think, working in a wig shop she would have a great wig but it was bad!! She really is one of "those women" with a wig. And makeup? She could open up a fricking makeup store with the amount she was wearing. Holy cow!!

Then we went for lunch. I ended up spending most of the time on the phone with a nurse from the hospital asking me health questions for the Monday port surgery. Sorry mommy!! But, thanks for lunch. It was delish!!

Mom and I went into the parking lot and said goodbye and we both ended up a bawling mess. We're so mad and sad and scared. It never seems to leave me and I'm so emotional. An emotional mess.

Then, Saturday morning we went wig shopping again. Andrew and Kevin joined us. It was really fun. The owner jokingly offered champagne and I ended up with a mimosa!! He actually went next door and got me some orange juice and made me one! So sweet. Anyway, this shopping trip was much more successful. My sweet momma bought me two wigs. They're really cute. I want one more but I'm going to wait till I'm bald to get it. So now I have two wigs on heads in my kitchen. They have bags over their heads. I just can't look at them, yet. I like them but facing the fact that I'll be wearing a wig in about two weeks is killing me so I'll keep them bagged until I can face it. (apparently, my hair will start falling out 10 to 14 days after chemo)

After wig shopping we went to Olive Garden for lunch and then Andrew and I left for our "night away". We had won the night at a silent auction for Jeff's fraternity so it was "free" - well previously paid for, anyway. We had such fun!! We checked in and then went down to the pool. It's too cold (75) for bathing suits so we sat in the deck chairs, fully clothed, and read and dreamed about our future. The sky was an amazing blue and it was magical. Then we went upstairs and got dressed for dinner and went to the The Palm Restaurant and we had a 3 lb Nova Scotia Lobster each, which were so good. Then we went to this place called the Blue Martini. It was so fun!! There's a band who plays behind the bar. How cool is that? They were good, too. We found a spot to stand and we could watch the band and stand by a table and dance together and people watch because we were right by a spot where everyone had to walk by to get to the bar. There were a lot of bald men!! I'm going to be "in style" soon!! There were also a couple of girls in wigs - now that I know what a wig looks like, I could tell but I wouldn't have known, otherwise. And there were some really, really drunk people to watch!! It was so fun!!

Anyway, we're back home and Andrew's gone to the gym and I'm supposed to be doing some online tests for insurance but I decided to blog first. Actually, I'm supposed to be at one of my best friend's jewelry party but I'm an emotional mess today and I just can't do it. Going through another surgery sucks. Shit, frankly, this whole thing sucks. Chemo sucks. If anyone finds a cute t-shirt that says "chemo princess" or "chemogirl" can you let me know? Especially if it has a bald person on it.

I get my port put in tomorrow and will update everyone on that when I can. Several people have asked what they can do or get for us. So far, we're ok. When "things" come up I'll let y'all know. Debbie, can you let Chris know that I wear the breast cancer pin he got me just about every day? What a sweet, sweet man.


The wonderful thing about tigger,
Is I'm the only one,
Their tops are made out of rubber,
Their bottomes are made out of spring,
Boing Boing Boing.

Thursday, November 8, 2007

Another Test Down....

I've decided to rethink all these tests. I was previously thinking, as the test day would come... "Another test. I'm starting to feel like a pin cushion." Well I've decided to modify my thinking. With each test? I get closer to the end. That's the only way to think about it from now on.

Actually, yesterday's test was nothing. I told him that I really didn't want another IV so I didn't get one. He just injected the "stuff" right into my arm. I have a beautiful vein. One I've been proud of for years. I show it off all the time. It's gotten me through all the c-sections and so many times at the ER for my asthma. I love this vein. Well, again, it helped me out and I love it even more. Weird? Possibly. Whatever...I do love it.

Anyway...I digress. This test yesterday was so easy. It wasn't to see if my heart was strong enough to withstand chemo, afterall. It was kind of like a baseline heart test. I guess some of the chemo drugs - especially the herceptin which I will have for a full year - can do heart damage. It's usually short lived heart damage, which is good (again, ironic, but good). Anyway, they wanted to do a baseline heart test. Then, in another couple of months, they'll do another one to see if the chemo is doing any damage to my heart. If it is, they lay off the chemo for a bit (I don't know what "a bit" is, nor do I want to know - another bridge I'll cross if I have to) until it gets back to normal. They do this over and over and over. Good thing I liked the guy who did it. He said he'll probably be the one to do it everytime. And he's cute, too - Bonus!!

