Can't Take the Smile Off My Face!!

I just can't take the smile off my face! I'm so happy.

You know, here's what I do. I suppress my feelings. I was really really scared to even think about having cancer again. It terrified me. If I did have cancer, it really wouldn't be good. It would have meant that the cancer lived through chemo and radiation. Which would mean it's one bad-ass cancer. So...I was terrified. I, literally, envisioned my kids graduating college without me there. Getting married without me there. Worse yet? I envisioned Andrew at their wedding with some pretty skinny bitch instead of me. Yep, I said it. I'm just being honest. I also envisioned this skinny bitch with my grandchildren. Oh! Don't get me wrong here...I would want Andrew to find someone after me. And...it would be ok if she's a skinny bitch. I would just prefer not to die, OK? LOL!!

Anyway, it always surprises me, after something is over, how stressed/tired I was when I was going through it. Like, after radiation. I was exhausted. Mentally and physically. But, I don't think I really realized how exhausted I was until I started feeling better. And. Just last week. I was so scared but I ignored it. I try to be a optimist. I look at things realistically but like to "look at the bright side", too. Now that it's over, though, I can admit how scared I was.

Here's an example. About the cancer.

"Oh shit! I'll have to have another operation. And maybe chemo. But...I'll get cards in the mail again, Kim might come and visit again, I would get to quit my job, I can buy cool hats again, maybe get to see Donny Osmond again, and can be really lazy and have an excuse."

Does that make sense? Anyway, I just thought I'd let you all know how I was/am feeling. People always wonder what they'd do in a similar situation so I thought I'd share what it's like.

Oh, the dog. I should talk about the dog. OMG!! I love that dog! He's so cute. Anyway, his official name is McDuff. We call him Duffy. Unless he's being an idiot (like, we're on a walk, and he digs his little paws in and won't move until he's sniffed and peed on whatever it is he has to sniff and pee on - then I call him McDuff). He's a Scottish Terrier. I grew up with Scotties and they are such a wonderful dog that I wanted one for my kids. Anyway, he had his first Chemo last Friday and his second one is today. Surprisingly enough? He's fine with it. I think he slept more than usual but that's about it. I wish chemo had been that easy for me!! Lucky little doggie.

Andrew's out of town. Again. Europe. We got a security system so I wouldn't be freaking out and could get some sleep. I live in a fortress, now. But....I still put "stuff" in front of my bedroom door and lock it, but I did sleep soundly last night (with the help of some antihistamine's LOL!!). Oh the antihistamines. I seem to have some sort of allergic reaction to the Herceptin. It makes me so itchy. Mostly on the hands and feet but also on my arms and shins. It drives me crazy! I itch until I bleed. That's not good, eh? So I've been taking antihistamine's to take away the itch. I've tried all sorts of things on the itchy areas. I've tried benadryl gel, aloe. I even tried Preparation H. Well? If it takes away the itchiness of hemorrhoids it should work on my feet, right? It doesn't. Anyway, the good thing (see? there I go again - looking for that silver lining!) is that the antihistamine's put me to sleep. Yeah!! Even the hot flashes don't wake me up. Bonus!!

OK, I feel like I'm rambling now so I'll say goodbye.

Goodbye.