Monday, December 31, 2007

Some Days Are For Crying

These past two days (Saturday and Sunday) were spent crying. Non-stop crying. I actually thought I might be having a mental break down I cried so much.

I had chemo on Thursday and immediately felt yucky. Woke up Friday feeling yucky. This really threw me because for the past 3 treatments I've been ok on Friday. By the time I woke up on Saturday morning I felt like shit. The more I got into the day the shittier I felt. And...the sadder. Andrew had a lunch meeting he had to go to so I was left at home with the boys for about 4 hours. Now, my boys, as spectacular as they are, are boys. And so they should be. I don't like to moan and groan to them. That, to me, would not be fair. So I slept lots and felt shitty and got sadder with every passing moment.

Well, by Sunday morning? I was a wreck. I felt like crap. Here's the scenario. Nausea happens. They have pills for that, right? I've explained that before. What I didn't mention is that the pills:
#1 make you tired. Very tired. Take a nap for 3 hours tired.

#2 make you constipated. Very constipated. Cry constipated.

So...I try really hard not to take the nausea pills if I can help it. Well, if I don't take the nausea pills I feel like crap. If I do? I can't crap. Got it? Lovely, eh?

So, Sunday I'm feeling like crap and it all hits me. I'm only half way through chemo and I still have a year of herceptin left and 6 weeks of radiation (every fucking day for six fucking weeks) and I don't want to do this. I'm serious. I don't want to do this. I started getting a little hysterical. My men don't know what to do.

Here's what happens when a woman cries. First the men around her look at her. Just look at her. With this look on their face that says "Why is she crying and did I cause it?". Then, when they realize they didn't cause it? They want to make it go away. Just make it freaking go away!! So...they start with questions and answers. They try to "solve" the problem. This just makes it worse 'cause sometimes? You just have to cry. My poor men! They were so wonderful. I'm sitting there crying saying "That's it, I'm done. I can't do this anymore! Why are they poisoning me with chemo when I feel like I should be eating well and exercising and doing yoga and eating flax seed and broccoli and spinach?" And they're standing/sitting there looking at me not knowing what to do. I mean, really, what can they do?

Anyway, this went on all day yesterday. The crying.

This morning? my opinion actually has not changed. I really feel done with this. Now, don't get all panicky, people. What I mean is? I want to ask more questions. In my mind, right now, the chemo doesn't make any sense. I feel so unhealthy. When I feel nauseous eating well/nutritiously is the last thing on my mind. All I want is something soothing - usually in the form of some simple carb like white bread or a baby cookie. Well, that's not healthy is it? And exercise? I'm lucky to make it from the bedroom to the bathroom without feeling tired and crappy let alone getting out and walking. I dunno, this just doesn't seem like the best path to be on. It just doesn't. And then? A year of herceptin? Why? That will be my question? And then? 6 weeks of radiation? Again..why? I want the stats again on just how much this will do for me. I mean, after all this chemo why do I need radiation, too? It's not like they found the cancer in the lymph nodes, for Pete's sake.

Anyway, can you tell I'm in a bad mood and am not a happy camper?

So....I'm not asking any of you for advice and, frankly, would prefer not to have it. I know I sound bitchy but I just can't deal with other people's opinion's right now. I have an appointment on Thursday with the oncologist. She wants to go over the next protocol of chemo (a drug called taxol) and what it does and the side effects and she wants to talk about the herceptin. So...I'm not saying I'm done with chemo but I am saying I'm really fed up and have questions. Andrew will support me with whatever decision I make and will help me make it.

I hope everyone has a nice New Year's Eve. We're staying home. Cooking some steak and mushrooms and popping some nice Asti Spumanti and thanking our lucky stars we have a wonderful family and great friends. Happy New Year's Everyone!

Thursday, December 27, 2007

Christmas Gone...Onto Chemo #4

I hope everyone had a wonderful Christmas. Ours was lovely. Lots of cooking. Some present opening. I made a major faux pas. As most of you know, Santa doesn't fill adult stockings so Andrew & I fill each others. Well, one day we were out at Walmart & I kept picking little things up and saying "put this in my stocking". For some reason, I thought he had done the same. Turns out? Not so much! poor man had one CD in his stocking and I grabbed a tangerine to fill it out a little more. I felt so guilty! But? I had some lovely things in my stocking! ROFL!!

The boys all did well. Kevin got an Ipod and a new sword, Scott got new skates and another guitar hero, Jeff got a bunch of fraternity clothes and gift cards, Andrew got a Lightening Jersey. Me? Andrew & I gave each other (and mom and dad) tickets to an Alan Jackson concert. The boys gave me, for my birthday and Christmas combined, a small pond in the backyard. I'm very excited about it. We went and got some of the stuff they need to get started and Kevin started digging the hole yesterday. It's the beginning of our landscape design for the backyard. Of course, money will decide how far we get, in the end, but I'm hoping for a more enjoyable backyard (which won't be hard since there's nothing back there right now except a lot of weeds!).