You know what's weird is every time I go for a test at the hospital they marvel at how young I am. This is so nice in such a weird way. I love being told how young I am or look. What woman doesn't like that? So I'm flattered...for a moment. Then, I realise this isn't a compliment. I'm have cancer. Ugh. I've been having some pretty strong ugh moments lately. But I've been told people who have a positive attitude get through this stronger and healthier so here are my positive things:

1) I won't have to wash my hair and style my hair and get my hair cut and highlighted. Now, I know that last part shocks you. Yes, I do get my hair highlighted. Most people think I have naturally gorgeous hair....I do, but I do get some help. Shocked? I know, I know - you'll get over it.

2) When my hair grows back? I will finally know what my real colour is!! I haven't known that for years. I'm really, truly curious as to what colour it will be.

3) I will not have to shave my legs or armpits for months!!!! This, my dear people, is huge!! I could even say fucking huge!!! I hate - with a passion, you can see - shaving anything. Now, listen. I've heard a few comments about me and the "F" word. Listen. I love the "F" word. My mom loves the "F" word, too. My sister Kim? One of her favourite sayings is "Fuck a Duck". It's funny!! And...what other word can you think of that can be used in so many ways - it's a noun, a verb, an adverb. You cannot be upset if I use it...afterall....say it with me, people.....I'm Cancergirl!! I can say anything I want. LMFOA!!!

4) I will get to pencil in my eyebrows. Now, this may sound bad but imagine....just imagine. I could have an angry day. a surprised day. an excited day...all with the shape of my eyebrows. jealous? hmmmmm? I bet you are!!!

5) I get to wear wigs. I can be a red head one day and a platinum blonde the next. I saw a gorgous wig yesterday that was long and curly - you know - the spiral curls I had in the early 90's? I loved that hair!! Can you say Sexy Sandy? Andrew can!!

6) I get cards in the mail. I love getting cards in the mail!!! First off - you know someone's thinking of you and I do like people thinking of me. Second off - some of them are fricking hilarious!! (see how I said fricking instead of fucking. Oh!! Shoot! I said fucking to say I didn't say fucking...damn! I said it again to say that I said fucking. See how this can keep going? I'm on a downhill swing, here, people!! uh oh!!) Again, I digress....I swear I have ADD... anyways...Keep sending the cards, please. One of my favourites is from Debbie telling me how wonderful I am. Do you know how much I love that? Of course, it made me cry - but in a good way. I've been crying so much lately that a good cry is so very welcome.

7) I get to shop. Even though it is for "cancer stuff" - no shopping is bad shopping. I'm going wig shopping on Friday and Saturday with my mom (and Kevin's tagging along on Saturday). This should be fun! I bought myself a "Cancer sucks" hat and t-shirt. I think that is so funny! True...but very funny. If anyone wants to send me anything with "cancer sucks" on it? Feel free!!

8) I've been getting presents. Oh yes! And it's not even my birthday. Mary sent flowers. Mum C sent flowers and a balloon. Kathy from Andrew's office sent a plant. Christy keeps giving me "stuff" including a gift certificate to Bath & Body Works - she is so wonderful!! Jimmy from work's girlfriend made - yes I said made! - a pretty flower arrangement. All fall-like. It's really nice!! Oh!! Jane sent an amazing book!! It's by a Canadian author who went through almost exactly the same thing I'm going through and she's a doctor. It's the best book I could get in these circumstances. A can't put it down book. Thank you, Jane!!!

9) My parents and Christy have offered to paint my bedroom!! OK! This is big. I love this. Now? I have to pick a colour. Christy!! Help me!! (I go to her house and see her walls and get the colour and paint my walls that colour - I've done this twice already and plan on continuing this trend and she doesn't even mind!! Listen, when someone like that comes into your life you gotta love it. I am not good at picking colour and she is)

10) My operation boob is all perky and will be cute when it's finished "filling in". I like it better than my "original" boob. I still love the word boob. boob boob boob boob. It's really a great word. So now I'm going to have to get the original boob "done". A girl can't have mismatched boobs. That would Just be wrong. Unreasonable.

So....that's all I can think of on the goods. Andrew isn't getting me an IPOD. He reminded me that I have one - on my phone. Duh! I forgot. So, I'm going to spend the weekend shopping for wigs and downloading songs onto my phone.

Now, I have to go clean up my house 'cause the cleaning lady's coming today. Now that's ironic.

Have a great day!

