Mixed Feelings Today

I'm feeling very mixed today.

I woke up with this weird feeling in my legs. Similar to sciatica but not as painful. I'd have to call it restless leg syndrome. You know. The one you see on the tv and didn't believe people really get? I think I have it. As long as I sit upright (I'm not feeling well/strong enough for that) it's ok but as soon as I sit back or lie down I feel like I have to keep moving my feet/legs except that I'm not feeling strong enough to do it. It probably has something to do with the needle they give me to keep my white blood cell count up. I know that can give me pain in the bones so maybe this has something to do with that. I dunno.

I also feel like I have a "burned tongue". You know when you drink hot chocolate when it's too hot and you get the tip of your tongue burned? I'm pretty sure chemo has done that to me. Now that's a weird feeling. To think that these chemicals they pump into me burn my tongue. Weird.

I'm also feeling very "why me-ish" today. I'm wallowing. I hate this chemo shit. I really hate it. I mean, talk about taking everything feminine about me and bashing it? First my boob - indented. I know, I know. Y'all get uncomfortable hearing about it. Well, imagine living with it? Every time I take a shower there it is. Then...I lose my hair. Well, that just fucking sucks, ok? I hate that. And...now I have this stupid port. It has become less uncomfortable but I must say, I always know it's there - by feel and...it's sticking out of my chest!! There it is. A bump in my chest. This really bugs me because #1? not attractive. #2? It's really messing with my fashion statements. I like to wear v-necks. Occasionally? A little cleavage is nice. Now? Not a fricking chance in hell of that. Ugh!

So...today finds me wallowing...but...I'm also excited.

We have a huge weekend coming up and I'm so excited!! First....drum roll please.....The Leafs and The Lightning are playing in Tampa on Thursday night! My two favourite teams!! You know, this is a win-win situation for me. Every single goal that's scored is scored by my favourite team! I've decided to wear the Lightening Jersey and bring the Leafs Jersey and when the Lightening scores? I cheer!! When the Leafs score? I cheer and wave my Leafs Jersey around. Seriously....what's better than that?

Then...Friday night, we're going to see Jim Brickman. Most of you probably haven't heard of him. He's a pianist/song writer. He plays so beautifully and my friend Jimmy knows someone who's getting us tickets. It will be very romantic. I was just saying last night as we were decorating the Christmas tree how I miss going to Christmas concerts and then realized that Jim Brickman is a Christmas concert so I'll get to go to one and snuggle up with my honey. Sing it with me here, people....Heaven, I'm in Heaven, And my heart beats so that I can hardly......ahhhh

Then....Saturday morning we're heading to the east coast. Just Andrew & I. We're going to visit some old friends from Canada (Barrie). Ok, here's the story. Way back in 1990 Andrew started with a company called Risdon. His boss was a guy named Trevor. He turned out to play a huge role in Andrew's career and lead Andrew to participate in various departments in the company, not just accounting. He gave Andrew great advice and was a mentor in many ways. We moved to Connecticut and then down here to Florida and have kept in touch with Trevor over the years. Well, Trevor - get this - lives on a sailboat, now. Seriously. The guy lives on a sailboat with his partner/wife?, I'm not sure if they're married but they must be wildly in love to live on a sailboat together, right? Anyway, they live on this sailboat and are currently off the east coast of Florida. So, Andrew and I are going to go spend Saturday and Saturday night on their boat with them. This does present some concern for me as I have been known to get motion sick but I'm going to take my little wrist bands and hope for the best. If I'm nauseous, I'm sure there's a hotel that I can go to. But...this is big for us because #1? we get to see Trevor and Jean whom we have not seen for years and years (dying to see just how far back his forehead goes, now! ROFL!!) #2? Andrew has mentioned from time to time that this might be something we could do in the future. So...now I can ask a lot of questions and see if it's something to consider.

Then....Christmas and all the joy that comes with it. I'm going to be on my "good days" through Christmas which brings me such joy, in itself!!

Then...Fucking Chemo.

So...as you can see? I'm like a little roller coaster wandering my way down the tracks. One second I'm up the next I'm down. So mixed. So frustrated. So difficult to be this way when that's not, actually, how I live my life. I'm so used to being up most of the time. Don't get me wrong...I'm not a Pollyanna but, I do tend to be an optimist and this mixed emotion thing is difficult to handle.

I'm sure by the end of the day I'll be fine but for now I think I'll go shower and try to pull myself out of the funk.

TTFN peeps!