Christmas day we had Mom & Dad and The Halls for dinner. Again, very nice. The Halls are like family, now, so we can joke with them, enjoy them, just like family. I decided to change dinner up a little. We end up having the same dinner for Thanksgiving as for Christmas. Now, that was fine when we lived in Canada because those two dinners are a couple of months apart. But, now that we're in The States I find it redundant. So...I decided to try twice baked potatoes....for the first time! Listen, we had them on the sailboat this past weekend (Jean made them and said they were easy and she's a big liar - or a better cook!) and they were sooo good! I decided to try them for our dinner. Well, what a mistake. There's gotta be a trick to these things 'cause mine? Came out too garlicky, too cheesy and too gloppy. Is that a word? gloppy? Well, how 'bout too starchy? Anyway, they were yucky. A big fat flop. On Christmas day! Lesson? Don't try a new recipe on Christmas Day.

Now on to Chemo talk. I'm doing my fourth chemo this afternoon. That means I'm halfway through. I'll also be "done" with the first type of drug. They give you one type for the first four times and a different one for the second four. Apparently, the nausea for the second four isn't as bad but you do get more "pains" from the second four. We'll see.

Anyway, I was in the shower yesterday staring down at this new body that just won't let me forget I'm doing this damn treatment. First off, you know when you get in the shower and the first thing you do is lean your head back to get your hair wet? Well, still, after all these weeks, I lean back and put my hands up to move my hair around to get it all wet. Hello! I have no hair. Freaks me out every time. Now? I will talk about "other" hair. Listen, I got kinda excited at the prospect of "all" my hair falling out. Legs with no hair. Upper lip with no hair. Armpits with no hair. Well, apparently? The legs and upper lip didn't get the memo. Ugh! How the hell can my upper lip not get the memo but my eyebrows and my entire freaking head got it? Weird. Just weird.

Well, that's all for today. Wish me luck on my chemo!


Monday, December 24, 2007

Great Weekend!

We had a great weekend!

Friday night we were supposed to go see Jim Brickman in concert. That fell through so we ended up sitting at home doing nothing. Just what we needed. Perfect.

Saturday we went over to the west coast to see Trevor and Jean Johnson. Trevor was Andrew's boss at Risdon many moons ago. Very important to stay in contact with special people from the past. Anyway, Jean and Trevor live on their sailboat. I really didn't know what to expect. We started out on a dinghy going out to the boat. The boat is in a marina but not at the dock - out about 100 yards out so you take a dinghy to get to the boat. We ate and drank and chatted and went out on the dinghy to a park and took a walk on the beach and ate and drank and chatted some more. A manatee showed up. Lots of dolphins wandered by. Really nice.

I don't think I could do what they do. Live on a boat. I admire them, though. It really takes a lot of hard work, persistence and knowledge. They head to The Bahamas just after New Years. It's only about 12 hours of sailing from Miami to The Bahamas. I didn't know that. Makes sense, though, since my flight was only 45 minutes. I'm a little jealous, too. They just take care of themselves out there. That would be nice to just take care of yourself for awhile. But, again, I don't think I could do it. I need my kids and parents and extended family and friends way too much. I need to connect with you people that I love so much.

I'm excited about Christmas. Today (Christmas Eve) we always eat exactly the same things (chicken wings, nacho dip that Kevin makes, spinach dip in pumpernickel bread and Andrew insists on veggies and dip to make it look at least a little healthy). Every year. We may go to a movie. We may stay home and watch White Christmas (Sisters, sisters, never such devoted sisters...Caring, sharing, every little thing that we are wearing....). Then, Christmas we open presents (we don't do Christmas big - everyone gets one thing from each other plus stockings) and spend the day together. Turkey dinner. Mom and Dad and The Halls are coming over. Lovely. Low key.

This is going to be a great time for me - healthwise - too. I'm in my period of feeling good and chipper. Yey! It'll be much better than Thanksgiving, thank goodness!

Have a wonderful Christmas Eve and Christmas, All!!

Friday, December 21, 2007

What a Dilemma!!

And the dilemma is....who do I cheer for? I come across this same problem year after year. As most of you know I'm a huge Toronto Maple Leafs fan. Have been forever! That's a long time, people!! Then, when we moved to Tampa, it's really easy to get tickets to the games. And not expensive for really good seats, either (well, if you don't eat that is - more on that later). So I became a Lightening fan, too.

Problem comes? When they play each other. Who do I cheer for? I've seen them play each other three times. First time, I wore my Leafs Jersey. Cheered for my Leafies but? It just didn't feel right. Cheering against my Lightening boys. It was just wrong. So...the next time I went to see them play I wore my Lightening Jersey. Well, that was just wrong, too. Cheering against my Leafies (especially that cute Matts Sundin whom I love!). My team who I've loved forever.