Monday, November 5, 2007


Thought I'd write a quick update as to my timeline on all my tests.

This Wednesday afternoon I have a test to make sure my heart is strong enough to handle the chemo drugs. ugh - another freaking IV

Monday I have the port put in. ugh - another freaking IV & operation

Thursday, November 15 I start chemo. oh joy, oh bliss. yes, I'm kidding.

My parents are back down. Yippee!!! Makes me feel much better when they're so close. Nice. We went for dinner with them tonight. I just felt peace in my heart. I love them so much!

Mom and I will go shopping for a wig sometime this week. Should be interesting and, hopefully, fun. And...if my mother tells me again how good I look (younger and taller since I lost the weight!) I will just hug her to death! What is better than my momma coming to town and telling me that? Nothing, I tell you! Nothing!!

Andrew's birthday tomorrow. We're going out for a business dinner. I like this. You know, with my birthday so close to Christmas, we've often gone to business X-Mas parties and called them birthday dinners. Once, we went to a seminar and got stuck in an elevator for an hour and while we were in there, the people sang Happy Birthday to me. That was an interesting one. Then, they rescued us through the hatch of the elevator into the shaft. So, this going on a business dinner on his birthday really makes me happy. I don't mean that in a bitchy way....more in a "now you know how I feel" way. I think I do sound bitchy, though. Maybe I am bitchy....ya think? ROFL!!!

That's all for now.
G'night Everybody!!

Friday, November 2, 2007

The Oncology Report

Well, I went to see the Oncologist this morning. It went quite well considering I had to see a cancer doctor. No surprises except that it's all going to happen so quickly.

I start chemo on Thursday, November 15. I go every two weeks for 8 weeks. I also have to have something called herceptin for a whole year. That starts on the 5th week and I do that every three weeks. It's all very complicated but we'll take it day by day and it'll all be over with in a year.

Ok, here's the important stuff - yes, I will lose my hair. According to the standard way things go, I should still have my hair on Thanksgiving (Nov 22 for you out-of-country peeps) but will lose it shortly thereafter. The good part is that I won't be....I'm trying to be "politically correct" but it's not gonna work for me so I'll just say it - I won't be barfing, vomiting, spewing. None of those. They have drugs that help with that. That is a true relief for me. I have a few phobias. Teeth, hair and vomiting. You can see that two of them come into play here. Don't get me wrong, I like my own hair but, generally? Well, lets just say I have a delicate gag reflex and all these things set me off - just thinking about them. So, the no puking thing is very good news for me.

So before the 15th I have to have a port put in. It's this thing they put in my chest with a tube that goes directly into my veins (nice and close to the heart) so that I don't have to have an IV every time they do the chemo. This will freak me out but I have to have it for a year so I just better get used to it, right? That will be a day surgery - probably this week sometime. I also have to go and get some sort of testing done on my heart to make sure I'm healthy enough to get the chemo. This just seems ironic, to me. Anyway, I have to have an IV on that one, too. I think I'll start feeling like a pin cushion in the very near future.

I also have to quit my job. That sucks 'cause I really like my job. But working with the public in a seminar setting in restaurants and doctor's offices wouldn't be good since my immune system will be weak. But, weirdly enough, another job has come up that's perfect for me. It's insurance sales on the phone - from home!! What's better than that? I can work in my pj's. bald.

So, things have a way of working out and I really think it's amazing that this new job cropped up (thank you, Ed Beth! I love you!!) right when I need that very job. I do wish I didn't have cancer but the outpouring of love and caring people have shown has been incredible and this is another example.

I just must add that this week has been terrific for me on the Donny front. If anyone's been watching tv they'll notice that Marie has been on Dancing With The Stars and all over the "entertainment news shows". Well, where there's Marie? There's Donny!! He's been on tv every single night this week!! Can you even imagine how happy this makes me? The only thing that could make me happier? Well there's two - one's "unmentionable" and dreamy and private and....oh!!! The other would be seeing the Osmond's in concert in March in the UK. I will be done the chemo and I'm sure the herceptin could be worked around it. Are you reading this Andrew? An "all done chemo and let's celebrate with Donny" vacation!! I know, I know. I'm a little obvious in my hints but, after 25 years of marriage? I have come to realize that subtle and getting what I want do not go hand in hand!! ROFL!!!

Have a great weekend everyone! I know I will - Scotty's home this weekend - the weather's going to be 78ish every day and I'm going to be out in that sun as often as possible.

G'day y'all!