Back on Track - Sorta

Well, I'm back on track - sorta. I went to see the oncologist yesterday. Andrew came with me. This is how it went:

I have a total aversion to the doctor's office, now. Just walking in makes me want to wretch. There's this weird smell in the lobby. This is just stupid (I mean the smell not the aversion) because when people are on chemo they can get a very sensitive sense of smell. So to have any kind of smell in the lobby is just stupid. So....to not puke what I do is I take someone else with me. They go in and tell the receptionist I'm here and I wait outside. Doesn't matter what the weather, I wait outside - far away from the door because that smell wafts outside when the door opens. The person I'm there with waits for my name to be called and then they come get me. I take a deep breath and walk very quickly through the lobby into the office while holding my cute little nose. So far no one's gotten in the way but God help them if they do - I'll just bowl them over!!

Now, the plan, in my head was that Andrew would wait in the lobby until I had finished with my blood test - remember my first chemo appointment and the ambulance and Andrew? I was having none of that, again. But...Andrew decided to come in right away. And...he did fine. No ambulance needed. Good thing 'cause I really needed him this time. I can't tell you how easily I cry right now. I'm just so...needy right now. This is a really weird thing, for me, because as anyone who knows me knows I'm Miss Independence. I can do anything I want and if no one comes with me? I'll go by myself. I've gone to many hockey tournaments and been the only woman there (with three kids and only two parents? It has to go that way sometimes). I've explored Paris by myself and Stockholm by myself and I am very, very independent. And pride myself on it, too. This doctor appointment? and my last chemo, actually...I swear...if someone wasn't with me? I would have left. In fact that last chemo? If my mother hadn't walked into my bedroom and made me go? I would have skipped it.

Anyway, back to the appointment. The nurse, Andrew, came in to take some blood. They do it out of the end of your finger - doesn't hurt at all. He was having a really hard time getting any (note to self - drink lots of water on "doctor days"). My Andrew did fine - read a magazine and didn't look. The blood tests came out bad so the doctor made nurse Andrew redo them. All was ok. So, as Andrew was doing the first blood test I told him I was considering being a "Chemo Dropout". He laughed. I said "No, I'm serious. I can't do this anymore." He looked really surprised. Then the doctor came in. She made a big to-do (to-do is not a word according to spellcheck but I'm leaving it in hoping you know what I mean) about husband Andrew being there. It was pretty funny. She asked how I was doing and I told her I was considering becoming a Chemo Dropout. She, too, laughed. I said I was serious and why was everyone laughing when I said this. She looked surprised and said I'd done extremely well up until now - the model patient. Always smiling and happy. I thought to myself "Holy Shit! I shoulda been an actress!!" Seriously! I really should have!

At this point? I lost it. I started crying and blabbering on about how I hate chemo and it makes me so sick and tired and the burping of chemicals is just gross and all food tastes disgusting and I'm going into early menopause which sucks and I'm starting to get these stupid hot flashes which makes getting a good night's sleep impossible because I'm either too hot or too cold and I'm really really sick of all this and I don't want to continue with the chemo. Literally? Think of me saying that and crying and blowing my nose and having that ugly "cry face" and that's what I looked like and sounded like. She really was shocked that this was how I felt but she was so sweet. She said it was to be expected and everyone feels the same way. But....I'm done the really bad chemo part and the next part shouldn't be as bad (I'm finished the first drug and now move on to something called Taxol for the next four treatments). She told me to take it one day at a time. Try the Taxol. Just try it. See how it goes. So...I'm going to try it and see how it goes. New side effects with this one. Not as much nausea but I will get "finger tingling" and muscle pains.

Then I asked about the Herceptin. This is the new drug on the scene. It specifically targets my "type" of cancer (HER2 positive) which is a really aggressive type of cancer. She said of all the things I'm doing the Herceptin is the most important one - so I'm on board for that. I have to do it every 3 weeks for a full year. The worst part of that is that I know I have to go to that office for a whole year and, if this aversion to that office stays with me? That'll suck.

Then I asked about the Radiation. I don't really get why I have to do radiation. If I'm doing chemo and the chemo is getting any renegade cancer cells and then the Herceptin targets the HER2 cells, why do I have to do radiation? Anyway, she told me that my choice was either mastectomy (take the whole boob off) or lumpectomy along with radiation. I had the lumpectomy so I have to have radiation. period. I kinda remember that but I also know that was when I was in the no-chemo zone. When I thought I didn't have to have chemo.