I must add an aside, here. You know, it's hard being a Leafs fan. I mean. I love them and all, but seriously! They haven't been the winningest team around, you know? So, in order to be a Leafs fan? You really have to love this team 'cause it would be really easy to toss them aside and just be a Lightening fan who have a Stanley Cup under their belts in my lifetime whereas the Leafs? Well? I haven't gotten the satisfaction of seeing them win a Stanley Cup, ya know?

Anyway, I digress. So, you know what I did last night? I cheered for both teams. I wore my Lightening jersey and took my Leafs towels (I wanted to take my Leafs jersey but Scott said that would be "dumb" and who wants to be dumb, ya know?) and when my Leafies scored? I cheered and waved my towel! And when my Lightening scored (more than the Leafies)? I jumped up and down and high fived and hooted and hollered!! It was so fun! Especially when my Brad Richards and my Matts were both on the ice at the same time! Facing off against each other! Heaven!!

Ticketwise. We got 4 tickets for $150 about 18 rows up from the ice in the nice padded seats. Nice.

Foodwise. Jeez! We spent $60 on 4 cheeseburgers and 2 fries and 1 water, 1 pop and a small beer at 5 Guys. It was good food but holy cow! It shocked me. Literally. She says the total and I went "What? Holy Cow!" She must get that a lot 'cause she just smiled.

So, that was our night last night. As an aside I will say again. People sure can stare at a girl in a hat. I wore my cute pink fuzzy hat and, man! People can be so rude! It just makes me uncomfortable to go out in public. And? It makes me want to whip off the hat so badly. Now that would really shock them and be way more comfortable for me. It'll happen, I'm betting. It's gonna take: Me? in a bad mood. Them? probably an adult staring - someone who should really really know better. And then? I'm gonna whip off whatever's on my head and say something. I don't know what, but something.

Anyway, peeps. Have a great day today!

Wednesday, December 19, 2007

Our Christmas Card

Go see our Christmas Card! Many of you have received it via e-mail but if you haven't? It's really funny! Laugh Out Loud funny!

Tuesday, December 18, 2007

Mixed Feelings Today

I'm feeling very mixed today.

I woke up with this weird feeling in my legs. Similar to sciatica but not as painful. I'd have to call it restless leg syndrome. You know. The one you see on the tv and didn't believe people really get? I think I have it. As long as I sit upright (I'm not feeling well/strong enough for that) it's ok but as soon as I sit back or lie down I feel like I have to keep moving my feet/legs except that I'm not feeling strong enough to do it. It probably has something to do with the needle they give me to keep my white blood cell count up. I know that can give me pain in the bones so maybe this has something to do with that. I dunno.

I also feel like I have a "burned tongue". You know when you drink hot chocolate when it's too hot and you get the tip of your tongue burned? I'm pretty sure chemo has done that to me. Now that's a weird feeling. To think that these chemicals they pump into me burn my tongue. Weird.

I'm also feeling very "why me-ish" today. I'm wallowing. I hate this chemo shit. I really hate it. I mean, talk about taking everything feminine about me and bashing it? First my boob - indented. I know, I know. Y'all get uncomfortable hearing about it. Well, imagine living with it? Every time I take a shower there it is. Then...I lose my hair. Well, that just fucking sucks, ok? I hate that. I have this stupid port. It has become less uncomfortable but I must say, I always know it's there - by feel's sticking out of my chest!! There it is. A bump in my chest. This really bugs me because #1? not attractive. #2? It's really messing with my fashion statements. I like to wear v-necks. Occasionally? A little cleavage is nice. Now? Not a fricking chance in hell of that. Ugh! finds me wallowing...but...I'm also excited.

We have a huge weekend coming up and I'm so excited!! First....drum roll please.....The Leafs and The Lightning are playing in Tampa on Thursday night! My two favourite teams!! You know, this is a win-win situation for me. Every single goal that's scored is scored by my favourite team! I've decided to wear the Lightening Jersey and bring the Leafs Jersey and when the Lightening scores? I cheer!! When the Leafs score? I cheer and wave my Leafs Jersey around. Seriously....what's better than that?

Then...Friday night, we're going to see Jim Brickman. Most of you probably haven't heard of him. He's a pianist/song writer. He plays so beautifully and my friend Jimmy knows someone who's getting us tickets. It will be very romantic. I was just saying last night as we were decorating the Christmas tree how I miss going to Christmas concerts and then realized that Jim Brickman is a Christmas concert so I'll get to go to one and snuggle up with my honey. Sing it with me here, people....Heaven, I'm in Heaven, And my heart beats so that I can hardly......ahhhh

