Outporing of Love

Wow! I'm overwhelmed at the outporing of love being sent my way. A friend of mine sent a card. Beautiful card. Saying I'm going to kick some cancer ass. I love that!! And...I am. Then, I get a card from her mother, a breast cancer survivor herself. Made me cry to know I have supporters like this. E-mails are coming in with love sent across the miles. The girls from a weight loss forum sending love and fun. People I have never met in person. The love is as palpable as this tumor. I can just feel it. For this, I say thank you.

Then, there's one. A person I have known since I moved to Florida. She told me that people who don't "take the lord into their heart, completely" get "vomitted on". WTF!! What does that even mean? I guess that's me. But, I'm a good person. Kind. Loving. Caring. Give the shirt off my back kind of person. I don't understand how someone who is supposed to be a Christian can say something so judgemental. Odd. Gotta let that go! That's just wrong.

I hate that I'm the one bringing bad news and tears and fears to people and their children. I can't worry about that right now, but it does suck.

I am obsessed with trying to find information. Pictures. I hate the cancer but it fills my mind every single second. It doesn't help that it's Breast Cancer Awareness month. It's everywhere. We went to The Lightning game last night. Up on the jumbotron a section of women who were breast cancer survivors. Kevin and I look at each other and say: I'm/You're not a survivor yet!! It was so funny! But see how it follows me/us? Even on a Saturday nite at a hockey game, we think about it. I hate that. We won and my Brad Richards scored two goals. My favourite player. I love that!! The Leafs beat the Canadians. Did you see that Steve, Sam, Dad, Jeff? teehee!! I had to mention it! My two favourite teams both win on a Saturday nite and we bought scalper tickets 10 rows up from the ice for $20 each (actually Scott treated because he'd won big at poker earlier in the day!). Seriously!! What's better than that??

So today, I will just give in. I need info and I just have to accept that. I'm going to read my cancer book and I'm going to go get a book on a cancer diet. I'm going to look at pictures of women who have had cancer surgery and prepare myself, mentally. It's what I have to do and I hate it. I'm going to rent the movie "Why I wore lipstick to my mastectomy" and rewatch "Crazy Sexy Cancer". I won't actually get all that done, but I'll think about it. I will also go to the gym. Walk. Fast. Maybe I can outwalk the cancer. Hey! maybe if I run......hahahahaha. OMG!! I'm so funny!! Run? Me? Not a frigging hope in hell!! Right, dad?

Tomorrow? I have to get ready to go to the Bahamas for Debbie's 40th birthday! I have to try on all my bathing suits and go to the tanning booth and make sure I have sunscreen and aloe and practice singing "Happy Birthday". Loudly. So everyone at the pool will know it's Debbie's birthday. I have to decide what I'll drink. All-inclusive. Try not to gain weight but drink. Guess I'll just have to pass on the food. ROFL!!! I kill myself!! - with laughter, people!! Not suicidal, here. I have much to do in this life and one is to buy many, many pink dresses for my granddaughters some day in the distant, distant future.

And in the back of my mind....I'll let the cancer sit...way back there. Until I come back and face it. Head-on. And fight that bastard and swear at it and send it to hell and vomit on it. Wow! How dramatic! Drama Queen? Maybe........Princess? Definitely!!! LMAO!!!