Some Days Are For Crying

These past two days (Saturday and Sunday) were spent crying. Non-stop crying. I actually thought I might be having a mental break down I cried so much.

I had chemo on Thursday and immediately felt yucky. Woke up Friday feeling yucky. This really threw me because for the past 3 treatments I've been ok on Friday. By the time I woke up on Saturday morning I felt like shit. The more I got into the day the shittier I felt. And...the sadder. Andrew had a lunch meeting he had to go to so I was left at home with the boys for about 4 hours. Now, my boys, as spectacular as they are, are boys. And so they should be. I don't like to moan and groan to them. That, to me, would not be fair. So I slept lots and felt shitty and got sadder with every passing moment.

Well, by Sunday morning? I was a wreck. I felt like crap. Here's the scenario. Nausea happens. They have pills for that, right? I've explained that before. What I didn't mention is that the pills:
#1 make you tired. Very tired. Take a nap for 3 hours tired.

#2 make you constipated. Very constipated. Cry constipated.

So...I try really hard not to take the nausea pills if I can help it. Well, if I don't take the nausea pills I feel like crap. If I do? I can't crap. Got it? Lovely, eh?

So, Sunday I'm feeling like crap and it all hits me. I'm only half way through chemo and I still have a year of herceptin left and 6 weeks of radiation (every fucking day for six fucking weeks) and I don't want to do this. I'm serious. I don't want to do this. I started getting a little hysterical. My men don't know what to do.

Here's what happens when a woman cries. First the men around her look at her. Just look at her. With this look on their face that says "Why is she crying and did I cause it?". Then, when they realize they didn't cause it? They want to make it go away. Just make it freaking go away!! So...they start with questions and answers. They try to "solve" the problem. This just makes it worse 'cause sometimes? You just have to cry. My poor men! They were so wonderful. I'm sitting there crying saying "That's it, I'm done. I can't do this anymore! Why are they poisoning me with chemo when I feel like I should be eating well and exercising and doing yoga and eating flax seed and broccoli and spinach?" And they're standing/sitting there looking at me not knowing what to do. I mean, really, what can they do?

Anyway, this went on all day yesterday. The crying.

This morning? my opinion actually has not changed. I really feel done with this. Now, don't get all panicky, people. What I mean is? I want to ask more questions. In my mind, right now, the chemo doesn't make any sense. I feel so unhealthy. When I feel nauseous eating well/nutritiously is the last thing on my mind. All I want is something soothing - usually in the form of some simple carb like white bread or a baby cookie. Well, that's not healthy is it? And exercise? I'm lucky to make it from the bedroom to the bathroom without feeling tired and crappy let alone getting out and walking. I dunno, this just doesn't seem like the best path to be on. It just doesn't. And then? A year of herceptin? Why? That will be my question? And then? 6 weeks of radiation? Again..why? I want the stats again on just how much this will do for me. I mean, after all this chemo why do I need radiation, too? It's not like they found the cancer in the lymph nodes, for Pete's sake.

Anyway, can you tell I'm in a bad mood and am not a happy camper?

So....I'm not asking any of you for advice and, frankly, would prefer not to have it. I know I sound bitchy but I just can't deal with other people's opinion's right now. I have an appointment on Thursday with the oncologist. She wants to go over the next protocol of chemo (a drug called taxol) and what it does and the side effects and she wants to talk about the herceptin. So...I'm not saying I'm done with chemo but I am saying I'm really fed up and have questions. Andrew will support me with whatever decision I make and will help me make it.

I hope everyone has a nice New Year's Eve. We're staying home. Cooking some steak and mushrooms and popping some nice Asti Spumanti and thanking our lucky stars we have a wonderful family and great friends. Happy New Year's Everyone!