Then....Saturday morning we're heading to the east coast. Just Andrew & I. We're going to visit some old friends from Canada (Barrie). Ok, here's the story. Way back in 1990 Andrew started with a company called Risdon. His boss was a guy named Trevor. He turned out to play a huge role in Andrew's career and lead Andrew to participate in various departments in the company, not just accounting. He gave Andrew great advice and was a mentor in many ways. We moved to Connecticut and then down here to Florida and have kept in touch with Trevor over the years. Well, Trevor - get this - lives on a sailboat, now. Seriously. The guy lives on a sailboat with his partner/wife?, I'm not sure if they're married but they must be wildly in love to live on a sailboat together, right? Anyway, they live on this sailboat and are currently off the east coast of Florida. So, Andrew and I are going to go spend Saturday and Saturday night on their boat with them. This does present some concern for me as I have been known to get motion sick but I'm going to take my little wrist bands and hope for the best. If I'm nauseous, I'm sure there's a hotel that I can go to. But...this is big for us because #1? we get to see Trevor and Jean whom we have not seen for years and years (dying to see just how far back his forehead goes, now! ROFL!!) #2? Andrew has mentioned from time to time that this might be something we could do in the future. I can ask a lot of questions and see if it's something to consider.

Then....Christmas and all the joy that comes with it. I'm going to be on my "good days" through Christmas which brings me such joy, in itself!!

Then...Fucking Chemo. you can see? I'm like a little roller coaster wandering my way down the tracks. One second I'm up the next I'm down. So mixed. So frustrated. So difficult to be this way when that's not, actually, how I live my life. I'm so used to being up most of the time. Don't get me wrong...I'm not a Pollyanna but, I do tend to be an optimist and this mixed emotion thing is difficult to handle.

I'm sure by the end of the day I'll be fine but for now I think I'll go shower and try to pull myself out of the funk.

TTFN peeps!

Sunday, December 16, 2007

Nice Birthday!

It's Sunday morning.

I had a nice birthday. It would have been great except I only got to see my honey for an hour of the day. It all started at 2am Saturday morning. The phone rang. It was Delta Airlines telling Andrew (who was in Germany at the airport!!) that his flight to Atlanta is delayed. Ugh! Well, I'm awake now so I call him in Dusseldorf to pass on this info that he already knew. He was pretty funny with "What are you doing awake? It's the middle of the night for you!" He won't give the home number as a contact number ever again. So, I get off the phone with him and can't sleep so on goes the tv. I watch a really bad movie called Duets with Gwyneth Paltrow and Huey Lewis. Gets me to sleep very quickly. Thank goodness for bad movies in the middle of the night!!

I wake up Saturday morning. My parents call me singing Happy Birthday. Christy and Jill came over and brought me dinner for that night, a basket of wonderful "girl stuff", and a coffee coolata from Dunkin' Donuts. Yummo!!! Then, Deb calls and she and Austin sing me Happy Birthday, Mrs. Callin calls, Hilary calls, my parents come over with my horoscope for the year and a card that sings Kokomo...I loved it - made me laugh out loud. Andrew had sent a bouquet of flowers on Friday with a balloon, Debbie send me a bouquet of flowers that are all pinky and wonderful, Karen called.....Kim and Steve called but I was in bed by then.

A very busy day, all around. I felt ok all day up until about 4pm. Then? I crashed. I felt very nauseous and whiny. Andrew didn't end up getting home until about 9:30. I had slept for a few hours prior to his arrival so I stayed awake for about an hour to chat but ended up crashing again for the night. This chemo really makes my body so tired. But...I was doing great up until 4pm on Saturday so I think that's great.

So now it's Sunday morning. Feeling a little nauseous but trying not to take the anti-nausea pills. They make me sleepy and I want to see Andrew as much as I can. It's a fine line I walk between taking all these pills. I know that if I take the anti-nausea pill I'll sleep at least 2 hours. If I don't take it, how nauseous do I get before I take it? It's just a balancing act.

So, all-in-all I had a good birthday and I'm having a good weekend.

Here's my horoscope for the year (and Donny's since, he too, is a Sagittarius):

You definitely think big. You have a natural feeling for power. In large measure, this is because you are an optimist, and you're also well-liked. You know how to make others feel good. Your year ahead is exciting because it's the beginning of a new cycle for you. Open any door.

My take on this?

That door I open? Donny's bedroom door!! ROFL!! I am so kidding on this - but only just recently (since Andrew shaved his damn head!). The new cycle is that I'm now going to let Donny just be married to his darn wife Debbie (ya, ya, I'm happy for them...but as you've all noticed I had 3 boys and would have made just as good a wife for him!!) and I won't be bitter (well, maybe a little bitter) and I'll stay with Andrew forever and ever. Good thing he's so cute, eh? teehee.

Well, that's all for now. Everyone have a great Sunday. I hear ya'll had a big dumping of snow and ice up in Canada and New York so stay safe, people!! I love you all!

TTFN from sunny Florida where it's 70 degrees today - kinda cold for us! - yes I'm bragging!! ROFL!!

Thursday, December 13, 2007

Chemo Day Again - Ugh!