Then I asked about these stupid hot flashes. Is there anything I can take to make them go away? She said I can't take anything with hormones - ever again. So the only option for the hot flashes is to take an anti-depressant. Well, that's just dumb. So, for now, I'm going to roll with the hot flashes. Taking an anti-depressant for hot flashes just seems silly. We would all agree I am not depressed. Mad? yup. Sad that this is happening to me? yup. Depressed? Not. Now, don't get me wrong. If I were depressed I would take them. But, to tell ya the truth? I am one of the most optimistic people I've ever known so if I need anti-depressants we're all in need of them. ROFL!!!

So, in the end. From the beginning of this whole thing. I went from having cancer and needing 6 weeks of radiation. That's it, that's all. to..... 8 rounds of fucking chemo, then 6 weeks of radiation (this is an every day thing, people. ugh!!) and having Herceptin for a full year. I guess it's just hitting me how long this is all going to go on. I mean, I'll still be doing this next year at Christmas time. For Pete's sake! again. ugh!

Long post, eh? I'm going on from here, too, so you might just want to go get a coffee - oh, for you Canadians you might want to go get a beer ROFL!!! I'm so funny!

I saw on John Edwards (the medium not the politician) yesterday a woman who had lost her son. He asked her how she had gotten through it so well and she said "Always Blessings, Never Loses". This really hit me. Made me cry, actually. I've decided that is my new motto. Don't get me wrong. I don't think getting cancer is a blessing. I know people say, "it will make you appreciate you're life, more". Oh bullshit. I already appreciated my life. I already went through life threatening asthma. I didn't need another illness to make me appreciate life. But...there must be something. So I have adopted that as my new motto. That and "Party first, throw up later". ROFL!! I'm just kidding, people!! Just kidding! I will never drink another shot as long as I live.

So now I'm going to list the things that will get me through all this shit. This is for me. I know this post is way too long but I really have to do this for me. So I can look at it on a down day and get some inspiration. Here goes:

1) my husband. My sweet, sweet Andrew who has supported me unfailingly through this and still lusts after my scarred body.

2) My children. Enough said. Any mother understands that.

3) Donny (and Marie) in July. I am finally seeing my Donny. Now listen. This is really exciting. I've done the math. He will be alone onstage for one third of the concert. Marie will have her time alone. Donny will have his time alone and then they'll do some "together" songs, too. I'm going to try to e-mail him and request he do Love of My Life.

4) Vegas in March. When I'm all done with chemo. I'm focusing on this one harder than you can imagine. Andrew's going on business and I'm going with him. We're staying at a beautiful hotel and it's the best of both worlds. I get to spend the evenings with him (and Paul - his business associate who has a huge heart and a good sense of humour - two things I love about anyone) but I get the days all to myself. I don't have to share my time with anyone. I can lay by the pool if I want (and if I can find a bathing suit that covers up my ugly gross port), shop, read, people watch, play the nickle slots. Anything I want.

The distant future and maybes

- living in Europe. Oh!! I want to do this!
- travel - anywhere! I love to see new things and experience new people.
- learning French
- retiring with Andrew
- grandchildren
- summering in Canada
- snorkeling in the Caribbean. Maybe even living in the Caribbean.
- starting up my scholarship (it will be called The United Caucasian Boys College Fund. Basically an average white boys only college fund. When I was looking for scholarships for my boys, as average white boys there are very few scholarships available to them. If they were girls? lots. Black boys? tons. Black girls? OMG!! even more! Any kind of minority? many. If they were freakishly smart? lots. But as average white boys who did very well in school but not valedictorian well and did well in hockey but not NHL-well, there were very few available - I'm talking 5 in our county as opposed to 33 if they were black. So, my goal is to start up the UCBCF fund.)
- volunteering with the Turtles (not ninja) and Manatee groups in our area. I want to be one of those people who go out and mark the turtle nests and make sure the babies get out to the water. I'm not sure what I would do for the manatees but I do love them and want to help in whatever way is possible.
- volunteer for this group who I can't remember the name of right now (Chemo brain) but they help girls who are pregnant and don't know what to do and help them tell their parents and, if they have the baby and want to dump it I would meet them and take the baby - no questions asked - and take the baby to the hospital.

That's it. Those are my life goals and those are the reasons I must live and get through this. Pretty good, eh? I can do it! I can do it! I can do it!!

Have a great day everyone. I will, too!
TTFN!