It's the middle of the night - for me.

Well, if you look at the time I'm writing this it's after midnight on Sunday night. I'm awake. Most of you who really know me would be shocked at this because I'm a 10 to 10 girl. That's right. There's no shame in it - I like to sleep from 10 pm to 10 am and then do it again the next night and every night thereafter. Unfortunately, tonight? I had a nightmare. And...the only way I'm going to get rid of it is to get it out and hopefully, when I go back to bed I'll dream I'm in Whiteland - you'll see, I'll get to it.

So the nightmare. Starts with a bunch of girls (Debbie, my Canadian best friend, is there and Miranda from Grey's Anatomy is there, too). We're getting ready for a girl's night out. We all leave the house at the same time but I end up in a different cab from everyone else. It gets lost and ends up in Cancerland. It's really dark here. The air has a horrible acidic taste and smell and is a wierd colour - all greenish and blackish tinges in it. I go into this mall to get directions and I get swept into the mall by the hordes of other people. They're all ugly and they wear black toques. They have tired eyes that are sunken and hollow looking with black rings around their eyes. They're sweeping me into Cancerland faster and faster, swirling around. I can't get out - I'm in a Cancerland tornado.

Then I get to the center and it's really scary and I have to choose a door. If I don't I die. They'll kill me. I can see the glimmer of their knives and guns. So I pick a door and go through. First I have to play a video game but I'm losing and I can feel their breathe on my neck. So I run from the game and I open another door and it's a grocery store. I know that I have to start feeding this woman - she's homeless and hungry and as long as I'm feeding her I'm safe. So I have a plastic bag full of mashed yams and I start feeding her. I can actually feel her teeth on my fingers as I push the food into her mouth. How gross is that? But I'm running out of food and if I don't keep feeding her I know they'll kill me.

Ends up, the rules of the game are to stay afloat for long enough to get out of the mall. The longer you can stay out of the mall the further you get from it. Unfortunately, I'm pretty sure I have to stay in the mall for a year and then, for the next five years, as long as my test results come back good I get to move from the center of Cancerland to the suburbs and then to the country and, eventually? I get to move to this place called Whiteland.

Oh! It's a wonderful place! I lived there until late September when I was forced to move to Cancerland. Whiteland is so pretty. It's all white lace and vanilla cake and vanilla icing and french vanilla coffee and vanilla bean ice cream and mountains of cool whip. The people there are pretty and nice. They wear white hats or are just beautiful and everyone wears white, all the time and they never get sick of it and they don't have to stop wearing white at Labour Day and start again in May. It's an all-year fashion and it never gets old. The air is crisp and clean and it snows every day but it's not cold or hot. It's so perfect. That's where I used to live.

So...my goal is to get back there. Being in the center of the mall in Cancerland is very scary, no matter how much support and cheering I have, I'm still alone in Cancerland while my friends are out dancing in Whiteland. Now, I'm going to cry for awhile and go back to my nice warm bed with my amazing husband and hope I can dream something else, for tonight. Ironically, when I awoke from my nightmare, Andrew was still working at his computer and it was 11:30 so I was, in my cancermind, sure he had had a heart attack and was dead at the computer and I just lay in bed, wondering if I should be hysterical to find him this way? calm so as not to disturb Kevin too much? call 911 or just cuddle my dead husband. Of course, when I came out to see him, he was just working away on the computer. I made him come to bed and then cried my eyes out explaining Cancerland and Whiteland to him. This poor man.

PS - I had a pretty good day today. Wasn't too nauseous, went for a car ride at around 2pm and then went for a walk, had a decent dinner but then started feeling crappy around 8pm and went to bed and watched Grey's Anatomy (that's where Miranda comes in, I guess) and then went to sleep. Not bad. Now, if I can just rid myself of this damned Cancerland nightmare and dream of Whiteland.....wish me luck.

G'Night Everybody!