I hate Chemo Day. It's not the Chemo itself. The process is neither pleasant nor unpleasant. It is what it is. I go in, they check my blood to make sure my "counts" are ok and they hook me up through my port (which doesn't hurt) to the chemo. It's not horrible. It's ugh. Ugh as in "I wish I didn't have to do this." Ugh as in "Why me?" Ugh as in "Where's the exit?". That ugh.

My birthday's on Saturday. Christy called me last night and she and Jill are going to come over Saturday morning to spend a couple of hours visiting. They know Andrew's out of town so that's just sweet of them. Then Andrew gets back into town around 6:00 that night. That's the start of my "feel like crap" days so I've requested no cake. It would kill me to have cake in the house and not want to eat it...worse yet....I'd have no control, eat it and feel even worse. Another ugh. LOL!!

Oh! I don't think I mentioned Tuesday night on here. Oh! My heart soared on Tuesday night. My dad coaches a hockey team. He called and requested that Scott come with him so he could show the guys what he wants them to do and help out on the ice. I asked if Kevin could go and skate on the ice and he said sure. So...I went along. It was Kevin's first time on the ice since he broke his leg. He was pretty tentative at first but by the end he was skating around pretty well. It'll take some time but it was really exciting to see him back on the ice. He went down to the end where "it" happened and I thought it would kinda freak him out but he said it was fine. Freaked me out. Scotty helped coach! That kid is skating beautifully!! He's changed his whole stride and, man! He's faster than ever! My heart swelled with pride and I got all teary eyed being back in the rink. I love watching my kids more than anything in the whole world. I know you other mommas reading this know exactly what I mean!!

Well, that's all for today. I'll wander through the day, until chemo, with an ugh feeling in my stomach, knowing that I'll feel like crap for the next five days. Ugh.

Tuesday, December 11, 2007

A More Positive Post Than This Mornings

I just realized that I never showed my pictures from Deb's 40th Birthday Weekend in Bahamas. So here they are!

This is our last night. It had rained all day which meant we spent most of the day drinking by the bar with the other guests - mostly Canadian. By this time I was "ehing" with the rest of them! LOL!!
The chef with the white hat came out to say Happy Birthday to Deb. Then....he actually serenaded her!! He was an amazing singer so we got a group shot. It's my favourite shot of the whole trip cause I was having a "good hair nite" and I look pretty thin - there ya go - good picture = good hair and thin!! LOL!!

This was the first night. Two of the girls stayed back at the hotel that night. Too bad for them 'cause this was the best night of the whole trip. We danced and danced and danced. That's my best friend beside me - the tall one. Her names Debbie and I love her. Great hair that night, eh Deb? wow! We shoulda taken more pictures! LOL!!

I had a great day today. No stares. No "weird smiles" just a great day. Hope you had a great day, too!

Talky Tuesday

Wow!! My message area has taken on a life of it's own! If you're reading this blog you really should go to the message area and read the comments. Many are from my family - which makes everyone realize where I get my "crazy" from! LOL!!! I love it!!

I am feeling sooooo good! I have so much energy and I'm sleeping all night. Back to normal till Thursday when it's C-Day, again.

Scotty came home for the Christmas break yesterday. I love when my kids come home. By the time Christmas break is over, I'll love when my kids go back to school...but for now? Looking forward to Saturday because by then? All my boys, including Andrew (who's in Germany right now) and Jeff (who comes home Friday) will be home. They all make me so happy. I was going to say they make me feel normal but since they remind me on a minute by minute basis that I'm crazy, I guess I can't say that. Again, read the comment section - right from my sisters, Kim and Karen, to my boys and that, in itself, is explanation of my craziness. ROFL!!

OK, so I'm going to get bitchy here and here's my observations. Saturday. Andrew & I go to Walmart and the mall. We had some errands to do before he left. My God! People are so weird. I was wearing a very nice scarf (Coach knockoff). People stare. People smile this odd smile - I swear they're thinking "Gee, it's too bad you're dying." The staring is the worst. Kevin and I went to the movies Saturday afternoon and when I went into the bathroom people, literally, stopped taking and washing their hands to stare. This isn't my imagination, people! I swear. When we left? One woman actually openly stared at me with a dropped jaw. WTF!!! I felt like whipping off my scarf and revealing the bald head but I would have gotten cold (this bald head thing is cold!) so I didn't but I did say - loudly - "I guess I'm going to have to get used to rude people staring at me. It's just cancer, people! Just cancer! Not catchy." The only other time I've had this happen to me is when I was in a wheelchair with my asthma but, even then, it wasn't quite this rude.

My sister asked what I want people to do. I just want people to ignore me like they usually do. That's all. No staring or sad smiles. Just ignore me. If they really feel compelled to say something it could be "Cancer sucks". And this "I'm sorry" shit. You know what? When someone tells you they have cancer, don't say I'm Sorry. You know why? Because when you say "My grandmother/loved one died" what do people say to you? "Oh, I'm so sorry." So...when someone says "I have cancer" and you say "Oh, I'm so sorry" it feels, as the cancer person, like people think you're dying.

Yes, I think I am very sensitive. I may be over-sensitive. But...I'm also betting I'm not the only cancer person who feels this way. Anywoo, I'm done venting and I have to go do some work, now. So, off I go, in my hat, to go about my day. If you see someone else like me? Just say "cool hat" or something like that. Or...just treat them normal. And...don't feel bad if, when I told you I was diagnosed with cancer, you said "I'm sorry". It's ok. Let's just learn from it. I probably would have said that, before, when I wasn't the cancer person. I'm betting it bothers other cancer people. I'm betting I'm not the only one.

Wow, that was really negative. Sorry! I'm actually not feeling negative, today. Just not looking forward to walking out the door to this reaction on a daily basis.

Anyway, Have a great day, all!

Sunday, December 9, 2007

It's Donny's Birthday!!

Oh yes it is.....It's my Donny's Birthday!!

He's 50 today. Can you believe that? 50!

That means he's exactly 5 years and 6 days older than me.....I could still marry him, you know. That's a good age gap but, well, my sweet Andrew did shave his head for me so? I guess I'll stick with him. Poor Andrew. He didn't know that by shaving his head he was sealing his fate! ROFL!!!

Well, with that it's time to announce my birthday present. From Andrew. What would be the very best present I could ask for? You guessed it!
Tickets to the Donny and Marie concert in Vegas!!!
OMG!!! I AM SO EXCITED!!! It's in July and we're going to fly business class (all that traveling for business has paid off with airmiles!) and we're staying a full 6 days....seriously!! What's better than that?!!! So....every time I get sick with this damned chemo all I have to think of is that, in July, I'll be with Donny!! OH!! The tickets? I get to go see the sound check and I'm hoping I can get an autograph. He's still dreamy, you know. I have a past with him too, you know. You see....I touched him once. Yes I did. Hey! Get your head out of the gutter, people! Not like that....on the shoulder while he was running away. Well, not away from me. He was running to the bus. Yes. That sounds better. Anyway, it was at a concert and I pushed through the security guy just as Donny was running through and I touched him on the shoulder and he turned around and said "hey, kid" and kept running. So, it's not like I'm a perfect stranger to him. Oh! and....I stalked him while he was in Toronto. Did I say stalked? No, I didn't mean that. Here's the story...
Just a quick note - On the top picture they're probably singing Yo Yo. Trust me. And...this photo on the left? I had this poster of Donny on my wall when I was a kid and kissed it good night every night. Does that make me sick? No!!

Anyway, on to the story...

He was playing in Joseph and the Amazing Technicolour Dreamcoat? And Andrew took me to see him. So, I'm sitting in the audience waiting for the show to begin and the lights go down and I hear an announcement..... "The role of Joseph will be played by....." and I have no idea who but it wasn't Donny! What? No Donny? Well, tears just started rolling down my face. No Donny. So we watch the first half and then there's intermission. And, again, the lights go down and another announcement...."The role of Joseph in the second half will be played by Donny Osmond". Yah!! least I got to see the second part - which did not include the scene where he wears hardly any clothes, but, whatever.... Anyway...the show ends and I make Andrew come with me to the stage door. And Andrew says "there's no way he's coming out this door" and I say "of course he is" but, in the end Andrew wanders the building and he's right. Donny goes out a different door and Andrew comes back and tells me but by the time I get over there, he's gone. Ugh...

So, we decide to take the boys to see the show. Donny's in the whole thing so I get to see him half naked. Heaven for me. I don't make them go to the stage door even though I want to but I'm torn 'cause I don't want my poor kids to see their mother freak out. So I don't make them go.

Then, months later Karen (my sister) and I are at my mom and dad's and I mention all this to her and she says "well, let's go now". I'm like "what? really". She says "Yeah, let's go". So we hop in the car and head to Toronto to see Donny. And we stake out where Andrew found him last time - his car with Utah plates is sitting there at the side of the building. And sure enough we wait for an hour or so (OMG, Karen was so patient!) and out he comes and I get a few pictures and off he goes in his car. And I so badly want to follow him down the Gardner but I don't want Karen to think I'm loony so, again, I don't even suggest it.

Well. This time? In Vegas? I'm going to stalk him!! I'm going to hang out at the MGM as often as I can in hopes of seeing him. That's right....I'm going to try to find him and I don't care who knows!!
So...that's my post today. It's all about Donny. Happy Birthday, Donny! my sweetie, honey, dreamboat.....sigh!
She's a little bit country
He's a little bit rock and roll
She's a little bit of Memphis Nashville
With a little bit of Motown in his soul
Don't know if it's good or bad
But I know I love it so
She's a little bit country
And he's a little bit rock and roll.
G'night everybody!!

Thursday, December 6, 2007

Bald is Beautiful!!

Here's another picture of us. I still have some hair on the top of my head but it's spikey and hard so I can hardly wait for it to go away. I don't know if you can tell, but Andrew's head is much bigger than mine. Much. Isn't he cute! Man! I love that man!!

I found a hat that's made from the same material as the socks so I ordered two. Light pink and light blue. This bald thing is cold! Really. Not something I had thought of but I spoke with (follow me, here) one of my best friend's mom, who had breast cancer three years ago and went through similar treatment (chemo drugs were all the same) and is, thus far (knock on wood) cancer free, Jean Young. She mentioned that her head was cold all the time, too. Then, I mentioned it to Kevin yesterday and he said he notices his head is cold when he first shaves it. I dunno, I just never thought of it. Anyway, my point is that I seem to have to have a head covering on all the time so I'm very excited to have found these very soft hats. Phew! That took awhile to get to my point, eh?
Talking with Jean was the highlight of my day, yesterday. It's so nice to talk to someone else in "the club". A club, I might add, that no one wants to join. She understood all my feelings. I told her things I hadn't shared with anyone else and it was so nice to get it off my chest. I think she'll be getting more calls from me. It's just so nice to talk to someone else who had a port, went through chemo, lost her hair, wore a wig. Not normal, everyday activities, you know? Anyway, I hope Jean's reading this....THANK YOU, JEAN!! and...thank you Christy for insisting I talk to her. You're a truly amazing friend and I thank God daily for bringing you into my life. My little ray of sunshine - seriously, anyone who knows her would agree - she's abnormally sweet and full of life...seriously abnormal!! ROFL!!!
I'm very chipper this morning. Definitely appreciating a day when I wake up feeling great and can keep down a wonderful cup o' Joe with French Vanilla cream in it. Woohoo!!
OMG! Andrew and Kevin went to the grocery store last night. They asked if there was anything I'd like. I wanted to treat myself after the "days from hell" so I asked for Vanilla cake. This doesn't thrill them. They don't really like vanilla cake. Me? My fav!! Them? Not so much. So...they come home with this teeny tiny vanilla cake. Just for me!! It's about five inches round with sprinkles on it. So sweet, my men!!
That's all for now.
Have a great day everyone, I know I will!!

Wednesday, December 5, 2007

Coming Out Of The Dark....Literally

Well, it's 4:30 in the morning so I guess I'm back to the "waking up in the middle of the night" pattern. I gotta say, it's better than the "sleeping for three days in a row" pattern so I'll take it. I'm trying to think of a Jeopardy question here. Would "Alex, I'll take better sleeping patterns for 1000" work? Nah....Guess I'm not that sharp at 4 am. LOL!!

I feel like I'm coming out of a three day fog. I've decided that the anti-nausea pills make me tired so all the sleep makes sense. Just think....I take one of those every 6 hours and two hours after taking one I get sleepy. That's a lot of sleep. I was complaining about losing 4 days every two weeks to my mom. I mean, that's a lot of time. But...then Kim (my sister) posted the message about remembering why I'm doing this and I really have to keep that in focus. I have to focus on the percentages and the better chances that the cancer will never come back that chemo gives me. Focus. Focus. Focus.

I discovered some really great socks. Yes, you heard it...socks. Listen. I love socks. Socks and PJ's. Two of my favourite things. Yesterday, I was wearing my "It's Not Easy Being a Princess" Pj's and these new socks and it was so comfy. Ok, about these socks. They feel like soft air wrapped around my tootsies. So, last night, I've got them on my feet and I'm thinking about how my bristly head is so uncomfortable. Yep, you saw this I took the socks off my feet and put them under my very uncomfortable head. Ewww? you say? Whatever!! I only wore them inside and it's not like I'm wearing shoes or anything! I'm lying in bed all day. Anyway, seriously, whatever! These socks are so comfortable under my head! I'm going to look for a hat in this material but I don't know what it is. It's light and airy and soft and fuzzy and feels like a cloud. Anyone?

So, that's probably it for excitement around here. Sad, eh? LOL!! Oh! I got a new chair. It was a post-Thanksgiving Day sale called Black Friday. I hate the name of that day. They could come up with something better than that here in the States. And they laugh at Canadians for Boxing Day? Some nerve!! Anyway, the sales are amazing and I got a leather - all leather not just leather front - chair for.....drum roll.......$290. I think. To tell the truth I wasn't that focused on the price - no surprise for those who shop with me - but it was a good deal whatever the price...kinda makes my drum roll a little lame, eh? Anyway it's really comfy and I love it! It's a recliner with a built in back and butt massager. I'm not that interested in the massage but I love the comfort of the recline. As Borat would say, Very Nice.

Ugh!! My head's so itchy!! Now, I can say, I can hardly wait for the stupid stubble to fall out!! Stupid Stubble, stupid stubble. Say that 10 times fast.

We're gearing up for a big weekend here. My bedroom may get painted this weekend. "May", I say. First off, Andrew's going to Germany for the week. He leaves on Saturday the 8th and gets back on the 15th, midday. My birthday. My 45th....I digress...more on that later, I'm sure!! Anyway, he and my parents were going to paint my bedroom to make it into more of a sanctuary than a white room. I'm not a fan of white. So...Andrew bought the paint. A pretty blue. At least I think it's pretty. Now, I'm not known for being a good "colour picker". I generally have to give it at least two or three trys. So, we're supposed to try getting a sampler up before Andrew leaves. It doesn't seem to be happening. He's very busy at work and gets home after 7 pm and I don't have the heart to ask him to paint at that point. More to the point...I've been going to bed at 8:00 so there's no time, anyway. He'd be painting in the dark!! OMG!! Now, just the thought of that is funny!! So...since he reads this blog, I'm thinking it'll get done tonight. You reading this, baby? Tonight? (now, in my head I'm singing the song from West Side Story - you know the one - Tonight, tonight, won't be just any night, tonight's the night my baby paints my room - OK, those might not be the exact words, but you get the picture, eh?) OMG! I am going on about this. Anyway. We'll see if it gets done. My parents are going to do it alone now, since Andrew will be away, and they have to start with the stupid popcorn ceiling. I'll be surprised if they get further than that but we'll see. Not that I'm doubting their talents (don't worry - they don't have a computer this week so they're not reading this) but they're both perfectionists so I'm thinking it'll be slow-going. They may surprise me but I'm doubting it. Oh well, a freshly painted ceiling will be nice, too! ROFL!!!

Oh! It's so nice to have enough energy to giggle to myself while I write this. I really truly feel like I'm coming out of the dark. Those last three days are really dark - not just 'cause my eyes were closed! Silly! No, during those days I hate cancer, chemo and everyone associated with it - the doctor, the nurses, the building. That hate runs deep to hate a building. Now I feel like I'm coming back to normal. Still not feeling the love for the nurse who couldn't get my blood last time I went in - she's not touching me ever again - but I'm getting back to normal.

That's all for now. Going to play Pogo! For those of you who've been calling me, I haven't been ignoring you I just haven't had the energy to call. I'll try to call Wednesday, sometime.

G'Nite Everybody!!

Monday, December 3, 2007

Happy Monday!

As you can see, still no picture of my bald head. We have the technology - we think. It'll come, it'll come. I must say, though, my head isn't actually bald, yet. It's still a very short buzz cut with some bald spots. It's a little uncomfortable in that it's kinda spiky. I can't say "I can hardly wait till I'm completely bald". But...I would like to be more comfortable.

Had a quiet weekend. Friday I went to an insurance appointment in the morning and my Neulesta shot in the afternoon. Wore one of the wigs - I must say, not that comfortable. I actually don't mean this physically. Physically it was fine but I kinda felt like a fraud. Hard to explain but I don't think I'll be a wig girl, much. I've ordered some hats that, I think, will make me more comfortable.

Got an exciting report card from Kevin. Straight A's!! Woohoo!! Way to make a momma happy, Kev!!!

Saturday and Sunday were quiet. The chemo knocks the crap right out of me. I don't return phone calls and I don't do much on the computer. Just too tired. Saturday Andrew & I went to Walmart. I had to get all new makeup. They taught us that at the class I had gone to. Apparently, because the immune system is so very low? Even makeup can be hazardous so I had to learn how to "not double dip" the brushes and sponges and had to get new, non-contaminated makeup. Weird, eh? Then, Andrew got the Christmas lights up outside. Very pretty. Makes me so happy inside. Mom came over and made some of her wonderful beef stew. Perfect for the days when I can't eat much and Andrew and Kevin can just heat it up on the stove and eat when they want. We'll have that tonight for dinner.

Sunday brought some big nausea with it. Yuck. Sunday also brought some sunshine. Jeff and his girlfriend, Chanel, came by for a visit and dinner. Chanel had gotten some frightening news about her grandma so Andrew and I figured she could use a home and some hugs. It worked equally as well for us, too, so I think it was beneficial all around. I ended up sleeping a couple of hours while they were here but they both love Christmas movies and they just quietly watched some tv while I rested. We had a good laugh at dinner. Kevin mentioned how he felt that my head is really small. Then, everyone's looking at my head saying how small my head is. It was really funny. We're all looking in the dining room china cabinet reflection laughing about my head. You'll see when I post a picture. I have a cute, small head. Very funny!

So now it's Monday morning. I'm still exhausted and a little nauseous. I can handle the tired but the nausea? again. yuck is all I have to say about that.

Boring little post, today. I'll get a picture up soon. I just want it to look decent so I have to get up the energy to put on some makeup and with these new techniques to keep the makeup non-contaminated, and not double dipping it's a little frustrating. I'll probably get it done tomorrow.